I think my relationship is broken

UnappreciatedAndHadEnough · 2021-10-14T20:09:21+00:00

Much as the title says really. My boyfriend is a high functioning alcoholic and I think I’ve had enough now. We have 2 children aged nearly 3 and 8months. I took the boys on holiday for a week and it was great to not have to deal with his disinterest in us all. I posted a while ago about his alcoholism and needing to leave but haven’t yet managed it as I can’t find anywhere to rent. Don’t really know what I’m asking here, just need to chat anonymously. He is now trying really hard, says he doesn’t want to lose me and live alone as he didn’t enjoy it when we were on holiday. He behaved like a teenager whose parents are away for the whole week. I have no enthusiasm for trying to mend things as feel like too much damage has been done over a long period.

spotcheck · 14/10/2021 21:10

You don't have to be anywhere you don't want to be.
Do you depend on him financially?

yellowpigeons · 14/10/2021 21:13

Really sorry you're going through this. I think leave while the kids are small, it'll be easiest. Good luck.

Original poster

UnappreciatedAndHadEnough · 14/10/2021 21:29

So we sort of depend on each other financially. He would be just as stuck without me as I am without him as living costs are very high here. I’m a student but due to kids and it being an nhs course I get plenty funding.
I know I don’t have to be where I don’t want to be but it’s almost impossible to get out. At least that’s what it feels like.
I’m just done with living with a “teenager” he’s selfish, doesn’t think about the impact of his actions and drinks far too much but never so much is socially unacceptable in his circle.
Last night I had to pick him up after his aunty’s wake as it was 2:30am and he was walking home as no 24/7 taxi. It’s 8 miles home so I lifted this kids out of bed amd went to pick him up though he didn’t ask as I couldn’t exactly be told he’s walking home and just leave him to walk 8 miles of main country road in his suit and dress shoes in the middle of the night. The wake started at 3pm…

OP posts:

category12 · 14/10/2021 21:51

Yeah, you don't need to put your kids through more of the shit of living with an alcoholic.

RoseChampagne · 14/10/2021 22:22

If he is not willing to go to AA and fix this then its not worth it - you and the children will end up suffering more in the long run. There are people you can call to get advice on how to leave too and they will help you work out finances etc. Don't leave it to late.

Original poster

UnappreciatedAndHadEnough · 14/10/2021 22:29

Thankyou @RoseChampagne
I don’t think he is willing to go to AA as he doesn’t think he has a drink problem. This week he has tried really hard. Hasn’t been to the pub after work at all since Sunday. Funeral yesterday excepted though he really didn’t need to party for 11 hours!! I’d have been fine with quite a few drinks in the late afternoon/evening but not so much he couldn’t get home or function properly this morning.
Because he’s able to not drink he doesn’t see it as alcoholism so won’t get help. He’ll make me feel like a hypocrite as I like a can or 2 of cider or glass or 2 of wine some nights after the kids are in bed even if he’s not joining in.

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pog100 · 14/10/2021 23:36

Surviving from Sunday night to Wednesday night, i.e. 2 nights, without going to the pub is not "trying really hard" and the fact you and he think it is shows just how far gone he is. Alcoholic or not it's plain as day that this relationship is dead and you need to end it as soon as it's practically possible!

Original poster

UnappreciatedAndHadEnough · 15/10/2021 07:18

Sorry I wasn’t clear the “trying really hard” is his phrase not mine. He’s convinced he’s turned a corner. I reckon it will last this week and then be back to normal either next week or the week after. Especially my uni placement starts the week after next amd I work 8:30-4 then have work to do in the evening so don’t have any spare time to do anything around the home.

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GoodnightGrandma · 15/10/2021 07:22

He’s an alcoholic so this situation is very unlikely to ever change.
Don’t waste your life on him.

category12 · 15/10/2021 07:26

You should really look at your part here and possible co-dependence/enabling - you can't do anything about his alcoholism, only he can, but you can address your own responses. It might be helpful to speak with Al-Anon for yourself while you're deciding what to do.

Maybe he should be left to deal with the consequences of his behaviour more? I can understand why you'd go and pick him up, but does he really "get" how wrong it is that you're pulling the kids out of bed at night?

DelphiniumBlue · 15/10/2021 07:36

He's behaving like a teenager but you are behaving like his mum. I can't believe you actually dragged 2 babies out of bed in the middle of the night to pick him up! It is up to him to get himself home. Why would you make this your problem?
If he is an alcoholic, there will be more of this behaviour.
Focus on yourself and your babies. Maybe you can't move out yet, but you can work towards it.
It can't be easy doing your course with such young children, but you need the qualifications to move your life on. You don't have to push yourself to move out right now if the timing doesn't work for you, you can play the long game.
Step one, don't enable him or treat him like a child. Let him deal with his own life admin. Spend the extra time freed up with your DC or on your studies.

Original poster

UnappreciatedAndHadEnough · 15/10/2021 08:09

Thanks everyone. Sometimes I need a kick up the bum to stop looking out for him. I knew I wasn’t going back to sleep after the 2am phone call and I’d have not forgiven myself he he got run over which was quite a real possibility on that road.
It is unfortunate that the most likely people to suffer if I don’t pick up the pieces are my children so I feel I have to. Thanks his morning he has only just got up and woken his eldest for school. They have to leave on 20mins and the poor kid hasn’t had breakfast and nobody has made his lunch. He’s 8 with SEN and would never think to go and put his own toast in or shout he’s hungry.

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category12 · 15/10/2021 08:14

www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-enabling-an-alcoholic-63083

category12 · 15/10/2021 08:19

"Often, in trying to "help," well-meaning loved ones will actually do something that enables alcoholics to continue along their destructive paths. Find out what enabling is and make sure that you are not doing anything that bolsters the alcoholic's denial or prevents them from facing the natural consequences of their actions.

Many an alcoholic has finally reached out for help when they realized their enabling system was no longer in place. What happens when you enable an alcoholic? The exact answer depends on the specific situation, but typically two things happen:

The alcoholic never feels the pain.
It takes the focus off of the alcoholic's behavior.
For example, if your loved one passes out in the yard, and you carefully help them into the house and into bed, only you feel the pain. The focus then becomes what you did—moved them—rather than what they did, drinking so much that they passed out outside.

If in this situation they wake up on the lawn in the morning with neighbors peeking out the window and come into the house while you and the children are happily eating breakfast, they are left to face the pain. The only thing left for them to face is their own behavior.

Lili132 · 15/10/2021 08:33

@UnappreciatedAndHadEnough

Thanks everyone. Sometimes I need a kick up the bum to stop looking out for him. I knew I wasn’t going back to sleep after the 2am phone call and I’d have not forgiven myself he he got run over which was quite a real possibility on that road. It is unfortunate that the most likely people to suffer if I don’t pick up the pieces are my children so I feel I have to. Thanks his morning he has only just got up and woken his eldest for school. They have to leave on 20mins and the poor kid hasn’t had breakfast and nobody has made his lunch. He’s 8 with SEN and would never think to go and put his own toast in or shout he’s hungry.

The situation with his son is a safeguarding issue and you have to make it clear to him that if it happens again you will have to inform authorities.

And please focusing on your partner. You are in Co-dependent relationship and you need professional help as soon as possible.

Really sorry you're going through this but only trained therapists will be able to help you.

Mamamamasaurus · 15/10/2021 08:39

OP, I know this is a harsh statement but you're enabling his behaviour.
I'm sorry but there's no fucking way on this earth I'd have dragged two small children out of bed to save his skin - you should've let him walk, he might realise what he's doing. By picking him up, you're excusing his behaviour.

I've lived with an alcoholic, it doesn't get better, trust me. They need to.hit their rock bottom. Their rock bottom isn't the same as your rock bottom.

Hattie765 · 15/10/2021 08:48

@UnappreciatedAndHadEnough

So we sort of depend on each other financially. He would be just as stuck without me as I am without him as living costs are very high here. I’m a student but due to kids and it being an nhs course I get plenty funding. I know I don’t have to be where I don’t want to be but it’s almost impossible to get out. At least that’s what it feels like. I’m just done with living with a “teenager” he’s selfish, doesn’t think about the impact of his actions and drinks far too much but never so much is socially unacceptable in his circle. Last night I had to pick him up after his aunty’s wake as it was 2:30am and he was walking home as no 24/7 taxi. It’s 8 miles home so I lifted this kids out of bed amd went to pick him up though he didn’t ask as I couldn’t exactly be told he’s walking home and just leave him to walk 8 miles of main country road in his suit and dress shoes in the middle of the night. The wake started at 3pm…

You're an idiot for doing this, sorry. No way would I have got my kids out of bed, I'd have let the fucker walk and he may think twice about doing it again. You're enabling his behaviour.

Lili132 · 15/10/2021 08:50

I ment please *STOP focusing on your partner.

Original poster

UnappreciatedAndHadEnough · 15/10/2021 08:52

I know I enable. Most of it is because if I don’t do the things I do then it’s the kids that lose out in the immediate term. I know it makes it worse in the long term but this is why I need professional help and haven’t managed to leave on my own. The oldest has now been taken to school after eating his breakfast and his dad making lunch. It’s hardly a safeguarding issue to be late out of bed. Everything has been done that needed to be it’s just a pleasanter morning for everyone if I make the breakfast and lunch when I get up with the baby rather than leaving it and him realising they are going to be late so being a grumpy stress head whilst making cheese sandwich. There is suspected autism so the lunch is easy. Same thing every day, no creativity required!

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category12 · 15/10/2021 09:03

Of course you need to look after the dc's interests, but there will be things you can stop enabling - like the rescuing at night, that sort of thing.

Yes, I know it's terrifying to think of him wandering drunk home, but getting picked up by the cops or waking up after passing out on a verge could be useful lessons for him.

RantyAunty · 15/10/2021 09:07

Does he work and bring in money?
Do his DC live with you full time?

Original poster

UnappreciatedAndHadEnough · 15/10/2021 09:11

He works full time as a self employed gardener and brings in about to as much money as is possible in the industry. I know cos I used to be a gardener too! So he’s got no boss making him go to work and achieve what he needs to but manages “just fine”. His DS comes in a Wednesday after school and goes back saturday teatime.

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TooManyPlatesInMotion · 15/10/2021 09:12

This situation isn't going to improve for you or the kids. Put yourself and them first and get out. What is your support network like - do you have friends/family close by?

It is hard to untangle finances and childcare etc but that is not a reason to stay.

andtreescomeabout · 15/10/2021 09:28

I am sorry you are going through this, OP. Living with an alcoholic is absolutely awful. As I am sat typing this, I am just getting ready to go to my weekly therapy sessions that I attend in an attempt to work through the childhood trauma I experienced living with an alcoholic mother. She was much the same as your DH, didn't have to drink every day so didn't see it as a problem. But it certainly affected my life and we now don't have much of a relationship which saddens me deeply. Get your children out of that situation, you don't want them to experience the same. They need to be your priority and I know finances can be tough but there are plenty of charities out there who can support, along with any help you may be able to get from friends/family. You need to give him an ultimatum and seriously make him work to save his family, if he wants to remain in denial, he will only have himself to blame. Sending love x

chocolateorangeinhaler · 15/10/2021 09:32

@UnappreciatedAndHadEnough

I know I enable. Most of it is because if I don’t do the things I do then it’s the kids that lose out in the immediate term. I know it makes it worse in the long term but this is why I need professional help and haven’t managed to leave on my own. The oldest has now been taken to school after eating his breakfast and his dad making lunch. It’s hardly a safeguarding issue to be late out of bed. Everything has been done that needed to be it’s just a pleasanter morning for everyone if I make the breakfast and lunch when I get up with the baby rather than leaving it and him realising they are going to be late so being a grumpy stress head whilst making cheese sandwich. There is suspected autism so the lunch is easy. Same thing every day, no creativity required!

My DP mother could have written this post. The kids will miss out in the long term. My DP told me of an incident when he was about 15. His DF was pissed and arguing with DM in the kitchen, so much so that DM was crying and DP actually threatened to punch his fathers lights out to get him to leave his mum alone. At 16 DP left home. Years later when DPs DF passed away the DM made a comment about DP loving his father. DP replied instantly and coldly that "love is a very strong word and I wouldn't go that far". So yes they do notice in the long term and they will start to hate him for it, he will be merely tolerated only because of who he is to them rather than them wanting his drunken arse around them.