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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped, but want him back. Should I reach out?

160 replies

easyonme · 15/10/2021 10:39

A few days ago, my boyfriend dumped me. I am devastated. His reason was that he felt something was missing in our relationship. He’d thought about it a lot but thinks that I am the perfect girlfriend, but not the perfect girlfriend for him.

I am confused, hurt, and shocked. He was the perfect man for me.

I really miss him. I just want a cuddle from him.

I’ve written him a letter explaining how I feel that he’s made a mistake and that we shouldn’t throw away our relationship for an unknown.

OP posts:
JudgementalCactus · 15/10/2021 11:39

@BrilloPaddy

Changes are that he's already moved on.......

No man leaves a warm bed for no reason sadly.

This, OP.

He's tried to let him down gently. The reason he gave you means one of two things:

  1. He doesn't fancy you for whatever reason and wants to be free to run to greener pastures
  2. He's already got another woman lined up.

Let him go. Preserve your dignity.

me4real · 15/10/2021 11:47

I know what it's like, but have some pride OP. Also, the letter would just be an opportunity for you to be hurt again by his rejection.

I would block him on everything ASAP, it'll help you get over him.

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2021 11:49

The sad truth is these letters do usually jist make the writer come across as needy. And the reader looses a little more respect for them.

He ended it nicely, he was being kind. As a pp said there is no “we” here. It is not a mutual decision. It is not for an unknown. He knows exactly why he has done it, even if he didn’t wish to hurt you by fully articulating it.

If he wants to come back to you he will reach out and do so. But he’s ended it. He’s thought about it before he decided that and he’s acted. Maintain your dignity and don’t write him letters. Because the outcome of that letter is going to make this even worse for you

Sausagedogsarethebest · 15/10/2021 11:58

OP, did you post a few days ago under a different username? Some of the wording in your post "he thinks I am the perfect girlfriend, but not the perfect girlfriend for him" is almost identical to another recent post.

That time the OP said they'd known each other for a few years and got together after a drunken one night stand. I think the OP then said they'd had to convince the guy to give it a go as he wasn't sure about it.

Whether that's you or not, I'd say don't send that letter. He's tried to let you down gently and you'll just make things worse. Find someone who is 100% into you and enjoy proper, requited love.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 15/10/2021 12:11

@Bluntness100

The sad truth is these letters do usually jist make the writer come across as needy. And the reader looses a little more respect for them.

He ended it nicely, he was being kind. As a pp said there is no “we” here. It is not a mutual decision. It is not for an unknown. He knows exactly why he has done it, even if he didn’t wish to hurt you by fully articulating it.

If he wants to come back to you he will reach out and do so. But he’s ended it. He’s thought about it before he decided that and he’s acted. Maintain your dignity and don’t write him letters. Because the outcome of that letter is going to make this even worse for you

This.

Nothing good will come of it. It isn’t about ‘we” anymore - it’s his decision because that’s how he feels, and no matter how distraught you feel, you cannot beg him to reconsider. Keep your dignity.

Flowers heartbreak sucks.

Sakurami · 15/10/2021 12:24

Sorry to hear this op and as much as it hurts right now, you will get over it. Much quicker if you don't communicate with him and live your life. Ask a friend to come round, get wine and talk all this out.

Sending him that letter won't do anything but put him off.

Karwomannghia · 15/10/2021 12:27

Don’t do it! The only way he may want you back is if he misses you or sees you’ve caught the interest of someone else.
Not that you want that. You’ve got your dignity, keep hold of it.

Ducksareruiningmypatio · 15/10/2021 12:33

I'm the other side of this.
I broke up with him using almost exactly those words.
Don't write that letter. Please.
I was letting him down gently, he contacted me again 2 months later to ask to be friends, it freaked me out a bit as I'd moved on.
He finished it for a reason and would have contacted you if he wanted to.
Let it go.

Ducksareruiningmypatio · 15/10/2021 12:36

Also further to other's comments, I had someone else.
He wasn't a bad boyfriend, but I'd had doubts for a while. When someone I had been in love with for years showed an interest I finished it immediately.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 15/10/2021 12:39

You've got a unanimous message here and, for what it's worth, I'd be on that side of the argument, too. Except that I did send a message like that to my DP after we had split up (he was the one who had walked away), mostly because I was drunk and sad, and we have been happily together for 6 years now. I'm glad I was pissed one evening and put my pride in the bin. It's a difficult one because I would still advise you to walk away, but I didn't follow my own advice and it all worked out well for me. More by luck than judgement, I know.

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/10/2021 13:18

He didn't throw away the relationship for an unknown. He left it for a known: this relationship was not for him.

You need to respect his decision. You don't have to like it or understand it, but you have to respect it.

TheresALotofKarens · 15/10/2021 13:28

No. Don't message him. That's guilt tripping him and wrong. He obviously ended it for a reason, you have to move on.

pictish · 15/10/2021 13:30

No. Ultimately, even if your letter did persuade him (highly unlikely but just for the sake of argument), you would be selling yourself dreadfully short to accept a relationship with someone you’ve had to talk into it. You’d never feel secure or truly wanted but rather tolerated and settled for. You’d always be waiting for him to leave for a better offer.

Accept his decision, cry your tears, let him go.
Don’t send that letter.

Best of luck…so sorry. Xxx

Aprilx · 15/10/2021 13:40

You probably can’t see it now, but you will look back and be glad that you didn’t send a letter. It won’t achieve anything positive, only a kicking yourself regret (on your part) in due course. He has thought about this and made his decision, he thinks you are a nice person, but this isn’t the relationship he wants. The less contact you can have with him now and the quicker you will be able to get over it. Keep busy, be good to yourself.

DillonPanthersTexas · 15/10/2021 13:46

No man leaves a warm bed for no reason sadly.

What utter bollocks.

Men are perfectly capable of ending a relationship because they are unhappy and for whatever reason it was just not working for them. This constant need on Mumsnet to imply that there is some other OW lurking around the corner or that men in general are too incapable of being on their own for more then 5 mins is just nonsense.

Aprilx · 15/10/2021 13:54

@DillonPanthersTexas

No man leaves a warm bed for no reason sadly.

What utter bollocks.

Men are perfectly capable of ending a relationship because they are unhappy and for whatever reason it was just not working for them. This constant need on Mumsnet to imply that there is some other OW lurking around the corner or that men in general are too incapable of being on their own for more then 5 mins is just nonsense.

Agree. I have known lots of men end relationships when there is nobody else lined up.
TheFoundations · 15/10/2021 13:57

@DillonPanthersTexas

No man leaves a warm bed for no reason sadly.

What utter bollocks.

Men are perfectly capable of ending a relationship because they are unhappy and for whatever reason it was just not working for them. This constant need on Mumsnet to imply that there is some other OW lurking around the corner or that men in general are too incapable of being on their own for more then 5 mins is just nonsense.

Also agree. The assumption must be based on PP's unfortunate experiences leading them to believe that the whole world is like that. It's not.

As a single woman, I've got several years-long friendships with men, who I've seen through various relationships of theirs, which have ended for a variety of reasons, but none of them because they had someone else lined up. More because I pick emotionally healthy people for friends, and so their relationships have ended because they were no longer emotionally good for them.

Can't believe this experience simply isn't possible according to so many MN threads. MN isn't real life!

LoekMa · 15/10/2021 14:17

Might be "unknown" to you OP, best believe he sure knows what he wants and it isnt you. Sorry to play Devil's advocate but you will just embarass yourself. Also do you really want a man you had to BEG to take you back?

sunnyzweibrucken · 15/10/2021 15:01

I've done this a few times. Usually when someone says they are done they are done, at least at that time. It doesn't mean they wont try to come back (a few have for me) but usually it doesn't work out anyway unfortunately. So don't do it. Block him and move on. I wish I'd done that with the few I tried to "win" back. I would've saved myself time and dignity.

Pebbledashery · 15/10/2021 15:05

Please don't do it, it's fine to write a letter but don't set it. Preserve your dignity and don't let him turn you into a desperate woman.

MazIsWin22 · 15/10/2021 15:07

From a woman who has experienced this herself - don't do it. Nothing you say or do will change his mind, you could even lose yourself trying to understand or find closure. He left for a reason, there is probably more to it than you need to know but all you do need to know is that he walked away and told you something is missing. Don't break your heart trying to convince him, just take the clean break and rebuild your life. You will be okay in time!

Original poster
easyonme · 16/10/2021 10:18

Thanks for all the replies ladies

OP posts:
Original poster
easyonme · 16/10/2021 10:21

I went out with the girls last night to try and cheer myself up. He was at a bar I went to but I ignored and got chatting to a very attractive man. I could tell he was looking at me.

Then he text me a very amicable “hey sorry I didn’t say hi, hope you had a good night x”

I got very very drunk and called him loads but he didn’f pick up. I’ve cried so much overnightBlush

I think I need to block him on everything

OP posts:
IComeInPeace · 16/10/2021 10:24

oh this is so sad. I agree that a second rejection would be all you'd get. He sounds like he thought it through and phrased it as kindly as he could. It's so painful but he did not as one x of mind did, dump you with a brutal character assassination.

Let yourself heal from this. Distance from him. Time. Pushing him out of your head. Working out. Reading crime novels.

Try not to spend too much time trying to figure it out because the brain gets caught up in a loop. Its so hard because you WANT to think about it, but really actively try to push the whyyyyyy questions out of your head.

One day you'll wake up and you still won't have the answers but you won't care as much as you used to.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 16/10/2021 10:24

Sorry I'm late. You have to let him go.