What do I do now? Ashamed

[whitehorsesdonotlie]

I pushed dh today. He’d made a sarcastic remark about me, like ‘Oh, Mum always knows best, doesn’t she?’, and I just saw red. This was after other similar comments he’d made over the last few days. He says they were jokes but I hate PA remarks, hate snide comments, hate being laughed at.

I apologised straight away and tried to explain why I had reacted like that, but dh just said that it had been a joke and I treat him much worse than he treats me, without giving examples.

We were with friends at the time, which made it all much worse. I feel terrible for losing my temper and causing an atmosphere.

I’d had to tell ds off for his tone/attitude a couple of times today so was tense.

The kids are now upset (15 and 16). I’ve tried to explain what happened and have apologised but they don’t want to forgive me and are angry. I don’t know what to do. Dh says he doesn’t want to talk about it yet, he has to think about what I’ve done. Fair enough. I know it was inexcusable. He’s now downstairs doing housework and being all ‘perfect dad’ with the kids.

We’ve been together 20 years, no violence, though we did argue a few times during lockdown, and the kids hate it when we argue. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.

Quite frankly, I’m shocked that you’re shocked.

@Coronawireless

It’s shocking to say “It’s not good for any adult to hit another but worse for a man to hit a woman” ? What’s shocking about that?

Nothing. The fact is that a man could kill a woman with one blow. I agree that female violence is not okay either and yes women can be abusers of men and that is horrible. But the dynamics are different, you can't just reverse the sexes and think the situations are going to map perfectly. I do think this specific situation would have played out differently if the sexes were swapped and most people would see a bigger stronger man pushing a woman as obviously more threatening and frightening than the other way around. Which again, is not to excuse the OP for her lashing out in anger. We can all agree that's not right.

There’s a difference between action and consequence. The action is never ok. The consequence will in most circumstances differ whether it’s a male or female victim, but that doesn’t impact on whether the action was justifiable or not.

Why are you so desperate to impress someone who slagged off your kid?

Why so many threads on the same theme today? Its so odd.

My son is in an abusive relationship. He was in hospital with a concussion she caused. Scratches on his face and arms. And black eyes.
My son works out at the gym and has done for the last 15 years and is stronger than her.
Difference is she is violent and he is not.
But apparently that's ok.
It started with a push. Then a shove. Then escalated.
If it's got to the point where you need to retaliate with violence then walk away.

Christ, this has been derailed a bit...

Just as well I know that I was wrong and I wasn't hoping for Mumsnet to tell me so...

Thanks for all advice. Some people might like to read their advice and then reread it, asking if they have been kind and necessary...

Also why is coercive control a crime. No physical violence there.
Strength is not the factor in abuse.
Why is it because a female is physically weaker than a man it's ok for her to abuse.

Your marriage has become very, very toxic. This is no way to live.

@whitehorsesdonotlie

Thanks for all advice. Some people might like to read their advice and then reread it, asking if they have been kind and necessary...

Glad to hear you had a good conversation and hope it's productive for your relationship. Ignore the side-shows and give yourself a pat on the back for being able to be honest and self-reflective.

My son has had many "good conversations" that's what keeps him in the abusive relationship

I wish he would leave

Ledition

‘The double standards argument is so tedious. Women do not pose even close to the same level of threat to men as vice versa. The "double standards" are borne out of reality. How many women murder their husbands every week in the UK? Yeah none that's how many.

Yes men can suffer domestic abuse but that's not what's been described here. A push to a man's shoulder is not abuse. It's not good and it shouldn't happen but unless OP is a huge woman who dwarfs her husband in size and strength (which considering he didn't move is highly unlikely) there was no threat to him.

I could punch my husband square in the jaw and he still would feel no threat as he knows he can kill me with his bare hands if he was so inclined. There's a power imbalance borne of of biology.

And considering OP is tying herself up in knots when her husband was behaving like a complete dick makes it obvious where the real power lies in this relationship.’

This. Thank you @Ledition

@ineedtogetalife

My son has had many "good conversations" that's what keeps him in the abusive relationship

With respect, your son's relationship is nothing like mine and our situations are not the same. I hope he finds the strength to leave.

OP,
I have every sympathy for you.

You have been mocked, needled and embarrassed repeatedly, despite asking him to stop.

Your patience was pushed too far and you loss control.

Of course you know it's wrong but it isn't good to be with someone who does this.

He needles you, you lose control and then he can play wounded with your children.

Toxic.

He's a prick.
His needling you is nasty and deliberate to get a reaction.

He got one this time.

Honest conversations my arse.
He is not a good man and you are being played by him.

Do not allow him to ruin your relationship with your children.

The next time he attempts to rile you should be the last time.

Get out of this marriage because he is setting you up for real failure with your children.