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Original poster

Putting ex on birth certificate and using his last name. Advice please?

151 replies

FTM1996 · 18/10/2021 10:22

Hi MN,
I am due to register my little one TODAY and I’m in a dilemma. Me and the father are not together and failing miserably at co parenting. Long story short, we haven’t known each other long, we pretty much met and I fell pregnant while on the pill. It was a massive shock but he promised the me the world and has just let me down consistently. Without going into all the details of what he’s done, I believe he’s a narcissist, he dumped me and took me back repeatedly which messed with my head and ruined my pregnancy. I finally got the courage to split with him a few weeks ago and asked if we could co-parent, just be friends. I thought because of how badly he was treating me, he’d accept it and be happy for me to leave him. However he’s made it difficult because he hasn’t accepted my decision. Recently he pressured me so much I nearly gave in and said we’d be a family just for the peace. He’s given me money here and there but nothing consistent. I know co parenting is difficult with a baby as I want to be with baby all the time and it’s only early days as baby is only little but I don’t know where to go from here. We originally said baby will take his last name but since I have split with him and said we will just co parent, I have leaned more towards wanting baby to have my name. I’ve looked after him pretty much alone except a few times he’s been up to help. I told him and he’s demanding baby has his name as he’s old fashioned and that’s what you do.. I had no problem with baby taking his last name but I don’t want him to give me problems further down the line.
My friends tell me to run for the hills and block him for good, they’ve seen what he did to me etc. So I need an outsider opinion. There’s been no violence but he’s shouted plenty and insulted me plenty. He says things in anger then says sorry. He’s an OK Dad when he’s around baby. I just want him to be consistent and not give me shit. What should I do?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 18/10/2021 17:53

@toocold54

You have a very low bar for what "been there" means! She said he's given her money inconsistently and that she has looked after the baby alone except for a "few times" when he's been up to help.

So your answer to that would be to punish the child by not putting it’s biological fathers name on it’s own BC.

How is that punishing the child?
SoupDragon · 18/10/2021 17:57

And do you really think the father has "been there"?

toocold54 · 18/10/2021 17:58

She can still tell the child who his father is though. She’s not proposing to keep it a secret, is she?

It’s the child’s document not the mums or dads, so the mum choosing to not put the dad on it just because they don’t get on is very unfair to the baby caught in the middle of it all.
It’s a legal document and if the dad is known (and willing to turn up) then his name should be on there instead of ‘unknown’.

dementedpixie · 18/10/2021 18:05

@toocold54

She can still tell the child who his father is though. She’s not proposing to keep it a secret, is she?

It’s the child’s document not the mums or dads, so the mum choosing to not put the dad on it just because they don’t get on is very unfair to the baby caught in the middle of it all.
It’s a legal document and if the dad is known (and willing to turn up) then his name should be on there instead of ‘unknown’.

I'm sure it's left blank rather than saying unknown It can be added later if required. She's not choosing to miss it out if he doesn't go with her to the appointment.
JudgementalCactus · 18/10/2021 18:08

@toocold54

She can still tell the child who his father is though. She’s not proposing to keep it a secret, is she?

It’s the child’s document not the mums or dads, so the mum choosing to not put the dad on it just because they don’t get on is very unfair to the baby caught in the middle of it all.
It’s a legal document and if the dad is known (and willing to turn up) then his name should be on there instead of ‘unknown’.

How do you feel about the hypothetical situation in which a father who has been largely absent for a baby's first year suddenly wants access to the kid and removes it from the mother's house against her wishes? Which is perfectly legal if he's named on the BC. And the police won't get involved to help her.

Sounds like a potential nightmare worth preventing to me.

MollyButton · 18/10/2021 18:13

The mother can leave all kinds of written information about the Dad for the child. If the father is cajoled into turning up just to be recorded he can be all kinds of awkward later.
When I was 13 we had to hunt my absent father down (they had been married) just to get permission so I could go on a school trip to France.
If they want to make mischief they can interfere in all kinds of decisions such as schools.
If a father wants to be involved he can go to court and get the rights, that he would automatically get from the birth certificate. At least then he has proved he will put some effort in.

It is a legal document not just a nice record for the child.

SoupDragon · 18/10/2021 18:19

It’s the child’s document not the mums or dads

And what if the child doesn't want a largely absent father having a say in their life?

SoupDragon · 18/10/2021 18:26

On these sort of threads I am usually in favour of the baby having both surnames and the father being on the birth certificate. Where the father has shown he is likely to be obstructive or absent (like here), then no.

HouseOfFire · 18/10/2021 18:26

@WowThatsALot

I'm another Your baby, your name
And me
Pea22ches · 18/10/2021 18:32

@SoupDragon

It’s the child’s document not the mums or dads

And what if the child doesn't want a largely absent father having a say in their life?

This comment is OTT. The father is absent now but it doesn't mean that will be the case for the next 18 years. Some comments are a bitter as hell. That IF is unknown.
Pinkspecs · 18/10/2021 18:37

Speaking from experience I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate or give him the last name.

toocold54 · 18/10/2021 18:40

I'm sure it's left blank rather than saying unknown
It can be added later if required. She's not choosing to miss it out if he doesn't go with her to the appointment.

I agree, if he chooses to not go to the appointment then he doesn’t go on the BC. That’s what happened with my child’s dad and even though I gave his name they had to put ‘unknown’ as he wasn’t there. I would have liked for my child’s sake to have both parents names on her BC like I do.

I think certain things should be a legal requirement like being on the BC and paying maintenance.

90% of the OPs post is about her and her ex’s relationship and issues.
Yes he doesn’t sound like the best dad in the world but the baby is only a few weeks old and OP has said herself that they are struggling to co-parent, she wants the baby with her all the time etc so I think emotions need to be taken out of it and just do what is best for the child.

Finknottlesnewt · 18/10/2021 18:48

Actually it makes little difference if he is at all savvy. For all those who believe not putting the fathers name on the certificate will be a way of thwarting his parental rights then think again. !!

It is a VERY simple process to apply for PR. You don't need a solicitor you simply apply to the court and pay the court £232

The court will then ask you if he is the father. This is a question of fact. You can say yes or no. I wouldn't bother lying to the court if you know the answer . But if you do. They will order a dna and if he is shown to be the father will almost always be granted the order.

Please don't think that not putting the name on the certificate will prevent a man from having parental responsibility with all that entails. If is a very small hurdle for a determined man.

The only way to be sure to keep a man you consider unsuitable as a father away from your child - is not to have kids with someone until you are sure if their character.

HouseOfFire · 18/10/2021 18:56

@Finknottlesnewt

Actually it makes little difference if he is at all savvy. For all those who believe not putting the fathers name on the certificate will be a way of thwarting his parental rights then think again. !!

It is a VERY simple process to apply for PR. You don't need a solicitor you simply apply to the court and pay the court £232

The court will then ask you if he is the father. This is a question of fact. You can say yes or no. I wouldn't bother lying to the court if you know the answer . But if you do. They will order a dna and if he is shown to be the father will almost always be granted the order.

Please don't think that not putting the name on the certificate will prevent a man from having parental responsibility with all that entails. If is a very small hurdle for a determined man.

The only way to be sure to keep a man you consider unsuitable as a father away from your child - is not to have kids with someone until you are sure if their character.

It is a VERY simple process to apply for PR. You don't need a solicitor you simply apply to the court and pay the court £232

but if he is a flaky arsehole like we suspect, £232 will be too much for him

category12 · 18/10/2021 19:06

But why simply give him power?

Sure, he can apply for PR if he wants to, and that's fair enough if he's interested enough to.

If he can't be arsed, then it saves OP the possible legal obstructions he might otherwise throw in.

JudgementalCactus · 18/10/2021 19:19

You're not going to answer my question, are you @toocold54?

toocold54 · 18/10/2021 19:55

@JudgementalCactus sorry what was your question I missed it?

JudgementalCactus · 18/10/2021 19:56

[quote toocold54]@JudgementalCactus sorry what was your question I missed it?[/quote]
How do you feel about the hypothetical situation in which a father who has been largely absent for a baby's first year suddenly wants access to the kid and removes it from the mother's house against her wishes? Which is perfectly legal if he's named on the BC. And the police won't get involved to help her.

toocold54 · 18/10/2021 20:13

How do you feel about the hypothetical situation in which a father who has been largely absent for a baby's first year suddenly wants access to the kid and removes it from the mother's house against her wishes? Which is perfectly legal if he's named on the BC. And the police won't get involved to help her.

That’s completely irrelevant because it’s a made up situation.
That’s like OP saying she never wants him to have any contact incase it turns out he’s a peadophile.
Of course it could happen but it’s highly unlikely and shouldn’t be used as an excuse to keep him off the BC unless OP has real concerns which in her post hasn’t said anything like that.

Clymene · 18/10/2021 20:37

I believe he’s a narcissist, he dumped me and took me back repeatedly which messed with my head and ruined my pregnancy.* He’s given me money here and there but nothing consistent. There’s been no violence but he’s shouted plenty and insulted me plenty. He says things in anger then says sorry.*

Yeah he sounds like a prince among men. Hmm

MollyButton · 18/10/2021 23:02

"The father is absent now but it doesn't mean that will be the case for the next 18 years. Some comments are a bitter as hell. "

If he wants to be involved then he makes some effort and goes to court.
If he can't do that much and continues to be absent not being on the birth certificate can make things easier for both the mother and child,
I wouldn't have wanted to miss a school trip because we couldn't find my father to get permission or didn't have time or money to go to court.

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/10/2021 23:36

That’s completely irrelevant because it’s a made up situation

🙄

It's pretty clear from the ops opening post the individual in question likes to play control games with her.

Nipping a likely potential outcome in the bud imo is wiser than seeing the red flag bunting flapping in the breeze and carrying on regardless with no protection in place.

RevolvingPivot · 18/10/2021 23:43

@Monpetitpoisson

It’s actually tradition for baby to have the mother’s surname if unmarried- so tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it
Oh really I didn't know that. Dds have their dads name.
category12 · 19/10/2021 07:15

If he wants to be involved then he makes some effort and goes to court.

Yes. Plus not having PR from the get-go doesn't prevent him from being involved with his child if he wants to be - it just stops him from being able to put a spoke in as easily.

I really don't know why women are expected to do the risky thing, the thing that puts them at the whim of the father, for no sensible reason.

SunshineCake1 · 19/10/2021 07:21

Register baby without him and give baby your surname 100%.

My parents weren't married, my father is not in my birth certificate but yet I had his surname on it. For years it really meant something to have his name as I had nothing else from him. Saw him very little and I don't think ever by the time I was two. It makes me sad I put so much store by it as he was not a dad in any way to me.

Just giving a different angle but I still 100% think your name, him not on the certificate.