I think my relationship is broken

[UnappreciatedAndHadEnough]

Much as the title says really. My boyfriend is a high functioning alcoholic and I think I’ve had enough now. We have 2 children aged nearly 3 and 8months. I took the boys on holiday for a week and it was great to not have to deal with his disinterest in us all. I posted a while ago about his alcoholism and needing to leave but haven’t yet managed it as I can’t find anywhere to rent. Don’t really know what I’m asking here, just need to chat anonymously.
He is now trying really hard, says he doesn’t want to lose me and live alone as he didn’t enjoy it when we were on holiday. He behaved like a teenager whose parents are away for the whole week. I have no enthusiasm for trying to mend things as feel like too much damage has been done over a long period.

Your post has made me tearful. It is good that you can see how you're enabling him, but it's so hard to stop. I am trying to stop currently too. My dp is disabled and I literally have to get him to bed or to the loo in the night as the drink means he can't walk. Then he shouts at me for helping him. It means this week I have laid in bed dreading the sound of him struggling up the stairs. I had to reason that if he fell and broke his neck it would not be my fault. But I'm not sure I would feel like that if it actually happened.

I think professional help might let you see how else you can free yourself?

I don’t know what I feel. Detached from what I’ve written I think. Like it’s somebody else’s story and not my life. My life is the one you read about in a happy story.
I dont doubt he loves his kids, just that he can’t seem to make his actions fit the words he says.

It's good he works.

What are you living arrangements now? Do you rent together?

I am wondering if they money you would save not having to spend it on him, his drinking, and DC you'd have enough to live on your own.

It's not really what anyone says it's what they do that counts.

Finding the time to get hammered until 2 in the morning but being unable to get up 20 minutes earlier to feed your child before school?

Really?

This isnt going to get any better.
This will be you life and the kids lives as long as you stay with this man.
He is an alcoholic. Whether he admits it or not. He will ALWAYS be an alcoholic. But he can choose to be a drunk alcoholic or a sober one. And no-one can make that choice except him, for him. He wont/cant do it for you. He wont/cant do it for the kids.
But you have a choice too... to stay and 'put up' and enable.. with all that entails for you.. and for the kids.. to rescue him when he does stupid things, to clean up after him... has he pissed the floor in the middle of the night yet.. and denied it?? No?... give it time..

You need to put the kids first, they dont have a choice at the moment.. they are just stuck in the middle.. and they know... they KNOW.. that this isnt how it should be... and you KNOW how it could be...
Get out.... it really really won't get better...

This is alcoholic behaviour isn’t it?
Conversation about whether he should bring home pizza for tea. I asked “oh where’ve you been?” Because it is late for him to be thinking about bringing tea home. We eat between 5:30 and 6 and this was 5:15.
He told me he’d been to a plant and tool hire shop to pay his bill. I know they shut earlier so questioned again. He said he was on his way home. Again avoiding answering. I know he’d been to a different pub as we location share. He finally said it after being backed into a corner. He has his eldest to bring home! So he has managed Monday, Tuesday out of pub. Wednesday was funeral day. Thursday he was far to hungover and came home at 4:30. Another clue he was drinking tonight as that his the time I’d expect him home if it was straight after work. Friday he’s been in a different pub with different people. He told me he wasn’t going at all this week when we’d had a bit of a chat last week.
Just proving to me even more that he cannot manage it. 🙄☹️

So is he drink-driving?

Drink-driving with a child in the car?

No, having been with him doing this he will not be over the limit as he does seem to manage 2 pints slowly over an hour and a half but he’ll be close. Especially on the nights he can’t turn down the 3rd. Like anything, I think all the “practice” he gets has made him very efficient at processing alcohol. 3 pints would floor me!

Building up a tolerance is a bad sign, not a good one. And people fool themselves their reactions are just fine when they are not.

Honestly, I think you should call the cops if he's driving a child after being down the pub for a couple of hours.

Alcohol is a depressant and even small amounts (such as half a pint of lager) affect reaction times, judgement and co-ordination. Alcohol also makes you drowsy and affects vision and how you judge speed and distance.

Drivers who drink-drive are also not able to assess their own impairment because alcohol creates a false sense of confidence. This means that drivers are more inclined to take risks and believe they are in control when they are not. For these reasons, the only way for drivers to be safe is to not drink anything at all before driving: feeling sober is not a reliable indication that you are safe to drive.

You were worried about him wandering the roads drunk the other night, now he's a danger to others and his own child on the road.

I don't think you're taking this as seriously as you should be.

From experience, unless he's prepared to acknowledge he's got an alcohol addiction and go t total, he'll never change. That's the only way. Otherwise it'll just be a case of bouncing between relapses - either daily, weekly or monthly.

Obviously not advisable to drive after any amount of alcohol, but the legal limit is actually more generous than most people realise. 3 pints (of medium strength beer) over 2-3 hours would be highly unlikely to put a bloke over the limit. 4 pints is borderline. Any copper will tell you that when someone fails a breathalyser, they've had a lot more than the 1 or 2 drinks they're claiming.

But do you really believe an alcoholic gently sips a couple of pints when the wife isn't watching?

And do you really want someone who has been down the pub for a couple of hours picking up a child in their car?

I know all this but I also know my partner. He is also high functioning enough to know it’s not right to drive drunk and won’t want his friends to see him do so. So yes I do think he’ll drink a couple and then come home. That doesn’t mean I agree it’s right. I won’t let him drive the 2 little ones in the evening but I can’t stop him driving my DSS.

Wow. So you'll safeguard your own children but not a stepchild?

@category12 wow harsh. I have done everything I can regarding driving DSS after a drink. The child’s mother and paternal grandparents are well aware. I used to collect him myself but that just meant my partner got home even later. This sort of situation is why it is so hard not to “enable”

I know it's harsh. Sorry, but I hate to think of this guy driving around under the influence, thinking he's OK to do it and entitled to do it, and being a danger to a child and others, however under control he thinks he has it.

You can alert the police to the fact that he may be driving drunk.

And that might mean a whole lot of inconvenience and pain for you all, if he loses his licence and so on, but you know, if he causes an accident the consequences of that are something everyone who knows what he's doing will have to live with.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. When you live with someone, it can creep up on you, if they drink in socially acceptable situations. We are of a binge drinking generation, where most of our relationships with alcohol, was never very healthy. We celebrated/commiserated/Friday + Saturday nighted (not a word) by getting absolutely blasted. And, while lots of us grew out of it, some people just couldn't.

I'm not here to criticise you but to gently point out that 2 pints (even over 2 hours) will put him over the limit. He may have built up perceived tolerance. He may think he functions fully normally after 2 pints but in practise this is not the case. The breathalyser won't take that into account, and for good reason. This is so tough for you, all I can do is wish you luck. Please keep talking.

He may be functioning, but functioning alcoholics stop functioning if they won't admit they have a problem. Take it from one who'e been there. Your DC are still young - this is the best time to walk away and rebuild.

Meanwhile, while you're making the decision, contact Al-Anon or a similar support group for the relatives of alcoholics. You will learn how to detach with love and how to support without enabling. Ultimately you need to learn one simple thing: You can't save him. Only he can do that. Time to look after the people you can save - yourself and your DC.

Wow... how deluded are you!!
He lies about where he has been.
He lies about what he was doing.
He lies about who he was with.

But you BELIEVE he has 2 pints over 2 hours...😂😂😂😂.

So now you are enabling him to drink/drive with a child on board.

Which to my mind makes you culpable too....

@DustyOwl thank you for that insightful post. It resonates so much with my own situation. (Though no driving in mine thankfully and it's only himself he physically injures thru drink). The other day my dp had a can of special brew to prep him for opening a bottle of wine. I was shocked.

Boundaries are really important when living with an alcoholic. You can’t control his drinking, but you can have set boundaries that prevent it from affecting you and your children.

The picking up his child - you cannot trust him not to lie about going to the pub, you cannot trust him to not drink and drive - therefore an alternative arrangement needs to be made. Perhaps speak to his ex if you are able to and explain to them that he has a alcohol problem and lies about the pub and often drinks and drives and you don’t believe it’s a good idea to allow him to pick him up anymore. Perhaps they can drop him off? Maybe your partner can pay for a taxi? I do think calling the police on him for drinking and driving is a valid point too - you could do this anonymously, and realistically it could have been anyone in the pub that has witnessed him drinking and then going to his car. It might be a wake up call he needs.

Same as things like the wake - for future situations have a boundary, communicate it to him and stick to it. For example - you are willing to pick him up before 6pm, but after that you will be doing bedtime and not available and he will have to find his own way home. After that point, you know he is drunk and has chosen to stay out, so I wouldn’t answer the phone or anything to him. I know you care and worry about him - but until he has to face the consequences of his own actions and you stop covering for him, allowing it or bailing him out he isn’t going to realise how bad it is.

He's drink driving. If he was anyone else - random stranger - would you report?

If so, and you don't report him, you're colluding and enabling. Honestly, next time you know he's drink-driving you call the police. That's it. What else would scare him into facing what he's doing?

Or will you just wait until he's killed someone? That's a good plan, right?
Yes I'm being harsh but not as harsh as you're life's going to be when he loses control of the car and mows down someone's child/mother/granny. That'll be harsh.

Thanks everybody. I am going to report him for driving after beer. How do I make sure the police actually catch him driving. It is 15 mins home from the pub so will need to be well timed I think. Feels like it’s not a 999 call but 101 takes about 40 minutes to get thru to somebody in a call centre 50 miles away