Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

He uses his mental health as a reason for his behaviour and has said previously that if I left he'd probably end up committing suicide so I feel I can't just leave... he's made me feel like I can't do it without him I'm so lost

@JustAnother0ldMan @beonetomatter I felt it was but often feel like I'm just being petty or OTT ... I'm so bored and alone, he's sat on his game right now and if he's not playing games on his Xbox he's playing games on his phone then wonders why I keep saying I don't care about anything anymore

@Paris100

What put him off me I’ll never know

Couldn't you speak to him openly & freely about sex, sex drive, your sexual needs?

[quote Lana07]@Paris100

What put him off me I’ll never know

Couldn't you speak to him openly & freely about sex, sex drive, your sexual needs?[/quote]
Tried to many times. But he shut down and would walk away. Or would turn over and go to sleep. Sex was one thing but there was no other form of affection, cuddles etc. Not even a peck on the cheek. I couldn’t live like that.

The whole of this thread resonates. It’s so damn lonely being married, but unloved.

20 years and we haven’t had a passionate sex life for 15 of those…probably averaging 10 times a year for 10 of those years and latterly perhaps once or twice a year for the past 5 years (conceived our 3 DC immediately, 2 were massive surprises after very long sex droughts). I’m annoyed with myself for going along with the notion of having DC1 (planned TTC) when I should have actually been saying I want a divorce. I suppose I felt lonely after losing both my parents and with no siblings, H was the only constant at that stage of my life.

Our DC are beautiful and wonderful and I get all of my love and affection from them at the moment. Goodness knows what I’ll feel like when they get older and don’t want mummy cuddles anymore.

My H wants cuddles and holding hands and a peck of the lips in the morning. But that’s it. He has zero sex drive. I can’t decide if he’s asexual or gay. Either way, he loves the comfort and respectability of a traditional family set up. None of our friends would expect our marriage to be sexless. We’re both attractive, healthy people. Yet I feel utterly undesirable.

His excuses for not wanting sex have changed over the years. When I was young with a great figure, it was his own body hang ups. Now I’m older and heavier, it’s apparently my body that’s the issue for him. I know deep down that this is all bollocks, as I’m still only a size 14. Apparently that’s unattractive to him, he thinks I should diet 🤨

So my plan is to love myself more. Capture the feeling of looking lovely again (focusing more on clothes, hair etc). Not for him though, I actually feel ick when thinking of physical intimacy with him.

We both have great careers, no pressing worries. I don’t wish to end the marriage, as I like our general life, love our home and our DC are very happy.

I think I can potentially find attraction and desire elsewhere. I know infidelity is seen as abhorrent, but I actually don’t think of it as being unfaithful when the other party has already been negligent in keeping the marriage healthy. I’ve tried and tried over the years and got rejected so often. I don’t make any moves any longer. He very very seldom makes a move, but I don’t engage now. I think we’re friend-zoned. Actually he’s more like an irritating sibling 😂

Sympathies all.

Same as above. 10 times a year would be being generous.

My husband absolutely adores me and is very loving and caring in others way but when it comes to sex...?

It kills me. Outsiders think we're amazing and we've been described as couple goals. If only they knew..... 🙄

I write that down and it seems such a trivial thing that's missing. But only if you're in that position can you truly understand how utterly defeating it is.

I have no advice sadly, but ..... I was in a sexless relationship mainly because of me and being perimenopasual... or so I thought... turns out, my sex drive hadn't gone - i had subconsciously reacted to his 3.5 years of mental and emotional abuse and I couldn't force myself to allow myself to be intimate with a man who had no issue making me cry, constantly, I no longer found him attractive nor did I love him.

That relationship ended earlier this year, and sex drive has miraculously come back......who would have thought?

I think I struggle so much because my husband has become even sexier as he's aged. I'd go as far as to say he's the most attractive yet. Wish he'd not be.... Then maybe I'd be able to handle it better!

[quote CosmicUnicorn]@JustAnother0ldMan
I don’t get much time to myself though, that’s the problem. The youngest won’t go with her dad at all. I had hoped we’d split the childcare 50/50. The older child is applying to universities for next year. I know they won’t be kids for much longer but in 4 years I will be 53 so the clock is ticking.[/quote]
@CosmicUnicorn it's a shame she won't go to her dad's, but you can still go out on dates, surely? Assuming she doesn't have any major problems, a 14 year old doesn't need you there all the time. You can go out in the evenings for dates. Many middle-aged people who are dating will be having to work around kids.
You're the same age as me and I have kids of similar ages, plus one younger. I tell them that I'm going out to see a friend. If they ask questions I say that I need privacy in some areas of my life. They are seeing me picking myself up and having a life, having fun, after the end of marriage, and I think that's a good role model for them.

@cosmicunicorn

Could your ex come to yours to see your daughter and you go out then? Or when your son comes home - he could be in the house with her of an evening?

@DivorcedAndDelighted
I will start going out soon. I know she needs to start being left a bit now and I hope she can see that I’m entitled to a life too.

@Undecidedandtorn
I wouldn’t want him here tbh. The ex, I mean. He hasn’t spoken to me since he left and the entire blame for the split lies with me (nothing to do with him, of course).
My son wouldn’t bother with her and he’d be on his Xbox the entire time. He can get bad tempered with it so I wouldn’t want her to be alone in the house with him. He isn’t responsible enough.

@BearaSarah
Makes sense! I am post menopausal now and have a higher sex drive then ever before. I couldn’t go with my husband at all as I wasn’t attracted to him. Not every woman dries up after menopause!

Reading these messages resonates so much, that was exactly me 3 years ago.
3 years later, I'm now divorced. Yes it was difficult but I kept focusing in the future, it wasn't difficult for long whilst I sorted the logistics.
Maybe 6 months of post split stress/worry compared to 7 sexless soul destroying years, it was a no brainer.
Met a lovely man who can't believe or understand what I experienced in my marriage. He looks at me like he's won the lottery, and that feeling alone has changed everything.
I had counselling which I'd recommend, the huge impact on my self esteem and confidence needed sorting before I could attempt to date again.

Well you can not force sex on someone if they do not want to have it with you. It is not their fault. They are off sex with that specific person. If I was thirty and not family I may think of leaving. If I were older like 50 plus I would definitely value other things over sex. Everybody is different but I personally doubt having passionate sex with the same person for decades does not happened. Quite a few people here commented on having once or twice a month which for an older couple is expected but still unhappy to do it. Or doing to please their partner.

Hi

First time posting, looking for advice/thoughts.

I've been with a lovely guy for 2.5 years. He's is amazing and attentive, we laugh so much together even now.

Sex in the beginning was off the charts (as it always is) but the last year due to his medical condition of MS and taking various medications the sex is non-existent, I have quite a high sex drive and I'm struggling.

I've tried speaking with him, as I know it's bothering him and have said look don't worry about it, I love you and sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship. He has said he fancies me more than ever and that he is even struggling to get aroused at any point, even the "morning glory" has gone.

I don't think he will discuss it with a GP etc so I'm at a loss, I love him and could see us being together forever, I'm just not ready to be not having sex anymore, I feel so selfish

@fournonblondes I'm 50 something and my sex drive is more active than ever so I would advise anyone unhappy in a sexless relationship to get out! Your urges don't necessarily decrease with age and menopause, if anything they increase!

@Natlouc you're not selfish to want an active sex life and you will need to consider your future with this guy if he is unable to have sex.
I think although you said what seemed like the right thing to him, about sex not mattering, that was a mistake. It does matter to you and if he loves you (and says he fancies you), then he should seek medical help.

@Macaroni46
Thank you, I think he will have to we're only late 30s. He just kind of says "how do you think I feel and gets quite defensive, I'm also overly cautious if I have spoke about it as il aware he probably feels quite a bit more x

[quote Macaroni46]@fournonblondes I'm 50 something and my sex drive is more active than ever so I would advise anyone unhappy in a sexless relationship to get out! Your urges don't necessarily decrease with age and menopause, if anything they increase! [/quote]
Try telling that to my wife, 52, her sex drive is dead post menopause, we have had sex once this year, whenever I raise the issue I’m just shut down and told she is not interested

@Pky45 You did say that your wife was grumpy and fat and you didn’t want to touch her, so even if she had a sex drive, you wouldn’t want sex with her anyway?

@Violet869
If you would have asked me that 5 years ago, it would be yes, maybe even 2 years ago, but not now.
But what really sad is she won’t do anything to help herself, we have a dog, she won’t walk it, so I do ( am I fitter now), she won’t see the GP about her hormones, her weight makes her snore, so we in separate beds now, she won’t do anything about her weight, I think she might be a bit depressed really, but again won’t admit to that.
It’s like she has given up TBH,

I'm sorry to hear that @Pky45
Maybe it's time you left her?

@Pky45
Sorry didn't read all your updates. She does sound depressed. Could you go for marriage counselling together?