I think my relationship is broken

[UnappreciatedAndHadEnough]

Much as the title says really. My boyfriend is a high functioning alcoholic and I think I’ve had enough now. We have 2 children aged nearly 3 and 8months. I took the boys on holiday for a week and it was great to not have to deal with his disinterest in us all. I posted a while ago about his alcoholism and needing to leave but haven’t yet managed it as I can’t find anywhere to rent. Don’t really know what I’m asking here, just need to chat anonymously.
He is now trying really hard, says he doesn’t want to lose me and live alone as he didn’t enjoy it when we were on holiday. He behaved like a teenager whose parents are away for the whole week. I have no enthusiasm for trying to mend things as feel like too much damage has been done over a long period.

If he does it regularly, you can just report beforehand - "person has habit of driving after the pub at x time on x days". You can even do it online. www.police.uk/pu/contact-the-police/report-a-crime-incident/

Presume you know his route and pub of choice.

I reported my now exh. I told them his destination address and they waited there for him pulling up.. Lost his license for 2 years. I filed for divorce... No regrets.
Yabu to allow this to be your dc's life....

Well done Op. Really glad you're brave enough to do it.

I don’t want to be allowing this in my or my dc’s life. I will get the police told anonymously. Tomorrow. Somebody please ask me if I have as that will help me actually follow thru and get it done x

We WILL be checking up op.!! Honestly you can do this!!

So sorry to read your posts.

I watched this with my sister and her ex. She started staying awake so she could pick him up from the pub so he didn’t drink drive.

He was sober on the (rare) weekends when his son stayed with them. Until he wasn’t and then my sister had to care for his son all evening while he was in the pub.

He made excuses for it, and so did my sister. He drank because of X, Y and Z. He couldn’t go to AA because he was “too busy”. He couldn’t stop going to the pub because he “found work through contacts there”.

There was the added extra that he was a creepy, leering weirdo but apparently that was my imagination!

Please don’t accept this.

@UnappreciatedAndHadEnough

I don’t want to be allowing this in my or my dc’s life. I will get the police told anonymously. Tomorrow. Somebody please ask me if I have as that will help me actually follow thru and get it done x

As someone who now has a permanent condition as a result of a drunk driver being a selfish prick and me being the victim, I will happily chase you up on that tomorrow! Drink drivers are complete scum. Drink drivers with kids in the car are the lowest of the low.

Please report it as soon as possible. When I was 14 a drink driver mowed into my best friend on a zebra crossing when we were leaving school. He'd been at the pub just down the road for lunch, stayed for a couple of pints and thought he was safe to drive home. He drove straight into my friend, who ended up in hospital for 4 months having her pelvis and legs rebuilt.

So checking in - did you?

I did not. But hear me out. I was donating blood last night so he came straight home to look after the boys. Location sharing confirmed. He’s also adamant that he’s not going for beer after work anymore as he’s noticed he’s on course for being a lonely single person again. So far he is managing to do this so there isn’t actually anything to report if he manages to keep it up. I am watching and waiting for the inevitable slip up which will be reported immediately. There was also an unmarked car in the pub carpark yesterday which has helped.

You can access a group called Alanon which might be helpful.
Also co dependents anonymous or CODA.

So far he's managing to do this is one day.

I am keeping an eye on the situation but I can’t report for drunk driving if he’s sober. Then if I need to do it again I won’t be believed so I’ll wait until he falls of the wagon again. No al anon groups near me unfortunately. Will have a look at CODA.
Alcoholics can be sober and if he is one of those we will have a lovely life. I do need to give him chance but it’s be try definitely a struggle for me. Even if he can curb the tea time drinking, I’m still reluctant to socialise with him around alcohol as he’ll drink too much but I do have to let him try and fail

Reported! He appears to be at his friends house where they have a pop up bar. I doubt he’ll be drinking tea!

Well done OP!! You have done the right thing, no matter how hard it may feel. Keep us updated. Sending hugs x

Well done Op, it’s so hard but in the end you’re doing him a favour. And imagine if he hit someone whilst drunk/driving? That guilt would be far worse.

Knowing my luck he’ll be pulled over and he’ll have only had 1 or he’ll have drunk tea. I’ve not known him adamant for changing like he is at the moment.

Arrived home without being stopped. Confessed to beer after first trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Grr. Why do I ever believe he might change

Hope is a cruel thing.

Al-Anon have meetings on Zoom - I would attend one of those. You don't have to speak, you can start by listening and taking it all in and gradually learning you aren't alone.

He isn't going to change. This has to be over.

@UnappreciatedAndHadEnough

I'm about 6 weeks ahead of you. My ex bf drank everyday and occasionally got angry. He was outside raging and the neighbours phoned the police who came and removed him.

Haven't seen him since and it's tough, my emotions are all over the place. We are moving back in with my mum (DD and I) for a few months for some stability, while I work out what to do.

I'm joining an Al Anon zoom call tomorrow night, for the first time. If you phone their helpline they will give you the details 💐

Thanks both. He’s now grumpy at me because I’ve told him I don’t approve of him trying to deceive me again. I need to find an online al-anon meeting that is during the day so I can easily attend without him overhearing anything.

Your best port of call might be to call them during the day - number here: 0800 0086 811

He can grump until he's blue in the face, he's lied to you. Again. You're entitled to feel however you want to feel about that.

My late husband hated talking about his alcoholism. When I mentioned it, he accused me of 'going on about it'. I knew I was learning to detach when I found myself kicking back at him and telling him I was as entitled to express my feelings as he was.

Stand firm. Alcoholics chip away at your self esteem and deflect blame - it's what helps them perpetuate their addiction. It's him, not you.

This was me about a decade ago. I prayed he'd change and sort himself out. I eventually left,'but felt so responsible for him, so never really emotionally broke it off. He almost broke me with his behaviour. So many broken promises. He was almost child like in his neediness. Eventually I hit my limit and he's now with someone else. I'm much happier and wish I'd been more boundaried years ago. The new girlfriend thinks she will be the one to change him..... for both of their sakes I hope she's right.