Leaving because I’d like another baby

[Mefirst86]

First ever post.
I’m considering ending my relationship because my partner doesn’t want to have any more children. We have one ds who’s 6. For various reasons having another had to be put off and then he changed his mind altogether, his reasons are valid but personal to him and not because of money or our situation etc
The thought of wanting another child and having a baby consumes me every day and I’m resentful that he is in control of that decision. I know that ending things wouldn’t mean that I would end up meeting someone and having a baby but the fact that it could be an option for me seems more appealing than having someone else decide for me and feeling incomplete. If it didn’t happen I feel that I could come to terms with that knowing that I’d tried.
We are not married but have been together 8 years and are as good as. I’d love to have that special day for me and my family but I also feel he is in control of that decision too and it will never happen so ultimately I feel like I’m sacrificing a lot and he’s not offering any sort of compromise.
Day to day things are fine and it would be very sad to end the relationship but it’s the bigger things in life that we cannot agree on. I’m 35 now so very much feel like it’s the time to accept the situation or make a change.
I’m not worried about being a single parent etc I’m more worried about explaining to my son who is a sensitive boy and the negative impact on him, I don’t want him to think he’s not loved and I need something more I just have more love to give to another child.
Not really sure what I’m asking but I don’t really have anyone to tell in real life!

Some of the comments in this thread are mad. Children and whether to marry are two major deal breakers for relationships. There is no compromise one person gets there way and the other either learns to accept it or ends the relationship.
For those causing OP selfish for not putting her existing child first. Have you at all considered the effect on OP’s son growing up in a relationship where one parent resents the other parent where the child learns one person in a relationship gets their way and the other puts up and shuts up. OP and her partner have very different visions of the future one wants to leave things as they are and the other wants another child and to get married. One of the hallmarks of a happy relationship is whether the couple want the same things in life and have a shared vision of the future.
OP if you leave keep it clear in your mind that you might not have another child. I know you love you son. Be grateful for him and treat having another baby as an added bonus if it happens for you.

@Mefirst86

Sorry for wanting to choose happiness and not being submissive to a man. Sorry for wanting to take charge of my own life and live it the way in which i desire. Sorry for wanting to share my love and care for others. Sorry for not wanting to play the part of a wife and put on a show for the rest of my days. Gosh I wonder how many of you are actually unhappy yourselves because you have to shut up and put up.

I fully understand that he makes his own decision and I’m not prepared to trick him or push him into anything. It’s totally his own choice and whilst I do respect that it makes me unhappy.

I don’t spend every day thinking about what to do for the best because I’m selfish it’s because I’m trying desperately to do the right thing whatever that is.

This just sounds truculent now with all the 'sorrys'

And also much much more than about another child and marriage if you see this as being submissive not getting what you want. Is submissive then if you do marry and have another child?

i dont think you are selfish.
he doesnt comprimise.
i think i would leave. if i cant find a partner i would have donor baby.
also, that is for ds will have a sibling as well which is important for me.

I can’t believe some of the comments on here! OP I’m sorry you’re in this position, it’s very unfair of your OH to be making all the decisions, especially such important ones. I have two friends who were in similar positions... one tricked her husband into having another baby (Two actually!) by not taking her contraception. The other had a big argument and honest conversation with her OH and made him see just how much it meant to her. They are now married with 3 children! Your feelings matter too xx

My brother was in a similar situation 5 years ago but without the first child.
His wife kept saying "next year" for trying for a baby. 8 years later he was 38 and she still kept putting it off. He left. Met someone else at 40. Married and now has an 18 month old daughter at 44. And couldn't be happier.
I wouldn't stay in a relationship where my partner wouldn't marry me and I was desperate for another child.

Sorry. 6 years ago. Not 5!

Sorry OP but this sounds extremely selfish if you were to do this to your DS just because you want another child.
However it seems like it goes much deeper - it sounds like you're not happy with your DP in general, you don't feel he is as committed to you as you are to him (you want to get married, he doesn't seem to want to get married). It sounds like your relationship is unhappy and unfulfilling. Staying in such a relationship is not healthy for anyone in the family, so probably the best thing is for you to end it.

sorry wrong thread.

I do feel for you OP, but ultimately I couldn't do it. I would hate bringing my children up in a blended family tbh. I totally understand that that's the way things work out and people make it work, often extremely happily,, but to set out to create that situation feels mad to me. That's not to say I can't envisage ever splitting from dh but it would be with a view to flying solo, not introducing my DD to a new family, and that in itself would be heartbreaking- sharing custody etc. You seem very focussed on DC only being truly fulfilling while little. Do you have a vision about what life will look like when your DC have grown (however many you ultimately have?) Because I think it would be worth spending some time visualising that life.

I couldn't break up my family for want of a second child. There are so many positives to having an only child and the thought of sharing contact and possibly ending up with someone else who maybe has their own kids and an ex to factor in just fills me with dread. Plus, DH and I are very happy.

However, as others have said, it sounds like there are deeper issues here and that you aren't happy. If you really want to leave because of those issues, leave, but ensure that you do so with the ability to accept that the mythical second child may not either happen or, indeed, make you any happier.

I think some people don’t appreciate the absolute obsessive biological drive to have children that can hit women. I had this with my first. I was totally consumed with wanting a baby. I’ve been like this again for no 2.
If my dh has been opposed it would seriously have rocked our marriage. I wanted a sibling for dc as well as a baby. I come from a large family and have appreciated having siblings and the benefits all my life they have brought.
Resentment will kill any relationship and it’s better to be honest and make a decision if you can live with this kind of compromise or not. At the same time having a slim chance to find the happiness you seek. I think you’re a better mum if you’re happy then in a miserable partnership.
Op does he know you are thinking of leaving? Would you consider having a baby solo? As others have said, it may be difficult to find someone else and get it all aligned to have another baby at this stage

You do not have to be a martyr to your son and stay. This resentment would be sometjong that i, in your shoes, could not deal with. I would leave as living with someone who didn't want to marry me or have another child would seriously erode any love and create a really shitty life for all 3

I think this is just a rubbish situation to be in. Those saying that you’re being selfish and should just accept it and stay as you are obviously haven’t felt the way you do. My dh was the one who wanted children. I came around to the idea but was clear I wanted 0 or 2. When dd was 19 months old, dh announced he didn’t want any more children and wasn’t prepared to discuss it. I left it for a few months but thought about another baby every day and decided that if he refused to have another, I would leave as the resentment would build and build until we had no relationship anyway. After about 5 months, I brought it up again. I didn’t threaten to leave but I did tell him just how important it was to me to try for another baby and, once he understood that, he agreed. Dd2 is almost 8 months now and we’re both very happy, although we have agreed definitely not to have a third!

I recently left a DP (no kids) because he could not give any answers on wanting kids, and he "does not believe" in marriage.

I felt hugely resentful that these avenues were apparently closed to me because of what he wants, and all the time while he was getting "everything" he wanted. He had a stable relationship, a practically live-in girlfriend, nice holidays because I sorted all that crap out, but without ticking a single one of my boxes.

Ultimately, I told him that we were no longer compatible and we broke up. Clearly it is far simpler when there are no children, but I could not have stayed with him when I felt so much resentment at hime having everything he wanted and me feeling like I was "on hold, indefinitely" in getting things that were important to me.

I don't think it is all about OP's need to have more children but other factors in the relationship playing in the background. My husband wasn't super into the idea of having more kids but he knew how important it is to me and we had a good chat and we ended up having one more. He is a great dad and never regrets having her now. It is all about how much the partner cares about each other. Good luck OP, hope you find your happiness either way x

It would be awful to break up your son's family for the sake of a hypothetical child that doesn't even exist and may never come to exist. Not everyone gets to have the number of children they want for various reasons. You owe it to your son to put him first. Really really bloody selfish to destroy his life because you want another baby.

I'm going to go opposite to everyone else's opinion and say leave him.

I met DP at 38, had our first baby at 40 and our second a month before my 44th birthday. I think you have plenty of time to meet someone else and have another baby.

I think that if you stay with your partner you will always resent him and wonder "what if" about the second child you never had. If you can't get over your desire to have another baby it will eat you up and kill your relationship anyway.

I'd also be worried about the fact that he doesn't want to marry you - what if he leaves you in a few years time, meets someone else and has a baby with them, you would be devastated.

You don't need to tell your son your exact reason for leaving, just tell him it's not working out between you and his Dad and you have decided to separate. A six year old won't understand a grown women's desire for another baby or need to know.

Dalidark what a thoughtful post.

@GoIntoTheLight

You’re giving your son the message that he isn’t enough for you, and so you’ll split up his family unit in your quest to have another child.

Yep. It boils down to this. Your desire for a hypotetical second child is more important to you than the stability and happiness of your existing child. I can't find a way to look at this that doesn't seem utterly selfish.

What will a second child give you that your son doesn't already?

It would be different if you didn't have kids and your partner wanted none. But you already have the experience of motherhood.

You're going to break up your son's family for a hormonal urge? Cause that's what it is.

@RantyAunty

So he doesn't want to get married or have another child.

Why is it only him who gets what he wants?

Because (unfortunately for OP - I feel for you!) that's how it works.

Children aren't things someone should compromise on. It's a yes or a no.

Both parties involved get full veto power (beforehand, anyway - once pregnant, obviously the woman has full veto power over whether the baby exists).

(Marriage, I'm more inclined to think it's a compromise that can be made - but it's still a big decision that I don't think someone should be cajoled or coerced into.)

Let's not pretend he's doing something wrong here - it seems he's been quite clear all along about marriage at least, and that is his right, and even if he wasn't, he's allowed to change his mind. OP can be angry or hurt or whatever she feels, that's legitimate, but it still doesn't mean he should compromise on something this big. Nobody should compromise on huge life decisions and especially not children - do it with your whole heart in it, or don't. I'd rather a man be honest about not wanting more children than half arsing it and being a shit father.

Just as he's allowed to decide whether that's what he wants, OP is allowed to decide whether a relationship with someone with those boundaries is what she wants. It's absolutely shit for her, but unlike where you go on holiday or what Netflix documentary to watch, there doesn't need to be - and in the case of children I firmly believe shouldn't be - compromise. Both parties involved get the right to say yes or no.

@Mefirst86

Sorry for wanting to choose happiness and not being submissive to a man. Sorry for wanting to take charge of my own life and live it the way in which i desire. Sorry for wanting to share my love and care for others. Sorry for not wanting to play the part of a wife and put on a show for the rest of my days. Gosh I wonder how many of you are actually unhappy yourselves because you have to shut up and put up.

I fully understand that he makes his own decision and I’m not prepared to trick him or push him into anything. It’s totally his own choice and whilst I do respect that it makes me unhappy.

I don’t spend every day thinking about what to do for the best because I’m selfish it’s because I’m trying desperately to do the right thing whatever that is.

FWIW OP I think you're well within your rights to do this.

I'd sit down him, tell him marriage and further children are priorities for you and if he genuinely doesn't want that then you will be leaving.

I think you are 100% taking the right approach. You are not tricking him or trying to force him, you are just being honest. If you are no longer compatible then you are no longer compatible.

You are using 'wanting another baby' as a reason to leave. As your husband refuses to have another child there can only be one way to solve it and that is leave. You are deliberately cutting out the option of working through things to save your relationship. This speaks volumes to me.

Using this reason to leave will be harmful to your son. It says that he is not enough for you and that your needs will always come first. He won't understand why you are leaving his secure family unit in the hopes of having a 'new' family with someone else.

If the real reason is that the relationship is stagnant and that you want more, speak to your partner and explain. If you want to move on thereafter you will feel more empowered to gave a new life. There's more chance of a better co-parenting future for your son this way too.

I hope everyone in the family finds happiness.

I'm a bit confused by the multiple posters in this thread to whom marriage was so important, and yet they got into relationships with men who were clear they didn't believe in marriage?

one tricked her husband into having another baby (Two actually!) by not taking her contraception.

Horrifying that multiple posters in this thread are happily suggesting this course of action.

@sofato5miles

You do not have to be a martyr to your son and stay. This resentment would be sometjong that i, in your shoes, could not deal with. I would leave as living with someone who didn't want to marry me or have another child would seriously erode any love and create a really shitty life for all 3

so true.