Why do I care that she's dying?

[beastlyslumber]

My mum taught me that I was worthless and unlovable, that my feelings were stupid and embarrassing, that there was something fundamentally and inherently wrong with me that could never be fixed. I was her scapegoat and she engineered many divisions within the family in order to exclude me. She lied about everything, and it made it difficult for me to have a sense of myself or my reality. About ten years ago I went very low contact with her, which helped me a lot.

Now she is dying. I've come to my sibling's house to help take care of her in her last days. I didn't come for her, but for my siblings as they have needed support which I am able to give. I don't think my mum ever really knew I was there, apart from one time when my sister said I was next to her, and she made a face, and reached out and hit me.

It doesn't help that we've been doing shifts sitting through the night with her and I'm so tired. She's been in pain and been confused and distressed. Finally she is fully sedated and sleeping. I hope she will pass soon. I feel absolutely drained and devastated and I don't know why I even care. A few days ago she was saying how much she loved all her children but I knew that didn't include me. I don't know exactly why I'm posting, except I'm just exhausted and can't say any of this to my family. I'm trying to support them but feel incredibly alone with my own grief.

@beastlyslumber

I don't feel the need to say anything to her. I thought I would but I really don't. I am just going to say goodbye and leave it at that. There's nothing to say that will change anything and on the off-chance that she understands what people are saying to her, I don't want to leave her with anything negative. I'd like her to slip away peacefully. I do understand why people are suggesting it though. Tbh it is enough that she will be gone and it will all be over.

Makes perfect sense, no need to say something for the sake of it. You know now that you are done and have drawn a line under it. Doesn't mean there won't be some tough moments ahead, but it won't be the kind of devastating grief you would have for a loving parent. And as a PP has said, you are now free from her damaging behaviour.

Definitely keep some distance from your sister, sounds dreadful.

I hope you're home safely - we are all here if you need a sit down and a glass of something or a large bar of chocolate, or cake.

Thank you so much everyone. This thread has been keeping me sane!
I'm home now, which is lovely, and looking forward to catching up on some sleep. I feel a bit guilty for leaving but I think it was the right thing to do - I just didn't want to stay after my sister had been so horrible. Even if she'd just acknowledged it and said okay, let's talk about it later, that would have been fine with me. But I think it's so controlling and bullying, really, to put someone in a position where they have to accept verbal abuse or risk starting a huge fight which would upset everyone. I know she is really tired and grieving in a more straightforward way than I am. But anyway. It's done now.

Doesn't mean there won't be some tough moments ahead, but it won't be the kind of devastating grief you would have for a loving parent. And as a PP has said, you are now free from her damaging behaviour.

I feel like I've been grieving for my mum my whole life. When I was little she told me she didn't love me, and it completely broke my heart. I've never got over it. Obviously that wasn't the only thing, but it came back to me so hard this last couple of weeks, looking at my niece who's that age and very like me in terms of being clever and sensitive, and just thinking, how could you do that to a little girl? So, I don't know, I'm definitely grieving, but not in a straightforward way, and not simply for the loss of a parent, but for the loss of a whole potential other life, really. I wonder what I could have done or been had I had a mum who loved me and supported me. I wonder what it would have been like to have that sense of self-worth and security of having someone there for me. I was left alone to fend for myself emotionally from a very young age and I am grieving over that too. But yes, I do think there will be some relief and a sense of freedom when she finally goes.

Sending peace and solidarity to you, OP - I went through a very similar situation recently, and it's horrible.

What I found really difficult afterwards was everyone else coming out of the woodwork and reminiscing about how nice DF was to them, which just felt like a slap in the face to me. Plus DB enjoying happy memories from our childhood and being annoyed with me for not joining in with the joyous gushing over how wonderful 'our' childhood was.

The other thing that was really hard is other people saying "oh, he loved you so much, he was always talking about you" and basically suggesting that I was mistaken in my feelings. It seems he was very complimentary about me behind my back - just a shame he acted like I was a piece of shit to my face!

DB is still unbelievably angry with me for putting my own MH before supporting the family and for not grieving in the required way. But I had years of having to put my parents' emotional needs before my own and to take all the abuse on the chin, so while everyone was judging me for being the horrible selfish daughter who wasn't there when DF died, I absolutely stand by my decision.

Brace yourself for the next stage, OP - it will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

Hope you've managed to get some rest and some headspace and that you're taking care of yourself

Really glad to hear that you have returned home and no longer have to endure being in that situation OP. You truly have done more than enough and it sounds as though it was becoming untenable with your sister's behaviour on top of everything else.

How you have dealt with everything is a testament to your courage and to yourself.

How you have dealt with everything is a testament to your courage and to yourself.

That is such a lovely thing to say. But I've just been sitting here reading MN in my pyjamas all morning while eating an entire cake. So not feeling anything very positive about myself at the moment.

I agree though it was definitely time to leave. For one thing, mum still hasn't died. How long does it take to die? She hasn't had any liquids for maybe seven days?

@LonginesPrime

Sending peace and solidarity to you, OP - I went through a very similar situation recently, and it's horrible.

What I found really difficult afterwards was everyone else coming out of the woodwork and reminiscing about how nice DF was to them, which just felt like a slap in the face to me. Plus DB enjoying happy memories from our childhood and being annoyed with me for not joining in with the joyous gushing over how wonderful 'our' childhood was.

The other thing that was really hard is other people saying "oh, he loved you so much, he was always talking about you" and basically suggesting that I was mistaken in my feelings. It seems he was very complimentary about me behind my back - just a shame he acted like I was a piece of shit to my face!

DB is still unbelievably angry with me for putting my own MH before supporting the family and for not grieving in the required way. But I had years of having to put my parents' emotional needs before my own and to take all the abuse on the chin, so while everyone was judging me for being the horrible selfish daughter who wasn't there when DF died, I absolutely stand by my decision.

Brace yourself for the next stage, OP - it will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

So sorry to hear this. That sounds horrible and difficult, and so hurtful when family put the blame on the victim. You were right to stand by your decision, and I'm just sorry that you've been put in that position in the first place. It's not fair.

I have to admit I have definitely made it clear that I don't go along with the new narrative of what an angel mum was to us all. I've not gone all in, but I've not lied, and I've made a few simple statements when they've been in context, like saying 'she was a shit mum to me' without going into detail or getting involved in a discussion about it - just stating it as a neutral fact. I can see that it makes people uncomfortable, but not everyone. To some people's credit they acknowledge or at least allow it to be said.

I think my sister will be much like your brother in terms of directing her anger at me. She was the golden child and very spoilt, and I think it has done her harm in some ways.

As for the "oh he loved you so much" thing - I get that ALL THE TIME. From family, friends and even strangers on here! I posted before about my mum not having long to live and got loads of people telling me "she loved you really". No. She wanted other people to think she was a good mum - it's very different.

I suppose ultimately her death is the end of all that. I'm not going to play into any more unhealthy family dynamics. I want to support my siblings but I won't accept lies or abuse. I'm not going to stand up at the funeral and interrupt someone's speech about her, but I'm also not going to lie or pretend to make people feel comfortable. So, we'll see how that goes down!

@beastlyslumber I admire you and wish you contentment as you move on in life.

How long does it take to die? She hasn't had any liquids for maybe seven days?

Hard to say. My uncle died within 48 hours of fluids being withdrawn, but FIL hung on for just over 2 weeks.

Sending you a handhold

She wanted other people to think she was a good mum - it's very different.

I know what you mean, OP - it's so draining carrying that dark and painful secret around with you your whole life.

I found that far from being the end, DF's passing solidified things so that he became a saint and I was forced to keep the secret that he wasn't. Not least because family couldn't deal with the truth and other people seem to find it a really odd situation and struggle to believe it.

At least you'll end up knowing where you stand with people either way, and it's great that you're not going to pander to them. Stay strong!

My thoughts are, I think it would be helpful to you, to tell your mother, that you forgive her. It might not be what you are feeling, but it might help let go of the pain. Also, I told my parents, that it was ok to let go.
It helped me. I hope that your mother has a peaceful passing.
Look after yourself. So sorry this is your situation.

You sound like a great woman.

Well done for not accepting your sister's bullshit.

Your mother was a nasty horror but you may feel sad for tge finality of her death and grieve that she remained a nasty bitch to the very end.

Once those feelings subside, you will move on.

You are under no obligation to answer any question about your mother anything other than truthfully.

She was an awful mother who never threw you a minutes kindness in your life.

That is all on her.

Mind yourself OP

Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it. I know that for many of you, your wisdom and understanding comes from your own experiences of pain, hurt, abuse and rejection. You all deserved better. You all deserved to be loved, and are worthy of love just because you are. I really, really thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me. It's helped so much.

Ahhh I think mum might never die at this rate! I actually admire her physical strength and tenacity. I definitely can see her fighting spirit and that's something positive I can hold on to.

You really don’t have to support your siblings - you have to focus entirely on yourself now.

Please do whatever it takes. I would be very careful around your grieving family - it changes people in many unexpected ways. Emotions are very heightened, fractious, reactive and volatile. Everyone can trigger everyone else. I personally would keep out of the way as much as possible and detach emotionally at the times you have to be in their company. Grey rock everyone and everything because this is not the time or the place where you will get closure or be understood. You could get deeply hurt. I would keep a distance for at least a year.

As your DM was such a force her passing with throw your enmeshed family dynamics right up in the air - there will be fallouts all over the place - stand well back.

Look out for your own emotional journey - it doesn’t need to be heard, agreed or validated by them. Don’t give them that power to define your reality.

Your family system will now be very unstable and your siblings will sub consciously be seeking a scapegoat to lean on - don’t wander into that trap.

That's good advice DFOD, thank you. I have always been the family scapegoat so I am definitely aware that this will likely be the role I'm assigned now, with mum being the golden person who "maybe wasn't perfect but was fundamentally good". We'll see how it goes. I suspect that I am not the only one who will feel some measure of relief on her passing - but maybe I'm the only one able to be honest about that. So I think possibly I could become the repository for everyone else's negative feelings about mum. They'll put them all on me so they can have "good" feelings.

Like you say, it's a lot of stuff that's going to get thrown up in the air. I think I will be able to keep my head, though. I hope so!

My only advice would be to interrupt any attempts made by anyone to involve you in the angel mum narrative. Keep repeating she was horrible to you all your life and you were there only to help siblings, not her.
You can stop talking and walk away from anyone who is mean to you at any time. Funeral, death bed.. Doesn't matter. Don't let them torture you

You can stop talking and walk away from anyone who is mean to you at any time. Funeral, death bed.. Doesn't matter. Don't let them torture you

Yes, definitely. As soon as my sister laid into me, I was done. I'm not accepting that treatment from anyone.

Seriously these people will be exhausted and emotional - a very dangerous combination. It will be like land minds going off in the most unexpected areas - let it be amongst all of them don’t walk into it. If they try to drag you into drama and recriminations with blame and shame - don’t get drawn in just say quietly walk away or say “Stop - I am not going to have this conversation”

This will get very messy for years IME. Do your healing elsewhere - you won’t get closure from others within the toxic system.

mines

My siblings and I all had very different relationships with my (narcissistic) Mother. I did detach totally from the beloved Mum narrative following her death, despite having temptation to blurt something out, I didn't and that was helpful to me and them.
I hope your Mother goes soon, the waiting is awful.

I wonder what I could have done or been had I had a mum who loved me and supported me. I wonder what it would have been like to have that sense of self-worth and security of having someone there for me.
You will tie yourself in knots with this. Don't go there. You need to make peace with who and what you are.
You asked how long it takes to die. My nan took 12 days (after a massive stroke) with no fluids. She was quite a stubborn old bat too.

My only advice would be to interrupt any attempts made by anyone to involve you in the angel mum narrative. Keep repeating she was horrible to you all your life and you were there only to help siblings, not her.
You can stop talking and walk away from anyone who is mean to you at any time.

Yes, and I'd go even further and say don't even try to engage with them or explain your perspective at all to them in the first place.

Just keep telling yourself that you don't owe them an explanation for anything, and you're entitled to your own boundaries set by you, not them.

If they don't understand you or if they judge you based on their own perspective, just remind yourself that they don't know you. No-one's entitled to access to your inner world and thoughts without your permission.

@LonginesPrime

My only advice would be to interrupt any attempts made by anyone to involve you in the angel mum narrative. Keep repeating she was horrible to you all your life and you were there only to help siblings, not her. You can stop talking and walk away from anyone who is mean to you at any time.

Yes, and I'd go even further and say don't even try to engage with them or explain your perspective at all to them in the first place.

Just keep telling yourself that you don't owe them an explanation for anything, and you're entitled to your own boundaries set by you, not them.

If they don't understand you or if they judge you based on their own perspective, just remind yourself that they don't know you. No-one's entitled to access to your inner world and thoughts without your permission.

Think this is a sound approach never feel the need to “JADE” your feelings or decisions to anyone - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

It’s v freeing when you hold the power to validate yourself and you don’t hand it over to others. People who care for you are accepting. People who are not accepting you don’t need in your life.,