Leaving because I’d like another baby

[Mefirst86]

First ever post.
I’m considering ending my relationship because my partner doesn’t want to have any more children. We have one ds who’s 6. For various reasons having another had to be put off and then he changed his mind altogether, his reasons are valid but personal to him and not because of money or our situation etc
The thought of wanting another child and having a baby consumes me every day and I’m resentful that he is in control of that decision. I know that ending things wouldn’t mean that I would end up meeting someone and having a baby but the fact that it could be an option for me seems more appealing than having someone else decide for me and feeling incomplete. If it didn’t happen I feel that I could come to terms with that knowing that I’d tried.
We are not married but have been together 8 years and are as good as. I’d love to have that special day for me and my family but I also feel he is in control of that decision too and it will never happen so ultimately I feel like I’m sacrificing a lot and he’s not offering any sort of compromise.
Day to day things are fine and it would be very sad to end the relationship but it’s the bigger things in life that we cannot agree on. I’m 35 now so very much feel like it’s the time to accept the situation or make a change.
I’m not worried about being a single parent etc I’m more worried about explaining to my son who is a sensitive boy and the negative impact on him, I don’t want him to think he’s not loved and I need something more I just have more love to give to another child.
Not really sure what I’m asking but I don’t really have anyone to tell in real life!

@GoodnightGrandma

Good for you for taking control of your life. The resentment will eat away at you, and the relationship will end anyway. Go now and be yourself 💐

Thank you I’ve got a lot of life to live still and thinking about how things will be when we are all older has been really important. I want a life full of love and family in whatever form that takes.

Have you thought about things like custody and that you are likely to have ds for only 50% now of the time then? What about where you will live, or do you expect your partner to go along with your choice now and be the one to move out?

I’m very surprised at all the negative comments. Wanting to have a child or not is a relationship dealbreaker. I couldn’t live with so much resentment.

If you do leave and don’t meet someone, there’s always the option of doing it alone. You might be a single mum for a few years until you meet someone else.

I wouldn’t regard women who make the decision to walk away from their marriage selfish. If something is missing, why settle for less?

Children are adaptable. Your child will grow up to understand that if you’re not getting what you want/need from a relationship, you can walk away. Hell, your child might find himself in a similar situation when he’s an adult!

The resentment will grow and you may end up leaving anyway unless you can build something stronger together. A positive shared vision of what you next ten years together could bring.

And for those saying that your child may feel that they aren’t enough for their Mum, children have these thoughts when their younger siblings come into the world regardless of whether their parents are together or not.

I am aghast that you seem to be contemplating telling your child tne detail of why you would split.

Tell a 6 year old that you are moving away from his Daddy because you want to have a new baby with a different Daddy? And probably live with the new baby’s Daddy?

That is quite a significant lack of perspective IMO. To even think of telling a child such a thing.

Meanwhile your DP is not prepared to commit to marriage, and does not share your desire for another child. You don’t love him enough to want the relationship without another child, or love him enough to respect his feelings about another baby.

So it may be that the relationship is not the strongest.

Would couples counselling help?

@Rosiiiiie

I’m very surprised at all the negative comments. Wanting to have a child or not is a relationship dealbreaker. I couldn’t live with so much resentment.

If you do leave and don’t meet someone, there’s always the option of doing it alone. You might be a single mum for a few years until you meet someone else.

I wouldn’t regard women who make the decision to walk away from their marriage selfish. If something is missing, why settle for less?

Children are adaptable. Your child will grow up to understand that if you’re not getting what you want/need from a relationship, you can walk away. Hell, your child might find himself in a similar situation when he’s an adult!

To be fair most people are being realistic and just highlighting things beyond the dream of leaving to have another child and get married.

Sadly you need to leave as he's holding you back and it will become a wedge between you

What makes you so sure that you’ll find someone else, settle down (and not rush it) and then have a dc? You’re contemplating splitting from your relationship (which sounds fine in your op but I obviously don’t know) and uprooting your ds just for the possibility of having another dc who may never happen.

Your ds is around the age where he’ll clock on that you left his dad just because you wanted more dc.

To be absolutely clear: split if you need to, but not giving your child that reason.

Yes, of course all older children have feelings when a younger is born but to tell him you and him will be leaving Daddy in order for that to happen is a whole different ball game!

I would suggest you get some solo counselling and sort out what you really feel. You seem to resent your DP for having "control" in this area. If you stay then that resentment has to be dealt with.
If you go then you need to know clearly why.
And I assume you would never tell your son that it's because you wanted another child.

@TreborBore

The resentment will grow and you may end up leaving anyway unless you can build something stronger together. A positive shared vision of what you next ten years together could bring.

And for those saying that your child may feel that they aren’t enough for their Mum, children have these thoughts when their younger siblings come into the world regardless of whether their parents are together or not.

I think this is it! We don’t share a vision for the future at all At the moment our son is our shared vision for the next 10 years or so but what about after that. I feel that he would think we stayed together for him and have his own negative feelings about it.

@EdgeOfTheSky

To be absolutely clear: split if you need to, but not giving your child that reason.

Yes, of course all older children have feelings when a younger is born but to tell him you and him will be leaving Daddy in order for that to happen is a whole different ball game!

Obviously I wouldn’t do this! But what other ppl may tell him is also out of my control also

From your above responses OP I think you've made your decision, and believe that anything negative that occurs is down to the behaviour/action of others.
But as above my concern would be for your ds, should you have another child and they live with you 100% of the time and he does not.

I agree, it sounds like you could use counselling.

It also sounds like this is not the only issue and is indicative of a wider issue of you feeling like you don't have an equal share in this relationship and are not being listened to.

Maybe not couples counselling initially, as it is your feelings driving this.
Your partner, by not wanting marriage and another child is well within his rights to take that stance and for it to be respected, but ultimately he is putting his own needs above yours. This behavior can make someone on the receiving end question how important they truly are to that person.

If you really love someone, their pain brought about by my decisions might move you to make a compromise. In his shoes I might consider marriage or a child but not both as that compromise.

you believe anything above post should have.

I take it he's 100% in charge of contraception then?

Honestly, I think you're underestimating the reality of the decision.

I left my exH aged 30 because I was bloody miserable and he was EA (it was definitely toxic and brought out the worst in me too). DD was aged 3. I had no intention of entering another serious relationship whilst she was young or of having another DC.

However I met my new DP quite quickly after separating and fell completely in love. DP is fantastic with DD and doesn't have children of his own but it's still been tough at times for all of us making these transitions. I think had DP have had his own DC to blend too it would have been even harder.

My DD spends 2.5 days a week with her DF and I miss her terribly each week, even 3 years on. She was far more disrupted by the split then I anticipated (arguably due in part to her DF dealings with it) and is now much more adjusted but that took a lot of time and some sessions with a child psychologist. I spent the first year or two feeling dreadfully worried for her mental health and a lot of associated guilt.

Anyway, DP and I have decided more recently to ttc, but it appears we are unable. Partly this is very sad and upsetting, as we would both love to have a DC together. However in complete honesty there's still a part of me which worries about how the reality of this would effect DD had it happened.

What I am trying to say, is that I don't for one moment regret leaving EXH and am very happy with DP, a love I never expected to experience. Everything in my situation is as 'perfect' on paper as it could be really, but it's still been bloody tough and difficult at times. In my example there is also no guarantee of another DC, as for us it turns out that's just not happening.

I would say to anyone who is miserable in their relationship to leave, because life is short and you deserve to be happy. Adjustments are made by everyone and you muddle through, but don't underestimate how hard the reality of it is.

I love my son more than anything but I feel like there’s space it my heart to double that. He’s my priory but he won’t be little forever.

And another baby won’t be little forever either, what will you do then, have another & another?

I feel very sorry for your son that you’d break up his family because he’s not enough for you. What kind of message is that to give him?

You might not meet anyone to have another baby with, you might not be able to have another baby. Even if you go it alone with IVF it’s not guaranteed, and can you afford private treatment? You probably aren’t eligible on the NHS as you have your ds.

If you’re not happy in your relationship you can leave for whatever reason you like.

But don’t set all your hopes on walking out with the vision of just having another baby to solve everything, when that’s not something you can completely control at all.

I have to say I wouldn’t break up my existing child’s family for the sake of possibly having another child.

If you no longer love your husband, being with him makes you unhappy and attempts to fix it have failed then of course you should leave. You deserve to be happy. But if it’s primarily about a baby then I wouldn’t do it - I couldn’t deal with being away from my existing child half the time and having them go through the trauma of so much change for something that may or may not happen and which may or may not make me happy. You have a responsibility to your existing child not to make him very unhappy unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Presumably if you did separate you wouldn’t find someone else immediately and then you’d take time to get to know them, presumably quite a long time as this would be someone who’d become a big part of your child’s life, before you had a baby with them. Obviously people have babies in their late thirties and early forties but it’s not guaranteed and it’s not necessarily an easy process.

Also, you seem to be caught up in your husband getting to make the choices about marriage and a baby. I’m sure it’s frustrating but he’s not being controlling, in that situation it’s always the person who says no who should get their way, no one should be pressured into marriage or a baby. Obviously you’re perfectly entitled to want those things, ask for them, explain why and what they mean to you - but you shouldn’t think he’s controlling because he says no.

If marriage is important to you have you tried getting him to do a quick registry office job with a small/no celebration? Obviously if it’s the wedding that’s important to you that won’t do it but if you want the marriage he may be more comfortable if it’s not a big/expensive thing.

I was in the same position as you.. I regret not leaving much earlier... we ended up ending our relationship.. but only when it was too late for me to have another child...( by that stage I was too old) this is one of the biggest regrets of my life

I also have a DH who refused to have another child with me. I didn’t leave him for it, but I think about it often, and it’s part of the resentment that means we are basically house buddies now.

I’m definitely going to look into counselling for myself. Thanks for the suggestions and to those who have given their experiences about leaving, I probably haven’t thought about the practical issues as much as I should do, my thoughts are very much in the longer term than the immediate impact I guess.

It’s not about wanting a huge expensive wedding I think it’s probably the overall commitment to our life together whatever it may bring.
I’m fully accepting I might not meet anyone else either and I know life doesn’t always turn out how you think it will so yes it’s a huge risk in many ways, I don’t think there is a right or wrong decision I think it’s just being able to own the choice you make

What women have done since time began, in this situation, is get pregnant and see where the cards lay. It's a gamble but a good one and irl it normally works out well. I know plenty of women who did it as did I. Men like sex and have know instinctively since loosing their virginity that it can lead to pregnancy. Accidental pregnancy happens ALL THE TIME. Have you never wondered how? Even 'Friends' covers it.
I assume youre still have piv sex?

Or get a sperm donation but then your kids have different fathers (no judgement from me - mine do, but its complicated and pp do judge) and its more of a gamble. More likely to end up as single mum this way, nothing wrong with being single mum. Often pp do stay with their bloke though.

Option 3. Beware of online dating. Anyone's chances of finding someone, getting married and having child in your timescale as a single mum, are far riskier than above options and this is by v v far the riskiest gamble.

You are sacrificing your son's interests over your desire to have another baby. If you said you are unhappy in your relationship apart from his refusal to have another child it would be different.