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Original poster

Putting ex on birth certificate and using his last name. Advice please?

151 replies

FTM1996 · 18/10/2021 10:22

Hi MN,
I am due to register my little one TODAY and I’m in a dilemma. Me and the father are not together and failing miserably at co parenting. Long story short, we haven’t known each other long, we pretty much met and I fell pregnant while on the pill. It was a massive shock but he promised the me the world and has just let me down consistently. Without going into all the details of what he’s done, I believe he’s a narcissist, he dumped me and took me back repeatedly which messed with my head and ruined my pregnancy. I finally got the courage to split with him a few weeks ago and asked if we could co-parent, just be friends. I thought because of how badly he was treating me, he’d accept it and be happy for me to leave him. However he’s made it difficult because he hasn’t accepted my decision. Recently he pressured me so much I nearly gave in and said we’d be a family just for the peace. He’s given me money here and there but nothing consistent. I know co parenting is difficult with a baby as I want to be with baby all the time and it’s only early days as baby is only little but I don’t know where to go from here. We originally said baby will take his last name but since I have split with him and said we will just co parent, I have leaned more towards wanting baby to have my name. I’ve looked after him pretty much alone except a few times he’s been up to help. I told him and he’s demanding baby has his name as he’s old fashioned and that’s what you do.. I had no problem with baby taking his last name but I don’t want him to give me problems further down the line.
My friends tell me to run for the hills and block him for good, they’ve seen what he did to me etc. So I need an outsider opinion. There’s been no violence but he’s shouted plenty and insulted me plenty. He says things in anger then says sorry. He’s an OK Dad when he’s around baby. I just want him to be consistent and not give me shit. What should I do?

OP posts:
Greenmarmalade · 18/10/2021 16:13

Don’t do it!!!!!

Lemonopolis1 · 18/10/2021 16:19

@RedMarauder
I never suggested for a minute he couldn't do this himself. I'm aware he can and I have known men to do so too. Hense my point that it's only denying him parental rights until he was to do so.

Disfordarkchocolate · 18/10/2021 16:28

You name choice and register the baby yourself.

He can go to the time and trouble to have his name added if he wants but he cannot dictate the surname.

Stay strong, your baby needs consistency and only you are providing that.

Thatsplentyjack · 18/10/2021 16:32

Why on earth would you give the baby his name? Genuine question.

Why is the father default no matter how much of a fuckwit he is?

The is no more his that yours, infact he's batley seen the baby so why would you give your child a strangers name?

romany4 · 18/10/2021 16:33

He's demanding baby has his name as he's old fashioned and that's what you do

He can demand all he wants. He can also fuck off.
Give the baby your name. Dont put him on the birth certificate. I doubt very much he'll even be interested in your little one in a few months.
This happened to my sister. He was abusive and controlling. When she gave birth he demanded she put him on the birth certificate and give the baby his name. She did as she was afraid of him. He disappeared when the baby was 2 weeks old and never paid a penny in maintenance. She's never heard from him since. Baby is now 24. Changed their name to their mothers when they were 12.

Mommabear20 · 18/10/2021 16:36

Baby deserves both parents on their birth certificate. Last name is up to you as baby can change later if wanted but certificate is a legal document and baby has a right to have it f full.

dementedpixie · 18/10/2021 16:39

@Mommabear20

Baby deserves both parents on their birth certificate. Last name is up to you as baby can change later if wanted but certificate is a legal document and baby has a right to have it f full.
He can't go on it if he doesn't go to the appointment as they aren't married. Doesn't sound like he deserves to be on it tbh
Mommabear20 · 18/10/2021 16:41

@dementedpixie personally it's not to do with whether he deserves it, but the baby does.

Mumoblue · 18/10/2021 16:41

@Fireflygal

Yeah I realised after I posted this that I was actually still WITH my ex when we registered the baby! Blush Gonna put that down to mum-brain. Luckily for me he hasn’t caused any problems about the last name, though I don’t know if that’s because he doesn’t realise he could. Confused

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/10/2021 16:42

@JudgementalCactus was absolutely spot on with her info.

I really hope you were sensible enough to make the right decision.

The fact you're still expecting reasonable or rational behaviour from this man worries me, and makes me think you're not considering the future implications of putting him on, and giving the child his surname.

Pea22ches · 18/10/2021 16:43

@Mommabear20

Baby deserves both parents on their birth certificate. Last name is up to you as baby can change later if wanted but certificate is a legal document and baby has a right to have it f full.
Exactly. OP needs to call CMS while she's at it to ensure she gets regular payments.
RedMarauder · 18/10/2021 16:44

[quote Lemonopolis1]@RedMarauder
I never suggested for a minute he couldn't do this himself. I'm aware he can and I have known men to do so too. Hense my point that it's only denying him parental rights until he was to do so.[/quote]
Most men don't though.

Instead they whine about how they aren't on their child's birth certificate even when they are given detailed instructions by others how to do it.

JudgementalCactus · 18/10/2021 16:45

[quote Mommabear20]@dementedpixie personally it's not to do with whether he deserves it, but the baby does. [/quote]
The baby deserves to potentially be used as a weapon by a vindictive nasty father? He's not trustworthy. Why should OP just hand him equal rights over the baby? What if he takes baby and refuses to return them just to punish OP?

"The baby deserves it" is all fine and dandy in fantasy land where all dads are standup guys.

ittakes2 · 18/10/2021 16:47

I agree - give baby your last name. For some kids when their mums remarry they then become the only child in a family with a different surname. If he has your surname you can choose to keep your surname if you want to if you marry or double barrel it.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 18/10/2021 16:52

he’s demanding baby has his name as he’s old fashioned and that’s what you do

If you're old fashioned then "what you do" when an unmarried woman has a baby is give it HER surname. What a douche he is.

Tirediam · 18/10/2021 16:54

Hope all is well OP

toocold54 · 18/10/2021 17:08

Put him on the BC - regardless of your relationship with each other the baby is as much his as yours.

I personally wouldn’t use his surname if you are the RP as it just makes things more difficult as you’ll be the one registering for doctors, passports etc.

dementedpixie · 18/10/2021 17:14

@toocold54

Put him on the BC - regardless of your relationship with each other the baby is as much his as yours.

I personally wouldn’t use his surname if you are the RP as it just makes things more difficult as you’ll be the one registering for doctors, passports etc.

She CAN'T put him on the BC if he isn't there
JudgementalCactus · 18/10/2021 17:18

@toocold54

Put him on the BC - regardless of your relationship with each other the baby is as much his as yours.

I personally wouldn’t use his surname if you are the RP as it just makes things more difficult as you’ll be the one registering for doctors, passports etc.

The baby is not as much his as hers. She is literally baking the kid in her body. Bearing all the hardship that entails.

His contribution to the baby so far has been sperm donation and the couple pounds here in there. And spewing abuse to the mother.

If he wants to step un and parent he can get himself on the BC later on.

toocold54 · 18/10/2021 17:19

She CAN'T put him on the BC if he isn't there

Where has OP said he won’t be there? I must have missed it.

toocold54 · 18/10/2021 17:22

His contribution to the baby so far has been sperm donation and the couple pounds here in there. And spewing abuse to the mother.

OP hasn’t said he is a bad dad and has said he has been there.
OP and his relationship needs to be separate to his and the baby’s relationship.

The BC is a legal document not something that should be used as a weapon because mum and dad don’t get on.
If he’s not on it it will say ‘unknown’ which is completely unfair to the baby especially if he chooses to not be involved.

SoupDragon · 18/10/2021 17:27

OP hasn’t said he is a bad dad and has said he has been there.

You have a very low bar for what "been there" means! She said he's given her money inconsistently and that she has looked after the baby alone except for a "few times" when he's been up to help.

JudgementalCactus · 18/10/2021 17:28

@toocold54

His contribution to the baby so far has been sperm donation and the couple pounds here in there. And spewing abuse to the mother.

OP hasn’t said he is a bad dad and has said he has been there.
OP and his relationship needs to be separate to his and the baby’s relationship.

The BC is a legal document not something that should be used as a weapon because mum and dad don’t get on.
If he’s not on it it will say ‘unknown’ which is completely unfair to the baby especially if he chooses to not be involved.

*He’s given me money here and there but nothing consistent.

I’ve looked after him pretty much alone except a few times he’s been up to help.

There’s been no violence but he’s shouted plenty and insulted me plenty. He says things in anger then says sorry. He’s an OK Dad when he’s around baby. I just want him to be consistent and not give me shit*

In my book that is neither "being a good dad" nor "being there".

It's easy to be an ok daddy when you only see your baby for a couple hours here and there and only throw a couple pounds at the mother.

toocold54 · 18/10/2021 17:34

You have a very low bar for what "been there" means! She said he's given her money inconsistently and that she has looked after the baby alone except for a "few times" when he's been up to help.

So your answer to that would be to punish the child by not putting it’s biological fathers name on it’s own BC.

piglet81 · 18/10/2021 17:50

@toocold54

You have a very low bar for what "been there" means! She said he's given her money inconsistently and that she has looked after the baby alone except for a "few times" when he's been up to help.

So your answer to that would be to punish the child by not putting it’s biological fathers name on it’s own BC.

She can still tell the child who his father is though. She’s not proposing to keep it a secret, is she?