Why do I care that she's dying?

[beastlyslumber]

My mum taught me that I was worthless and unlovable, that my feelings were stupid and embarrassing, that there was something fundamentally and inherently wrong with me that could never be fixed. I was her scapegoat and she engineered many divisions within the family in order to exclude me. She lied about everything, and it made it difficult for me to have a sense of myself or my reality. About ten years ago I went very low contact with her, which helped me a lot.

Now she is dying. I've come to my sibling's house to help take care of her in her last days. I didn't come for her, but for my siblings as they have needed support which I am able to give. I don't think my mum ever really knew I was there, apart from one time when my sister said I was next to her, and she made a face, and reached out and hit me.

It doesn't help that we've been doing shifts sitting through the night with her and I'm so tired. She's been in pain and been confused and distressed. Finally she is fully sedated and sleeping. I hope she will pass soon. I feel absolutely drained and devastated and I don't know why I even care. A few days ago she was saying how much she loved all her children but I knew that didn't include me. I don't know exactly why I'm posting, except I'm just exhausted and can't say any of this to my family. I'm trying to support them but feel incredibly alone with my own grief.

She died this morning. Apparently peacefully. Someone was holding her hand.

I don't feel anything at all. I got the call and then just got on with my work. I feel just... nothing.

Ah. I suspect that there will be some pain and tears - grieving for the little girl (and grown woman) who deserved a loving, kind, encouraging, supportive and respectful mother.

I am sorry that you didn’t have a that.

I hope that you can swerve the histrionics of the people left behind when such characters depart - lots of acting out and unhinged behaviour when the centrifugal force of an enmeshed family is removed. What out for flying emotional debris ……

Take care of yourself.

Reach out to trusted close friends.

You may experience a “disenfranchised grief”.

I am sorry for YOU OP.

@DFOD has given great advice.

Avoid any bullshit.
Reach out for support from those that will give it to you.
Be very kind to yourself.

Keep posting.
We are here for you.

There isn't a text book 'grief process'. Maybe
you feel nothing because you've done your grieving already. Maybe it'll hit you later. Maybe you'll just feel angry or relieved. Just don't worry that you need to feel something in particular. Take care OP.

I'm glad that she has now passed peacefully, the waiting is awful.

It's ok that you feel nothing right now. It may be a natural reaction considering the way she treated you, or it may be the shock of her death actually occurring after all this time. Maybe a bit of both.

You are free now, she can't hurt you again.

You may not feel grief in the traditional sense, but it will be a strange time so do be kind to yourself. Tell work what's happened and take a few days to do things for yourself.

I have similar relationship with my mother💔💐 I have no intention of going to any funeral. My dad had a simplicity cremation with no funeral and I'm hoping she sticks to her word and has the same. If not I won't be going as I know my bullying sibling would make it very difficult for me. Remember funerals are for the living, if it will not be good for you and you don't want to simply refuse to go, I recommend developing covid symptoms and have to isolate😘

Glad she has now passed , take care of you now 💐

Sending my thoughts to you.

I hope you're doing okay, I know you had a fractured relationship, but it must feel surreal.

The grief may hit you in strange ways, and may come out of the blue when you least expect it.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Dear OP,

Sending big hugs to you.

I am glad it was peaceful.

It’s bound to be a confusing time and it's totally natural that you are feeling numb right now.

When emotions return, I have found that allowing yourself and giving yourself permission to feel however you feel can be powerful. Give yourself as much acceptance and compassion as you can.

I would keep as much distance (as is possible) from any siblings with issues. Your well-being is a priority.

Thinking of you.

@beastlyslumber - I'm so glad you were home, a safe distance away when it happened.

Take care of yourself - lots of self care - we are all here for you

Thinking of you OP.

You have probably done much of your grieving already. A funeral when it comes will be the opportunity to draw a line and move away from the hurt she burdened you with.

Try to stay civil with your sister if you can. I speak with bitter experience.

I'm sorry for what you're going through op. I'm glad your mums passing was peaceful, we all deserve that.

My estranged mother is terminally ill but not quite dying yet. My brother keeps me up to date, which I appreciate, my sister is also estranged from me due to me not speaking to out mother.

I'm not as good as you, I won't be sitting with her close to the end. She's done enough damage. She even ignored my lovely children who tried to talk to her at my brothers wedding. I also won't be going to her funeral. I have no wish to remember her. These decisions have been made with the in-depth help of my counsellor.

Look after yourself op and allow yourself to feel whatever way you want.
You didn’t have the luxury of having a mum that you could grieve normally for. But at least now you can focus on repairing the damage she did to you

Thanks everyone, for all your kind thoughts. I don't know even if it's that I feel numb - I genuinely don't feel anything about it. I thought I'd be relieved, but I don't feel that. I was scared I would be waylaid by grief, but no. I've just been fine, getting on with my days. I'm starting to feel a bit awkward as everyone is very sympathetic and I'm like, oh don't worry, I'm fine.

Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. Or maybe I'm just over it already. Or maybe I'm a horrible uncaring person.

I haven't heard much from the family and I've not tried to get in touch with anyone. I will go to the funeral, mainly because I want to see the rest of the family and also because I don't want it to become a talking point that I wasn't there. I agree with those who said be careful, and I love the JADE thing, will remember that. But I also have some hope that it could go the other way, that taking this divisive person out of the picture might allow us all to reconnect and reconfigure relationships in a more positive way. That might be a bit over optimistic!

“But I also have some hope that it could go the other way, that taking this divisive person out of the picture might allow us all to reconnect and reconfigure relationships in a more positive way. That might be a bit over optimistic!”

It might do in time - once everyone has gone through years of processing and grief - but it might not - grief often heightens people’s worst default behaviours and that’s when the shit hits the fan and another generation of damage is done. Seems that you are much further on and more enlightened on your emotional journey - stick with that - that’s all that matters. Your siblings may never see or accept your POV / lived experience and maybe theirs was very different to yours as these parents can divide and rule.

I can see that getting hopeful and sucked back into the intensity right now is attractive because it’s familiar - but it’s also very risky. Let the dust settle and your siblings go through their own personal grief and reflections and in time (years!) you may all be on steadier ground.

Take care of you and don’t expose yourself to too much.

Everything @DFOD has written.

There is never one way to go through bereavement.

It all might seem a bit surreal at them moment.

Just be very kind to yourself.

Dunno if anyone will still be around to talk about this but am just finding it very weird that I have NO feelings at all about my mum dying. I went to the funeral and I did shed a tear but not for my mum, rather for my sibling who was very upset. I didn't really recognise the person they were talking about at the funeral. I can honestly say I haven't cried or felt sad or even thought about her at all since she died.

BUT I have been really stressed, anxious and sad about a totally different situation in my life: my car breaking down. And yesterday it occurred to me that maybe I'm displacing all my feelings about my mum onto the situation with my car. Is that a thing?

To be clear, I never expected to be grieving for my mum. But I did think I would find it hard to go through this period. My relationship with my mum has been the determining one of my entire life. Nothing has had a greater negative influence on me. So I thought there would be something going on for me. But no. I feel nothing at all for her, about her, about the situation. I just have no feelings about it. I don't care.

It's not depression or numbness. I care about other things (especially my car!) and so it's not that I've shut down.

Maybe I just really don't care. Maybe it is really, genuinely over?

It tends to be the relationship you had with the person that determines if or to what degree you feel these things after they've gone. I was grief stricken when I lost my mum. I held her hand as she passed. Mum was kind, gentle, loving, thoughtful, friendly, and highly regarded by her friends who still miss her and talk about her ten years later. He closest friend still says to me that she doesn't think she'll ever find another friend like my mum again. If your mum lacked those sort of qualities it's perhaps not surprising you feel the way you do. Maybe it is genuinely over for you. Perhaps you already did your grieving for the person she couldn't be long before she died.

@beastlyslumber I love to think that your mum dying is the one positive thing she has given you - freedom. She no longer has any power over you, and as her death was gradual, you had that time to make peace with the feelings you were experiencing so now, rather than an avalanche of hurt (for all kinds of reasons, many of which wouldn't be obviously understandable), you're able to just quietly embrace a new start that doesn't include her.

You could well be projecting some of your emotion onto the situation with your car which is understandable. After all, you have a degree of control over that whereas with your mum, you had none, including her death.

For what it's worth, I think you're remarkable. You've shown such compassion and care, despite being brought up with next to none. I really hope that this new chapter brings you peace and joy as you've been denied that through your mother's actions. And please, do look to explore counselling options too.

she killed all your feelings for her i think.
dont dwell on it anymore.
she was not a nice mother.

I love to think that your mum dying is the one positive thing she has given you - freedom.

I love this perspective. Thank you so much @BreathingDeep for your words.

Yes, you are all right I think... I think maybe this is okay.

I had a similar experience at my Mother's funeral in that I found it very upsetting seeing my siblings distressed rather than my own grief. It also took me back to my lovely Dad's funeral decades earlier which was hard.

I actually found her death liberating, I used to dread seeing her and dealing with her and never had a good relationship so losing it was very positive.

Hi op, it's definitely a thing to get unusually upset about something else, the emotions are there and can appear out of the blue.

I would think in your situation that any pain and sorrow over how your mum treated you is bound to transpose itself into things you care about.

You love your car, breaking down is very stressful anyway so I can understand it knocking you.

I think you have a very good relationship with yourself and your needs.

I hope you sort the car out xx