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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do now? Ashamed

141 replies

whitehorsesdonotlie · 17/10/2021 18:37

I pushed dh today. He’d made a sarcastic remark about me, like ‘Oh, Mum always knows best, doesn’t she?’, and I just saw red. This was after other similar comments he’d made over the last few days. He says they were jokes but I hate PA remarks, hate snide comments, hate being laughed at.

I apologised straight away and tried to explain why I had reacted like that, but dh just said that it had been a joke and I treat him much worse than he treats me, without giving examples.

We were with friends at the time, which made it all much worse. I feel terrible for losing my temper and causing an atmosphere.

I’d had to tell ds off for his tone/attitude a couple of times today so was tense.

The kids are now upset (15 and 16). I’ve tried to explain what happened and have apologised but they don’t want to forgive me and are angry. I don’t know what to do. Dh says he doesn’t want to talk about it yet, he has to think about what I’ve done. Fair enough. I know it was inexcusable. He’s now downstairs doing housework and being all ‘perfect dad’ with the kids.

We’ve been together 20 years, no violence, though we did argue a few times during lockdown, and the kids hate it when we argue. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.

OP posts:
Bumtum126 · 17/10/2021 18:40

To give some context, what did you say or do?

Greydaysandrainbows · 17/10/2021 18:42

Maybe you should call it a day.

I couldn't cope with the constant snide comments -that's abuse and now it's physical from your side.
Can you go away for a couple of days and have some breathing space.

Also it's very different if it's a gentle push on the shoulder and he was leering over you making the comment or a push -how uncomfortable for your friends?

WhoWearsShortShorts · 17/10/2021 18:44

@Greydaysandrainbows

Maybe you should call it a day.

I couldn't cope with the constant snide comments -that's abuse and now it's physical from your side.
Can you go away for a couple of days and have some breathing space.

Also it's very different if it's a gentle push on the shoulder and he was leering over you making the comment or a push -how uncomfortable for your friends?

Well, that didnt take long did it. She said he's made a few comments over the last few days so how on earth can you feel justified in leaping straight to he's abusing her?
Greydaysandrainbows · 17/10/2021 18:52

Actually if you read my post -snide comments, laughing at the OP -I stated that was abuse.
OP "This was after other similar comments he’d made over the last few days. He says they were jokes but I hate PA remarks, hate snide comments, hate being laughed at."

So I made the point that snide comments, being laughed at -to the extent she pushed him -I call it abuse on both sides, verbal on one side causing the other to feel distressed and physical on one side leading to upset husband and kids ! I wasn't there.

But sometimes we need to face the reality that the relationship could well be over.

Before that happens -I suggested breathing space.

It's my opinion -based on the some amount of information from the OP.

Original poster
whitehorsesdonotlie · 17/10/2021 18:58

I didn't say anything. I just pushed him. Harder than a gentle tap on the shoulder, but not hard enough to move him or hurt him. But still unacceptable. I know that.

I'm not going to throw away 20 years over snide remarks, but I think we both need to think about how we treat each other.

It's not constant snide remarks - he made a few over the past few days, all in front of our friends, which I hate, because I think they will judge me for being with someone who makes remarks like that to me... I think dh would say they were jokes and he was genuinely trying to be amusing. I don't know. But he knows I dislike them - I have told him so in the past.

I might be thinking too much about how my friends reacted and what they thought. I want them to think well of me and dh and not to think that dh is a dick.

OP posts:
Angrynellie · 17/10/2021 19:00

What did you do, actually pushed him physically ? Or do you mean pushed his buttons?

Youknownothingsnow · 17/10/2021 19:01

Life is too short for this nonsense. Move on.

Eviebeans · 17/10/2021 19:04

Does he behave like that when friends aren't around?

HoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 17/10/2021 19:05

If this was the other way around, we'd all be telling you to leave him - once he's been violent once then he has shown his true colours, it will only escalate from here etc.

You know there's no excuse for what you did. Bringing up issues about snide comments etc is deflecting from what happened - there's never an excuse for physical violence.

I think you should leave him to think, not try and excuse yourself to your DC and wait to see what he wants to do. If I were in your position I would be 100% apologetic and not trying to lump blame around for your actions.

rrhuth · 17/10/2021 19:06

I just pushed him. Harder than a gentle tap on the shoulder, but not hard enough to move him or hurt him.

I don't understand, if it 'wasn't hard enough to hurt or move him', then it can't have been much of anything?

It all sounds awful generally.

Angrynellie · 17/10/2021 19:07

You need to message your friends and apologise for dragging them into this too.
I’m not surprised your kids are angry at you. You should make sure they all know how sorry you are.

Eviebeans · 17/10/2021 19:16

If he made a few snide remarks over the past few days in front of friends does that mean that the same friends were staying with you for a few days or was it separate incidents in front of different friends? Were there other stressful things going on?

OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 19:22

Could you text your friend and just say sorry for causing an atmosphere and that you’re feeling a bit embarrassed about it? Having a little debrief about it with her might make you feel better. Once you’ve sorted things with her you might feel less stressed about it and then you could talk to your husband about it and try and resolve the issues.

LetHimHaveIt · 17/10/2021 19:28

I don't understand this at all. If it wasn't hard enough to hurt him or move him, then it's not 'physical violence', is it? You shouldn't have done it. But you don't need to ring round apologising to friends or prostrate yourself in front of your kids 🙄 and he doesn't need to have an elaborate think about his next move. If you don't much like each other, split up.

Original poster
whitehorsesdonotlie · 17/10/2021 19:28

To answer some questions...

Yes, the friends have been staying for a few days, and the snide remarks have been in front of them. H does it less when it's just us, and I don't mind it so much then.

I have been a bit on edge - a few years back, my friend said something negative about my dd, not realising that my dd was in earshot, and things were sticky between us for a while after that. And I'm more conscious of wanting the dc to 'be good' so that my friend thinks well of them.

We were supposed to be seeing the same friends tonight. I have messaged them and made an excuse. I just don't want to go with such an awful atmosphere.

Good idea to spologise to friends. I have done.

I'm not a violent person, and have never been violent in my life. Don't think it's likely to happen again.

You know there's no excuse for what you did. Bringing up issues about snide comments etc is deflecting from what happened - there's never an excuse for physical violence.

I know that. I said that above, I was thinking about things, trying to work out why it happened and why I was so angry.

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 17/10/2021 19:33

It sounds like the stress you were both under during the visit caused unfortunate behaviour from both of you which ended quite awkwardly by the sounds of things. We can all act badly under pressure. I wonder why you decided to put yourselves in such a pressurised situation though.

toocold54 · 17/10/2021 19:33

He’s now downstairs doing housework and being all ‘perfect dad’ with the kids.

I don’t understand why you wrote the above sentence.
It’s sounds quite snippy of you to put ‘perfect dad’ - what is wrong with that? You’ve upset them and he’s being good with them - you sound a bit jealous of this, why?

Obviously you’ve made a massive mistake and the only thing you can do is apologise and promise to never do it again. Take the blame and don’t say things like he did this or that as that makes it seem like it was partly his fault which him or your kids won’t want to hear.

CharlieP1977 · 17/10/2021 19:33

@whitehorsesdonotlie

To answer some questions...

Yes, the friends have been staying for a few days, and the snide remarks have been in front of them. H does it less when it's just us, and I don't mind it so much then.

I have been a bit on edge - a few years back, my friend said something negative about my dd, not realising that my dd was in earshot, and things were sticky between us for a while after that. And I'm more conscious of wanting the dc to 'be good' so that my friend thinks well of them.

We were supposed to be seeing the same friends tonight. I have messaged them and made an excuse. I just don't want to go with such an awful atmosphere.

Good idea to spologise to friends. I have done.

I'm not a violent person, and have never been violent in my life. Don't think it's likely to happen again.

You know there's no excuse for what you did. Bringing up issues about snide comments etc is deflecting from what happened - there's never an excuse for physical violence.

I know that. I said that above, I was thinking about things, trying to work out why it happened and why I was so angry.

I think it sounds like he was pushing your buttons and you reacted. Ok not great, but if it was only a push that didn't even move him then I wouldn't even worry. You both just need to talk about it and move on from it. It doesn't need to be made into a huge thing.
Ledition · 17/10/2021 19:34

I think when someone starts to undermine their partner in front of friends/family it's only a matter of time before you'll have to call it a day. He's showing contempt for you. This is the slippery slope to divorce. Ok the pushi g is not good but stop beating yourself up, I can't imagine he was in fear for his life. He's just going to use this as a stick to beat you with, to make you the bad guy so he gets away with his shitty behaviour.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 17/10/2021 19:34

Snide remarks as in mocking you?

Muttly · 17/10/2021 19:47

We played a game with our kids a while back called the barb game where we called out barbs. We had all gotten into a bit of a habit of being PA as the kids had hit their teens. The rule was that the person receiving the barb was the arbitrator of what was a barb. It was really helpful at recalibration of the PA comments as we were keeping score of the barbs.

Maybe something similar might help to draw attention to what you are experiencing.

If you notice a pattern of niggly behaviour you need to address it because if you don’t as you found out you can explode which ends up making you into the bad guy.

toocold54 · 17/10/2021 19:51

If you notice a pattern of niggly behaviour you need to address it because if you don’t as you found out you can explode which ends up making you into the bad guy.

I agree about addressing behaviours but there’s no excuse to physically touch someone in anger.
Men blame women all the time when they hit them but everyone has a choice to walk away.

Sparkletastic · 17/10/2021 19:52

He's the one that should be apologising.

drpet49 · 17/10/2021 19:55

** If this was the other way around, we'd all be telling you to leave him - once he's been violent once then he has shown his true colours, it will only escalate from here etc.

You know there's no excuse for what you did. Bringing up issues about snide comments etc is deflecting from what happened - there's never an excuse for physical violence.**

^Completely agree with the above. I also think OP is minimising what happened. Eve her kids are angry at her.

grapewine · 17/10/2021 19:59

There is a lot of minimising on this thread.