Leaving because I’d like another baby

[Mefirst86]

First ever post.
I’m considering ending my relationship because my partner doesn’t want to have any more children. We have one ds who’s 6. For various reasons having another had to be put off and then he changed his mind altogether, his reasons are valid but personal to him and not because of money or our situation etc
The thought of wanting another child and having a baby consumes me every day and I’m resentful that he is in control of that decision. I know that ending things wouldn’t mean that I would end up meeting someone and having a baby but the fact that it could be an option for me seems more appealing than having someone else decide for me and feeling incomplete. If it didn’t happen I feel that I could come to terms with that knowing that I’d tried.
We are not married but have been together 8 years and are as good as. I’d love to have that special day for me and my family but I also feel he is in control of that decision too and it will never happen so ultimately I feel like I’m sacrificing a lot and he’s not offering any sort of compromise.
Day to day things are fine and it would be very sad to end the relationship but it’s the bigger things in life that we cannot agree on. I’m 35 now so very much feel like it’s the time to accept the situation or make a change.
I’m not worried about being a single parent etc I’m more worried about explaining to my son who is a sensitive boy and the negative impact on him, I don’t want him to think he’s not loved and I need something more I just have more love to give to another child.
Not really sure what I’m asking but I don’t really have anyone to tell in real life!

You want different things... It's hard. It's hard to make this decision, the final one, because you might be thinking that he changed his mind once, why not once more?
Unfortunately I don't have the answer, trust me I wish I did. You know him better than anyone, does he seem like this is his final word on the matter? Have you given him some time to think?

Also, if your main struggle is how to announce the news to your ds, it seems to me like your mind is already set, but try to make decisions with a clear mind. Finally, before breaking the news -to the child or your partner-, check books that advise on the matter, or even ask a child psychologist, they will have hands-on tips for you surely.

Good luck with everything x

@AliceinBorderland

Massive age gaps can be a problem too. The OPs child is 6.

My friend had a baby when her first just turned 5. Now she is on maternity leave with a 2 month old and she has actually said her maternity leave is being utterly spoilt by having to do the school run with a new born.

Rather than enjoying her baby and extended mornings feeding him and relaxing with him, she is up and out the door dragging him along on the school run.

It is also interesting to see how ambivalent many men are about DC. So many threads I see women referring to the man having HIS children cared for by them as if they have somehow done the man a favour by having a baby with him.

Many men only agree to children as the woman wants it and much of the time they are really not that bothered.

I share your thoughts in the last 2 paragraphs and have said very similar on here myself. Most men, in my experience, really aren’t that bothered. In all of my 42 years I can only think of one bloke I knew who actively wanted children.

I think you’re treading water in a dead relationship and would be happier taking control of your own life now. Be prepared, he could meet someone else quickly who isn’t submissive and makes him do things like marriage and kids in order to be with her as most women who won’t compromise stand their ground before getting pregnant. The issue in your relationship is a power imbalance. He has all the power. You had a child outside of marriage and now have no cards left to play. He knows this. You’re in a no win situation so you are best off not playing his game and stepping out and living your own life and maybe you’ll find someone who wants what you want. Start dating. I have plenty of friends who have gone on to marry and have more kids in your kind of situation. You’re young. I say go for it. At least you’ll have your power back

@Mefirst86 I think looking at this relationship properly for the next few months is the correct decision.

It could be all you have been through or it could be that the relationship is failing and you think the lack or marriage and a second child is a 'legitimate' reason to leave. Its obvious that these aren't the only things that are going.

I do think it's unfair to say he is calling all the shots. You said he has always been this way about marriage. If he always was, you chose to move in with Jim and have a baby with him. You did make your own choices about that, you did call the shots in your own choices

All he has done is communicate he doesn't want more children. Which he absolutely has a right to. It's not really him calling the shots. No more than you wanting one and leaving over it, is calling the shots for him.

He has always bene clear about marriage and now being clear about having more kids. You stayed and called you own shots over marriage.

Now you are calling the shots over kids.

I don't actually think you would be wrong to leave because I don't think this is an entirely happy relationship. But I think its wrong to position him as being the only one who is getting their way. You aren't a bystander in your own life.

Also, splitting is difficult for kids. But so is living in a house with parents whose relationship is failing and they won't face it. My personal opinion, is that splitting is usually damaging to kids because of how the parents handle it. Rather than because of the actual split.

A year on...what did you do?!

Did I read correctly that you are also upset you are not married? Would like to be but he decided that too. I would say it is not just the idea of another child, but rather that he doesn't compromise and you feel everything is on his terms. I would work hard to see if there were room for negotiation and maybe talk to someone. I would also be crystal clear about needing to be heard and that you are reaching a point of no return.

Take no notice of all the surrendered wives posting that you are selfish. You have one life to live so do it on your terms. you sound strong and sensible.

I have a 7 year gap between mine. Yes, you have to do the school run so it’s not the same as first time round but I think that is such a minor point!
It is harder in some respects with a big age gap when the younger one is no longer willing to just be taken along to what the older one is doing but you make it work. Mine are now early 20s and 14 and I am so glad I carried on trying for number 2. DH was less bothered but there is no way I would have accepted it if he had said no more.

Realistically, if you were to leave, it's likely your son will be close to 10 before you're ready to have another child (by the time you've split, moved on, met someone, allowed your child to meet new partner, felt committed enough to have a child, pregnancy...) and that's probably a minimum I'd imagine.

So the reality is, they wouldn't really feel like close siblings for a long time. You'd also have a lot to juggle. Your eldest would be close to secondary while your newborn would be in nappies.

Personally I would work on communicating with your partner.

I understand your feelings of powerlessness. I think you need to have a proper chat with your partner. He needs to know how serious this is for you. Good luck!

A few things.

1. Your DP has changed the goalposts by saying he no longer wants children. He is entitled to do that and you are entitled to decide that you no longer want to continue your relationship as a result.
2. Your DP can change his mind because he is a man and isn’t limited by biology - you break up in 10 year, he meets someone else who is younger and can start again but you can’t. This means that he is under less pressure than you are to make the “right” decision now.
3. I wouldn’t leave my DP because I thought I could meet someone else to have a baby with because there is no guarantee of that. But I would leave my DP if I resented them for making a unilateral decision that had a huge impact on my life and felt like I couldn’t move past it.
4. If you decide to stay consider counselling to help you move on from this otherwise there is a good chance your relationship won’t survive it anyway.

At 35 you don’t have a lot of time to waste in terms of having babies. I wouldn’t hang around for 6 months. Marriage is important to you - and for good reason when you become a mother - and apparently he doesn’t care. Having another baby is important to you - and apparently he won’t consider it.

Yes, to counselling. No to staying.

And if you are really serious about a second child, seriously consider whether you have time to find another partner and get established enough to have a child before it is too late. It may very well be better to make the decision to go for a sperm donor and put partnership aside for a few years - but a fertility assessment may help with this decision.

You have a lot of time to find a new guy (yes, really you do) but not so long for the baby. (Get the fertility checks asap!)

And I bet your little boy would love having a new baby brother or sister. (Of course you aren’t going to make him think he wasn’t enough. Sheesh…)

Best of luck!

Just from my perspective. My DP also didn't want more children whereas I had always wanted a large family. I thought I'd accepted it, we stayed together. I'm now too old to change my mind, and I feel overwhelmingly sad about the life I wanted, and didn't have. I regret it so much now.
If you want another baby you can go it alone, even if you don't meet anyone else. Don't let him choose your life for you.

@Twinmum201 This thread is a year old.

Why did you resurrect a zombie thread without @ -ing the OP

She won't see this and a bunch of mugs have already replied to the OP.

You do not want the same things from life. You are feeling the pain if having to sacrifice your vision of how you want to live to be with him. Is he worth it? It doesn't appear that he is. You are living in a breeding ground for resentment.

It sounds like this relationship is already dead.

@Gingernaut because I'm new to this forum! Soz if it's annoyed, greatful for the mugs that have replied. And @Gingernaut "wow"

I think most posters have hit the crux of it:

1. You want different things - that's sad but also ok and you are right to want to go out and get what you want yourself

1. It is right to consider your current child - but you can't stay in an unhappy relationship for a child who will anyway pick up on it

1. You don't get to control the future (you might not meet anyone, not be able to have a baby and ironies of ironies your current partner could turn round meet someone else marry them and have a child with them -it happens) but that doesn't mean you don't get to try

1. Your post has changed - it firstly sounded like a purely second child thing, then it's teased out that marriage is also wanted but not agreed to, you speak of control and I noted (but may not be relevant) that you own most of your home? So there are bigger resentments.

Ultimately - what if he does agree to another child? How will that solve the other issues? In x years time when the second child also becomes independent, it will be back to just the two of you / how does that feel? I guess I am wondering how much the child is wanted for itself and how much to paper the cracks? I imagine the two are really closely interwoven

When you have a second child, you will lose 50 percent of your current child because he will be split between homes.

I feel that deep down you have unhappiness. The happiness has to come from you, not your husband.

I hope OP comes back to the thread I'd also like to know whether things worked out!

It appears your dissatisfaction and resentment has hit def con 5. If marriage was as important to you as you say it was, you should have prioritised it. He is allowed to change his mind about not having more children, no one know the reality of having kids until they have them. It sounds like you have a very fixed idea what your future would look like and marriage and more kids seem almost like a tick box exercise.

Marriage would mean the world to your family, WTAF!

Split up if you want but you should do it with a clear head.

This!

Thing is, it's all a risk.
You don't want to rush it or you'd be really irresponsible. It may take you 3-4 years to find someone. Then if you're planning on children with him you don't want to rush and move in / get pregnant or that'll be so unfair on your son so ideally you'd need to be dating for a year or two at least.
Then what if you can't conceive or you struggle, what if the hypothetical man is an arsehole and strings you along, what if you do conceive and he cheats on you. What If you have the baby but it has disabilities? Then the guy leaves you.

These are all things that have a change of happening - with your son stuck in the middle. You're not submissive to a man, don't be ridiculous. You have different wants.

The chances of this working out perfectly for you are smaller than it going wrong.

ZOMBIE

Can you see why resurrecting a thread like this without the OP knowing causes frustration?

You get loads of people advising the OP who is long gone and it wastes everyone's time

If you're in a similar situation, start your own thread. Much more useful to you

And if you're new, have a good read round and you'll see how it works

@Mefirst86
How did things go

It seems to me that you would be giving up 50% potentially of the time spent with first child in order to pursue potentially having another one?

I know you are not truly happy in the current relationship and I do hope counselling will help you. What if he changed his mind about marriage would you feel happier? It may not be important to him but he should understand that it’s important to you….