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Original poster

Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

553 replies

whyamidoingthisamimad · 14/10/2021 15:55

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

OP posts:
fucketyfuckwit · 26/10/2021 21:15

Whenever I suggest it I get told I'm being mean.

He thinks that me trying to push for changes as being bossy and pushy.

It's gone so far that when we do have sex (probably 8 times a year) then we do it so badly as we are so out of touch.

I feel like the baddie in this (not that there has to be one). I feel that I'm a selfish birch that doesn't care about my family and that sex is more important.

It's not. But it's important to me.

daddypoursthewine · 26/10/2021 21:15

what if you just spent -flipping ages- a bit of time typing a -flipping genius- interesting anecdotal answer and then somehow lost the whole thing logging in and you wanted to launch the laptop through the big telly -and somehow blame the dog-
just asking for a friend

daddypoursthewine · 26/10/2021 21:16

strikethrough fail

JustAnother0ldMan · 26/10/2021 21:43

@CosmicUnicorn
I’m not really sure what to suggest, most date 0s are going to be an hour or so in a Costa at lunchtime, can you children be left for an hour at that age ?

@fucketyfuckwit that just sounds awful, what sort of Changes are you asking for?

Catsoutthebag · 26/10/2021 21:52
Flowers
fucketyfuckwit · 26/10/2021 21:58

@JustAnother0ldMan I'm asking for him to seek help. To see a therapist. He won't talk to me. He seems to have no emotions.

He says he has body hang ups. He says he is depressed. But he won't help himself. He did see someone to talk to a while back, but all they talked about was work and careers.

I feel like I'm kicking a puppy whenever I bring it up, he looks so hurt.

I'm so resentful as I either stay in this marriage and accept it will never change or I ruin everything. Our child won't be able to go to private school, we won't be able to afford to live where we live.

I'm also ashamed, ashamed that I'm in this situation and I don't feel that I talk to my friends about it.

My mum has a house that she rents out. I know it's going to be empty soon. I keep thinking about asking her if I can rent it cheaply from her for a year to see how we get on being apart. But I desperately don't want to tell her why. She is so judgemental.

JustAnother0ldMan · 26/10/2021 22:19

@fucketyfuckwit
Blimey that sounds tough,

Paris100 · 27/10/2021 07:54

[quote CosmicUnicorn]@Paris100 so glad it worked out for you. Your story gives the rest of us hope![/quote]
Aww, bless, I really hope it works out for everyone else too.
I have a super king size bed and ExH used to sleep at the very edge of it with his back facing me. Whenever I had moments of doubt, I would picture this again and remind myself that I’m so much happier now.
We’re now very amicable and get on better apart. What put him off me I’ll never know but you have to do what is absolutely best for you and your sanity x

Fijiwater · 27/10/2021 08:33

I agree with what some others have said about it being less to do with sex and more about intimacy. I could compromise lack of/less sex if the intimacy was there in other ways.

Pky45 · 27/10/2021 08:48

@fucketyfuckwit

Can I join the thread please?

I'm in a sexless marriage too. Sex stopped shortly before we got married.

Both mine and his weight has fluctuated over the years. I have lost weight in the past hoping that it would make a difference and it hasn't.

I have spoken to him so many times about it and nothing changes. He won't take about it easily and in fact we only now talk about it via WhatsApp. That's how shit it is.

I can't afford to leave. Also, if I leave I know I wreck both his and our child's lives.

I'm not even sure that sex is what I am after anymore. I'm quite used to not having it. I just want him to want to have sex with me. That's what hurts.

I feel trapped.

He is a truly lovely man. He knows when I get frustrated and he tries his hardest to do more around the house and cooks for me.

I've paid a lot of money in the past for a couple of weekends away at a swish hotel. We've gone and we've had sex and it's been fine, but they were all planned and paid for by me. Never had he organised anything romantic.

He's kind, he's an amazing dad, he's a great husband in every other way other than this. This makes me feel like a sex crazed selfish bitch.

The resentment is growing.

I just need to find a way to live with it and be happy.

I've toyed with the idea of us sleeping in separate rooms. I think my own space would be good.

Does anyone here sleep in separate rooms?

Sorry, such a ramble!!!

@fucketyfuckwit I know exactly how you feel, I want my wife to want to have sex with me,but she doesn’t, I also noticed you said you had sex 8 times this year, we have done it once (one time) this year, so I’m envious of you in that way.

We do sometimes sleep in separate rooms as she snores sometimes now, it helps a bit as there is no chance of sex and no rejection either.
Don’t know about you, but I’m probably going to wait until next year when no fault divorce comes into law, as I can’t see us going from once a year to one a week or even once a month, the connection has just gone, sick of it and her really.

TravelLost · 27/10/2021 09:21

@Fijiwater

I agree with what some others have said about it being less to do with sex and more about intimacy. I could compromise lack of/less sex if the intimacy was there in other ways.
Tbh I found that a relationship with sex but wo intimacy is worse than one with intimacy and wo sex…..
Fijiwater · 27/10/2021 09:43

Yes I'd agree with you. I'd rather have intimacy and less sex.

CosmicUnicorn · 27/10/2021 10:30

@JustAnother0ldMan
The eldest is almost 18 so he doesn’t need looking after but he can be a pain in the ass at times! He is going to university next year if all goes well with exams etc. The youngest will be 14 in the summer. I do leave her a bit but feel guilty as she doesn’t bother with her dad much and I don’t like leaving her alone in the house as she doesn’t socialise. I used to escape sometimes when the husband was here and get a break every now and then (advised to by my GP for my sanity) but can’t do that now!

CosmicUnicorn · 27/10/2021 10:32

Intimacy is just as important as sex. Even more important. I had neither with my husband. I ended up cringing if he came near me tbh. He was very poor on the intimacy/sex front anyway (couldn’t kiss ffs).

Jaguarshoes · 27/10/2021 11:01

I’m in the same boat. I don’t fancy my husband and in fact don’t want him to touch me, I don’t know why. He’s the ‘perfect’ husband and father yet I feel no desire for him (it’s not a lack of libido). Those of you who tried relationship counselling, did it help?

CosmicUnicorn · 27/10/2021 13:10

@Jaguarshoes I didn’t fancy my husband either (he is ten years older) but there were other issues too (he lacked emotion and was dead as a stone) - so, I have lived a life if celibacy for over a decade and I have an increased libido these days. I ended up with someone else when menopause hit which completely opened up a can of worms for me and I was forced into making a tough decision - and that was to call it a day on my marriage. I had to.
In my opinion no amount of counselling will make your husband seem more attractive. For me, it wasn’t just physical attraction but emotional connection that wasn’t there. I was becoming increasingly unhappy and on the verge of losing everything (my career, kids) if I hadn’t have ended it.

emlouboo · 27/10/2021 15:26

Is 7 weeks too long to be waiting for any sex when your married and only been together 4 years

JustAnother0ldMan · 27/10/2021 16:03

@emlouboo
Do think it’s a long wait?

NoSexLoveorGoop · 27/10/2021 16:27

It's such a difficult situation. I think especially when it's the woman who has the higher drive as it's not seen as a societal norm.

It also seems a bit taboo and is difficult to talk about even with close friends.

When the rest of your marriage is nigh on perfect what do you do? I guess it's easier if the rest is crap.

How do you explain to anyone that you ended a marriage due to lack of sex? Generally it'll be seen as a non-reason. And then there are those who will jump up and say how they'd happily have no sex ever again. Not really supportive is it?

I'm fact I posted a thread a while back just to get it out of my head and the amount of "helpful" posters who felt it beneficial to post and say how sex isn't important to them and they'd gladly stay was mind blowing.

Sex is important. And I think only if you have issues in that area will you truly appreciate it.

So Wine and Flowers to all of you in the same boat. You're not alone, nor are you unreasonable to feel this way

emlouboo · 27/10/2021 16:46

@JustAnother0ldMan yes it is all I've been thinking about and it's even driven me to not bother trying as it's hard work constantly feeling like I'm not getting anywhere, I'm only 28 and I need to feel wanted we nearly separated last year because I was so lonely I began speaking to someone who I worked with nothing ever happened but I got attention from someone else who actually wanted me and I feel like it's heading that way again but I had to leave that job and I've been trapped with him no contact with anybody else male or female and haven't been able to get a new job so I feel completely trapped yet unwanted, we have plenty of hours in the day where we could do something but he'd rather sit there eating and watching shit on tv instead of being intimate

emlouboo · 27/10/2021 16:49

He has full control of everything to do with me I can't even have toys and would be made to feel guilty if he even knew that I wanted to use a toy

JustAnother0ldMan · 27/10/2021 17:15

@emlouboo
That sounds awful, what do you mean by “ He has full control of everything to do with me”, you cannot mean literally?

emlouboo · 27/10/2021 17:33

I can't work because he wants me with him all the time, I don't have any social media for contact with people, most house rules for me and the kids are to his suiting, when we are sat together he has to have his hand on my hand/leg or shoulder all the time and if I don't put it there it lingers awkwardly in silence. I have always been a very clean person so I know the avoidance of actual intimacy isn't down to hygiene, he is always tapping my bum or wanting to hug me but I feel like that's to show ownership rather than love and affection... life has been so difficult with him and I almost left him a few months ago because I don't feel any connection with him we share chores ect but it feels more like a house mate than a marriage and I don't want my 3 children thinking this is what a marriage should be because I don't think it's even a relationship

beonetomatter · 27/10/2021 17:52

@emlouboo that sounds like controlling and abusive relationship.

JustAnother0ldMan · 27/10/2021 17:57

[quote beonetomatter]@emlouboo that sounds like controlling and abusive relationship. [/quote]
Yep, just leave

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