Leaving because I’d like another baby

[Mefirst86]

First ever post.
I’m considering ending my relationship because my partner doesn’t want to have any more children. We have one ds who’s 6. For various reasons having another had to be put off and then he changed his mind altogether, his reasons are valid but personal to him and not because of money or our situation etc
The thought of wanting another child and having a baby consumes me every day and I’m resentful that he is in control of that decision. I know that ending things wouldn’t mean that I would end up meeting someone and having a baby but the fact that it could be an option for me seems more appealing than having someone else decide for me and feeling incomplete. If it didn’t happen I feel that I could come to terms with that knowing that I’d tried.
We are not married but have been together 8 years and are as good as. I’d love to have that special day for me and my family but I also feel he is in control of that decision too and it will never happen so ultimately I feel like I’m sacrificing a lot and he’s not offering any sort of compromise.
Day to day things are fine and it would be very sad to end the relationship but it’s the bigger things in life that we cannot agree on. I’m 35 now so very much feel like it’s the time to accept the situation or make a change.
I’m not worried about being a single parent etc I’m more worried about explaining to my son who is a sensitive boy and the negative impact on him, I don’t want him to think he’s not loved and I need something more I just have more love to give to another child.
Not really sure what I’m asking but I don’t really have anyone to tell in real life!

@gannett

I'm a bit confused by the multiple posters in this thread to whom marriage was so important, and yet they got into relationships with men who were clear they didn't believe in marriage?

one tricked her husband into having another baby (Two actually!) by not taking her contraception.

Horrifying that multiple posters in this thread are happily suggesting this course of action.

I don't get it either. A child shouldn't have been had if marriage was so important.

The deal breaker for the OP now is another baby or I'll leave.

The deal breaker ought to have been many years ago before the baby....marry me or Ill leave. Not have a baby in the first instance and then somehow hope you'll get what you want regarding the rest.

I don't think you should stay with your husband if you don't want to, he doesn't want to marry and that would disturb/upset me for starters.

However, I don't think you can link leaving him with having another baby with someone else. For everyone who does have a baby at 38/40, there's another person posting on Mumsnet that they can't find anyone in online dating, it's hard to date as a single parent, or that they met someone and it's not happening quick enough/the new person doesn't want to marry/have babies straight away. That's without dealing with the fall out for new babies/older kids and access etc.

I think therapy is a good idea, but you can't just decide to have a baby with someone else aged 35 and manifest it, or people would do that- I think opening yourself up to leaving this relationship, if that's what you want, and then to what might come next which may or may not include more children might be great. Also, you might meet a man who already has kids and doesn't want more...

You are using 'wanting another baby' as a reason to leave. As your husband refuses to have another child there can only be one way to solve it and that is leave. You are deliberately cutting out the option of working through things to save your relationship. This speaks volumes to me.

There isn't much room to work through things though when the 2 people's wants are totally opposite? There is no compromise between having another child and not having another child.

Can we also just acknowledge that originally they'd discussed another child and then her partner changed his mind?

He's obviously completely entitled to do so but she stayed in the relationship believing they would have another child.

I'd also be worried about the fact that he doesn't want to marry you - what if he leaves you in a few years time, meets someone else and has a baby with them, you would be devastated.

This.

I know and I'd be having a very serious chat, or series of chats about how you are thinking of leaving due to this incompatibility and feeling like he's changed his mind. However, people do change their minds, including both women and men when they see the reality of children or if there are issues in childbirth.

They already have a child together though. If the only reason to leave is because the OPs partner wont have another child - don't they owe it to their son to talk things through about what really is going on?

@Bamburghdoodle

They already have a child together though. If the only reason to leave is because the OPs partner wont have another child - don't they owe it to their son to talk things through about what really is going on?

This exactly. It's a totally different situation to leaving a relationship without children.

Sorry for wanting to take charge of my own life and live it the way in which i desire.

Me me me me me. Your child should come first, if you're a good parent. You don't get to follow your dreams as though he doesn't exist.

Fast forward 3 years. You've got your new baby, so you're happy, but your son has two homes, and a new stepdad. Maybe a stepmum even - how does that sound? 50% of the time, another woman in his life, looking after him, helping with his homework, loving him. Your son now has to negotiate a relationship with two or more stepparents (who is to say you won't need to go through a few men to find one to have a baby with) who he may or may not get on with, a half sibling (or more), and splitting his time between two homes and being pulled between his parents in each one because co parenting is extremely difficult, more so if there's resentment there.

But you've got a baby to cuddle so it's all good. Until that one grows up a bit and you need another to satisfy the urge for a third.

Some practical considerations...

How do you propose to share care of your son? 50/50 shared care?
Where do you intend to live?
How do you intend to support yourself?

If you can't answer those questions, maybe you should start thinking about them before you even consider baby#2....

That’s a very difficult situation OP. I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

It sounds like you and DP want different things from the future and that this is slowly pulling you apart.

Money plays a massive part, it shouldn’t, but it does. If you leave him and you and DS end up in a tiny flat struggling for money with no likelihood of another baby on horizon, then you’ll probably wish you’d stayed with DP.

If you can afford to leave, live comfortably in a nice house, have artificial insemination asap and raise both children without needing to worry about money, then you’d probably be thrilled to have left.

Good luck OP. And be careful who you listen to on the internet! Go for a looooong walk alone and reflect on whether you love DP enough to spend the rest of your lives together, or whether you kind of love DH but need more, to be happy, than he is offering.

@OnwardsAndSideways1

I know and I'd be having a very serious chat, or series of chats about how you are thinking of leaving due to this incompatibility and feeling like he's changed his mind. However, people do change their minds, including both women and men when they see the reality of children or if there are issues in childbirth.

And OP accepts that his mind has changed which is why she isn't pressuring him, but that doesn't mean she's bad for not wanting to stay in the relationship now the terms have changed.

If my partner turned around to me now and said actually he never wants to marry and also doesn't want to have a child then I would leave.

@LittleMysSister I agree, so would I. I just think the Op would be better leaving as the marriage is going nowhere and opening herself up to fate, than thinking realistically she's going to meet, marry and have a baby with someone when she already has a child and she's 35 now. She might, she might not, she might meet someone who doesn't want more kids, try to have kids but not have them, her son needs much more attention/hates sibling, can't find anyone (like I say, join the dating threads) who is ready and willing to marry and have a baby in a short time frame....

if the end goal is 'have another baby' that's much more problematic than 'leave unfulfilling marriage and see what happens'

I would go for some counselling and try repair the relationship first.
It does sound like he has quite a lot of control over the whole relationship and the future. I can totally understand why you would feel resentful. A counsellor could help iron out some of that and teach him about compromise.
For me it would be too risky to leave and you are not guaranteed to meet someone new at all, let alone meet someone who wants a DC. And especially as you say your DS is quite sensitive.

[quote OnwardsAndSideways1]@LittleMysSister I agree, so would I. I just think the Op would be better leaving as the marriage is going nowhere and opening herself up to fate, than thinking realistically she's going to meet, marry and have a baby with someone when she already has a child and she's 35 now. She might, she might not, she might meet someone who doesn't want more kids, try to have kids but not have them, her son needs much more attention/hates sibling, can't find anyone (like I say, join the dating threads) who is ready and willing to marry and have a baby in a short time frame....

if the end goal is 'have another baby' that's much more problematic than 'leave unfulfilling marriage and see what happens'[/quote]
Oh yes, totally agree with you there.

OP has said she'd be happier with the chance and freedom than staying somewhere were it's a definite no though, so I do think she's considered this aspect lot.

I wasn’t expecting such a mixed bag of responses to be honest! But it is making truly consider everything so thank you.
I do think it has become more about the dynamics of our relationship and not specifically me conceiving a child. My partner isn’t a bad person at all but yes he has changed his mind about life altering things. I’m not prepared to grinned him down and make him give him, I guess that’s why I started this thread.

For those wondering about my lifestyle choices there are no issues around money or housing etc, I work 2 jobs part time jobs around the needs of our son and own the majority of our house, I’m good. Even if I wasn’t staying in an unhappy relationship to live in a nice house etc isn’t the one.

We have spoke about it a lot in the past but he seems closed off to new conversations or we just go over old ground.
I feel like I’m going to invest in my current relationship which probably does need some attention, over the next 6 months or so and see if either of us change of minds naturally, if not I know I have tried and no ones forced to live a life they are not happy with.

Sorry but I think it's selfish to break up a family because you don't get what you want

I'd leave in these circumstances too.

You'll resent him in 10years time even more than you do now.

Good luck OP. I agree you shouldn't stay for a nice house etc, I don't think that's really what PPs are saying. Just that life can feel less romantic and fulfilling than you imagine when actually you find yourself ground down by circumstances following a break up. I find myself surprised at the stance I took on your OP because I would never advocate someone staying in an unhappy relationship. I just think you haven't given a full picture about how you envisage your new life working, aside from your quest for another child (albeit you acknowledge it might ultimately prove to be an unfulfilled goal). This is what didn't quite sit right - throwing up your son's stability is no minor thing and you don't really say much about how that features in your thinking at all. I get that you don't need to share all your thoughts with strangers on the internet, but I think it's great that you're giving yourself some time to really work through the realities of your different potential lives. All the best to you, it's shit being a grown up sometimes, especially when you are stuck in a situation that's going to cause upset either way.

Massive age gaps can be a problem too. The OPs child is 6.

My friend had a baby when her first just turned 5. Now she is on maternity leave with a 2 month old and she has actually said her maternity leave is being utterly spoilt by having to do the school run with a new born.

Rather than enjoying her baby and extended mornings feeding him and relaxing with him, she is up and out the door dragging him along on the school run.

It is also interesting to see how ambivalent many men are about DC. So many threads I see women referring to the man having HIS children cared for by them as if they have somehow done the man a favour by having a baby with him.

Many men only agree to children as the woman wants it and much of the time they are really not that bothered.

@AliceinBorderland

Massive age gaps can be a problem too. The OPs child is 6.

My friend had a baby when her first just turned 5. Now she is on maternity leave with a 2 month old and she has actually said her maternity leave is being utterly spoilt by having to do the school run with a new born.

Rather than enjoying her baby and extended mornings feeding him and relaxing with him, she is up and out the door dragging him along on the school run.

It is also interesting to see how ambivalent many men are about DC. So many threads I see women referring to the man having HIS children cared for by them as if they have somehow done the man a favour by having a baby with him.

Many men only agree to children as the woman wants it and much of the time they are really not that bothered.

Gosh that seems an odd reaction from your friend tbh. Second babies always have to fit in round the needs of the first. It's a different experience. But my dd1 was at school when dd2 was born and I'm sure I had more time to relax and enjoy my newborn time than if she hadn't been.

@Glitterybug

Sorry for wanting to take charge of my own life and live it the way in which i desire.

Me me me me me. Your child should come first, if you're a good parent. You don't get to follow your dreams as though he doesn't exist.

Fast forward 3 years. You've got your new baby, so you're happy, but your son has two homes, and a new stepdad. Maybe a stepmum even - how does that sound? 50% of the time, another woman in his life, looking after him, helping with his homework, loving him. Your son now has to negotiate a relationship with two or more stepparents (who is to say you won't need to go through a few men to find one to have a baby with) who he may or may not get on with, a half sibling (or more), and splitting his time between two homes and being pulled between his parents in each one because co parenting is extremely difficult, more so if there's resentment there.

But you've got a baby to cuddle so it's all good. Until that one grows up a bit and you need another to satisfy the urge for a third.

Ding ding ding!

@longestlurkerever I did wonder that!

I think she wanted 2 closer together so neither one of them would be at school and her mat leave she could do what she liked including lazing in pajamas with a baby and a say 2 year old both at home. Lazy trips to cafes etc.

Now she can't just chill and enjoy the baby she said. Up every weekday and out on the school run. She isn't keen but I think she had difficulty conceiving hence the gap.

Definitely definitely try couples counselling first!

A tough one, but it's a huge risk of breaking up the parents of your child you have now, for an 'option' to have another child with someone else which may not work out.

Tough one, OP. I can see your point of view. But I couldn't break up a family with a child I already have, for a future hypothetical child. If that was purely the only reason for the break up.