Leaving because I’d like another baby

[Mefirst86]

First ever post.
I’m considering ending my relationship because my partner doesn’t want to have any more children. We have one ds who’s 6. For various reasons having another had to be put off and then he changed his mind altogether, his reasons are valid but personal to him and not because of money or our situation etc
The thought of wanting another child and having a baby consumes me every day and I’m resentful that he is in control of that decision. I know that ending things wouldn’t mean that I would end up meeting someone and having a baby but the fact that it could be an option for me seems more appealing than having someone else decide for me and feeling incomplete. If it didn’t happen I feel that I could come to terms with that knowing that I’d tried.
We are not married but have been together 8 years and are as good as. I’d love to have that special day for me and my family but I also feel he is in control of that decision too and it will never happen so ultimately I feel like I’m sacrificing a lot and he’s not offering any sort of compromise.
Day to day things are fine and it would be very sad to end the relationship but it’s the bigger things in life that we cannot agree on. I’m 35 now so very much feel like it’s the time to accept the situation or make a change.
I’m not worried about being a single parent etc I’m more worried about explaining to my son who is a sensitive boy and the negative impact on him, I don’t want him to think he’s not loved and I need something more I just have more love to give to another child.
Not really sure what I’m asking but I don’t really have anyone to tell in real life!

@WombOfOnesOwn

Half the men I see who have "personal reasons" on this issue are mad because they had to give up some sex postpartum. You haven't said his reasons. Call me awful but I judge heavily on them. Hard to tell how unreasonable he's being (or you) without knowing.

"I'd rather have sex than a child" is a perfectly good reason not to have one if that's actually how the person feels. So is "I don't like the noise" or "I'd rather spend my money on a hobby." If you're going to straight-up tell your partner that their desire for sex is completely irrelevant to anything, you don't get to act shocked and horrified when they end up having sex with someone who actually cares that they wants it. And on a larger scale, when you straight-up tell your partner that their feelings are irrelevant to your choices, you don't get to play the victim when they do things that affect your life without pretending to care about your feelings, either.

Whatever your personal opinion of any of those reasons, there's nothing so unreasonable as thinking your partner owes you a baby because his reasons for not wanting one aren't good enough.

@WombOfOnesOwn

Half the men I see who have "personal reasons" on this issue are mad because they had to give up some sex postpartum. You haven't said his reasons. Call me awful but I judge heavily on them. Hard to tell how unreasonable he's being (or you) without knowing.

His reasons are irrelevant, just as a woman who doesn't want more children's are. There isn't a threshold of acceptable and unacceptable.

@WombOfOnesOwn

Half the men I see who have "personal reasons" on this issue are mad because they had to give up some sex postpartum. You haven't said his reasons. Call me awful but I judge heavily on them. Hard to tell how unreasonable he's being (or you) without knowing.

Ooh having sex, a loving relationship, holidays, nights out.

Or a screaming baby, dirty nappies, sleepless nights, endless drudgery for years.

You think it is bad to want some pleasure in life rather than the above.

Given the amount of threads on here about how much so many women regret having children it is not exclusive to men.

I too would rather have sex that be up all night with a baby.

Whether or not your relationship is good / could return to being good has to be the first step I think.

Because if it's basically good (or could be with a little attention) then it would seem a big risk to leave that and split your DS' family - meaning you see less of him - for something that might not happen. Or for something that even if it happens, makes your existing child's life less happy.

However, it takes 2 people to work on a relationship. So this can't all be you. It needs your DP to accept his part in things not being so great. He needs to accept his change of mind has caused you upset / disappoint and may do so for some time. He needs to accept that where your views have differed on 2 important aspects (another baby and marriage) he has got his way both times.

While it's hard to argue with someone who says they don't want another child, I can't find a good reason for him refusing to marry you. It clearly matters to you, but he's happy so he won't budge. That's pretty uncaring (and aside from the feelings, there are the many practical benefits of being married). That may be a good place to start in therapy - why doesn't he want to get married, when his DP wants to so clearly. What is he frightened of?

If you come to the conclusion that actually he's quite selfish, and doesn't care about your feelings. Or that you can't regain that love you feel is lacking a bit, then go ahead and split. It would be right thing to do, aside from the baby issue.

You will at least split knowing you've given your relationship every chance. You've tried. You may or may not meet someone else. You may or may not have another child. But you will have left an unhappy relationship so you'll be in a better position either way.

@Allthingspeaches

Have you considered bringing up adoption or fostering?

As an adopted person, your suggestions aren't suitable back up plans for people with partners who don't want children. Her partner doesn't want another child.

Children who are waiting to be adopted deserve to be wanted by a forever family or foster family as much as children who aren't adopted.

Adopted children are already vulnerable and more likely than others to have attachment / abandonment issues.

Moving them into a home where one partner doesn't want children is not exactly in their best interest is it?

Children in need of adoption aren't some sort of 'child lite' option.

@WombOfOnesOwn

Half the men I see who have "personal reasons" on this issue are mad because they had to give up some sex postpartum. You haven't said his reasons. Call me awful but I judge heavily on them. Hard to tell how unreasonable he's being (or you) without knowing.

Given how high stakes having a child is, any reason you don't want one (or another one) is perfectly legitimate. Even if it's just 'doesn't like kids TV' - that's enough reason, if you don't want one. Parenting involves enough compromise that if something is (in your view) as 'unimportant' as this is enough to put you off, then it's the correct decision not to do it. You have to be willing to make those sacrifices and accept them - and if you're not, not having a child is a good, sensible option.

(God forbid someone want sex, by the way. Yes, there can be changes in the post partum period, but I despise the narrative that men should be grateful for a once a year fumble after kids come along and are somehow perverted or immature for wanting a reasonable sex life. It once again positions sex as something women give - when plenty of us like it a lot and want it on an equal footing - and it leads to a lot of women internalising the message that sex after children is a treat, not a fundamental part of most relationships, and I think we see a lot of relationships fail because in the UK especially romantic relationships are almost expected to stagnate and die post kids. Which is a shitty way to encourage happy partnerships to the detriment of everyone).

Sorry but this relationship sounds very one sided. Where is the joint decision making? This man is in control of your destiny and is withholding your dream. The longer this goes on the more resentful you will become. I get your desire to give your son a sibling and I don’t think there is anything wrong in that. You only have one life and if you want marriage and another baby then you need to have a very frank conversation before you start getting your paperwork in order!!

@SunflowerTed

Sorry but this relationship sounds very one sided. Where is the joint decision making? This man is in control of your destiny and is withholding your dream. The longer this goes on the more resentful you will become. I get your desire to give your son a sibling and I don’t think there is anything wrong in that. You only have one life and if you want marriage and another baby then you need to have a very frank conversation before you start getting your paperwork in order!!

How ironic. You think he's in control of her life because he doesn't want more kids, but you don't see how her strongarming him into having a baby would mean exactly the same for him? Her dictating his destiny? Her witholding his dream of being done with the hard hard work of having young children to care for?

Smacks of sexism to me.

I think a lot of people are greatly overestimating the number of financially stable, reasonably personable single men under 50 with nothing seriously wrong with them who would jump with breakneck speed at the chance to marry and impregnate a 35-year-old with one child already. The question here shouldn't be "Is there a chance - however small - that I could find someone more to my liking and have a child with him before it's too late?" It should be "Would I be happier being single and staying that way?"

And if the answer is "Yes, my resentment of my husband is becoming toxic to me and my child" or "Yes, I'll use a sperm donor, and I'm financially capable of providing for that child on my own," that's fine, and she should do what she believes is best for herself and her child. But those of you encouraging OP to believe that Prince Charming is waiting just around the corner aren't doing her any favors.

@SunflowerTed

Sorry but this relationship sounds very one sided. Where is the joint decision making? This man is in control of your destiny and is withholding your dream. The longer this goes on the more resentful you will become. I get your desire to give your son a sibling and I don’t think there is anything wrong in that. You only have one life and if you want marriage and another baby then you need to have a very frank conversation before you start getting your paperwork in order!!

I don't think her purpose here is to "give her son a sibling." At six, he's old enough to have sort of opinion on whether he'd like one, and it seems she hasn't asked him. There's already too much of an age difference for the child and any subsequent half-sibling to be close growing up, even without the resentment the older child will inevitably feel. And I don't mean normal older-sibling stuff. I mean the fact that OP's obsession with the new baby is the reason the older child only gets to see his Dad every other weekend.

If it's that important to you there's nothing wrong with that, everyone's different.

As to explaining it to our son in a way that doesn't make him feel not enough @Mefirst86 , you could say that you wanted to give him a little brother or sister to play with. Or you could try and explain that it's a drive some women have, like feeling hungry or whatever.

the resentment the older child will inevitably feel

That's not inevitable, some kids immediately love their baby brother or sister.

I mean the fact that OP's obsession with the new baby is the reason the older child only gets to see his Dad every other weekend.

People split up 50% of the time in marriages, more so when cohabiting. It's not unusual for whatever reason. I'm sure if OP were to think of it she can think of other things in the relationship that aren't perfect and add to why she's giving any thought to leaving.

@PurpleOkapi

I think a lot of people are greatly overestimating the number of financially stable, reasonably personable single men under 50 with nothing seriously wrong with them who would jump with breakneck speed at the chance to marry and impregnate a 35-year-old with one child already. The question here shouldn't be "Is there a chance - however small - that I could find someone more to my liking and have a child with him before it's too late?" It should be "Would I be happier being single and staying that way?"

And if the answer is "Yes, my resentment of my husband is becoming toxic to me and my child" or "Yes, I'll use a sperm donor, and I'm financially capable of providing for that child on my own," that's fine, and she should do what she believes is best for herself and her child. But those of you encouraging OP to believe that Prince Charming is waiting just around the corner aren't doing her any favors.

I agree with you @PurpleOkapi . I would also add that single men under 50 are likely to have their own children so OP would also have step-children to consider plus an ex-wife.

Just to add to what @PurpleOkapi and @JustRambling have said, given OPs age and how broody she is, there's a danger she would rush into a new relationship without properly assessing the dude.

A normal timeline would be:

• 6 months (?) to finalise the divorce and move out
• 6 months to meet someone eligible (in a very optimistic scenario. Took me 2 years of OLD to meet someone in my late 20s with not kids or baggage)
• a year to introduce him to her kids
• another 6 months to move him in and start trying
• however long it takes a 38 old woman to conceive

Very slim chances for this to work out perfectly, with a decent dude who'd give her babies and be a good stepdad too.

I'm afraid she's likely to rush it and overlook red flags in men and end up choosing a wrong one. Cause if she left and had no more babies that would mean it was all for nothing.

And I cant stress enough how harsh dating is these days, even before you hit 30 and even before you have kids to consider. I really don't think a 35 year old single mom would have an easy time. Sorry if I'm being harsh, but it's just how it is.

Your wish for a second child 'consuming' you every day sounds absolutely bonkers to me when you have a six year old who needs you. I would try to get over that personally. You don't need another child, the planet doesn't need more people either and your child's security and stability come first.

So you want to break up your relationship and remove your child from their Dad so you can have a theoretical second child,

You're putting a non-existent child above the one you actually have.

Massively selfish.

Children and marriage are probably two of the biggest decisions to make in life, if you and your dp are on different pages this will cause issues, especially as the person saying 'no' has the deciding vote (if that makes sense).

I always say on these threads that his desire not to have more dc or get married doesn't trump yours to want them, so you either choose to stay and accept that you won't get these things, or you leave and hopefully find someone who will give these to you. You might not find someone, but regarding dc you have options. I've also lived with with someone who won't marry me, and it's quite hurtful and you do end up resenting that person.

"decision and I’m not prepared to trick him or push him into anything. It’s totally his own choice and whilst I do respect that it makes me unhappy. "

You can end a relationship because you are not happy.
You have one life, You should try & make it a happy one
There is no guarantee that you won't regret leaving, (but there is no guarantee he wont leave you for someone at some point either...)
You are unhappy, Living with resentment, feel you have no choice, & dont feel protected or secure.
I'd say your relationship is only sufficient for Him

@SunflowerTed

Sorry but this relationship sounds very one sided. Where is the joint decision making? This man is in control of your destiny and is withholding your dream. The longer this goes on the more resentful you will become. I get your desire to give your son a sibling and I don’t think there is anything wrong in that. You only have one life and if you want marriage and another baby then you need to have a very frank conversation before you start getting your paperwork in order!!

But deciding not to have a child can, by design, be onesided. If it had had be a joint decision, the party who didn't want one would end up having to compromise on something huge and life changing. Having one should be a joint decision. NOT having one can, and often is, a unilateral decision. Because nobody should have a child they don't want.

He doesn't have to come to some compromise, it's not something they can just sit down and hash out - he's no more withholding her dream than she would be pestering him into changing the entire life for something he doesn't want.

I really, really feel for OP - but there are so many people on this thread (and all the others like it on mumsnet) where men who don't want another child are seen as these cruel gatekeepers of women's one true happiness, but if it were the other way round and a man was upset a woman didn't want another, there'd be a chorus of LTB so loud you'd hear it in New York.

You're doing the right thing. I wish I had left earlier because it took 4 years for him to decide to have another child. Then again he doesn't want more kids and I do. It's like a constant battle he's in control of. I don't even want to have sex with him anymore. I find him repulsive because of the 'control'.

Your Dh sounds content that you’re unhappy about not being married and only having 1dc because it’s more convenient for him. I couldn’t stay with someone who prioritised their own convenience ahead of my happiness. Or potentially he isn’t fully committed to you and wants to be able to make a quick escape if / when he finds his soulmate. Either way I wouldn’t want him.

There are some absolutely frightening posts in this thread - a man not wanting another child is not 'policing a grown woman's decisions' ffs

As for the actual question, it's fine to break up the relationship for a secone child if you have a plan to explain to your son in five years that him not being enough for you is why he doesn't get to live with his dad any more. Because no matter how you put it, that's what he will take from it. Children aren't stupid.

This man is in control of your destiny

No he isn’t. You are. If you want another child leave and use a sperm donor. It is no more selfish of you to want another child than him to not want one. Someone has to compromise. But you can’t say he is controlling you- he is just putting his wants on the table.

Ultimately you already have a child. Destroying that child’s life for something you might never have is the ultimate in selfish
Oh quit with the hyperbole @HeartsAndClubs - 50% of marriages end in divorce. Divorce doesn't destroy a child's life - unhappy parents do.

And we’re not just talking about another baby here. We’re talking sending out the message to him that he’s not enough.
Nah, "we're" not talking about that.
I don't think OP is planning to sit her kid down & tell him mummy & daddy are splitting up because he's not enough.

Making him flit back and forth between houses where he will essentially be a part timer while, if you are successful, your brand new shiny baby will get to live with you full-time while he no longer does.
Or he may feel, as many kids do, that he gets to live in 2 houses, with his own special daddy who isn't the new baby's daddy.

Is it worth potentialy destroying your relationship with your existing child
This catastrophising is absurd & unhelpful. Do stop it FFS.

I have to laugh at all the posters saying how selfish it is to break up a marriage because they want another child but on countless other threads, men break up or are told to break up because they're not getting their dicks wet enough.

"Destroying that child’s life "

is what one poster suggested having separated parents would be

Get a fucking grip. There are kids all over the world being shot, their parents murdered, little girls being raped and sold into slavery. You parents separating in the UK in 2021 is NOT destroying a child's life.

OP I think you sound very conflicted and I would recommend some sessions with a well qualified therapist to explore your feelings around this some more. I personally would feel very angry that he gets to dictate whether you are married AND how many children you have ,... I don't see any compromise on his part whatsoever; and I would resent him for that