Putting ex on birth certificate and using his last name. Advice please?

[FTM1996]

Hi MN,
I am due to register my little one TODAY and I’m in a dilemma. Me and the father are not together and failing miserably at co parenting. Long story short, we haven’t known each other long, we pretty much met and I fell pregnant while on the pill. It was a massive shock but he promised the me the world and has just let me down consistently. Without going into all the details of what he’s done, I believe he’s a narcissist, he dumped me and took me back repeatedly which messed with my head and ruined my pregnancy. I finally got the courage to split with him a few weeks ago and asked if we could co-parent, just be friends. I thought because of how badly he was treating me, he’d accept it and be happy for me to leave him. However he’s made it difficult because he hasn’t accepted my decision. Recently he pressured me so much I nearly gave in and said we’d be a family just for the peace. He’s given me money here and there but nothing consistent. I know co parenting is difficult with a baby as I want to be with baby all the time and it’s only early days as baby is only little but I don’t know where to go from here. We originally said baby will take his last name but since I have split with him and said we will just co parent, I have leaned more towards wanting baby to have my name. I’ve looked after him pretty much alone except a few times he’s been up to help. I told him and he’s demanding baby has his name as he’s old fashioned and that’s what you do.. I had no problem with baby taking his last name but I don’t want him to give me problems further down the line.
My friends tell me to run for the hills and block him for good, they’ve seen what he did to me etc. So I need an outsider opinion. There’s been no violence but he’s shouted plenty and insulted me plenty. He says things in anger then says sorry. He’s an OK Dad when he’s around baby. I just want him to be consistent and not give me shit. What should I do?

Whatever you want to do, do. Ignore him.
I put my ex on the birth certificate and gave DS his last name for two reasons. 1- DS’s name sounds better with his last name. 2- I already am part of a blended family and don’t have the same surname as the rest of my family, and don’t view surnames as massively important.

My son is coming up for 2 and it’s caused no problems so far, so I think previous posters are going a bit over the top to claim you’d “massively regret it”, but ultimately it’s up to you.

Go alone to register the birth.

Put your name as surname.

Do not add him on the birth certificate at all.

If, further down the line, he proves a reliable co-parent and father then you can discuss it.

Do nothing right now that you could regret for the next 2 decades.

I wouldn’t put him on the BC. I put my ex on and he is absent now, has been for pretty much 5 years, yet he has “PR” over my daughter a child he doesn’t even see and that can not be changed.

It's not "what you do", it's what HE WANTS you to do.
Say no. Children should have their mother's name.

Always your name. It's you and the baby now. He's not going to be there for the baby. He's already shown you this.

If you give the baby his name, you would have to go to court if you changed your mind and the judge would probably say that it is in the best interests of the child to keep their birth name.

Also, it is traditional for women who are not married to give the baby the mother's name,

Give your baby your surname. You are your baby's family. It is much easier to have the same surname for a whole host of things... doctors registration, school, travel and more simply, the Smiths at number 5. If you had been a family with this man before ... things might be different but they are not.

His name on the birth certificate is more tricky.. there is an argument for saying that your son should know who his father is and his birth certificate belongs to him.

Back in the real world where women are controlled by the father of their children who flex their paternity rights when they feel like it and don't act as decent parents the rest of the time.. . there is a strong argument that says do not tie yourself to this man.

Unless he turns up to the appointment he can't be registered on the baby's birth certificate today as you aren't married.

As he can't be bothered to turn up today then your child gets your last name.

If he later decides to go to Court to get Parental Responsibility, pays maintenance without a fuss, and sorts out contact with you (with or without going to Court) then he can be put on the birth certificate and request for your child's last name to be double-barrelled. However it is up to him to lead on this not you.

Give your baby your name and don't tell him when you're registering your baby's birth.

You haven't known each other very and are failing at co parenting. I didn't read any further. Do not put this man on the birth certificate

Echo everyone else. Your surname only otherwise you’ll be setting yourself up for years of aggro with someone as flaky and domineering as this.

The "old fashioned" thing was always the baby had the mothers surname, if it was the same as the fathers, that's because the parents were married and the mother had changed her name. There is very old legislation in place to easily change a child's surname to the father's surname after the parents marry purely because the normal, traditional thing was children had mothers surname, and would only take the fathers if he married the child's mother and she changed her name.

So dump that idea. It will be easier if your child has your surname. You can't put him on the birth certificate if hes not there at registration, but he can go back and be added later on. (Believe you have until the baby's first birthday.) You can wait to see if hes actually a decent dad.

Put a claim in for maintenance, hes not going to volunteer it regularly.

I'm another
Your baby, your name

PLEASE for the love of god give the baby your surname. It can always be changed, double barrelled, whatever, but if you give baby his surname that will be it forever and he doesn't sound the type to agree to changing it back to yours in future.

Please don't give the baby his father's surname. You and your child are a family and at present your ex is not part of the family. It will just add complications to life that are not needed. It has never been traditional for babies of unmarried parents to have their father's last name even when they live together so no need to confuse matters.
I feel uncomfortable about him not being on the birth certificate as 'father' is not 'unknown' but I suppose that comes down to how much you trust him and to whether going to the. Registry office together is something you want to do.
By the way, his is not a GREAT Dad or he wouldn't treat his child's mother in the way that he does.

The "old fashioned" thing was always the baby had the mothers surname

Completely agree with this tradition. Definitely give your child your name.

The chances of him dicking you round on a registration appointment seem pretty high, so I'd just go alone. As you aren't married, you can't put him on.

But you can add him later, once you know whether it's good idea, when things have settled down a little more.

@Mumoblue, if your ex is reasonable that's fine BUT if he's not it's will cause endless legal issues.

Op,if he has parental responsibility, from being on the birth certificate, he could fight for residency, he can stop you moving, he can stop your child attending a school that suits your childcare, he can stop you taking holidays for longer than 2 weeks. These are real life examples of what a vindictive parent can do to the other.

Be aware you are conditioned by him to put his needs ahead of yours and the baby. Today you change that.

I was married to a narcissist and the ramifications are long lasting as I have dc with him. His needs dominate, and he has dragged me and dc to court because he can. He hasn't won but the stress is enormous and has a major financial impacts for me..he is a high earner so money less of a concern.

If he was that old fashioned he’d of married you 🙄 when you got pg.

I wouldn’t let him on the certificate, you won’t see him for dust either way.

old fashioned my arse lol. More like controlling narcissist.

Agree with everyone else, your name and don't put him on the certificate.

This is a no brainer. Give the baby your surname.

My understanding is that if he is named it gives him automatic rights which by the sounds of it will only cause problems.

You're not married, the baby quite reasonably can have your surname. It wouldn't stop a decent father having a relationship with the child, being proactive and being financially supportive.

Child can always change its name by deed poll later on if the relationship is strong and the child wants to include the Dad's name.

Register your baby on your own and do not name the father.

Give the baby YOUR surname.

As a single parent, having the same surname as your child is going to make both yours and the child's life easier.

Op
DO NOT Give your baby his name.
absolute madness.

@FTM1996.. read @Fireflygal's post again and again.. and don't underestimate the impact that it will have on your child. Yes, his primary bond will.be with you and you can do a HUGE amount to shield him from all of that... and many many people grow up in these circumstances and go on to have fulfilled balanced lives but it is not without impact.

Please give the baby your last name, whatever you do

If you give the baby his surname, you will be Olivia Hisname's mother and people will call you Mrs Hisname.

If you end up having another baby, the baby would have your or his/her father's surname

etc

If you go abroad, you would need the father's permission if he is named.
Travelling is easier if you and the child have the same name