Leaving because I’d like another baby

[Mefirst86]

First ever post.
I’m considering ending my relationship because my partner doesn’t want to have any more children. We have one ds who’s 6. For various reasons having another had to be put off and then he changed his mind altogether, his reasons are valid but personal to him and not because of money or our situation etc
The thought of wanting another child and having a baby consumes me every day and I’m resentful that he is in control of that decision. I know that ending things wouldn’t mean that I would end up meeting someone and having a baby but the fact that it could be an option for me seems more appealing than having someone else decide for me and feeling incomplete. If it didn’t happen I feel that I could come to terms with that knowing that I’d tried.
We are not married but have been together 8 years and are as good as. I’d love to have that special day for me and my family but I also feel he is in control of that decision too and it will never happen so ultimately I feel like I’m sacrificing a lot and he’s not offering any sort of compromise.
Day to day things are fine and it would be very sad to end the relationship but it’s the bigger things in life that we cannot agree on. I’m 35 now so very much feel like it’s the time to accept the situation or make a change.
I’m not worried about being a single parent etc I’m more worried about explaining to my son who is a sensitive boy and the negative impact on him, I don’t want him to think he’s not loved and I need something more I just have more love to give to another child.
Not really sure what I’m asking but I don’t really have anyone to tell in real life!

Ha at lazy trips to cafes with a 2yo. But I get it, similar situation here with the long gap not being planned but of all the downsides lack of newborn time on mat leave wasn't it.

Op I think the reason your op strikes on odd note as if you did leave and find someone you could envisage having a new life with, you'd still have to take it slowly and work out if the relationship is going to work for ds before advancing last dating. The odds seem stacked against getting to a point where it feels right to being another DC into the mix, as your focus will be on settling ds into his new life and adjusting to the split. If you get to the point where that sounds more attractive than the status quo then definitely you must leave, and maybe ultimately everything works out as you hope, but the idea that the reason for leaving is to fulfil your desire for dc2 and that is going to guide all your bect steps feels upside down to me, sympathetic as I am to the difficult situation you are in.

"I love my son more than anything but I feel like there’s space it my heart to double that. He’s my priory but he won’t be little forever."

I actually feel pretty sorry for your son. When you have to explain why daddy no longer lives with daddy.
By what you've said, you'll have to explain to him that just having him wasn't enough so you left and had a baby with someone else.

It's sooo easier said than done, finding someone, settling, moving in and having a baby.

*Me me me me me. Your child should come first, if you're a good parent. You don't get to follow your dreams as though he doesn't exist.

Fast forward 3 years. You've got your new baby, so you're happy, but your son has two homes, and a new stepdad. Maybe a stepmum even - how does that sound? 50% of the time, another woman in his life, looking after him, helping with his homework, loving him. Your son now has to negotiate a relationship with two or more stepparents (who is to say you won't need to go through a few men to find one to have a baby with) who he may or may not get on with, a half sibling (or more), and splitting his time between two homes and being pulled between his parents in each one because co parenting is extremely difficult, more so if there's resentment there.

But you've got a baby to cuddle so it's all good. Until that one grows up a bit and you need another to satisfy the urge for a third.*

This^

But it's people who choose not to have children who are just SO selfish.

@Mefirst86 can you tell you what it is that a second kid will bring you that your existing son doesn't already?

@Embroidery

What women have done since time began, in this situation, is get pregnant and see where the cards lay. It's a gamble but a good one and irl it normally works out well. I know plenty of women who did it as did I. Men like sex and have know instinctively since loosing their virginity that it can lead to pregnancy. Accidental pregnancy happens ALL THE TIME. Have you never wondered how? Even 'Friends' covers it. I assume youre still have piv sex?

Or get a sperm donation but then your kids have different fathers (no judgement from me - mine do, but its complicated and pp do judge) and its more of a gamble. More likely to end up as single mum this way, nothing wrong with being single mum. Often pp do stay with their bloke though.

Option 3. Beware of online dating. Anyone's chances of finding someone, getting married and having child in your timescale as a single mum, are far riskier than above options and this is by v v far the riskiest gamble.

I take it you think stealthing would also be ok?

I agree the relationship is key here and you need to try relationship counselling. If you were in love with your partner and had a solid companionship, the existing child and the marriage would be the priority. There would be no question of leaving. But there's a sense that your DP is dispensable and you resent him. It doesn't sound like you communicate well. These things can be worked on and I think for the sake of your child you should make every effort to do that before leaving.

Good decision OP.

I think if you focus on the relationship for 6 months (and if you can set aside the second baby resentment for that time) then you will know whether you have a good relationship which you don’t want to break up for an uncertain chance of a second baby, or whether actually the relationship isn’t all that great anyway even aside from this issue.

He’s my priory but he won’t be little forever

Neither will a subsequent baby, so what happens then

"Good decision OP.

I think if you focus on the relationship for 6 months (and if you can set aside the second baby resentment for that time) then you will know whether you have a good relationship which you don’t want to break up for an uncertain chance of a second baby, or whether actually the relationship isn’t all that great anyway even aside from this issue."

This. It's a really difficult one, OP.

The further complication is that he's under no time pressure to have another child. Most men can easily father children in their 40s and 50s, even beyond. So you may be in the situation where you forego a second child because he refuses to have another, your relationship ends and he then goes on and has further children with another partner. Of course, that risk exists no matter how many children you have with him now but if you'd already had the second child you always wanted then it shouldn't matter if he went on to have more children with a subsequent partner because you would not have given anything up.

I don't really understand people refusing to try for a second child unless domestic/financial circumstances militate against it, which doesn't seem to be the case here. It's a much bigger leap to go from 0 children to 1 child than to go from 1 child to 2 children. There is a bit of a difficulty in this case that since your son is now 6, you're beyond the really intense early years of parenting. I could understand a hesitation to go back to those. On the other hand, since you've got a child aged 6, you will both also know that those years pass pretty quickly one way and another.

It's a tough one, OP. Good luck.

Well, he has gone back on the initial agreement so this must be extremely tough for you. Resentment build up can destroy relationships so the only advise I think anyone can give you is to tell him exactly how you’re feeling, attend counselling if needed. Try everything before you consider walking away so that you know you did all you could. This must be heartbreaking for you. Good luck, OP.

I wouldn’t dream of doing this. You’ll end up a part time parent to your son, presuming that custody would be shared.

I had to make the decision to stay in similar circumstances to you except I was already married before having my dc. I decided to stay and give my only dc the best life I could. It is so hard for me denying the thoughts inside saying have another dc. I feel so sad inside whenever I see a large family. When I married dh we both wanted 3 dc but he changed his mind which I actually think is fair enough.

I personally couldn't gamble as I am 35 now and feel like by the time I meet someone settle down and have a dc it could be too late and in the meantime I've disrupted dc one life so so much.

I don't think it's selfish. It's natural to want a baby and once you have one child it is not exactly strange to get broody and think you would like another one.

Obviously you would need to think carefully OP as it's a big decision but I think it's a perfectly valid reason for ending a relationship.

i don't really understand people refusing to try for a second child unless domestic/financial circumstances militate against it

What don't you understand about it? Some people are happy with one and really don't want any more. I think it's better people are honest than bring children they don't really want into the world just because.

Your partner sounds incredibly complacent and set in his ways. You sound unsettled and unheard.
Couples counselling is a good idea but just as importantly, counselling for yourself. Explore where all your disatisfaction comes from, it's very liberating to be really heard, do that for yourself first. You can't fix your marriage by working harder on it all by yourself, he also needs to put some work in.

I don't really understand people refusing to try for a second child unless domestic/financial circumstances militate against it

Because they just want one child? Surely that’s the only reason they need?

I don't really understand people refusing to try for a second child unless domestic/financial circumstances militate against it, which doesn't seem to be the case here

What about poor mental health? The op said they had a tough ride after the first baby. Maybe ops dh doesn't want to roll the dice again.

Maybe having done the baby stage, sleepness nights, dirty nappies, etc etc etc some people realise they never want to do it again?!

I guess the child issue is a much larger one than marriage. If he offered marriage as a compromise, would you accept?

It seems to me that if you guys were married that would make your present situation even more difficult because not only would you be wanting to be free to have the option of a second child, but you would also be navigating a divorce and possibly losing some of your primary asset.

It is the case that every adult should get to make their own decisions about life changing things, but it must be very hard to be the other person with opposite wishes. You say he doesn't want to get married because marriages fail, that seems like odd logic. It's hardly like your relationship is bulletproof, you're on the internet telling strangers that you want to leave him.

What about poor mental health? The op said they had a tough ride after the first baby. Maybe ops dh doesn't want to roll the dice again.

Maybe having done the baby stage, sleepness nights, dirty nappies, etc etc etc some people realise they never want to do it again?!

Both of these comments are very patronizing.

If things were tough for her after her first baby, we don't know whether that was PND or a physical issue. In either case, I'm guessing it was way harder on her than on him. He should not get to deny her another chance at motherhood on that basis. Saying that he doesn't want another baby for any reason to do with him is fine. Policing a grown woman's choices is not fine.

And I'm guessing he never took on the lions share of the baby care work either. It's very rare that men with female partners at home do.

If things were tough for her after her first baby, we don't know whether that was PND or a physical issue. In either case, I'm guessing it was way harder on her than on him. He should not get to deny her another chance at motherhood on that basis. Saying that he doesn't want another baby for any reason to do with him is fine. Policing a grown woman's choices is not fine.

So ... Because he's a man .... He shouldn't be allowed to find having a child hard? That makes no fucking sense at all. I was talking about his mental health, not hers. Presumably she's willing to roll the dice. He's not. His mental health is just as valid and important as hers.

He's not policing her choices. He's making decisions about his own body. How odd that you phrase it as him denying her a chance at motherhood. She's already a mother. Your comments are pretty fucked up tbh.

Have you considered bringing up adoption or fostering?

@Allthingspeaches

Have you considered bringing up adoption or fostering?

Er… what?? Why would the OP’s DP consider adoption or fostering if he doesn’t want another child? Why would he be a good candidate?

I think counselling is an excellent idea.

You are not getting what you need from this relationship and you aren't contented with your lot.

You disagree on two major points having more children and marriage.

Two deal breakers for a lot of people.

Counselling will help you decide if they are deal breakers for you.

Good luck.

Half the men I see who have "personal reasons" on this issue are mad because they had to give up some sex postpartum. You haven't said his reasons. Call me awful but I judge heavily on them. Hard to tell how unreasonable he's being (or you) without knowing.