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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped, but want him back. Should I reach out?

160 replies

easyonme · 15/10/2021 10:39

A few days ago, my boyfriend dumped me. I am devastated. His reason was that he felt something was missing in our relationship. He’d thought about it a lot but thinks that I am the perfect girlfriend, but not the perfect girlfriend for him.

I am confused, hurt, and shocked. He was the perfect man for me.

I really miss him. I just want a cuddle from him.

I’ve written him a letter explaining how I feel that he’s made a mistake and that we shouldn’t throw away our relationship for an unknown.

OP posts:
Marynotsocontrary · 17/10/2021 10:04

No need to answer his last text - just leave it now.
Do say 'hello' in passing if you meet when out.

yeahitsabadidea · 17/10/2021 10:11

Yeah. See... the shit has started. He wants sympathy?! From you? Have a quick think about that. He's dumped you but wants to off load his emotions on you still. I

At best he's a ditherer who will go back and forth with your feelings.

As clean a break as you can. Yes you might see him in town as per the other night. Hello and move on.

I know it's hard. But I knew the mixed messages would start. And they give you false hope.

Don't forget what his friend told you. That's the truth. That's what he's telling everyone. He just wants to keep you dangling just in case whatever else he has planned doesn't work out.

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 17/10/2021 10:14

Hard to believe now I know, but in future you will be so so pleased that you didn't embarrass yourself with a pleading letter and beg him to come back.

(Because that is what youre proposing to do....even if you don't think it)

If you do - you will CRINGE for the rest of your life whenever you think of it.

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 17/10/2021 10:16

Reading your updates he might be feeling a bit cruddy for being the dumper.

🤷🏼‍♀️ no reason you can't say hi if you bump into each other but there is no need to get into extended conversation.

You're not really relevant to each other anymore. And that's OK.

twirlinginthesnow · 17/10/2021 10:32

Oh just don't. Really don't, it'll just prolong the agony. You'll regret it. Block him, avoid seeing him, grieve the loss and move on. It will hurt less in the long run. No more drunk dialling!

I remember being dumped a long time ago (like 18 years ago) when I was 20 by a man who I'd been with for 18 months. We had a very intense relationship and were talking the future, marriage, babies etc. It came totally out of the blue for me and I was utterly heartbroken. I really thought I'd be with him forever. He had other ideas!

I did the whole 'pick me' thing. He was never coming back, he'd made his decision. But we tried being 'friends' for months - perhaps because I called and text him trying to get him back or perhaps because he genuinely wanted to be friends I don't know. I expect I guilted him into it, partly. We ended up spending some time together and sleeping together a few times after he ended it and I was always hopeful that it meant we'd get back together. It didn't. As soon as he met someone else he was gone, we fell out, he blocked me entirely, and I never heard from him again. Broke me all over again if I'd have just accepted it in the first place it would all have been over so much quicker. I really humiliated myself there and the thought of it now makes me want to cringe myself inside out. I would never behave like that, with so little dignity, or tolerate someone keeping me hanging (even if I did thoroughly ask for it) now.

It took me a long long time to get over it. Pathetic as that sounds.

He weirdly cropped up again recently as a friend of a friend on Facebook on the 'people you may know' thing. It won't deny, even now I'm (happily) married for 12 years with a lovely DH and family of my own (and a life that I'm very settled/content with) that it gave me a bit of a wobble. I had a quick snoop of his FB profile, then copped onto myself and then blocked him so I won't see him again. The past is the past!

Be brave, be kind to yourself and rip off the plaster. No more.

DoubleTweenQueen · 17/10/2021 12:13

@easyonme

He texted me again saying he understand why I want to go no contact. He said that he is sad we won’t be part of each other’s lives anymore. Because we live in a small town we will probably see each other, so he hopes we can at least say hi. He said this week has been shit awful for him too. Hmm
Really no need to answer this latest text. He has moved away from your relationship, and you must be allowed to do so too. You had a relationship which he has ended - his choice for you not to be closely in each other’s lives anymore.

I’m sure you will be civil with him if you bump into each other. Not keen on his fishing for sympathy.

You need to look after yourself as your priority. Don’t get sucked in.

kirsteyy · 17/10/2021 14:18

I've just read the entire thread. Here are my thoughts.

This sounds a lot like a relationship I had when I was young and lacking confidence. The guy broke up with me saying that I wasn't quite right for him, and I was knocked for six. To me, it sounds like a typically immature man who thinks the grass is greener. His messages do show he misses you, but it's very important you spurn him. Like he spurned you. Fuck him really, he made the decision to end what sounded like a perfectly fine relationship to go out and play the field, and now he is missing having someone by his side. Tough shit, I hope it hurts.

As hard as it is, you need to focus on his negative attributes, go to the gym every day, get out in public a lot, so that your own self worth is rebuilt. I've got a sneaky suspicion he will regret it, and try and come back.

pictish · 17/10/2021 14:32

There is nothing in there that requires a response from. He’s had a shit week too - so what? He’d like to be able to say hi - good for him. It’s sad you won’t be part of each other’s lives any more - he dumped you, does he want a cuddle? He’s looking for comfort and reassurance the cheeky fucker.

So yeah, no reply required except a silent piss off.

QueenDanu · 17/10/2021 15:27

@easyonme

He texted me again saying he understand why I want to go no contact. He said that he is sad we won’t be part of each other’s lives anymore. Because we live in a small town we will probably see each other, so he hopes we can at least say hi. He said this week has been shit awful for him too. Hmm
Yeh no doubt he feels a bit bad being the dumper but he shouldn't be looking to you to comfort him there! Obviously.

If you do reply I'd keep it really short and breezy, ''absolutely, if we bump in to each other will be civil of course!'' but do not get drawn in to any conversation about his feelings or your feelings. NOPE>

Laserbird16 · 17/10/2021 15:32

Aw diddums, he had a shit week? Well he can tell someone who cares.

Really block this wanker. He's toying with you. You're the perfect girlfriend but just not perfect for him... He can piss off. Block

Original poster
easyonme · 17/10/2021 18:12

Another mutual friend came over today for lunch. She saw him last night and apparently he was upset about my message telling him I never wanted to see him again. Apparently he is feeling really lonely

OP posts:
QueenDanu · 17/10/2021 18:15

He cannot have it both ways. He meeds to respect your right to put him out of your mind.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2021 18:15

I really hope you're smart enough to block him. He's a head fuck and will keep bread crumbing you to stroke his own ego. It's over, let it be completely over.

QueenDanu · 17/10/2021 18:18

Interesting that he told a female friend he was lonely but he told the ladz he was free.

I know that being the dumper can be hard too but on the rare occasions ive done this ive known that you're supposed to send clear messages not mixed ones, and respect the other person's feelings.

Look after your own feelings op. Respect yr own right to put him out of yr mind.

Because he may not be a bad guy but what he wants to do next is whats easiest for him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/10/2021 18:34

Tell people as soon as they mention him to you that you don't want to speak about him as it's over and you want a clean break. If they keep talking, reiterate 'please don't keep mentioning him or I'll have to head off.' etc etc.

They sound immature and meddling. The relationship is over so there's no need at all for them to be updating you on his state of mind or vice versa. You're all adults, they should be able to grow up and respect your wishes.

Chin up OP, you'll be glad you went no contact and stuck to it. Anything else only delays the inevitable.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/10/2021 18:34

Tell people as soon as they mention him to you that you don't want to speak about him as it's over and you want a clean break. If they keep talking, reiterate 'please don't keep mentioning him or I'll have to head off.' etc etc.

They sound immature and meddling. The relationship is over so there's no need at all for them to be updating you on his state of mind or vice versa. You're all adults, they should be able to grow up and respect your wishes.

Chin up OP, you'll be glad you went no contact and stuck to it. Anything else only delays the inevitable.

furbabymama87 · 17/10/2021 20:53

He's keeping you as an option but you're not good enough for him to be with ( in his opinion). Don't give him the satisfaction of always being available. He's made the decision to end things, he has to deal with the consequences. If he was really that bothered about losing you from his life he wouldn't have let you go.

Begrateful · 17/10/2021 21:00

I know it's horrible but when someone no longer wants to be with you, you must know when to leave the table.

Sakurami · 18/10/2021 11:35

Funny that he keeps telling mutual friends stuff so that it will get back to you.

He's being an arsehole and actually enjoys you being upset thinking about him.

I have a friend who despite not wanting something serious with someone, everytime he seems to be moving on, she contacts him and is a half hearted weird relationship. She likes the attention but that's it, doesn't want him. This has been going on for years. When he starts dating, she ramps up the calls etc.

When I've ended relationships or when there has been someone I know who is interested, I do the cruel to be kind thing and stop contact. Despite me liking them as friends. Because I want them to move on.

Op. Be with someone who is sure and wants to be with you.

SarahBellam · 18/10/2021 12:12

He's enjoying telling your friends how he feels a lot, isn't he? He's trying to keep you on your toes, pining for him, making you feel sorry for him even though he was the one that finished it. What an arse 😂

JovialNickname · 18/10/2021 16:25

I'm sorry you feel so awful, what a shit he is! (A shit that seems very overinvested in keeping you hanging on though)

You are enough. Don't ever think your life is shit because you don't have this man! I am sure that you said this in anger but you are so so wrong. You are worthy, and enough, and beautiful on your own.

But you need a maths lesson! YOU are number 1. Anyone else is number 2. You come first, he is secondary - if that. Don't let anyone else be your number 1. YOU are number 1.

Notmoresugar · 18/10/2021 16:57

Don't fall for his lonely act.

He dumped you, and he doesn't like the fact that you are coping with it and being very strong.

It's a tale as old as time.

Original poster
easyonme · 19/10/2021 14:14

I’m coming to peace with the fact that he’s ended it. It’s going to take a long time, but I’m keeping really busy and socialising a lot.

He’s definitely going to regret this. Be that in a week or be that in a few years. He was expecting to feel butterflies and the excitement of an early relationship, but because we were already very close mates, it was never going to be. He has failed to realise that what we had was being comfortable with each other. Trust, best friends, great sex. If he is too immature to realise that’s what love and the foundation of a long relationship is then he is just immature. I feel sorry that I’ve had to get caught up in this, I deserve someone who appreciates me for who I am. I’m fit, decent looking, sociable, kind, generous, and have a good career.

I’ve ignored his messages, and I have no desire in seeing him around. Yes, I would love a cuddle from the man I thought was mine, but I know that it’s best for me to cut him out and move on. Someone will love me.

Apparently he feels lonely and is sad that he won’t be involved in my social bubble. But you know what? tough shit. I hope he does feel lonely. That is the choice he made, and those are the repercussions.

I’ve booked two weeks away with my sister, which I’m hoping will do me a world of good.

OP posts:
Steelesauce · 19/10/2021 14:20

Well done OP, you do you and don't look back. Let him regret it. You're amazing!

DoubleTweenQueen · 19/10/2021 14:40

@easyonme You are so right about what makes a good basis for long-term. He may come to realise, but too late.

Have a great time on your holiday with your sis, and come back refreshed x