Why do I care that she's dying?

[beastlyslumber]

My mum taught me that I was worthless and unlovable, that my feelings were stupid and embarrassing, that there was something fundamentally and inherently wrong with me that could never be fixed. I was her scapegoat and she engineered many divisions within the family in order to exclude me. She lied about everything, and it made it difficult for me to have a sense of myself or my reality. About ten years ago I went very low contact with her, which helped me a lot.

Now she is dying. I've come to my sibling's house to help take care of her in her last days. I didn't come for her, but for my siblings as they have needed support which I am able to give. I don't think my mum ever really knew I was there, apart from one time when my sister said I was next to her, and she made a face, and reached out and hit me.

It doesn't help that we've been doing shifts sitting through the night with her and I'm so tired. She's been in pain and been confused and distressed. Finally she is fully sedated and sleeping. I hope she will pass soon. I feel absolutely drained and devastated and I don't know why I even care. A few days ago she was saying how much she loved all her children but I knew that didn't include me. I don't know exactly why I'm posting, except I'm just exhausted and can't say any of this to my family. I'm trying to support them but feel incredibly alone with my own grief.

[quote ILoveMyCaravan]@beastlyslumber it's fairly common for people to die soon after they are left alone in these circumstances. If you feel ready to go home then you should. It sounds like there is more than enough people there to sit with her now. Please put yourself first, no-one else will do that for you.

I have been in a very similar situation and totally sympathise. Be kind to yourself 💐 [/quote]
I was going to say exactly this. It may be that she's hanging on because you're there. Don't drain yourself of everything you have to give, otherwise you'll have nothing to give to yourself

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You are clearly a very good person. I hope you will soon be able to go home

I am so sorry that your mother treated you in such an appalling way , i hope that she was /is filled with regret and shame .
You are a very kind person to care for her at this awful time.
Its probably difficult for your siblings to relate to what went on as their experience of your mother was not the same.
You are feeling like the young child you were longing for the love and everything else you certainly deserved that your cruel mother deprived you of .
Her behaviour to you has deprived both you and very stupidly herself, i feel such anger towards your mother and other mothers who behave in such a cruel way to their own most precious thing, their child .
I hope you take very good care of yourself and find peace , and please know you were not at fault, your mother was .

Sending you love and a big hug beastlyslumber
You sound like an amazing woman, able to do all of this in spite of everything.
Be aware, though, that sometimes awful parents somehow turn into saints after they have died. Happened with my awful PILs. Try to let it go as much as you can. Resentment only hurts the carrier.

beastlyslumber I remember when you posted about your Mum ringing you. I hope you're able to get some rest and take a break. You are doing so well to be there and do all that you are doing.

You sound to be a really warm compassionate and thoughtful person. Your siblings are lucky.

Your mother has treated you badly.
I wonder if this is in her mind somewhere now.

This might sound a little old fashioned- but do you forgive her? Perhaps tell her so- a better ending for you and perhaps it will allow her to leave too.

You don’t have to stay. You’ve done more than anyone else in your position would. It’s ok for you to say “this is too hard now considering what’s happened between us in the past. I need to leave now” and put yourself first for once. I really feel for you. Do you have a counsellor?

[quote myheartskippedabeat]@beastlyslumber

My gran was very poorly with cancer and once the syringe driver goes in to sedate and calm things are a little easier and you know it won't be long

It's so difficult dealing with all these emotions but to go and help your siblings is so kind when your mother hasn't been the best and really demonstrates the kind of person you are

Speak to hospice at home or Marie Curie we had night sitters which were a huge help as you and your siblings need to get rest too x[/quote]
She's been on a syringe driver for two weeks. I'm not joking when I say she is freakishly strong. She is more sedated now but she is just fighting and fighting it still. We've had a couple of nights with a sitter, which has been such a blessing, but obviously they don't have the resources to do every night.

@AviciaJones

I’ve often heard people have gone home from the hospital or just popped out of the room for a minute and their relative has then died. It does seem some people prefer to die alone and it might be why your mother is hanging on.

I have wondered about this. I have to say my siblings are all wonderful in how they are caring for her, but there's no chance they would leave her alone. I agree she might prefer to die alone. I don't think my siblings would be okay with that, though. I just don't think she's ready to go and is fighting it with every breath. I don't know if there's something she feels she needs to do or fix or whether it's just sheer stubbornness.

@Wildheartsease

You sound to be a really warm compassionate and thoughtful person. Your siblings are lucky.

Your mother has treated you badly.
I wonder if this is in her mind somewhere now.

This might sound a little old fashioned- but do you forgive her? Perhaps tell her so- a better ending for you and perhaps it will allow her to leave too.

Honestly I think I am lucky to have my siblings. They don't really understand me or how things are for me, but they are truly kind.

Do I forgive her? I don't really know. It changes from moment to moment. She doesn't think she needs my forgiveness though. If anything, she might be waiting for me to say sorry to her! I don't know. As I say, I don't think she knows I'm here - the only time she acknowledged my existence she physically lashed out at me. She doesn't feel remorse or sorrow, as far as I can tell. I've literally never seen her cry or heard her say sorry. Although that's not strictly true - as she's been dying, she's said sorry a few times, but I'm not sure to whom or for what.

@Bluetrews25

Sending you love and a big hug beastlyslumber You sound like an amazing woman, able to do all of this in spite of everything. Be aware, though, that sometimes awful parents somehow turn into saints after they have died. Happened with my awful PILs. Try to let it go as much as you can. Resentment only hurts the carrier.

Yes, I think this has already happened with my mum, at least with certain family members. I am okay with that and don't feel the need to try and convince them they're wrong. I agree that resentment hurts the carrier and try hard not to be resentful. Being tired makes it harder, though. I've had moments of real hurt and upset. But I suppose that's normal.

I really appreciate everyone's kind messages so very much. I've read your comments over and over in low moments, to feel your support and enjoy the lovely things you've said. I'm so sorry to those who have been through this or similar yourselves, and thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom. I don't think I am such a great person at all - far from it. But it has been lovely to hear such nice things said about me! Thank you so much.

Oh op I just want to give you a hug. You have already done more than she deserved. I hope this final act of kindness helps you in the coming weeks and months.

What an awful situation.
I really hope you can get home soon op.

My best friends mum died 3 years ago from cancer. Only in her 50s. My friend and her sisters had been raised by their dad's because their mother was an alcoholic. They struggled for years and cut her off. It was the best thing for them really. When she got ill they started visiting and cared for her in those final weeks. They are now both in emotional pain and struggle even after 3 years. They just see it very differently now. It's like they regret and they feel guilty. I always say to my friend that she did what was best and what happened to her mum was very sad as addiction is sad for everyone, but you can only do so much for someone and they were little girls with no control over her addiction.

I often don't feel close to my mum. I think she gels better with my sister. She had 4 girls in total and she struggles to relate to 2 of us. Not sure why. But I remember growing up she was useless at emotion. Never expressed love. Never cried. Never hugged us. I don't remember my mum ever wanted mum and daughter time and I had alot of my first experiences due to my friends mum. I started to feel alot more distance with her after having my own children. I just don't like her views. Her attitude. Her lack of effort. The things other people's mums do so naturally my mum never would do. When my babies were born she didn't offer to visit or cook me dinner. I invited her to visit us at that hospital and she declined.

I think you are allowed to feel sad. Perhaps you are grieving and alot of thoughts are in your head right now. Like why? What did I do etc? I believe sometimes even the personalities between mum and daughter cannot work. If she wasn't your mum you wouldn't choose to be her friend if you get me? That's a sad thing to realise and accept. We all want a mum to hug and talk to with warmth and understanding. That's not always the reality for many of us.

Making peace with the fact you are a lovely person who still has love and empathy for your mum despite those differences is important. Realising you haven't done anything wrong. Realising you can't force things and you can't change the way things were. That your mum will love you but perhaps personalities made you both less close.

I've had to find my comfort and support in different people. Friends. Partners. My children. They understand me. They choose me. I can have emotion around them.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's very much about healing for you and this is bound to have brought up alot of deep rooted stuff. You will get there with help and love from those around you. You are a good person. X

Feel for you OP- how tough for you. I hope you’ll be able to look after yourself physically and emotionally through all of this.

@beastlyslumber I just want to reach out and give you a big hug. You truly sound like an amazing, generous person. I'm so sorry your mum could not see you.

Hope the end is soon, and that you can leave without taking all of this pain with you. Perhaps you can privately (even silently) tell your mum what you need to. So that you can leave it there. You deserve to let this go and to be happy. 💐

In my experience if a parent is cruel to a child that child tries hard to appease. My SIL is one of three siblings, the other two were always idolised by the mother yet behaved badly. SIL is lovely, always tried her best but her mother was an absolute snake to her, even being nasty to her on her wedding day. SIL keeps trying - she is now encouraging her mother to move house so SIL can look after her in her old age. I see it all and despise the horrid woman but SIL believes that if she tries very hard to be the perfect daughter that one day her mother will love her.

You sound like a really wonderful person. Far better person than your mum was to you. Maybe on some level your mum could see that and how you still turned out so well despite her, and it pissed her off. I dunno how a mum could do that but you are not alone. A lot of parents out there who are not fit to parent.
Hold your head high. Let the talk of how great a mum she was after she dies wash over you. Don't let her take any more of your headspace than she has already in your life. You are a better person. Good luck with it all. I'm amazed you are such a lovely person.

@GoodnightGrandma

You care because you are mourning the mum you wish you’d had. Well done for doing this for your sibling. It shows what a kind and caring person you are. 💐

This exactly, best wishes to you

Any forgiveness is for your benefit. That will be you putting down your burden of hurt and walking away from it. It's not saying what the other person did is ok, just that you are choosing not to let it affect you any more. You're no longer holding the rope.
It's not easy.

@beastlyslumber

Have you ever talked to your siblings about how your mother treated you, do they recognise that you were treated differently?

They know to an extent. But over the years the story has become that it was "both sides" and obviously now that idea has become entrenched. I don't feel I can really say anything to any of them, but it is hard seeing everyone idealising and loving the woman who hurt me so much. I feel a bit invisible, and once again like I'm invisible and my feelings don't matter. I sound bitter, I know, but that's a hard part of it.

I can empathise totally. My parents are still alive and they divide and rule. You can't address it as 'we are old and dying' -this has been said for the last 30 years. Your mother is vile. Sorry but she is -as are mine -doesn't stop me wanting affection as it is normal to do that. I'm having counselling but it's very difficult to work out which way it's going -we talk a lot. My parents won't see my children -or rather then would if I wasn't there -but a bit like the fact they don't treat me and my siblings the same -they love my eldest but hate the youngest. They are foul.

You are a much nicer person then me, I'd have left when she tried to hit me and told her -how sorry I feel for her than she incapable of being a decent affection and normal mother.

I understand OP. I hate my dad and he’s dying. Very slowly but we think he will have about a year left.

I’ve done all the dutiful stuff and we have all been really supportive of him but he’s been a lifelong bully and I absolutely despise him

Yet I’m so sad that he’s dying!

OP
I had an almost identical experience.
My dad was a troubled soul, but did love and care for my siblings. To me though, he was verbally abusive, resentful, and neglectful. It has caused me so much damage that he treated me so differently.

He died many years ago, and it was a confusing time. I was sad, because our relationship would forever be stuck as it was. Yet at the same time, he didn't leave a hole in my life when he died.

However. At his deathbed I had a moment alone with him. I gathered together the one nice memory he had given me, relayed it and thanked him for it. The look of gratitude in his eyes is one I will never forget. It has been over 2 decades ( I was in my early 20s at the time), and I am so, so glad I did this. It gave both of us some peace.

I still don't endorse what he did to me, but I do recognise he was an incredibly damaged human being.

Since then, my siblings will often talk about missing him and how amazing he was. I ignore.

💐

When my grandmother died, I was totally side swiped at how upset I felt considering the awful relationship we had had all through my life. I was definitely upset at 'what could have been', even more so after talking with my cousin's who had all seen a totally different side of her and had good relationships. You are absolutely mourning the relationship that you never had and facing the reality that there is no chance of ever having. Be kind to yourself first, you deserve it. Talk to your siblings. Tell them that you are feeling left out and struggling too. They might think that as you have spoken about your relationship with your mother, you are the best person to be in there with her- you won't care as much. Big hugs.