Why do I care that she's dying?

[beastlyslumber]

My mum taught me that I was worthless and unlovable, that my feelings were stupid and embarrassing, that there was something fundamentally and inherently wrong with me that could never be fixed. I was her scapegoat and she engineered many divisions within the family in order to exclude me. She lied about everything, and it made it difficult for me to have a sense of myself or my reality. About ten years ago I went very low contact with her, which helped me a lot.

Now she is dying. I've come to my sibling's house to help take care of her in her last days. I didn't come for her, but for my siblings as they have needed support which I am able to give. I don't think my mum ever really knew I was there, apart from one time when my sister said I was next to her, and she made a face, and reached out and hit me.

It doesn't help that we've been doing shifts sitting through the night with her and I'm so tired. She's been in pain and been confused and distressed. Finally she is fully sedated and sleeping. I hope she will pass soon. I feel absolutely drained and devastated and I don't know why I even care. A few days ago she was saying how much she loved all her children but I knew that didn't include me. I don't know exactly why I'm posting, except I'm just exhausted and can't say any of this to my family. I'm trying to support them but feel incredibly alone with my own grief.

That sounds so difficult. It sounds like you have done well to separate yourself from her but you are a compassionate person and wanted to help your siblings. This as forced you to confront some of the feelings again which is understandably difficult.

You care because you are mourning the mum you wish you’d had.
Well done for doing this for your sibling. It shows what a kind and caring person you are.
💐

Sending you love and support OP. Dying is a horrible business and you are bound to feel exhausted, aggrieved and confused.

Perhaps you are grieving for something you never had and will now never have? I hope your mother passes comfortably and that you, too find your peace.

Oops posted too soon. Take care of yourself and just acknowledge the situation. You were a young child and she treated you terribly but despite this you have grown up to be a caring person, even to those who have treated you so badly 💐

Oh wow. You are a much nicer person than I am. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope you'll find solace soon

You can mourn for the relationship you had, the one you wished you had, you can mourn for the loss your sibings are feeling. Emotions are never simple and situations like this can often mean we have to face emotions we have ignored or buried for years or decades.

Have you ever talked to your siblings about how your mother treated you, do they recognise that you were treated differently?

Thank you for these kinds words, all of you. It honestly does help to hear them.

Wow op what a shit thing to go through. Do your siblings understand? Sometimes they don't see it or they collude. It's the ultimate rejection isn't it, who wouldn't care? You've been able to distance yourself for a decade and all the better for it, but now it's in your face.

Just wanted to send you a big hug.

I wish you strength in this difficult situation. X

Have you ever talked to your siblings about how your mother treated you, do they recognise that you were treated differently?

They know to an extent. But over the years the story has become that it was "both sides" and obviously now that idea has become entrenched. I don't feel I can really say anything to any of them, but it is hard seeing everyone idealising and loving the woman who hurt me so much. I feel a bit invisible, and once again like I'm invisible and my feelings don't matter. I sound bitter, I know, but that's a hard part of it.

My mum had a very difficult relationship with her own mother, and I know that when my grandma died (over 20 years ago now) she had lots of confused and conflicting emotions. It took her around 7 years to truly move past, but since then she has made peace with her mother and her childhood experiences.

Wishing you that same sense of peace, OP

*invisible and also invisible, lol. I am very tired.

Gosh how hard for you.

You are doing the best you can for someone who did not afford you the same care - but should have.

I’m not sure about supporting your sibling - are they supportive of you ? If not then once this is over retreat to your safe place and support network and take care of you.

Meanwhile be careful that you are not putting everyone else’s needs so much higher than your own (you may have been conditioned to do so given what you said in your op) that you make yourself ill.

X

@beastlyslumber

Have you ever talked to your siblings about how your mother treated you, do they recognise that you were treated differently?

They know to an extent. But over the years the story has become that it was "both sides" and obviously now that idea has become entrenched. I don't feel I can really say anything to any of them, but it is hard seeing everyone idealising and loving the woman who hurt me so much. I feel a bit invisible, and once again like I'm invisible and my feelings don't matter. I sound bitter, I know, but that's a hard part of it.

If you have the option I would encourage you to have therapy when you feel ready. My brother was treated very differently by our parents, nothing was ever good enough, he should always try harder, it didn't matter if he got 100% in a test at school, that still wasn't good enough etc. It left him struggling for years and we are now in our thirties and he had three years of therapy and it has left him in a much happier place. He is no longer burdened with the guilt, shame and inadequacy my parents burned into his psyche, he will never get over it completely, but it does not dominate his life now.

Take care of yourself too during this time. Her death will affect you, no matter how she treated you. You sound like a compassionate and caring person to do what you are doing for her right now. I don't think in a million years I could do it. ❤❤

I think there's probably a little part of you that might have harboured the thought that she'd one day realise how awful she'd been and ask for your forgiveness. Now that she's dying you're realising that that's never going to happen. I suspect you're mourning the loss of a mother and the loss of hope.

For what it's worth, you sound like an incredible person. You have kindness and empathy as well as intelligence and love for your siblings. You have such a big heart and I'm so sorry you're hurting right now.

I'm hoping to go home very soon. I am sure she will die soon (although she's already hung on for way longer than expected) but even if not, she is sleeping now and unlikely to wake again, so everyone will be able to cope without me as she won't need as much care. I'll stay a couple more days. I think mainly I need a lot of sleep before I can really begin to process any of it properly. It does help to talk about how I'm feeling, though, so thank you all.

Oh you poor thing - I'm so sorry you never had the mum you should have had.

You are being extraordinarily kind to help your sibling in this way - can none of the others step up?

I definitely agree that some counselling will help, you need to talk to someone who can help you work through it all.

One of my closest friends is a bloke whose parents doted on the youngest son could (& still can) 'do no wrong' and my friend was/is never good enough. Despite in all measurable ways he is!! But he's very insecure, always trying to prove himself to everyone. Its SO deep seated in him.

Look after yourself!

I hope she passes soon so you can go home. Horrible situation 💐

Hi there - what an awful situation to go through and yet for you to acknowledge and realise that you are only there to support your siblings is going to be helpful in the long run.

A couple of years ago I took my sisters to family mediation in order that they acknowledge (they didn't accept but they listened and heard) that my childhood and the way our 'D'M treats us was / is vastly different. My own 'D'M had the most awful relationship with her own mother / parents, and used me (I can remember being as young as 6 or 7) as a shield in their disputes. So my view of them was tainted.

Upon arriving at the deathbed of my maternal GM, she said "oh no, MahMahMahMahCorona is here. It must be bad." as I hadn't seen her for so long.

Now I realise just how wrong it was of my mother to put me in that position, all the while telling me I was unloved, underwhelming, worthless, a "slag" (I was probably about 12 when she called me that - had no idea what it meant). She's had various hospital admissions over the past few years, and written me some terrible and terribly hurtful emails copying my family, my DF has just had a stroke and she said "well it's not surprising what with Brexit, Trump, your divorce, the Pandemic..." - she still manages to get that knife in and twist it.

For your own peace of mind to be there is incredibly courageous, but please look after yourself and take time out and away for yourself when you need to. You could even suggest that for 24 / 48 hours you want to be in charge of catering for your siblings instead of being in the room with your mother. Just a thought. Take care

There are actually 4 siblings here (including me) but also 3 young kids and another adult with a full time job, and mum can't be left at all, so there's a lot to do. I've been doing most of the cooking and cleaning, but also I seem to get left on my own in the room with her for hours at a time while the others take a break and chat together elsewhere. I feel a bit aggrieved about that, but again, I think my tiredness is exacerbating everything.

I keep thinking she's about to die but now I'm starting to think she never will. She's freakishly strong. She's on an amount of drugs that the nurses keep double-checking because it's so much, and yet after having been deep in sleep for 24 hours she's just woken up and been trying to talk. In my mind I am saying, please die, please just die. There's nothing left to live for. I think it would be hard to see anyone go through this to be honest. I actually admire her fighting spirit but I wish she would just let go.

@MahMahMahMahCorona oh that sounds so hard. Did the family mediation help? With my family it's all just brushed under the carpet really. I think there's a lot of really wanting mum to be a better mum than she is. But also, she did treat me differently to the others, and I suppose it's easier for them to see the good in her.

What you are doing takes a strength of character and courage that I cannot imagine. I hope that when this is all over you can recognise and take strength from that.

Families are all dysfunctional in their own unique way. People are cast in roles that they never deserved or asked for. The fiction of "blame on both sides" is never going to go - it is easier for people to believe that the Mum who was loving and funny and kind with them treated you differently because it was your fault rather than that she was a flawed imperfect human who behaved badly to a child. You can't change that. Maybe therapy or counselling will help you make peace with it.

I hope she passes peacefully soon.

[quote beastlyslumber]@MahMahMahMahCorona oh that sounds so hard. Did the family mediation help? With my family it's all just brushed under the carpet really. I think there's a lot of really wanting mum to be a better mum than she is. But also, she did treat me differently to the others, and I suppose it's easier for them to see the good in her.[/quote]

It helped me, and I think it helped salvage my very broken relationship with my eldest sibling, however there is one in the middle who wears pink spectacles and behaves so obviously like a Flying Monkey, so entitled, so selfish, that I have had to maintain and rebuild firm platinum boundaries as time passes and some parts of the family believe they have the right to regress into telling me how to behave, what to do, how to live my life etc etc.

I totally understand how, in a houseful of people, you can feel so totally alone, so totally isolated. Can you go for a walk or a drive and sit in a café watching the world go by this morning? It almost sounds like they (the other siblings) are expecting you to pick up all the slack by sitting there for hours whilst they do their "far more important than sitting with mother" tasks. Sounds very much like they've taken on her role and you're so conditioned, that's what you expect, how you expect to be treated. Perhaps now is time to stand up and just say "I'm off for a couple of nights and I'll be back on Monday. Let me know if anything changes. Old cow seems to be clinging on for dead life."

This is not your cross to bear. It really isn't. You've done more than enough and far more than a lot of others would.

Just a thought

*dear life. Not dead life. 🤦🏼‍♀️