I just lost it over the wrong coffee

[losingitoverdecaf]

I'm struggling at the moment. Going through waves of feeling like I want to exit my relationship of 2 years followed by remorse and good periods where everything feels right, he's awesome again and I regret ever having doubts. Looking at the 'ok enough' marriage thread is really making me think. I'm feeling so cranky but is it me? Or is it him!

DP is a lovely man but is doing things this week that are driving me to distraction. I'm worried about how bloody angry I feel around him this week and I just lost it over... coffee. This isn't normal is it?

DP accidentally bought decaf coffee and full cream milk. In two years I have never consumed either of those things. This is a bit of a habit, too. He often buys things for my home (where he stays most of the time) that I have no use for, like coffee pods that don't fit my machine, weird veg etc. It sounds funny to some, but two years in this stuff feels really annoying.

Last week he asked me to take time off over Xmas and I'd already said very clearly, maybe a five or six times, that I don't know what the arrangements are for my work over Xmas (I'm in a v. new job) and that I want to make a good impression/see what the deal is incase I need to cover.

Anyway, he raised the issue again about me booking time off and I lost it. Explained that I had told him a thousand times. It seems like I have to lose my temper before he 'gets it' and stops the behaviour. I could go on... He's started to ask me to repeat what I've said when I know that he's heard me the first time around and I can feel my blood boiling. There is a whole other stuff I could offload here but it doesn't seem relevant. This is what's popped up this week. He only got back on Monday. Sh!t!

Am IBU or is he really frustrating? We're both mid-thirties and no kids so it's not like we have DC in the crossfire. I don't have a sense of whether I'm nitpicking and looking for issues or whether we just need to separate. I'm a bit of a perfectionist as well so I'm in no doubt that I'm probably annoying too.

Help :(

It's deliberate. All of it. Don't waste 20 years like I did.

Take some time to properly observe his behaviour - does he do the same thing to friends and family/colleagues?

He just isn't paying attention, it must be like talking to someone with alzheimers.
I used to be like this with my exH and would say do you ever actually listen or care about anything I say?
The decaff coffee alone would send me over the edge
If someone pissed me off this much I'm afraid I'd dump them. I prefer my men a little more engaged.

@Collaborate

You're right. It's not healthy. It sounds abusive. He should probably end the relationship.

Never listening to someone repeatedly is abusive and deliberate.

@mumjustmum

For instance, this week, my husband and I were having sex and he did something I don't like and find painful. I've told him REPEATEDLY for 5.5 years I don't like this and find it painful in the past. I told him twice during this weeks sex to stop, the third time I LOST MY SHIT.

He then is all 'wounded fucking soldier' who "just got carried away".

He doesn't give a fuck about me, and if we didn't have three young children I'd have left a year ago. Run op, please please run. Please.

Please don't stay with a man who has sexually assaulted you. Please.

You may have three children but them growing up in a house where men sexually assault women (and are generally disrespectful to them) does so much more damage than living with a happy, healthy single parent could.

@SherryTBangles no words! Enjoy your sanctimony x

@Ellextra @youvegottenminuteslynn I know that you're both saying ladies, and I'd advise the same, but he earns a fortune, would want the boys 50/50 (he is a lovely dad) and I don't work. I've been a fool I know. I also frankly, just couldn't manage three under three alone and he works from home. We generally have a very good life.
Thank you both xx

@mumjustmum please please don’t stay with that man. My issues are light touch but what you’ve described… you need to run. Please help yourself xx

Yanno, hormones or not. Once it gets to this stage it's game over man. Nobody wants to feel cross with their partner all of the time.

How are thing now though OP?

We have all lost it in a marriage, I don't believe people when they say they have never got angry or frustrated with their partner.

Is there a possibility he is just forgetful and weirdly quirky, with the veg stuff?

I dont think he would buy whole milk to annoy you, he might just be a bit ditzy?

My husband isn't the greatest listener, but he is like it with everyone, so I know it's not personal. Still drives me insane though.

@mumjustmum

For instance, this week, my husband and I were having sex and he did something I don't like and find painful. I've told him REPEATEDLY for 5.5 years I don't like this and find it painful in the past. I told him twice during this weeks sex to stop, the third time I LOST MY SHIT.

He then is all 'wounded fucking soldier' who "just got carried away".

He doesn't give a fuck about me, and if we didn't have three young children I'd have left a year ago. Run op, please please run. Please.

Please take your own advice and run.

Having been married to someone thats parents were in an abusive relationship, I am telling you now you are NOT protecting the kids by staying and it will do them more harm than good.

It's difficult to get the full picture from what you've said. There are a number of possibilities. You might be peri or menopausal, especially when you've talked about it passing. It's impossible to know whether he is not listening/paying attention because of an issue (I have ADHD/ASD and I do the asking to repeat thing - because I've "heard" but not been able to process what I heard, to the buying weird things - I find myself in the aisle, I know I need something, I pick something up, my brain is racing with the million other things I need, I don't check properly and wander off with the incorrect item), he is winding you up deliberately so you look like the bad guy or he just cannot be bothered.

It's not OK to keep losing it with a partner, and it is not a healthy relationship.

@Tyredofallthis1 thanks for such an understanding response. It is exhausting! You’re right! It wears me down the drip drip drip of dealing with niggles as and when they pop up. I haven’t noticed a pattern tbh. His brother has called him out for asking stuff to be repeated in front of me. I know this habit isn’t just around me.

There is a habit of him doing stuff in a way that others would find weird or offbeat. Not malevolent but just a bit odd. Like, buying blinds that don’t fit an entire window so too much light comes in.

And yes! Coffee is super important to me. I drink heaps of it and WFH. When he buys the wrong type it means I’m out of coffee because he typically will take my car off to do an errand (we share one) and I don’t live within walking distance of a shop therefore = no coffee unless he does another trip to buy the right kind

Am IBU or is he really frustrating

Who do you think makes the rules about what you're allowed to feel frustrated about?

It's not about who is right and who is wrong; there are no rules. As an example, if you loved spiders, it would be really sweet if your partner brought one in from the garden to show you, whenever they were mowing the lawn. If you had a phobia of spiders, the same behaviour would class as abusive. It's not the action that's wrong (unless it's obvious abuse like violence or verbal abuse), it's the fact that it makes you feel a particular way, your partner knows, and chooses to continually cross your boundaries.

Losing it over coffee... that's really just a sign of how close to the edge you are. And we can all get like that, if we spend too much time with people who wind us up a bit, then a bit more, then a liiiitle bit more, until boooooom!! It's always a little straw that breaks the camel's back.

Who else in your life gets you worked up into this state? Let me guess: nobody. You're generally a fairly even tempered type of person, and if anybody else brought you the wrong coffee, you'd say 'Not to worry', and either drink it anyway, or make a fresh one. It wouldn't be an issue.

I'm feeling so cranky but is it me? Or is it him

It's you. You insist on spending time with somebody who does your nut in and makes you explosive. It's not up to him to meet your needs or make you happy. If he doesn't, it's up to you to get out. Take responsibility for your own wellbeing; spend your time around people who make you feel the way you want to feel.

@mumjustmum

For instance, this week, my husband and I were having sex and he did something I don't like and find painful. I've told him REPEATEDLY for 5.5 years I don't like this and find it painful in the past. I told him twice during this weeks sex to stop, the third time I LOST MY SHIT.

He then is all 'wounded fucking soldier' who "just got carried away".

He doesn't give a fuck about me, and if we didn't have three young children I'd have left a year ago. Run op, please please run. Please.

He has repeatedly sexual assaulted you (and quite possibly repeatedly raped you). Please get help (Women's Aid, family, friends, the Freedom Programme, your own thread on here)

I’m going to go a bit off piste here, but just because you lost your shit about the coffee, doesn’t actually mean it was about the coffee.

From someone who has undertaken a lot of counselling recently for feeling overwhelmed and angry generally it’s not always the things that trigger you that are actually the cause. I lost my shit with my Dh loads, but it’s never been about him.

I wouldn’t end a whole relationship until I’d done some work on understanding the cause first. If it is about him/the relationship then go, but these things are never a simple as they seem.

mumjustmum

re your comment:-
"@Ellextra @youvegottenminuteslynn I know that you're both saying ladies, and I'd advise the same, but he earns a fortune, would want the boys 50/50 (he is a lovely dad) and I don't work. I've been a fool I know. I also frankly, just couldn't manage three under three alone and he works from home. We generally have a very good life".

Denial is a powerful force isn't it.

Well he has a very good life; for you though its a lot worse and you're basically staying now because of the children. Sadly that is a choice they won't ultimately thank you for making either. Of course you can and will indeed manage; do not ever think that you cannot!!!. Leaving is not easy but staying like this is akin to death by 1000 cuts; you will die a slow death in this marriage if you stay and your self worth along with your mental health will further tank. Children are not daft and will pick up on all the vibes here; both spoken and unspoken. Do not do that to yourself or in turn your children. Also ask yourself what you want to teach them about relationships as well as what they are learning here. This is no relationship model for them to be learning from.

You cannot and should not use the kids as the glue to bind you and their dad together. Why are these men also described as lovely dads; its clear that he is not because he would not treat you as their mother like you are being. You write yourself that he does not give a fuck about you. He is therefore not a lovely man at all, let alone a lovely father.

I also doubt very much he would at all want 50/50 unless it was to somehow spite you and use them to have control over you. How would 50/50 work with his job; it likely would not and he would palm them off onto someone like his mother.

It sounds as if this relationship has run its course from your side.

We all do annoying things, but there comes a point where we cannot overlook them anymore

There seems to be a lot simmering under the surface. 2 years is really not enough to get to this stage of irritation (if the relationship was right)
For me, coffee is one of the most important things in the house, so if someone bought me a decaf and a type of milk I don’t drink I would be annoyed too. Probably not explosive levels but like you said- it’s been building up.
You also say that he mostly stays at yours. On the basis of...? Cocklodging? Or is he contributing financially and emotionally to sharing a living space. This is quite important as a lot of resentment builds from men casually using women’s homes as their safe and free havens.

What do you think REALLY is the issue in your relationship. You must know the answer.

If you did this to him he would indeed not be as forgiving. This to me is him further manipulating you and making you feel this angry. He knows full well what he is doing here to you and has likely done this with ex partners too. What is his relationship history like?.

It sounds like he is pretty annoying, honestly if you're finding small things making you angry as they are part of a bigger picture I'd run for the hills, this won't get any better.

@AttilaTheMeerkat You speak an awful lot of truths and it's hard to read. Thank you though.
In response to the 50/50 - he'd be fine, we have a lovely nursery whereby the boys already go three days a week. I know also his mum (who is excellent with children and an ex primary school teacher) would wet herself with excitement of having the boys for whenever my husband needed. She's a fabulous Grannie, and I trust her completely.
But I had my children to raise them myself! I know though that if we split and my husband needed a 'sitter' he'd ask his mum before me as you're right, the 50/50 thing would be spite. I also wonder though if he's said that as a deterrent for me to leave. I couldn't bare to only see the boys for half of the week.

I feel full of self loathing when I lose my temper, so wouldn’t want to stay with someone who made me do that, regardless of the rights or wrongs of the situation. Do you still find him attractive? Do you still respect him or do you find him just too irritating?

If you are a perfectionist you may want to consider how tolerant you are of people generally. What are you generally like with people you have been on holiday with/spent a lot of time with/lived with before?