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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do now? Ashamed

141 replies

whitehorsesdonotlie · 17/10/2021 18:37

I pushed dh today. He’d made a sarcastic remark about me, like ‘Oh, Mum always knows best, doesn’t she?’, and I just saw red. This was after other similar comments he’d made over the last few days. He says they were jokes but I hate PA remarks, hate snide comments, hate being laughed at.

I apologised straight away and tried to explain why I had reacted like that, but dh just said that it had been a joke and I treat him much worse than he treats me, without giving examples.

We were with friends at the time, which made it all much worse. I feel terrible for losing my temper and causing an atmosphere.

I’d had to tell ds off for his tone/attitude a couple of times today so was tense.

The kids are now upset (15 and 16). I’ve tried to explain what happened and have apologised but they don’t want to forgive me and are angry. I don’t know what to do. Dh says he doesn’t want to talk about it yet, he has to think about what I’ve done. Fair enough. I know it was inexcusable. He’s now downstairs doing housework and being all ‘perfect dad’ with the kids.

We’ve been together 20 years, no violence, though we did argue a few times during lockdown, and the kids hate it when we argue. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.

OP posts:
BillMasen · 18/10/2021 12:35

@grapewine

There is a lot of minimising on this thread.
As there always is

There’s a minority on mumsnet who deny the existence of any abuse on men, any physical violence, any attack.

Not read the rest of the thread yet but I expect some will say it’s just a push. Some will say he’s stronger so it doesn’t count. Some will say men abuse women loads more so this is a minority.

fuckoffImcounting · 18/10/2021 12:36

A little push that did not hurt anyone and this man is using it as ammunition against you and shaming you in front of your DC. This man does not have your back at all. What a fucking foul way to treat his wife.

BillMasen · 18/10/2021 12:41

And bingo! All of the excuses I expected

And I forgot the one about it being his fault, he made her, he pushed her buttons

Mumsnet has an issue with apologists for violence against men. It’s visible clearly on this thread

Coronawireless · 18/10/2021 12:46

If some of the commentators here saying women hitting men is just as bad as men hitting women are men, they should be ashamed of themselves. And if they are women, they clearly have never been hit by a man.

BillMasen · 18/10/2021 12:52

@Coronawireless

If some of the commentators here saying women hitting men is just as bad as men hitting women are men, they should be ashamed of themselves. And if they are women, they clearly have never been hit by a man.
I’m saying it’s just as bad Emotionally it is, perhaps physically too depending on the individuals.

I’m also saying those minimising it should be ashamed of themselves. They are part of the attitude that leads men to be ashamed and to hide when they are hit

timeisnotaline · 18/10/2021 13:20

@Coronawireless

It would never be ok for a man to hit a woman, no. It’s not good for any adult to hit another, but it’s far worse for a man to hit a woman. Stop pretending you don’t know the difference!
This. Looking at you @KurtWilde. No it wasn’t at all ok for your relative to be treated like that. Yes it should be normalised to report. But the likelihood she could easily strangle your relative - so easily it’s not even murder if a man does it while having sex with a woman as that could happen to anyone after all, is extremely low. The likelihood she could beat him to death, send him to hospital with broken ribs and a fractured skull, the kind of injuries abused women get because they are more vulnerable than men is also extremely low. You’re not doing the male domestic violence victims any favours at all by pretending it’s all exactly the same risk level. If you just highlight it happens and it’s not ok I’d be there with you agreeing.
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 18/10/2021 13:32

It is not OK for any person to push any other person (except if life saving). Women who are pushed may not all fear for their life so that cannot be used as an argument to mean it's OK really if a woman does it. What you did was lost control of yourself. I know you already know that and that seems to be an understandably big part of what is bothering you. I think you do need to think more about what happened as you need to never do that again, but in order to manage that you need to think more about the conditions which led to that. Communication with your DH is obviously part of that and I'm glad he is properly talking with you. Whether we call this abuse or violence or something else is perhaps a red herring. It is not acceptable behaviour ever. That does not mean that you are a terrible person though. Your kids may be freaked out if they have never seen you lose control like that before or they may be angry because they feel defensive of their dad, maybe even feeling like he should be able to say what he wants and you have to just smile about it. We don't really know yet what the root of their anger is. I think maybe you and your DH need to talk to them together about the whole of what happened. It is clearly an appalling role model to get physical with people, but it is also appalling to carry on saying things which are upsetting people.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 18/10/2021 13:35

I agree that the physical risk a woman is a to a man is likely to be much less than a man to a woman. But that does not excuse women's violence. It also is worrying that people seem not to be considering the processes which which mean learn to be violent. Does watching your mum be violent to others have no impact on growing boys? The fact that men's violence is more physically dangerous does not excuse it or make it OK or even not a big deal.

KurtWilde · 18/10/2021 14:51

@Coronawireless

If some of the commentators here saying women hitting men is just as bad as men hitting women are men, they should be ashamed of themselves. And if they are women, they clearly have never been hit by a man.
Seriously??
KurtWilde · 18/10/2021 14:54

The likelihood she could beat him to death, send him to hospital with broken ribs and a fractured skull, the kind of injuries abused women get because they are more vulnerable than men is also extremely low.

@timeisnotaline I can't out myself on what she did to my relative, but I can most definitely say he was hospitalised on more than one occasion. To say a woman isn't as capable of causing serious harm to a man is ridiculous!

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 18/10/2021 14:54

“There’s a minority on mumsnet who deny the existence of any abuse on men, any physical violence, any attack. “

Bull. Shit. You’re full of it.

Find one post anywhere with that opinion.

Coronawireless · 18/10/2021 15:36

@KurtWilde
No one is saying that women should hit men.
So I don’t know why you’re saying anyone thinks it’s ok. But if you seriously think that the physical damage of a woman hitting a man is equivalent to the other way around you are utterly deluded.

Coronawireless · 18/10/2021 15:38

OP - good to hear you have finally been able to talk to your DP. Hopefully mutual communication and respect will continue to improve.

AuntieJoyce · 18/10/2021 15:45

[quote Coronawireless]@KurtWilde
No one is saying that women should hit men.
So I don’t know why you’re saying anyone thinks it’s ok. But if you seriously think that the physical damage of a woman hitting a man is equivalent to the other way around you are utterly deluded.[/quote]
In general- yes

In any specific case - no

WitchyNameChange · 18/10/2021 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coronawireless · 18/10/2021 16:11

Outdated? Sorry, I hadn’t realised that women’s and men’s bodies had changed and there is now no difference between them.

Theunamedcat · 18/10/2021 16:24

Honestly I think its done he has been snide etc you have finally snapped now the children have seen you snap and will side with the innocent party he appears pleased job well done you are the official "bad guy" paxk up your remaining dignity and go work on yourself awhile unless this is the last in a long string of violence your kids will be ok with you however they might not but you need to limit the damage done to them now you won't be able to force them into going with you or custody agreements they are too old for that but take control of your life now and take steps to ensure this never gets worse

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 18/10/2021 16:25

My ex always made embarrassing comments about me and to me when friends and family were present. Regularly put me down. Of course, it was always a joke! He's now, as I mentioned, my ex!

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 18/10/2021 16:28

What's very obvious is that the dynamics of OP's relationship with her husband aren't healthy and becoming toxic(if they aren't already) . If that's because he's a prick , or her for caring too much what her friends think and keeping up appearances or both, I don't know.

Neither his comments or her obsession with "looking good" in front of friends are healthy though.

JovialNickname · 18/10/2021 16:31

It's really interesting to me that you posted this because I have been thinking of posting something similar (in some ways).

I slapped a man, really hard, in the face the other day. He was my boyfriend, we live together in a shared house. I know it was very wrong. But he had been disrespectful to me, in serious ways, for a long time. And now I feel better. I can't reconcile the fact that I don't regret it with the fact I did it

Eastie77Returns · 18/10/2021 16:46

#1
OP: I made some a few snide comments to DH in front of his friends and he pushed me. Not enough to hurt or move me but just a push...
MN: STOP minimalizing this OP! It's not ok. It doesn't matter if he hurt you or moved you. It is physical violence and he's abusive. Leave him/change the locks/call Women's Aid.

#2
OP: DH made a few snide comments about me in front of my friends and I pushed him. Not enough to hurt or move him but just a push..
MN: Stop apologizing OP! It's ok. You didn't hurt him or move him. It's not physical violence and he sounds abusive for making those snide comments. Leave him/change the locks/call Women's Aid/

And yes, I understand men are stronger than women. What I do not understand is why, on MN, the same crappy behaviour is abuse when the perpetrator is a man but always excusable when it's a woman.

billy1966 · 18/10/2021 16:52

OP,

This relationship is driving you into behaviour that is bad and will be awful for your children to witness.

His nastiness to you despite being asked to stop is a part of the problem.

But you step over a very serious line.

This relationship is not healthy and I would think that you need to look at counselling and separation.

Let this be a warning to you both that your marriage has crossed over into a place that will scare your children forever.

I don't think you can downplay how serious this is.

You need to be very honest with yourself about your marriage and how you are feeling.

Your children deserve better that this environment of snide digs and you shoving their father.

Wishing you well.Flowers

toocold54 · 18/10/2021 17:14

If some of the commentators here saying women hitting men is just as bad as men hitting women are men, they should be ashamed of themselves. And if they are women, they clearly have never been hit by a man.

WTF have I just read!!
So it’s not ok for a man to hit a women but it’s ok for a women to hit a man?

How about it’s not ok to hit your partner regardless of sex?

Livpool · 18/10/2021 18:23

@KurtWilde

It’s not good for any adult to hit another, but it’s far worse for a man to hit a woman.

And this kind of attitude right here is why more men don't come forward to report their experiences. The statistics of DV would look far different if they did.

Try telling my male family member - who was subjected to being pushed, shoved. slapped and more by his girlfriend - that it wasn't as bad for him as it would be for a woman.

Jesus wept, I'm off this thread, some of the shit you people spew is repugnant.

Agreed! It is shocking
Coronawireless · 18/10/2021 20:14

It’s shocking to say “It’s not good for any adult to hit another but worse for a man to hit a woman” ?
What’s shocking about that?