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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped, but want him back. Should I reach out?

160 replies

easyonme · 15/10/2021 10:39

A few days ago, my boyfriend dumped me. I am devastated. His reason was that he felt something was missing in our relationship. He’d thought about it a lot but thinks that I am the perfect girlfriend, but not the perfect girlfriend for him.

I am confused, hurt, and shocked. He was the perfect man for me.

I really miss him. I just want a cuddle from him.

I’ve written him a letter explaining how I feel that he’s made a mistake and that we shouldn’t throw away our relationship for an unknown.

OP posts:
pictish · 16/10/2021 18:30

Look after yourself…and I do mean that. You will recover. I’m really sorry.

Greydaysandrainbows · 16/10/2021 18:33

There was a poster here ‘running in the rain’ or something whose ex dumped her cruelly by text - her response was the best ever - god I admire her! Perhaps someone can link. Don’t beg and don’t do the pick me dance

SarahBellam · 16/10/2021 18:39

That's a really shitty thing for the friend to say. Still, at least you know it's done now. In a way they have done you a favour and hopefully it will make it easier for you to move on. It's going to hurt for a while though. Block him on everything, delete his number, unfriend him on SM. It's hard, but it will help you to heal more quickly.

GreyPaw · 16/10/2021 18:48

He's seen you being chatted up by someone attractive and suddenly you've increased in "value". At the same time, he's made it clear he doesn't want to be in the relationship.

IMO he's about to start with the mind games. Doesn't want you, but doesn't want to be "wrong" in that, which is what is feeling by seeing someone attractive chatting to you. So to soothe his ego he wants to make sure he could get you back if he wanted.

Don't respond, don't give him the satisfaction. But expect weird push-pull behaviour from him for a while.

ZenHarmony · 16/10/2021 19:17

@GreyPaw agree with this

pictish · 16/10/2021 19:19

I do too.

yeahitsabadidea · 16/10/2021 19:24

I'm with greypaw. He's seen you out and attracting attention. He knows you want him back so id be prepared for some shitty mind games.

Head up. Lots more nights out with the girls.

I am sorry. It really is shit. But. I promise it won't last forever. We've all been there. Take it easy on yourself Thanks

todaysdilemma · 16/10/2021 22:16

@GreyPaw

He's seen you being chatted up by someone attractive and suddenly you've increased in "value". At the same time, he's made it clear he doesn't want to be in the relationship.

IMO he's about to start with the mind games. Doesn't want you, but doesn't want to be "wrong" in that, which is what is feeling by seeing someone attractive chatting to you. So to soothe his ego he wants to make sure he could get you back if he wanted.

Don't respond, don't give him the satisfaction. But expect weird push-pull behaviour from him for a while.

This!

Block, no contact - do not respond at all. He should have to be literally on his knees begging for you back while offering you a £million for you to even entertain the idea of replying to him.

Peach01 · 17/10/2021 00:30

How confusing, he's asked you to meet up but his friend said he would never go back.

I don't think you should meet with him. He's showing interest because you ignored him and he's seen another man chatting to you. If he knows you're available for him whenever he wants you'll be back to square one.
It shouldn't be as easy as him to sending a couple of texts and you're right back to that vulnerable place of wanting him while he has control of the outcome.
You done well to ignore him. You can do this. You don't need the uncertainty of it all.

Flowersinthefireplace · 17/10/2021 00:37

I need to rebuild my confidence and accept that life is shit

Not sure those two things conflate! Just because he doesn’t love you doesn’t mean life is shit. In fact he’s done you a favour because now you’re free to find someone where the feeling is mutual. Life is good!

Downunderduchess · 17/10/2021 00:56

Don’t contact him. He told you how he felt. Look forward not backwards.

Original poster
easyonme · 17/10/2021 02:14

Thanks again. I think I’m starting to feel better. I got a tiny bit of excitement/motivation in that I can use this to improve myself.

I messages back saying basically don’t contact me I don’t want to see you again. I’m moving on.

Must stay strong

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 17/10/2021 02:29

It’s good you are starting to feel better and that you’ve cut ties with him but don’t feel that you need to “improve yourself” because of this, his feelings are not a personal reflection on you.

Of course, self improvement is a good thing for all of us, I just wouldn’t want you thinking that it’s something you needed to do because of him.

DoubleTweenQueen · 17/10/2021 08:53

@easyonme I'm hoping that by 'improve myself', you mean asserting yourself, valuing yourself a lot more, knowing your true worth, identifying boundaries that others must respect 💐

HereticFanjo · 17/10/2021 09:01

@Bluntness100

The sad truth is these letters do usually jist make the writer come across as needy. And the reader looses a little more respect for them.

He ended it nicely, he was being kind. As a pp said there is no “we” here. It is not a mutual decision. It is not for an unknown. He knows exactly why he has done it, even if he didn’t wish to hurt you by fully articulating it.

If he wants to come back to you he will reach out and do so. But he’s ended it. He’s thought about it before he decided that and he’s acted. Maintain your dignity and don’t write him letters. Because the outcome of that letter is going to make this even worse for you

This.

I'm actually surprised at some of the scathing comments about him from other posters. I think he sounds kind and honest. He didn't ghost you, he didn't launch into an attack on your character.He respectfully ended the relationship. He sounds nice and so I can understand why losing him hurts. Accept that you will feel sad and be kind to yourself.

TeeBee · 17/10/2021 09:07

I agree HereticFanjo. Sounds to me as though he's been straight up with you. I suspect the request to meet is because of the many calls you made, which he didn't answer. Maybe he wants to clear the air. Sounds to me as though he's trying to do the right thing. I suggest you apologise for the drunken calls, say you've got yourself together now and there's no need for a catch-up, and leave him alone. Having some distance is the only way to let yourself heal.

TeeBee · 17/10/2021 09:09

And why are people saying his mate was being unkind?! He's was being honest. Just because it's not what the OP wants to hear, it's still the truth and knowing that should help her move on.

HereticFanjo · 17/10/2021 09:15

Sorry just to add the stupid app only showed me some of this thread. Definitely don't get sucked into the friend / perfect best mate role if that's not what you want. It's better for him not to text or for you to just be very busy for the next while.

Don't be surprised if down the line he tries to come back - it happened to me a full YEAR later - after a boyfriend saying there was no spark between us. By then I was long gone, and didn't go back because after the initial break up sadness I realised he was right - there really wasn't any spark!

DuchessOfDisaster · 17/10/2021 09:19

@easyonme

Thanks again. I think I’m starting to feel better. I got a tiny bit of excitement/motivation in that I can use this to improve myself.

I messages back saying basically don’t contact me I don’t want to see you again. I’m moving on.

Must stay strong

How long had you been together?
CandyLeBonBon · 17/10/2021 09:34

How long were you together op?

KeyLimePies · 17/10/2021 09:38

Oh OP, I’ve been where you are a few times, it’s horrible but you will definitely get through it.

I do wonder if your ex wanted to meet up to confirm that the relationship didn’t work for him, especially after your constant attempts to contact him the night before? I also suspect that your mutual friend was passing on the message with your ex’s knowledge.

It’s horrible being rejected, but it’s something the majority of us go through in our lives. It’s great that you are resolving to move forward 💐

Original poster
easyonme · 17/10/2021 09:47

We were together about a year. Thanks so much honestly, these pieces of advice/mutual experiences told are helping me a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
easyonme · 17/10/2021 09:49

He texted me again saying he understand why I want to go no contact. He said that he is sad we won’t be part of each other’s lives anymore. Because we live in a small town we will probably see each other, so he hopes we can at least say hi. He said this week has been shit awful for him too. Hmm

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 17/10/2021 09:51

He's doing the classic of telling his mates he's been liberated and then trying to make out to you that he's miserable too.

You need to stop with communication. None of this Pre-explaining why you are blocking. Get some self respect. Block and move on.

AbstractEim · 17/10/2021 09:57

He’s being disrespectful now, he can’t expect sympathy from you or to still be in your life or for you to be his shoulder to cry on. Block him now. Spend time with your friends and over time you’ll move on. You’re doing everything right but if you meet up with him it’ll all be about him, and he’ll end up hurting you more.