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Original poster

Putting ex on birth certificate and using his last name. Advice please?

151 replies

FTM1996 · 18/10/2021 10:22

Hi MN,
I am due to register my little one TODAY and I’m in a dilemma. Me and the father are not together and failing miserably at co parenting. Long story short, we haven’t known each other long, we pretty much met and I fell pregnant while on the pill. It was a massive shock but he promised the me the world and has just let me down consistently. Without going into all the details of what he’s done, I believe he’s a narcissist, he dumped me and took me back repeatedly which messed with my head and ruined my pregnancy. I finally got the courage to split with him a few weeks ago and asked if we could co-parent, just be friends. I thought because of how badly he was treating me, he’d accept it and be happy for me to leave him. However he’s made it difficult because he hasn’t accepted my decision. Recently he pressured me so much I nearly gave in and said we’d be a family just for the peace. He’s given me money here and there but nothing consistent. I know co parenting is difficult with a baby as I want to be with baby all the time and it’s only early days as baby is only little but I don’t know where to go from here. We originally said baby will take his last name but since I have split with him and said we will just co parent, I have leaned more towards wanting baby to have my name. I’ve looked after him pretty much alone except a few times he’s been up to help. I told him and he’s demanding baby has his name as he’s old fashioned and that’s what you do.. I had no problem with baby taking his last name but I don’t want him to give me problems further down the line.
My friends tell me to run for the hills and block him for good, they’ve seen what he did to me etc. So I need an outsider opinion. There’s been no violence but he’s shouted plenty and insulted me plenty. He says things in anger then says sorry. He’s an OK Dad when he’s around baby. I just want him to be consistent and not give me shit. What should I do?

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 18/10/2021 11:24

OK dads don't shout at and insult their child's mother.
For the love of God, child has your name.

AbbieLexie · 18/10/2021 11:26

@JudgementalCactus has put it all succinctly. Please take on board. Do not put his name down n the birth certificate. Please.

DuvetDayIsEveryDay · 18/10/2021 11:27

Do not put him on the birth certificate and use your surname !!!

ChorizoJacketPotato · 18/10/2021 11:28

Your baby’s name. Not on the BC. All day long. The best gift you’ll ever give your child.

astoundedgoat · 18/10/2021 11:31

No no no no no no!!!

Only your name, and it MUST be your surname. Don't even THINK about anything else - it will only cause you and your child heartache and stress.

Who can your child depend on for love and support for the rest of their life? You or him? I think the answer to that is really easy, right? So only you on the birth certificate.

dementedpixie · 18/10/2021 11:31

@Munchkinpumpkin

I dont agree personally, he is the father whether anyone likes it or not so he has rights to be legally known as the father.. its not something he has to work for. He is the father. Surname is not necessary.
He can't go on the birth certificate without being present as they are unmarried. If he isn't there she has no choice but to leave him off it
DumplingsAndStew · 18/10/2021 11:32

It always disgusts me how many people on MN suggest not putting a fathers details on a birth certificate. You know who the father is, your child deserves to know that.

As for the name, if you're not in agreement, put your name. It can be changed at a future date if needed, much easier to change to his name later than from his name.

astoundedgoat · 18/10/2021 11:34

he’s demanding baby has his name as he’s old fashioned and that’s what you do.. I

Old-fashioned means marrying a woman before you get her pregnant.

Old-fashioned means supporting your baby.

Old-fashioned means treating the mother of your child with respect.

Old-fashioned means raising a child with it's mother, your WIFE.

He is not old-fashioned, he's an abusive bastard. Don't be gaslit by him just because he wants to have power over you.

dementedpixie · 18/10/2021 11:36

@DumplingsAndStew

It always disgusts me how many people on MN suggest not putting a fathers details on a birth certificate. You know who the father is, your child deserves to know that.

As for the name, if you're not in agreement, put your name. It can be changed at a future date if needed, much easier to change to his name later than from his name.

He cannot be put on the birth certificate if he doesn't attend the appointment. If he can't be arsed to be there then his name stays off it
beigebrownblue · 18/10/2021 11:36

Your surname only
it causes no end of complications later on at school/nursery etc if they have a different one.

astoundedgoat · 18/10/2021 11:36

It always disgusts me how many people on MN suggest not putting a fathers details on a birth certificate. You know who the father is, your child deserves to know that.

It's not about that - it's because it gives a man legal power over the child, and if the man is already demonstrably a deadbeat or an abuser, putting his name on the birth certificate hands him permission to extend his abuse for 18 years. He can be a prick to her in a million different ways with that power.

He can force the issue through the courts later if he WANTS to be on the certificate, but oddly, these men never seem to want to make that much effort after the fact.

KirstenBlest · 18/10/2021 11:36

@DumplingsAndStew, read the thread. There are good reasons for not putting the father's name on the birth certificate.

You can tell a child who his or her father is, but you will struggle to remove a named father's rights.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/10/2021 11:36

Absolutely do not give the baby his last name. Why would you not want the same name as your child? Your name a million percent

Crunchingleaf · 18/10/2021 11:42

I regret that I gave DS my Ex’s surname. DS wishes he had same surname as me. I always have to have birth certificate with me to travel to prove that I am his mother.
It’s perfectly reasonable for your child to have your surname when you will most likely be his primary caregiver.

clockover · 18/10/2021 11:42

@DumplingsAndStew

It always disgusts me how many people on MN suggest not putting a fathers details on a birth certificate. You know who the father is, your child deserves to know that.

Have you any idea of the implications of naming a father legally?

Imagine being disgusted at people for suggesting ways a woman can protect her child in the future Hmm

Harlequin1088 · 18/10/2021 11:42

Nope. His only meaningful contribution so far has been ejaculation.

You're not married. You owe him nothing, particularly after the way he's treated.

Don't put him on the birth certificate and give the baby your last name, not his.

Then get hold of CSA as soon as you can and start getting maintenance payments off him. He doesn't need to be on the birth certificate for this and of it came down to it you can just have a DNA test done to prove paternity.

Branleuse · 18/10/2021 11:45

no no no. Do not put his name on the birth certificate and please give baby your last name. Its your baby. His contribution is one ejaculation and a load of drama. You really would be doing yourself and your child a disservice to be saddled with all that. id block him.
Hes not old fashioned enough to treat you with respect or consideration

BillMasen · 18/10/2021 11:45

He’s the father, he should be on the certificate. Just because a relationship broke down doesn’t negate that. The bc is not a weapon

Surname, yours. He has no say

RedMarauder · 18/10/2021 11:48

@DumplingsAndStew

It always disgusts me how many people on MN suggest not putting a fathers details on a birth certificate. You know who the father is, your child deserves to know that.

As for the name, if you're not in agreement, put your name. It can be changed at a future date if needed, much easier to change to his name later than from his name.

@DumplingsAndStew As the parents aren't married the father cannot legally be put on the birth certificate unless he attends the registration appointment.

While there are ways the father can be included, oddly most fathers who aren't with the mother of their child aren't that organised so those who are added are added later. The mother just should be reasonable and not block the father being added if he pulls his finger out and gets the right documentation/court order in place.

Redcrayons · 18/10/2021 11:54

Trust your friends. They know you and want what’s best for you. He doesn’t.

In the unlikely event he turns into a diamond, then you can change the BC and add him later.
Don’t make life harder for yourself.

SarahBellam · 18/10/2021 11:58

If he was that old fashioned he wouldn't have had sex before marriage. This is just a power trip. Your name and your name only.

Cattenberg · 18/10/2021 12:00

One of my friends had a baby with an immature, manipulative arse who had the habit of smashing things up if he didn’t get his own way. The relationship ended before the baby was born.

Manipulative arse kept changing his mind about whether he wanted to be on the birth certificate. Unfortunately, at the last minute he decided that he did. Once, after a row with my friend, he took the baby and refused to bring him back. My friend phoned the police in tears and was told that as the father was on the birth certificate, he had parental responsibility and there was nothing they could do.

Manipulative arse was self-employed and lied about his income, so he only paid a tiny amount of child maintenance. He made my friend’s life difficult regarding contact and tried to convince people that she was irrational.

Manipulative arse eventually made the big mistake of showing his true colours in front of witnesses. I don’t know exactly what happened, but the family court then ruled that he must attend anger management training before contact could resume. The last I heard, he hadn’t bothered to do this.

It would have been better for my friend and her son if the father had never been on the birth certificate, IMO.

Lemonopolis1 · 18/10/2021 12:14

I dont agree personally, he is the father whether anyone likes it or not so he has rights to be legally known as the father.. its not something he has to work for. He is the father. Surname is not necessary.

This. Keeping him off birth certificate is only denying him parental rights for as long as he doesn't obtain them through court anyway. He doesn't stop being the child's dad because it doesn't suit the mother. Funny how on here trans rights often slated and if you were born a woman you never can be one, yet so many woman think they can just white wash their child's genetic makeup and totally erase the father. Whether justified or not, he is and always will be the father.

Naunet · 18/10/2021 12:14

We originally said baby will take his last name but since I have split with him and said we will just co parent, I have leaned more towards wanting baby to have my name. I’ve looked after him pretty much alone except a few times he’s been up to help. I told him and he’s demanding baby has his name as he’s old fashioned and that’s what you do

For fuck sake!!! Tradition is that the baby has the same name as the MOTHER, not the father. And as he cares so much about tradition (when it suits him), then on learning this, I’m sure he’ll agree that the baby should have your name, right?

Why do women bend over to this shit just because a man says so? The default is YOUR name, not his.

tickledtiger · 18/10/2021 12:17

Give the baby your last name 100%
That’s what I’d do.