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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I care that she's dying?

149 replies

beastlyslumber · 16/10/2021 08:07

My mum taught me that I was worthless and unlovable, that my feelings were stupid and embarrassing, that there was something fundamentally and inherently wrong with me that could never be fixed. I was her scapegoat and she engineered many divisions within the family in order to exclude me. She lied about everything, and it made it difficult for me to have a sense of myself or my reality. About ten years ago I went very low contact with her, which helped me a lot.

Now she is dying. I've come to my sibling's house to help take care of her in her last days. I didn't come for her, but for my siblings as they have needed support which I am able to give. I don't think my mum ever really knew I was there, apart from one time when my sister said I was next to her, and she made a face, and reached out and hit me.

It doesn't help that we've been doing shifts sitting through the night with her and I'm so tired. She's been in pain and been confused and distressed. Finally she is fully sedated and sleeping. I hope she will pass soon. I feel absolutely drained and devastated and I don't know why I even care. A few days ago she was saying how much she loved all her children but I knew that didn't include me. I don't know exactly why I'm posting, except I'm just exhausted and can't say any of this to my family. I'm trying to support them but feel incredibly alone with my own grief.

OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 17/10/2021 08:48

You are being the better person here.
I would not travel out of the country to see my father in his last decline. I had several years earlier to say my goodbyes because I had already decided not to visit again.
At his memorial I felt so overwhelmed when family started saying their memories of how lovely and warm he was and all I could think was why could he not show me a bit of that side of him?
Please don’t let your family leave you for hours , after one single hour, go down and say it’s someone else’s turn. If you do it all, they will let you.
I second therapy, I felt a lot less bitter afterwards and enjoy my own life more. You are doing so well.🌻

seriousandloyal · 17/10/2021 08:49

I am so sorry for you OP, you deserved so much better from your mother and family. You are a very kind and dutiful person. Wishing you strength to get through this time.

longtompot · 17/10/2021 12:07

@BlatheringOn

In my experience if a parent is cruel to a child that child tries hard to appease. My SIL is one of three siblings, the other two were always idolised by the mother yet behaved badly. SIL is lovely, always tried her best but her mother was an absolute snake to her, even being nasty to her on her wedding day. SIL keeps trying - she is now encouraging her mother to move house so SIL can look after her in her old age. I see it all and despise the horrid woman but SIL believes that if she tries very hard to be the perfect daughter that one day her mother will love her.
Oh, your poor sil :( I hope she finds her peace one day.

I was sad when my mil died. Not because she died, but because I wish my dh had the sort of mum most other people have. Same with his dad. Despite hating him, he still went round to his house to clean up after him, and deal with all his other life admin stuff which he no longer could be bothered/ too drunk to do. It feels a relief for him to no longer have to deal with either of them. No more vile phone calls, no more dreaded visits. No more them pretending they are lovely people, until the first bottle of wine has been drunk.

I hope you find some peace @beastlyslumber I think if it were me sat there for hours with a mother I knew who didn't feel the same way about me as she did my siblings, I might be telling her about some of it, as a cathartic thing. You can't tell her after she has gone.

Wildheartsease · 17/10/2021 14:52

Forgiveness is not obligatory - not in the circumstances you describe. However, I note that the actions you are taking are those of someone who is forgiving the wrongs done. You are the better person here.

When you sit with her - do you tell her about what she has done and how you feel about it? Would it make things worse (for you) to put them into words?

Thinking of you Flowers

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 17/10/2021 15:16

I don't say anything much really. A few years ago I think I would have jumped at the opportunity to reel off all the ways she harmed me and everything I felt about it. Now I just don't see the point. She is gone - I mean, not quite, but her ability to respond to any of that is gone. It just feels cruel to be anything other than patient, even if I don't always feel that way inside.

To the people mentioning counselling or therapy, I have had some in the past. I had a really good therapist when I went VLC with mum. She helped a lot. I did start seeing someone recently but they didn't understand my family at all and found it quite hard to believe that my mother didn't love me etc. So I gave up on that. I don't know if I do want to talk to anyone now. It's such a lot of hard work and it's not like anything can change for me now.

OP posts:
HowardNoir · 17/10/2021 15:29

Therapy and therapists can be so hit or miss. You might find in the future some form of counselling might help, it's less intense than therapy and will allow you to clear your mind if needed. Hopefully your current situation will provide some closure.

I think you're a very strong person for not wanting to risk causing harm to your mum. And even if you don't believe you're a great person, you certainly seem to be to us.

longtompot · 17/10/2021 15:45

Now I just don't see the point. She is gone - I mean, not quite, but her ability to respond to any of that is gone. It just feels cruel to be anything other than patient, even if I don't always feel that way inside.

I don't think it's cruel, and the fact she can't respond and minimise how she has acted I think it might help you get some, well, closure for want of a better word. I'm not saying lay into her, but it's your last chance to tell her some things.

Sakura7 · 17/10/2021 16:05

I did start seeing someone recently but they didn't understand my family at all and found it quite hard to believe that my mother didn't love me etc.

Bloody hell, that person should not be a therapist. What an idiot.

There are good ones out there. No they won't change your situation, but they can help you process it and help you heal from the damage that was done in the past. Something to think about for the future, if not now.

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 18/10/2021 10:35

I think therapy or counselling can be useful if you find the right person. But that involves a lot of time, effort, money and tbh at the moment nearly everyone is on zoom, which doesn't work for me. I want to be in the room with someone so there is more communication possible. But I think I am fine, or will be fine. Maybe it'll all hit me differently once she actually dies, but right now I feel like a few decent nights' sleep and being back in my own space will be enough to sort me out.

I've been dealing with this my whole life so it's not like these are new ideas for me in any way. Just a lot of it in my face at once, I suppose.

Again, I really appreciate everyone's kind words and support. It has really helped so very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
beastlyslumber · 20/10/2021 04:35

So I think I will be going home today, even though mum is still clinging on. She hasn't had any liquids for nearly a week but she's still going. I had been thinking I'd stay until she passes but then last night one of my sisters started yelling at me and speaking to me in the most horrible way. It was because she had misheard or misunderstood something I'd said, but she would let me speak and properly laid into me. It upset me so much that I couldn't sleep and got up for my shift in the middle of the night feeling absolutely devastated, exhausted and just DONE. It's been hard enough to deal with everything when everyone was trying to be supportive of each other. But now I just can't. My sister is the golden child and has a history of being very selfish and controlling. She is acting as though nothing has happened, as if she has a right to speak to me however she likes and it would be weird of me to have a problem with it. There's no point trying to talk to her because she will just start screaming and shouting. She has used this tactic to get her own way for as long as I can remember. It's very effective, because people don't want to be in a fight and so just let her have her way. Well, that's fine, she can do what she likes, but I don't have to hang around to be her emotional punchbag. I'm looking forward to getting some sleep, too. I have a feeling mum will die as soon as I leave.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/10/2021 04:41

I think it would be a good idea to go home now.Your sister sounds absolutely horrible. Do you think you'll see much of her when your mum dies? 💐

bluebellYellow · 20/10/2021 06:46

Go home op. You have done more than enough. Take care, you're a good person Thanks

MyOtherProfile · 20/10/2021 06:56

I agree, time to go home. Do you have your own family at home to be with?

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 20/10/2021 07:15

@HollowTalk

I think it would be a good idea to go home now.Your sister sounds absolutely horrible. Do you think you'll see much of her when your mum dies? 💐
I feel a bit sorry for her because she was spoilt and made to feel superior by mum. She is not all bad. But I won't be bullied. She did this across mum's deathbed which was distressing for mum and others too. I just can't deal with her. I am grey rocking her now and will do that forever if needs be. No more being bullied by family members for me.
OP posts:
Rainbowheart1 · 20/10/2021 07:18

You care because it’s done now, you will never get the mum you should have had and deserved, she robbed you of that and your tiredness is playing with your emotions.

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 20/10/2021 07:22

Yes definitely time for me to go home. Not got family to go back to (long story, you can probably guess some of it) but I am looking forward to being back in my own space and sleeping more than a few hours a day! I'm glad I came but it has been very hard. In a way I wonder if I even have the 'right' to be here when she dies. Anyway, I am expecting her to pass maybe hours after I leave. I have the feeling she is waiting for me to go.

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 20/10/2021 07:36

I’m sorry OP. I lost my mum 13 years ago and the feeling is unimaginable until you go through it yourself. But she was my best friend so I experience very different grief. But I do beat myself often about little things I got wrong over the years, even though she always forgave and looked forward. So I can relate to that pain very well. Bottom line is you have been the bigger person throughout and followed that through until the end and I truly hope that helps you move forward in your life.

MyOtherProfile · 20/10/2021 07:43

I don't know if you have done this already but if I were you I would have one final talk with her on my own before leaving. Not to have a go but just to acknowledge how she has treated you, to get it off your chest and leave it with her. Then say goodbye and walk away.

Candleabra · 20/10/2021 09:46

I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult position. I think you have been the bigger person here, but don’t expect any thanks for it. Your sister sounds horrible, and I think the family dynamic of you as the outcast is about more than just your mother. You can’t win in these situations.

Please take care to protect yourself in the coming days. Look after yourself. Don’t allow your family to trample on your feelings.

Notmoresugar · 20/10/2021 09:56

You might find that when she dies a whole weight will lift from your shoulders. It's like a feeling of being completely released from the damaged person. I really hope for your sake that it does.

And don't worry if you don't feel bad or sad that she's died, it's perfectly normal under your circumstances.

Wishing you all the very best x

MahMahMahMahCorona · 20/10/2021 09:57

I am so sorry to hear about your sister @beastlyslumber. The irony is that she has - through the soon to be departure of your mother - moved into your mother's role of undermining you, making you feel even more isolated, even more alone in your family dynamic. You say she is the drama llama of the family who would scream the loudest if she didn't get her own way? In my family dynamic that is my mother, and indeed the flying monkey of the family, the golden, who treats everyone appallingly and yet gets away with it all the time. Very selfish, very entitled (I think I mentioned in a previous post on this thread).

You've absolutely done the right thing by deciding to leave - to preserve your own health, physical and mental.

Take care of yourself, take time to heal, and turn your phone off for the 6 hour journey home so you don't even have the option to turn back and return when they call to say "she's taken a turn for the worst, can you come back?"

That's what mine did to me over the summer with my DF. I'm just so glad I didn't turn around. (He didn't die. A stroke.)

Notmoresugar · 20/10/2021 09:59

MyOtherProfile Wed 20-Oct-21 07:43:28
I don't know if you have done this already but if I were you I would have one final talk with her on my own before leaving. Not to have a go but just to acknowledge how she has treated you, to get it off your chest and leave it with her. Then say goodbye and walk away.

This ^^

Original poster
beastlyslumber · 20/10/2021 10:07

I don't feel the need to say anything to her. I thought I would but I really don't. I am just going to say goodbye and leave it at that. There's nothing to say that will change anything and on the off-chance that she understands what people are saying to her, I don't want to leave her with anything negative. I'd like her to slip away peacefully. I do understand why people are suggesting it though. Tbh it is enough that she will be gone and it will all be over.

OP posts:
hazelgrey · 20/10/2021 11:45

Take care of you lovely
Get home and get some nice food and a good sleep 💐

Movinghouseatlast · 20/10/2021 13:47

Grief can be for the missed opportunities, the missed relationship, sadness for what should have been.

I have been in that position and it is hard.

You have been so amazing and selfless with what you are doing. Clearly the horrible treatment you have been given hasn't turned you into a bad person!

Look after yourself.

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