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Original poster

Putting ex on birth certificate and using his last name. Advice please?

151 replies

FTM1996 · 18/10/2021 10:22

Hi MN,
I am due to register my little one TODAY and I’m in a dilemma. Me and the father are not together and failing miserably at co parenting. Long story short, we haven’t known each other long, we pretty much met and I fell pregnant while on the pill. It was a massive shock but he promised the me the world and has just let me down consistently. Without going into all the details of what he’s done, I believe he’s a narcissist, he dumped me and took me back repeatedly which messed with my head and ruined my pregnancy. I finally got the courage to split with him a few weeks ago and asked if we could co-parent, just be friends. I thought because of how badly he was treating me, he’d accept it and be happy for me to leave him. However he’s made it difficult because he hasn’t accepted my decision. Recently he pressured me so much I nearly gave in and said we’d be a family just for the peace. He’s given me money here and there but nothing consistent. I know co parenting is difficult with a baby as I want to be with baby all the time and it’s only early days as baby is only little but I don’t know where to go from here. We originally said baby will take his last name but since I have split with him and said we will just co parent, I have leaned more towards wanting baby to have my name. I’ve looked after him pretty much alone except a few times he’s been up to help. I told him and he’s demanding baby has his name as he’s old fashioned and that’s what you do.. I had no problem with baby taking his last name but I don’t want him to give me problems further down the line.
My friends tell me to run for the hills and block him for good, they’ve seen what he did to me etc. So I need an outsider opinion. There’s been no violence but he’s shouted plenty and insulted me plenty. He says things in anger then says sorry. He’s an OK Dad when he’s around baby. I just want him to be consistent and not give me shit. What should I do?

OP posts:
pianolessons1 · 18/10/2021 10:23

No no no. Baby has your name and he doesn't go on birth cert

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 18/10/2021 10:24

@pianolessons1

No no no. Baby has your name and he doesn't go on birth cert
This
BudgeSquare · 18/10/2021 10:25

If you're not married you can't put him on the birth certificate unless he is there in person.

Also, don't.

And give the baby your name. You are its mother and I guarantee you will be the primary, if not only, parent

Caramellatteplease · 18/10/2021 10:27

Register baby solo. You cannot put dads name on the birth certificate without him there.

Do not whatever you do any any circumstances give baby his last name

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 18/10/2021 10:27

Why are you even questioning this?

What will you gain from having the ex on the certificate, and your baby having a different name to you?

If your ex wants to be a decent parent he can still do that without being on the certificate.

Noworneverever · 18/10/2021 10:28

Old fashioned enough to want the baby to have his name, but not old fashioned enough to do the right thing by you and the baby.
If he really wants the name you can change name in a few years when he's put in a lot of work to change the way he treats you and make amends. Til then your name.

Pompom2367 · 18/10/2021 10:29

If your concerned for the child's safety long term keep him off

BudgeSquare · 18/10/2021 10:29

@Noworneverever

Old fashioned enough to want the baby to have his name, but not old fashioned enough to do the right thing by you and the baby. If he really wants the name you can change name in a few years when he's put in a lot of work to change the way he treats you and make amends. Til then your name.
If he really wants the same name as his child and the child's mother, he can change his own name.
BrilliantBetty · 18/10/2021 10:29

Your surname only.

You will not regret it.

You would MASSIVELY regret giving LO his. No question.

If he goes with you he can be named as father, if not he won't be (which is probably better anyway).

MultiStorey · 18/10/2021 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monpetitpoisson · 18/10/2021 10:32

It’s actually tradition for baby to have the mother’s surname if unmarried- so tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it

pinkyredrose · 18/10/2021 10:32

Why the fuck would you even condsider giving the baby his name? Don't put him on the birth certificate, it'll give him parental rights.

SoupDragon · 18/10/2021 10:32

Given his behaviour, your surname only and him not on the birth certificate. He would get PR anyway if he sought them but there's no point making it easy.

Munchkinpumpkin · 18/10/2021 10:33

I dont agree personally, he is the father whether anyone likes it or not so he has rights to be legally known as the father.. its not something he has to work for. He is the father. Surname is not necessary.

Teamonkey123 · 18/10/2021 10:33

I agree with all the pp, I was in a similar situation to you and my son ( now 20) ended up having three name changes before he was 10. I regretted putting his father on the birth certificate as soon as I 'd done it. You are more than enough fir your baby so give them your name x

meadowbleu · 18/10/2021 10:33

Your baby’s registration name is most likely for the duration of his life.
The father may, or might not be around, but you will always be the mother. That tells you what you need to know.

Hattie765 · 18/10/2021 10:33

Don't give him your exs name, it'll cause you problems for years. You're the main caregiver, you'll want the same name xx

JudgementalCactus · 18/10/2021 10:34

Put him on the birth certificate and he has equal access and rights to the baby. He can remove the baby from your house and refuse to return them and the police will do absolutely nothing to help you, because equal rights.

He can make medical decision for your baby, because equal rights.

He can make education decisions for your kid, because equal rights.

He can take the baby on trips without your permission, as long as they don't leave the country, because equal rights.

Unless you trust him 100% not to be a malitious douchebag, don't do it. It could end up in a nightmare for you in so many ways.

Remember narcissist are vindictive bastards and you don't know what he's capable off when you cross him in any way.

Please be smart!

AdaColeman · 18/10/2021 10:34

If you are not married, he can only go on the birth certificate if he attends the registration in person, so that answers your question.

If later, he wants to go on the birth certificate he can apply to do so, but he may never bother to do that.

That he isn’t on the birth certificate doesn’t prevent you from claiming maintenance for the child from him.

doodleygirl · 18/10/2021 10:34

Why would you consider giving your baby a name that belongs to such an excuse for a man.

You carried and nurtured this baby and you now want to be known someone with a different name to your child, just madness.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/10/2021 10:35

If he really wants the same name as his child and the child's mother, he can change his own name.

Grin Love it.

UseTheRakeDear · 18/10/2021 10:35

Please do not put his name on that birth certificate or have his last name for your baby.

That baby doesn't need that waster's surname, she needs yours, her Mother's, the one who will be in her life always.

If at a later date you ever wanted to change your child's surname and it is his from birth, this will not be allowed by the courts. So give your child yours and if in future you change your surname you can change your child's too but only if you give her your surname.

Aprilx · 18/10/2021 10:35

I also do not understand why this is a dilemma. It is patently obvious what you need to do. The baby gets your name, yes it may cause annoying issues to have different names, maybe no more than inconveniences but why would you even do that to yourself.

I normally don’t like missing the father off the birth certificate as I think I don’t think I would have liked to have gone through life with “father unknown” on my birth certificate. But he sounds like he might make life difficult for you, so I would be tempted to not hand him parental responsibility.

GoodnightGrandma · 18/10/2021 10:35

Don’t do it !!!
Give the baby the names you chose, and your surname.

Finals1234 · 18/10/2021 10:35

@pianolessons1

No no no. Baby has your name and he doesn't go on birth cert
This, this, this!!!