Dumped, but want him back. Should I reach out?

[easyonme]

A few days ago, my boyfriend dumped me. I am devastated. His reason was that he felt something was missing in our relationship. He’d thought about it a lot but thinks that I am the perfect girlfriend, but not the perfect girlfriend for him.

I am confused, hurt, and shocked. He was the perfect man for me.

I really miss him. I just want a cuddle from him.

I’ve written him a letter explaining how I feel that he’s made a mistake and that we shouldn’t throw away our relationship for an unknown.

Oh bless you Op.

You have nothing to gain from contacting him. He dumped you and he knows where you are if he changed his mind. Begging him will likely just turn him further away from you.

The best chance of him wanting you back is if he sees you aren't bothered and are moving on with life. But I'm not suggesting you play games and try to get him back. It is over and you will get over it in time.

And last night underlines all that. Whilst he might have been a bit irritated to see you didn't appear to notice him last night, and in fact were talking to someone else, when it came down to it he still didn't want to talk to you.

I'm sorry, but you will get over him.

oh no, cross post.

Be kind to yourself. You wouldn't be human if you moved on with a click of your fingers and no wobble at all.

You drunk texted somebody you thought until very recently you were in a loving relationship with. People don't get over things overnight.

Look in to self-compassion right now. Don't text him again but definitely do not beat yourself up over the drunk texts.

You're human. You were hurting. You were processing the shock.
It's kind of normal. Never get you anywhere but join the club, we've all sent a drunk text or two that we regret.

Just draw a line now. Never again.

Focus on being really kind to yourself right now.

It’s really hard but would have been better if you hadn’t kept calling him. Understandable when drunk but it’s not a good idea, like writing the letter and sending it. You’ll be more on his mind if you’d left it and he would have wondered about you and the handsome guy and how you were out already and attracting people etc. Now he knows you’re still obsessing a bit over him.
Please stop the contact, it’s the only way, if there’s anything there, he might come back. Think every time you text or call you are making it more unlikely he will return. Even if he never returns, no contact will help strengthen you and avoid more rejection.

Thanks again, you all are helping me so much

He’s text me asking to catch up. I don’t know what to text back

I would tell him that you need space to move on.

The most dangerous thing for you now would be to be hoovered in to being his friend.

That relegation would suit him nicely. He'd still have the ''perfect girlfriend'' but he'd owe her nothing and she'd know that.

And you would feel eroded and wouldn't be able to move on.

I had a few boyfriends who tried that relegation manoeuvre on me.

Unfortunately you will have to tell him that since you’re no longer in a relationship you’ll have to leave it there.

This will be the hardest step but you need to take it no matter how difficult it seems - you don’t want to end up in a situation where you’re in a pseudo-relationship without the commitment. It gets very messy, very difficult and very upsetting.

Don't do it. Just don't. I've been there and the only thing I regret is chasing him. I made myself look an utter fool. Move on to better, brighter things. Work on yourself and being happy with yourself. Its so worth it.

“I’m all caught up thanks. Nothing to add.”

Exactly. Unless there's an update on you're dumped, do not let him have his cake and eat it. He is out there looking for something just a bit intangibly more exciting than his relationship with you. From his perspective I can understand why he'd like you there, owing you nothing at all while he searches for that.

be careful right now op.

I really feel for you op, I’ve been where you are, I felt so hurt and rejected, didn’t move on, slept with him etc. It was really messy and horrible. In the end I had to leave my friendship group to avoid seeing him/ reminders of him.

IMO he’s texting because he likely wants to ‘stay friends’ - he still has some feelings for you, feels guilty and it feels weird for him too not speaking to you regularly. That doesn’t mean he wants to get back together.

I’d urge you to cut contact and block him and rebuild yourself. You sound lovely and deserve better.

Tell him you're busy and delete his number.

Honestly, that's the best thing to you can do. I have been there, i wrote the letter, begged him to stay, to give our relationship another chance, said no one would him like I do, the whole lot. And you know what, he came back, the weak weasel that he was. For a bit. And then he dumped me again and it hurt even more. And there was someone else lined up as well that time.

When I think about that now, 15 years later, all I can do is cringe.

Walk away with your dignity.

You need to respect what he’s said, it sounds like he has done the right thing and doesn’t want to waste your time.

Why would sending a heartfelt letter change his mind? If someone did that to me after I dumped them it would push me further away. You need to walk away with dignity

@easyonme

He’s text me asking to catch up. I don’t know what to text back

The best way to go forward is to carry on with your own life. He will gain more respect for you.

Any relationship where you're taken for granted is not good. Trying to get him to come back to you would be a mistake.

Don't block necessarily, but keep at arms' length. Short to-the-point answers to texts.

Don't phone him or text. Don't write letters.

Don't allow him to dictate how you both will interact going forward. Respect his decision to end your relationship and focus on yourself.

He may rethink; you might find someone else and move on; you might both grow emotionally and get back together. But it needs time and a mutually respectful distance.

Know you own worth x

I would text him ‘ catch up as friends? You know that’s not want I want. Please don’t contact me again unless things have changed. Take care’ or something along those lines.
I do think people break up and regret it and sometimes get back together and it works. What you don’t want is being friend zoned or kept on the back burner for an ego boost. I did this to an ex in my early 20s and really not proud of it. It was nice having him adoring me and sending messages how great I was etc but I had no intention of getting back with him and actually moved on. Don’t be my ex. It’s hard as you probably feel any contact is amazing and a relief but it needs to be the right contact. He needs time to sort his head out and realise he misses you and then put the groundwork in to make it up to you. It’s cruel to do what he’s doing really

Say no.

The let him come begging.

Oh bless you. It must be so painful.

The problem is he feels you are not right for him. There is no fixing that. You can't make someone want to be with you.

Please keep your dignity and leave it be.

Say no to the meeting.
It's much easier to get when you are NC and meeting an ex who know know holds a torch for you is just a massive ego boost. Meeting him will just send you back to day one of pain imo.

@easyonme

He’s text me asking to catch up. I don’t know what to text back

Ignore him. Really

How old are you both?

Don't contact or meet him. It won't help and it will only prolong the agony.

Back in my 20s I initiated the break up with several guys. If they wanted to meet up or have sex, I did if I felt like it. Thinking back, I realise I don't know how hard that could have been for them, but it wasn't for me. It was gratifying to have the attention from them, that's all. In my mind I had already moved on, and in some cases did have someone else lined up.

It's not that I didn't care about them as people - I'd have happily stayed friends with them all, but if they had wanted more, they would never have got it.

That's how your ex will see the situation.

@easyonme

He’s text me asking to catch up. I don’t know what to text back

Sorry- forgot to say, I would text back -

“We’ve just broken up. I don’t see what catching up needs to be done. I would appreciate some space to move on with my life”

And leave it at that. Don’t talk to him until you feel ready to - until you’ve got your head around it and feel less hurt/more positive about yourself.

Do not let him manipulate your feelings for him. Give yourself some proper time to know what it is that you want to do next.

A mutual friend of my ex and I came to see me today. He said there is absolutely no way he would go back. He says he’s been happier without me already and feels freed.

That’s fine, I am enough. I need to rebuild my confidence and accept that life is shit.

Life will be shit for a while. But it’s never good to be with someone who doesn’t really want to be with you.

You’ll find someone else. For now, get busy spoiling yourself!