Putting ex on birth certificate and using his last name. Advice please?

[FTM1996]

Hi MN,
I am due to register my little one TODAY and I’m in a dilemma. Me and the father are not together and failing miserably at co parenting. Long story short, we haven’t known each other long, we pretty much met and I fell pregnant while on the pill. It was a massive shock but he promised the me the world and has just let me down consistently. Without going into all the details of what he’s done, I believe he’s a narcissist, he dumped me and took me back repeatedly which messed with my head and ruined my pregnancy. I finally got the courage to split with him a few weeks ago and asked if we could co-parent, just be friends. I thought because of how badly he was treating me, he’d accept it and be happy for me to leave him. However he’s made it difficult because he hasn’t accepted my decision. Recently he pressured me so much I nearly gave in and said we’d be a family just for the peace. He’s given me money here and there but nothing consistent. I know co parenting is difficult with a baby as I want to be with baby all the time and it’s only early days as baby is only little but I don’t know where to go from here. We originally said baby will take his last name but since I have split with him and said we will just co parent, I have leaned more towards wanting baby to have my name. I’ve looked after him pretty much alone except a few times he’s been up to help. I told him and he’s demanding baby has his name as he’s old fashioned and that’s what you do.. I had no problem with baby taking his last name but I don’t want him to give me problems further down the line.
My friends tell me to run for the hills and block him for good, they’ve seen what he did to me etc. So I need an outsider opinion. There’s been no violence but he’s shouted plenty and insulted me plenty. He says things in anger then says sorry. He’s an OK Dad when he’s around baby. I just want him to be consistent and not give me shit. What should I do?

Don't do it! You'll need his approval any time you want to take your child abroad. And for the same reason don't put him on the birth certificate.

@BillMasen

He’s the father, he should be on the certificate. Just because a relationship broke down doesn’t negate that.

The bc is not a weapon

No, not the child might end up being one...

I wouldn't give the baby the ex's surname. You want the baby to have the same surname as you. I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate either.

Baby should have your name
An old fashioned man would be around all the time and would be paying 50 percent of baby’s costs
He’s not remotely old fashioned.

Congratulations on your LO

@DumplingsAndStew

It always disgusts me how many people on MN suggest not putting a fathers details on a birth certificate. You know who the father is, your child deserves to know that.

As for the name, if you're not in agreement, put your name. It can be changed at a future date if needed, much easier to change to his name later than from his name.

thats actually rubbish. If the child wanted to change his name later and was still a child, he would need the fathers authorisation. Theres no need to put his name on the certificate. You can put any name you like. The child deserves to know who his father is at some point, but that is way removed from giving him parental responsibility and saddling yourself with issues when travelling and needing this dickheads consent to do stuff. people need to get out of fantasy land and realise that this is the real world. Protect yourself and protect your child. If he is that desperate to be part of the childs life then he could start by behaving well to the childs mother

Putting his name on the birth certificate, which you can only do if he's with you as you're unmarried, gives him legal rights over your child. He would have parental responsibility.
He sounds like a total waste of space so if you don't want to make it easy for him to mess with your head don't put his name on the birth certificate.
If a miracle happens and he turns into a fantastic father he can apply to have his name added at a later date.

My Mum went through something similar with my estranged Dad. She wanted me to have her last name and Father unknown on the birth certificate. Lots of arguing and she gave in and put him on it and gave me his last name. I haven’t seen him since I was 3. I changed my surname via deedpoll when I was 11 and it was and still is a complete faff.

I hate that I was called that but I have to declare my name change on all legal documents, people I knew in primary school still remember me as that, it really is a nightmare. If you have any concerns at all (and it sounds like you have some big ones!) please don’t do that to your child and to yourself.

Unless your child sees her birth certificate she won’t know what it says. My DP is 25 and only found out last year that his Dad isn’t on his or any of his siblings BC because he refused to go with his Mum when she registered (unmarried). It clearly had no impact because him and his older siblings didn’t know. If things get better you can always add him on later.

Also just to add even though my Dad fucked off when I was 3, my Mum had to get his permission to do all sorts because he was on my BC. She had to have it to take me on holiday, even to change my name when I hadn’t seen him for 8 years!!! It was a nightmare.

Keeping him off birth certificate is only denying him parental rights for as long as he doesn't obtain them through court anyway. He doesn't stop being the child's dad because it doesn't suit the mother.

For a starts, they are responsibilities rather than rights.

There are many absent fathers who have decided not to be a parent. This just means that someone who has already proved to be feckless and unreliable has to put some effort in to take up his responsibilities for his child.

No no no.

Baby has your name. He isn’t old fashioned - if he were he’d have married you before you became pregnant or at least whilst you were.

Babies TRADITIONALLY always have the mothers name. But if she’s married that also often happens to be the fathers name.

Do not give the child his surname. In the circumstances I would think hard about putting him in the birth cert.

My ex isn’t on my youngest dds birth certificate only the older children he has never been to court to get put on there as he doesn’t care, I don’t see why people assume he will go to court, most likely he won’t bother, it’s not a given

Yes. He is as he says Old Fashioned.
An angry, shouty insulting man who regularly upset you during your pregnancy with his on off attitude and your friends are telling you to
"run for the hills and block him for good, they’ve seen what he did to me" etc
Do you think that is an acceptable way to treat the mother of your child?
Do you really believe he will be a good influence in your child's life? Which parent do you think is going to care for and protect your child most?

You don't need to discuss this or ask permission just go off and Register your baby on your own, with your name. As people have said you can add him later if he proves himself better than he was during the pregnancy.
Protect yourself and your child first and foremost

I would go alone and register with your name. I wouldn't want a different surname from my children. Lots of people are happy to have different but at first glance it looks like you might be a stepmum or childminder rather than mum iyswim.

If dad wants to be added to the birth certificate then he can. The best he'll be able to do is have the child's surname be double barrelled.

If he was like or fashioned he would have married you or given you more than money for the baby here and there because he'd want to provide for his child.

It's funny how these old fashioned men never do housework or run errands for mum so she can stay off her feet and has less to worry about.

as he’s old fashioned and that’s what you do.

Hahahahahaha!

No.

No, he’s not old-fashioned and no, that’s not what you do.

@Lemonopolis1

I dont agree personally, he is the father whether anyone likes it or not so he has rights to be legally known as the father.. its not something he has to work for. He is the father. Surname is not necessary.

This. Keeping him off birth certificate is only denying him parental rights for as long as he doesn't obtain them through court anyway. He doesn't stop being the child's dad because it doesn't suit the mother. Funny how on here trans rights often slated and if you were born a woman you never can be one, yet so many woman think they can just white wash their child's genetic makeup and totally erase the father. Whether justified or not, he is and always will be the father.

@Lemonopolis1 A quick google would tell the OP's child father how he can get on the birth certificate.

He is a parent now and he should be capable of finding out such information on his own.

I know plenty of men who have regardless of their marital status and their relationship with their child's mother. If he can't he is either lazy or extremely thick.

You've posted about this before haven't you?! He's clearly a complete wanker who wanted to be a nice little family when he thought that meant he get to do whatever he wanted and not actually take responsibility for anything.

Do not put his name on the birth certificate. I've never understood why people who aren't married give the baby the dad's name, but even less so in this sort of situation. If things go well, and he turns out to be a decent dad, you can always change the baby's name subsequently. A good friend did this when he was a teenager - his parents had divorced acrimoniously, she'd changed his name to his step father's, but over time, he had built a good relationship with his dad and he chose therefore to go back to his original name. It' really not that big a deal to do if necessary.

Sorry, to clarify, I meant don't give the baby his name. Personally, I'm not comfortable with not putting his name on the certificate at all. But I am 100% in favour of you giving the baby your name.

I'd give him your surname and put him on the birth certificate

Your name 100% x

@FTM1996

Hi MN, I am due to register my little one TODAY and I’m in a dilemma. Me and the father are not together and failing miserably at co parenting. Long story short, we haven’t known each other long, we pretty much met and I fell pregnant while on the pill. It was a massive shock but he promised the me the world and has just let me down consistently. Without going into all the details of what he’s done, I believe he’s a narcissist, he dumped me and took me back repeatedly which messed with my head and ruined my pregnancy. I finally got the courage to split with him a few weeks ago and asked if we could co-parent, just be friends. I thought because of how badly he was treating me, he’d accept it and be happy for me to leave him. However he’s made it difficult because he hasn’t accepted my decision. Recently he pressured me so much I nearly gave in and said we’d be a family just for the peace. He’s given me money here and there but nothing consistent. I know co parenting is difficult with a baby as I want to be with baby all the time and it’s only early days as baby is only little but I don’t know where to go from here. We originally said baby will take his last name but since I have split with him and said we will just co parent, I have leaned more towards wanting baby to have my name. I’ve looked after him pretty much alone except a few times he’s been up to help. I told him and he’s demanding baby has his name as he’s old fashioned and that’s what you do.. I had no problem with baby taking his last name but I don’t want him to give me problems further down the line. My friends tell me to run for the hills and block him for good, they’ve seen what he did to me etc. So I need an outsider opinion. There’s been no violence but he’s shouted plenty and insulted me plenty. He says things in anger then says sorry. He’s an OK Dad when he’s around baby. I just want him to be consistent and not give me shit. What should I do?

He's demanding baby has his name as he's old fashioned and that's what you do

Not old-fashioned enough to actually stay with his child's mother though?

Old fashioned my arse. He's just being manipulative.

@pianolessons1

No no no. Baby has your name and he doesn't go on birth cert

Poor advice regarding the birth certificate OP may need this to claim CMS or if she co parenting becomes too hard. The Courts will question why dad is not on the birth certificate.

But I think OP should give the baby her last name. It's a faff in then airport if you have different surnames to your child sometimes.

You're not married/civil [partners. So unless he actually goes to the birth registration appointment with you, and admits paternity, the Registrar will not register him as the father and he will not appear on the child's birth certificate under "father".

In your shoes |I'd make very sure you went alone to register your child.

When you register her name, there is nothing to stop you using his surname as her middle name. Then in future, she has that sense of identity, and if by a miracle he becomes a great dad she has the option to double barrell the parental surnames.

But TBH I think you need to get your head round the likelihood you're going to be better off as a lone parent without him in your life.

I hope you have the baby your name?.
Old fashioned???No he is not .Old fashioned / traditional means getting married then having a baby that is why a baby takes the father's name. Because the father is the husband of the mother and they have the same name anyway.
Never in your circumstances give the baby the father's name.