Why do I care that she's dying?

[beastlyslumber]

My mum taught me that I was worthless and unlovable, that my feelings were stupid and embarrassing, that there was something fundamentally and inherently wrong with me that could never be fixed. I was her scapegoat and she engineered many divisions within the family in order to exclude me. She lied about everything, and it made it difficult for me to have a sense of myself or my reality. About ten years ago I went very low contact with her, which helped me a lot.

Now she is dying. I've come to my sibling's house to help take care of her in her last days. I didn't come for her, but for my siblings as they have needed support which I am able to give. I don't think my mum ever really knew I was there, apart from one time when my sister said I was next to her, and she made a face, and reached out and hit me.

It doesn't help that we've been doing shifts sitting through the night with her and I'm so tired. She's been in pain and been confused and distressed. Finally she is fully sedated and sleeping. I hope she will pass soon. I feel absolutely drained and devastated and I don't know why I even care. A few days ago she was saying how much she loved all her children but I knew that didn't include me. I don't know exactly why I'm posting, except I'm just exhausted and can't say any of this to my family. I'm trying to support them but feel incredibly alone with my own grief.

You sound kind and lovely OP.

What you are doing is incredibly difficult and shows a lot of courage and strength.

Agree that you need to take care of yourself as much as you can. Your feelings are valid and justified and they absolutely do matter! It might be worth pursuing counselling/therapy when you feel ready.

Although it is probably not the right time at the moment, I found Pete Walker very helpful, he has written a couple of books and helps people who have experienced difficult childhoods. It might be worth looking at in the future.

Thank you for the support and recommendations. I can't really go home and come back easily as it's a six hour drive. So am here until I leave. At the moment am hoping I'll be able to go on Monday or Tuesday. Hopefully mum will have passed by then anyway. Not really sure how she's managed to hang on so long.

Sending you a big unMumsnetty hug beastlyslumber. I have a similar family dynamic so my heart goes out to you. What a good kind person you are. Be exceptionally kind and gentle to yourself - both now and later when your Mum passes away.

I feel for you OP and hope you are ok. My situation sounds exactly like yours but my mum is elderly and death will come soon. My mum has already told me I'm cut out the will I couldn't believe someone could stretch the scapegoat model to this extent but I can't do anything.

Perhaps you can take some time to consider yourself in all of this. One thing ive really invested in since going nc with my mum was boosting my own self esteem since it was destroyed by my mother.
Even small things like taking ten minutes with a tea and saying good things about myself in my head everyday help remind me I am worthy I am ok I'm not who I was made out to be.
Sending you strength

Just riffing on what Purplebooks has said above, I think when you have a parent like this you need to be a 'good parent' to yourself. Be the nuturing parent that you didn't get. Encourage yourself, reframe the negative voice that has developed, step out and engage in the world as someone who is valuable and unique.

My maternal grandmother, who was loving and kind and not at all a troublemaker, pulled me aside when I was 15 and said to me 'I don't know why your mother treats you the way she does but there is something wrong and the problem is not you. Make sure you get away from her when you get older'. I always remembered her words - they were the most important words anyone has ever uttered to me. I spent my twenties trying to make the relationship with my mother work and we finally were no contact in my forties.

For whatever reason some people place others in roles and don't treat them on their own merits. It's very hard to deal with. Sending you strength too.

The end of life care of a dying parent is a final graduation or initiation into adulthood and independence.

I did that for my mother and DH;s father. My sister and SIL took no part in either and in the many decades since, I've seen that they were the losers.

   In time to come, you'll understand and appreciate  the value of what you did for your mother. She didn't come up to the mark; you do.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate every single message on this thread. You're all so kind

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. It's a very confusing time.

My own mother was difficult too due to some very serious mental health issues that she wasn't getting proper treatment for. She died earlier this year.

She treated my sister particularly badly over the years. I've had therapy but my sister preferred not to talk about it and basically "fake it til you make it." She had a really hard time in the months afterwards and came close to a breakdown. She has now finally gone to the GP for help, and she'll be starting counselling soon. So I definitely agree with other PPs that therapy would be really helpful for you.

You're grieving the mum you should have had, and dealing with your siblings having a totally different view of her. It's not easy and you're doing an incredible thing by being there. Make sure you take care of yourself and lean on people you can trust.

So so sorry you are in this situation

Please speak up and say " I really need some sleep , can we organise the night shift "

I also hope she passes soon so she will finally be at rest and you can begin to process your feelings

As said previously you are mourning the mum you wanted and now will never have , she's not made peace with you ever but perhaps you can unburden some of your pain for her to take with her ?
Sit while it's quiet and silently tell her everything she has done , how she's made you feel, how your life has been affected and then say " it's done now mum , goodbye "

Take care of you 💐

I had a similar situation OP. My sister was a terrible alcoholic (as in violet, nasty and completely unlovable when drunk which she was most of the time, day and night. I cut off from her to protect my children from her and found life much easier to deal with. My mum was always in contact with her, and i supported my mum.

She died in the end, about 5 years ago. My mum was devastated and i felt i had no right to be so i buried it with doing the practical tasks of organising the funeral, registering the death etc, so that our mum didn't have to.

But inside i was always so so sad. I couldn't even think about her without crying, even though sh'ed made all our lives so miserable for so long and i was relieved when she died. I ended up so low i had counselling. It made me realise that it ultimately wasn't about her death, but i was mourning the loss of a sister who i'd never been able to have a sisterly relationship with, which i had always desperately wanted.

Do you think that is why you care so much? Not about her and who she is, but about the fact that she as a mother has never been the mother you wanted and deserved and now will never be. You're mourning that relationship that never happened, not the death of a loved and cherished mother.

My upbringing sounds very similar to yours, OP.

My only sibling and I have been NC for nearly a decade and I won't be offering any support on her deathbed. She made her choices many years ago.

I expect to have very mixed feelings when she dies. Relief, I suppose, and guilt that I feel that relief, but also a great sadness that I won't have a mum to miss, that she was never the mum either my sibling or I needed, and a certainty that it will never be resolved because there is always the small hope that one day she will reach out and make amends. It would have to be her who reached out because we both tried to forge a positive relationship with her many times, and over many years, before going NC and she reacted with hostility and cruelty each time.

My maternal grandmother, who was loving and kind and not at all a troublemaker, pulled me aside when I was 15 and said to me 'I don't know why your mother treats you the way she does but there is something wrong and the problem is not you. Make sure you get away from her when you get older'. I always remembered her words - they were the most important words anyone has ever uttered to me.

I wish I'd had someone to say that to me. I feel like no one ever saw what was going on, and those who did ignored or minimised it. I was very lonely as a child and teenager and I did do a lot of attention-seeking behaviour, which never worked anyway, just consolidated the idea that I was a troublesome person. I remember being really quite little and very upset, doing that uncontrollable sobbing thing, and my mum telling me I wasn't really crying, I was putting it on, and that I needed to go to my room and not come down until I could be 'sensible'. I guess that idea has been really ingrained in me. I feel like I can't have any emotions in front of my family, especially not any 'negative' ones.

Do you think that is why you care so much? Not about her and who she is, but about the fact that she as a mother has never been the mother you wanted and deserved and now will never be. You're mourning that relationship that never happened, not the death of a loved and cherished mother.*

Yes I think that's part of it. But that's something I thought I'd already understood and grieved for over and over already. I think it's being confronted with it all, and like you said, feeling so sad but also feeling like I don't really have a right to my sadness. It will be a relief when she dies, for many reasons. Right now, there's an immediate feeling that I want her to be out of her suffering and for all of us to be able to live/sleep again. But I also anticipate feeling a great relief when she goes that the whole thing is finally over.

Sorry, bold fail there

perhaps you can unburden some of your pain for her to take with her?

I can't. Everything bounces off her and back onto me. Whenever I tried, in the past, to talk to her about any of this stuff, it always ended with me being even more hurt and things being worse than before. However it came to me, I feel like it's my pain to deal with now. I just want her to go. She is struggling and fighting with something, and I don't want to add to her burden, whatever it may be. I wish I could take it from her really, so she could go. I'm beginning to think that maybe it's me: maybe she won't die while I'm here because then I would 'win'? Not sure she knows I'm even here, but maybe on some level she does. I don't know. Maybe that's silly. Or maybe I'm just making things up to justify wanting to leave and go home.

@beastlyslumber I meant silently, not verbally to her

In your mind , offload it all

It may help you later
Sorry I can't explain very well

@beastlyslumber

My gran was very poorly with cancer and once the syringe driver goes in to sedate and calm things are a little easier and you know it won't be long

It's so difficult dealing with all these emotions but to go and help your siblings is so kind when your mother hasn't been the best and really demonstrates the kind of person you are

Speak to hospice at home or Marie Curie we had night sitters which were a huge help as you and your siblings need to get rest too x

@beastlyslumber it's fairly common for people to die soon after they are left alone in these circumstances. If you feel ready to go home then you should. It sounds like there is more than enough people there to sit with her now. Please put yourself first, no-one else will do that for you.

I have been in a very similar situation and totally sympathise. Be kind to yourself 💐

I'm so very sorry for this living hell you are going through. I wish your mother a peaceful passing and I wish you happiness and a good life to follow xxx

You care because you're kind, being where you are now is evidence of that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how you feel. I hope your mum passes peacefully.

Do you think you'd be able to read out these posts to her? You don't have to put any emotion into it, just read it out as fact. It might give you some closure and as the words are already there you won't need to delve any deeper into it. It's unlikely she'll understand what you're saying if she can hear you, so it won't cause her any harm.

Maybe you care so much because you know this is the end, she has no opportunity to change and look after you now? I felt it with my mother, I'd been holding out hope that she'd be a different person one day, and when she passed away it was complete confirmation that there was no hope. She died a bad person and that upset me most.

I hope you can get some rest, and when she's gone you find your peace. We're here for you

I’ve often heard people have gone home from the hospital or just popped out of the room for a minute and their relative has then died. It does seem some people prefer to die alone and it might be why your mother is hanging on.

@GoodnightGrandma

You care because you are mourning the mum you wish you’d had. Well done for doing this for your sibling. It shows what a kind and caring person you are. 💐

Exactly.

You don’t need to stay if it’s too much 💔

Very similar dynamic here. My mother died last year but I was an only child. She always alternated between suffocating needy love (control?) of me or despising me - I never knew, even as a child, what mother I would experience each day. She loved to tell me that one day when she was dead and gone I would regret the way I treated her. In other words, I wouldn’t play the game she wanted it and pander to her manipulations. I know think she was probably NPD as others often fell for her charm and never saw the angry and spiteful side to her whereas in private she could be vicious, both to me and about her so called friends.

When she became old and ill, I did the ‘right thing’ I took charge of her affairs, ensured her bills were paid and that she had decent care. There was no way I could have looked after her myself as I had far too much baggage and damage from her treatment of me and I know I just wouldn’t have had the patience with her because of it,

You are absolutely amazing. However your mother has behaved towards you, you are a far, far better person. She has missed out so much on ruining her relationship with you and she is the absolute loser. You have risen far above her and should have a totally clear conscience. Without over analysing it and without knowing the personalities involved, I suspect her resentment of you was because she quite likely saw these qualities in you and was consumed with envy.

Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs. Take care. X