Leaving because I’d like another baby

[Mefirst86]

First ever post.
I’m considering ending my relationship because my partner doesn’t want to have any more children. We have one ds who’s 6. For various reasons having another had to be put off and then he changed his mind altogether, his reasons are valid but personal to him and not because of money or our situation etc
The thought of wanting another child and having a baby consumes me every day and I’m resentful that he is in control of that decision. I know that ending things wouldn’t mean that I would end up meeting someone and having a baby but the fact that it could be an option for me seems more appealing than having someone else decide for me and feeling incomplete. If it didn’t happen I feel that I could come to terms with that knowing that I’d tried.
We are not married but have been together 8 years and are as good as. I’d love to have that special day for me and my family but I also feel he is in control of that decision too and it will never happen so ultimately I feel like I’m sacrificing a lot and he’s not offering any sort of compromise.
Day to day things are fine and it would be very sad to end the relationship but it’s the bigger things in life that we cannot agree on. I’m 35 now so very much feel like it’s the time to accept the situation or make a change.
I’m not worried about being a single parent etc I’m more worried about explaining to my son who is a sensitive boy and the negative impact on him, I don’t want him to think he’s not loved and I need something more I just have more love to give to another child.
Not really sure what I’m asking but I don’t really have anyone to tell in real life!

@Embroidery What women have done since time began, in this situation, is get pregnant and see where the cards lay. It's a gamble but a good one and irl it normally works out well. I know plenty of women who did it as did I

That's disgraceful, so are you suggesting she lies about contraception?

I don't have a view on whether you should leave your partnership or not, only you can decide that.

But I do have a perspective on being the older child growing up in a household where my mother felt (and communicated) the drive to have more children after me.

It was communicated to me in all kinds of ways most of them non-verbal that I wasn't 'enough' for her. It was pretty horrendous, to be honest.

As a child I felt like my presence made her sad. I grew up feeling like a walking let-down. Created as the first part of a 'set'.

Whatever you do and I'm not telling you to stay in a shit relationship, far from it don't sacrifice the child you already have for the potential ones that may or may not come in the future.

[quote MichelleScarn]**@Embroidery* What women have done since time began, in this situation, is get pregnant and see where the cards lay. It's a gamble but a good one and irl it normally works out well. I know plenty of women who did it as did I*

That's disgraceful, so are you suggesting she lies about contraception?[/quote]
OP is the one who openly admits she wants another baby. So it should be her dp who is on charge of contraception, to ensure there are no accidents, right?

I'm on another thread at the moment wher th op is the male partner in a similar situation as op - has admitted no more kids wanted but won't take responsibility for contraception and is afraid of a 20 minute procedure to ensure he has no more babies, who is bein absolutely lambasted into leaving his partner as they have such different ideas about dc2.

In this post the op is getting called out because someone has suggested that if she is in charge of contraception, yet she wants another baby, that should an accident happen it would be shocking.

Would it?

OP if you're still having piv sex, and HE doesn't want any more kids, he MUST accept responsibility for the contraception. I assume that you've been responsible for this up to now, and have accepted all the side effects for years, plus gone through pregnancy and birth for dc1. Time for dp to step up or step away.

If you’re 35 you’re going to have to find someone, get serious, move in and get pregnant on a pretty tight timescale. I think you need to really seriously consider the impact of that on your existing child. It could be really damaging to him (in addition to the loss of his happy home and united family).

Your existing child should come first.
If you are unhappy in the relationship then fair enough to leave but be aware that it will damage your son, probably for the rest of his life.
As to planning further children by a different father - I think you should give up on that idea now. You would need to be single for a year then may take a year to meet someone, then wait another year before introducing them to your son, then another year before moving in, then start TTC. You will be 40 by then. If you rush it that is bad for your son and probably for the other relationship too.

Looking at it from you partner's point of view, you only want to stay with him if he agrees to another child. That doesn't seem a suitable basis on which to bring a child into the world. As well as being pretty disloyal. And then you complain that he doesn't want to marry you.
Surely the commitment to partner has to come before the marriage and baby. You seem to want the marriage and baby before you will commit to your partner. It's all backwards and will never work. Counseling sounds a good idea

I can't believe the amount of posters calling you selfish etc for considering ending your relationship over this.

You're only 35. Why would you spend another 50/60 years with a man who you resent and who won't compromise with you?

In 12 years your son will be an adult. It's not going to ruin his life if you choose to leave and you've still got a hell of a lot of your own life to live after that.

Talk to your DP. Talk to the counsellor.

From your post you've really thought this through and know that your resentment would kill what is left of your relationship. That is an honest and realistic conclusion to come to. I went through similar with DH when he didn't want a 2nd child and I did. He changed his mind when the writing was on the wall for our marriage. Maybe your DP will too but maybe he won't. Either way I think you need to give yourself the chance of a different life.

@GoIntoTheLight

You’re giving your son the message that he isn’t enough for you, and so you’ll split up his family unit in your quest to have another child.

This, 100%. You would willingly split up your family to the detriment of your son, in the quest for another child. Your existing child should always be your priority.

@girlmom21

I can't believe the amount of posters calling you selfish etc for considering ending your relationship over this.

You're only 35. Why would you spend another 50/60 years with a man who you resent and who won't compromise with you?

In 12 years your son will be an adult. It's not going to ruin his life if you choose to leave and you've still got a hell of a lot of your own life to live after that.

Talk to your DP. Talk to the counsellor.

Considering your opinion is in the minority ………

@girlmom21

I can't believe the amount of posters calling you selfish etc for considering ending your relationship over this.

You're only 35. Why would you spend another 50/60 years with a man who you resent and who won't compromise with you?

In 12 years your son will be an adult. It's not going to ruin his life if you choose to leave and you've still got a hell of a lot of your own life to live after that.

Talk to your DP. Talk to the counsellor.

This ^

There is no ‘compromise’ to be had regarding having another baby. It’s not like you can meet in the middle and have half a baby, is it?

Blended families are challenging. Don’t underestimate the impact on your son when making this decision.

@TreborBore

Maybe not couples counselling initially, as it is your feelings driving this. Your partner, by not wanting marriage and another child is well within his rights to take that stance and for it to be respected, but ultimately he is putting his own needs above yours. This behavior can make someone on the receiving end question how important they truly are to that person.

If you really love someone, their pain brought about by my decisions might move you to make a compromise. In his shoes I might consider marriage or a child but not both as that compromise.

It’s not putting his needs above another. It’s about his right to not have another child or marriage. If it was the other way around would you say a woman should have a child to placate their husband ? Would you tell your son they have to get married because their partner desires it ? No.

The OP has to make a decision but I wouldn’t put the desire for a child at the head of the list for making the decision. If the relationship is untenable for other reasons, then end it. If it is only the lack of a second child, well that is much more complicated and no one but the OP can make a call on that.

I’m sorry about your situation OP. I have one child and lost another (which isn’t factored into my position in this case because it isn’t the topic). I went through the sadness about not having a second, but it passed and now I don’t think about only having one, at all.

Hi op. Does your dp know you're serious enough about having another baby that you're seriously considering leaving?

I split up with the father if my first child at 34 and gor together with someone and had 3 more kids. When I split up with him though I didn't expect to meet someone so quickly and he wanted kids so it was very (too) quick. But it meant that by the time i realised how damaged he was, my life was too embroiled and harder to leave with so many young kids.

So can be done and wouldn't change my kids but don't rush into anything. If you do split up then you'll have to give yourself time to get yourself back to an emotional level you can meet someone (which I reckon would be hard in your case because presumably you still have feelings and you're fairly happy outside of the kids issue) and then spend time finding someone and then ideally get to know them properly before having kids.

If you want marriage and more children and he doesnt, then that's a fundamental difference in the relationship. It's not something to be glossed over and ignored.

For a relationship to last, there needs to be an agreed middle ground on fundamental issues. Marriage and children are two of those issues.

Sorry for wanting to choose happiness and not being submissive to a man. Sorry for wanting to take charge of my own life and live it the way in which i desire. Sorry for wanting to share my love and care for others.
Sorry for not wanting to play the part of a wife and put on a show for the rest of my days. Gosh I wonder how many of you are actually unhappy yourselves because you have to shut up and put up.

I fully understand that he makes his own decision and I’m not prepared to trick him or push him into anything. It’s totally his own choice and whilst I do respect that it makes me unhappy.

I don’t spend every day thinking about what to do for the best because I’m selfish it’s because I’m trying desperately to do the right thing whatever that is.

You've had some really horrible comments here, OP.

It sounds like he's dictating exactly what happens in your life, and there is no room for compromise. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that full stop, taking aside the issue of wanting more children.

It's not anyone's place to dictate how many children you have other than yourself.

@bigbeautwoman my opinion might be in the minority but I have a parent who stayed in an unhappy marriage 'for the kids' for far too long. Kids notice.

The OP deserves a life outside of just being a mother too.

You don't need to agree with me but I wonder why so many people here think she should just shut up and put up and spend the rest of her life miserable, resentful and bitter.

Get some couple counselling.

Really the problem is he won’t commit. It’s not about the baby.

How would you feel if you were unable to have another baby, would you still want to leave ?

Sorry for wanting to take charge of my own life and live it the way in which i desire.

What else, apart from having a baby, does this involve?

You often don’t get to choose what your life is like when you have kids, in my experience and observations. If you have a child with high or additional needs, your life is very much taken over with that. I’d love to have some things in my life that just can’t happen, due to such responsibilities and restrictions.

My husband is not the biological father of my first 2 children. It’s not always easy. Please do consider this.

How will you feel missing every other weekend and every other Christmas with your son? Half the holidays? Every other birthday? How will you feel if you don’t like your ex’s new partner, or how they treat your son?

I don't know. Your child is 6.

By the time you've split up your family, found someone else and got pregnant again (if it happens) your son is easily 10+

A 10 yo won't be overjoyed about living between 2 houses and a screaming baby occupying your time and a step dad. Any older he might even ask to live with his dad.

Sorry for wanting to take charge of my own life and live it the way in which i desire

This springs out at me too. There’s an awful lot in your posts about wanting to have control of your own life.

But there’s so much in life you can’t control. You’re not going to be able to control whether you find another partner. Even if you do, you won’t be able to control whether he wants to marry you or have a baby with you, and certainly you’re not going to be able to control the timescale. You won’t be able to control your fertility. You won’t be able to control custody - you’ll need to make all sorts of agreements with your exP which won’t be entirely what you’d like. You won’t be able to control your DS’s decisions when he gets older.

Leave by all means but don’t kid yourself you’ll have any more control over future marriage and babies than you do now.

Aside from your DP not wanting more dc, how is the relationship? Do you love him? You said my son is my priority but he won’t be little forever well neither will this hypothetical dc who might never happen. Why are you so desperate for another dc that you want to leave your DP and uproot your ds?