Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do now? Ashamed

141 replies

whitehorsesdonotlie · 17/10/2021 18:37

I pushed dh today. He’d made a sarcastic remark about me, like ‘Oh, Mum always knows best, doesn’t she?’, and I just saw red. This was after other similar comments he’d made over the last few days. He says they were jokes but I hate PA remarks, hate snide comments, hate being laughed at.

I apologised straight away and tried to explain why I had reacted like that, but dh just said that it had been a joke and I treat him much worse than he treats me, without giving examples.

We were with friends at the time, which made it all much worse. I feel terrible for losing my temper and causing an atmosphere.

I’d had to tell ds off for his tone/attitude a couple of times today so was tense.

The kids are now upset (15 and 16). I’ve tried to explain what happened and have apologised but they don’t want to forgive me and are angry. I don’t know what to do. Dh says he doesn’t want to talk about it yet, he has to think about what I’ve done. Fair enough. I know it was inexcusable. He’s now downstairs doing housework and being all ‘perfect dad’ with the kids.

We’ve been together 20 years, no violence, though we did argue a few times during lockdown, and the kids hate it when we argue. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.

OP posts:
Redredwiney · 17/10/2021 20:07

@grapewine

There is a lot of minimising on this thread.
Not surprising is it…?

You offer to get anger management classes OP, that’s what you should do.

LetHimHaveIt · 17/10/2021 20:08

'Eve her kids are angry at her.'

Yeah; they often are when the dad has done such a bang-up job of getting them on side and ganging-up with comments like "Mum always knows best, doesn't she?

OP shouldn't have done it. But she wasn't violent. What she's described wasn't violence. I'm astonished the children even noticed a push to the shoulder which didn't hurt or move their father.

Redredwiney · 17/10/2021 20:09

@LetHimHaveIt

'Eve her kids are angry at her.'

Yeah; they often are when the dad has done such a bang-up job of getting them on side and ganging-up with comments like "Mum always knows best, doesn't she?

OP shouldn't have done it. But she wasn't violent. What she's described wasn't violence. I'm astonished the children even noticed a push to the shoulder which didn't hurt or move their father.

I guess a push and a shove are ok when a man hits his wife as long as there’s no bruise and it’s not forceful then?

OP was violent. Everyone including OP acknowledges that. Why claim otherwise?

Username817391920384747 · 17/10/2021 20:12

Sorry but if the shoe was on the other foot you would be getting a barrage of “LTB” replies and people telling you it is “abuse.” You seem more concerned about what your friends think about you rather than what you actually did.

LetHimHaveIt · 17/10/2021 20:12

'Violence' is 'physical force intended to hurt, damage or kill.'

OP intended none of those things.

Interesting, though, that you've expanded to 'a push and a shove'.

Redredwiney · 17/10/2021 20:15

@LetHimHaveIt

'Violence' is 'physical force intended to hurt, damage or kill.'

OP intended none of those things.

Interesting, though, that you've expanded to 'a push and a shove'.

Oh right ok, so if a woman winds up her husband to the point that he pushes OR shoves her, it’s acceptable? Noted.
Username817391920384747 · 17/10/2021 20:15

Also if I was your friend I would be judging you for pushing your husband in front of your kids, not for being with someone who “talks to you like that” …

Redredwiney · 17/10/2021 20:16

@LetHimHaveIt

'Violence' is 'physical force intended to hurt, damage or kill.'

OP intended none of those things.

Interesting, though, that you've expanded to 'a push and a shove'.

Also, you don’t know that OP didn’t intend to hurt. Just because she didn’t push hard enough to do any damage, doesn’t mean the intention wasn’t there.
grapewine · 17/10/2021 20:17

@Username817391920384747

Sorry but if the shoe was on the other foot you would be getting a barrage of “LTB” replies and people telling you it is “abuse.” You seem more concerned about what your friends think about you rather than what you actually did.
Exactly.

It doesn't sound like a great marriage, but then you leave.

Whatabambam · 17/10/2021 20:27

Pushing him so hard that he didn't even move is hardly abuse. Picking up an object and hitting him with it is abuse. Stop berating yourself. Your OH goaded you and you are feeling bad because you lost control over your emotions to the point where you embarrassed yourself in front of your friends. Neither of these things are healthy. I think you should both make a commitment to talking with each other to identify why you are falling into these patterns and to try and find a way to communicate better with each other.

HoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 17/10/2021 20:34

@Whatabambam

Pushing him so hard that he didn't even move is hardly abuse. Picking up an object and hitting him with it is abuse. Stop berating yourself. Your OH goaded you and you are feeling bad because you lost control over your emotions to the point where you embarrassed yourself in front of your friends. Neither of these things are healthy. I think you should both make a commitment to talking with each other to identify why you are falling into these patterns and to try and find a way to communicate better with each other.
This is absolute bull.

The fact that he is of a physical build that her pushing and shoving didn't move him is not important. That would not be a defence for a man - you wouldn't say "oh he shoved you, but you didn't move so it doesn't count".

Picking up items and hitting someone with it is abuse, yes. So is any form of being physical.

You're minimising the OPs actions.

OP, I've seen your further comments. Definitely take some time out and let your DP lead the discussion / resolution on this. Your DC will be upset, whether or not you think it hurt / moved your DP, they've witnessed you get physical to express your emotions. I think this is something to sleep on and try to deal with as a family tomorrow - but only if they want to.

Emmas85 · 17/10/2021 20:35

I never understood why on these threads if it's a woman who has been violent it's always her partner/husbands fault and it's deemed not that bad. When it's a man who has pushed his partner/wife people are always told to leave straight away with lots of people saying 'make sure you're safe' etc. Strange the change when it's the opposite sex!

toocold54 · 17/10/2021 20:42

Yeah; they often are when the dad has done such a bang-up job of getting them on side and ganging-up with comments like "Mum always knows best, doesn't she?

If it was her DH who pushed her and upset the children would you be saying how she and the children are ganging up on her DH?

Mooster62 · 17/10/2021 20:42

It seems to me that you are far too worried about your friends judging you and what they think about your husband and children. It really doesn't matter what they think. If you hate PA remarks then say so don't worry about what your friends think.

Morechocmorechoc · 17/10/2021 20:43

This seems like a lot of drama over nothing. You shoukd both grow up and move on already

KurtWilde · 17/10/2021 20:44

@Emmas85

I never understood why on these threads if it's a woman who has been violent it's always her partner/husbands fault and it's deemed not that bad. When it's a man who has pushed his partner/wife people are always told to leave straight away with lots of people saying 'make sure you're safe' etc. Strange the change when it's the opposite sex!
I agree. The double standards on MN are getting worse by the week.
PartyStory · 17/10/2021 20:59

There’s a difference between a stronger person pushing a weaker one and a weaker one pushing a stronger one. The balance of power is not the same.

Saying that, the intent was there and OP was limited by physical ability and not a lack of trying.

I advise that you talk to your partner about what happened and how he feels about it. I also suggest you look at some anger management strategies so you in the future you don’t act without thinking. Learn to step away when you feel this way.

Justtobeclear · 17/10/2021 21:00

I’m concerned that you feel what you did was justified because of his behaviour. Especially when you say you don’t know why you did it. There is no justification for physical action even more so when in front of your children. I think it would be important to explore why you’ve reached this point, possibly with outside help, to show your family you are taking it seriously.

Blackbird2020 · 17/10/2021 21:16

Honestly, both of you sound like you’re kids in a playground. One starts with the words, the other starts with the pushing and shoving back.

Stand back and take a good look at what examples BOTH OF YOU are setting the ACTUAL children in your family.

Bonster37 · 17/10/2021 21:30

I think Op has already accepted total responsibility for her actions but her DH hasn’t. Being on the receiving end of snide remarks would bring anyone’s temper out. It’s how you deal with it that matters. I think you should have used your words in this case. A swift ‘will you shut the fuck up’ would have driven the same point home.

KurtWilde · 17/10/2021 21:41

There’s a difference between a stronger person pushing a weaker one and a weaker one pushing a stronger one. The balance of power is not the same.

I hate this. This is the reason men who are domestically abused don't speak up. A push is a push. It's wrong anyway you slice it.

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2021 21:44

How would you feel if he pushed you op? Then came on line and stated you were downstairs playing perfect mum?

What would you wish from him?

Original poster
whitehorsesdonotlie · 17/10/2021 21:48

I'm not trying to minimise anything. I've tried to give reasons for my actions - you know, think about my actions so I can prevent this from happening again.

I need to have a serious think about why this really happened, and decide if I want to stay in my marriage.

Thanks for the helpful posts and advice.

OP posts:
NiceTwin · 17/10/2021 21:54

Why do you care so much what your friends think of you or your kids?

Surely they wouldn't be your friend if they didn't like you.

PartyStory · 17/10/2021 22:02

I hate this. This is the reason men who are domestically abused don't speak up. A push is a push. It's wrong anyway you slice it.

Please don’t quote me out of context. I also said that the intent was there. OP is not going to be able to push her husband the same as he could push her because she is the weaker partner. That’s a fact.

That doesn’t mean that she didn’t use force against him but that it didn’t have the same result as he would as she is not as strong as him and unable to cause the same amount of injury. Yet she still was in the same state of mind and had he pushed her the equivalent amount, she could have been injured.

I also suggested that she learn to step away and didn’t imply that domestic violence against men is somehow ok.