Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

@Macaroni46
I think like a lot of people I’m waiting for the no fault divorce to come into law next year,

To be honest the lack of sex is not the end of the world at my age (52), it’s more that she seems to have just given up and everything is too much bother these days, whereas I’ve lost weight and feel better than I have done for years

@Pky45 just for info, menopause women the same way.
Some women find their libido is through the roof whilst others see it disappear altogether.
You can’t say to any woman that it’s wrong of she doesn’t have high libido post menopause. There are other things often happening at that time such as vaginal dryness for example that will put women of sex.

Now I have no idea if this is the case for your DW. It might well be that she is struggling with hormonal issues, or depression or a lot of other things really.
Or she is simply unhappy in the relationship but somehow doesn’t want to be the one to signal divorce.

@Pky45 Have you sat down and asked her how she’s feeling? She does sound depressed, something that will inhibit her sex drive. I have a family member who suffers from depression for many years and she has never sought help, she has got worse throughout the years and now doesn’t work and spends the majority of her time sleeping, it’s sad when things go downhill, to the point of no return. Her husband has always stood by her but I know there’s an element of sadness/frustration on his part.

@TravelLost
Yes, fully understand all that and we had to use lube last time we dtd , but the lack of sex is just a symptom of other issues really

@Violet869
Yes I have and she claims she is fine, but clearly not and she doesn’t/ won’t admit to that or seek help of her own back, feels like I’m pushing water uphill sometimes

@Pky45 I think you know it's the end of the road. No amount of talking or medical intervention or magical weekends away is going to solve it. My DH could become man of the year, develop a six pack, whisk me off on a luxury holiday, and I wouldn't want any of it. I just don't like him and I'm desperate to move on. Just wish I wasn't so bloody useless at being decisive. Are you prepared for your relationship to end? I mean both emotionally and practically.

@19Bears
Emotionally: oh yes, I’m pretty much 100% checked out now.

Practically : it’s going a financial hit for sure, the house we are in now is full paid for (mostly by me TBH) and neither of us could afford to buy the other out really, so I suspect I will be the one moving out and the house will go on the market, I will have to move to a cheaper area, but will probably rent for 6 months then look to see if a can afford to buy with the money from the house sale, but getting any sort of mortgage is going to be an issue due to my age, but I should have over £130k in money, I was looking to go part time @55, but looks like those plans will have to change now.

Living alone doesn’t bother me, and will not really be much different from how I live now really.

I’ve not broached the subject of separation yet, I’m currently thinking that will be after Xmas.
How about you?

@Rainydayss I guess it was you who ended the marriage? Did he realise why or had he been happy to just coast along?
Glad you’ve met someone else who adores you!

@Pky45
Whereabouts in the country are you?

@LoveLou

The whole of this thread resonates. It’s so damn lonely being married, but unloved.

20 years and we haven’t had a passionate sex life for 15 of those…probably averaging 10 times a year for 10 of those years and latterly perhaps once or twice a year for the past 5 years (conceived our 3 DC immediately, 2 were massive surprises after very long sex droughts). I’m annoyed with myself for going along with the notion of having DC1 (planned TTC) when I should have actually been saying I want a divorce. I suppose I felt lonely after losing both my parents and with no siblings, H was the only constant at that stage of my life.

Our DC are beautiful and wonderful and I get all of my love and affection from them at the moment. Goodness knows what I’ll feel like when they get older and don’t want mummy cuddles anymore.

My H wants cuddles and holding hands and a peck of the lips in the morning. But that’s it. He has zero sex drive. I can’t decide if he’s asexual or gay. Either way, he loves the comfort and respectability of a traditional family set up. None of our friends would expect our marriage to be sexless. We’re both attractive, healthy people. Yet I feel utterly undesirable.

His excuses for not wanting sex have changed over the years. When I was young with a great figure, it was his own body hang ups. Now I’m older and heavier, it’s apparently my body that’s the issue for him. I know deep down that this is all bollocks, as I’m still only a size 14. Apparently that’s unattractive to him, he thinks I should diet 🤨

So my plan is to love myself more. Capture the feeling of looking lovely again (focusing more on clothes, hair etc). Not for him though, I actually feel ick when thinking of physical intimacy with him.

We both have great careers, no pressing worries. I don’t wish to end the marriage, as I like our general life, love our home and our DC are very happy.

I think I can potentially find attraction and desire elsewhere. I know infidelity is seen as abhorrent, but I actually don’t think of it as being unfaithful when the other party has already been negligent in keeping the marriage healthy. I’ve tried and tried over the years and got rejected so often. I don’t make any moves any longer. He very very seldom makes a move, but I don’t engage now. I think we’re friend-zoned. Actually he’s more like an irritating sibling 😂

Sympathies all.

In this case, I would talk to him and tell him if he is not interested in sex with me, I'll find a lovely man who IS interested.

WHY should you live like this and suffer sexually if it's important to you?

Tried to many times. But he shut down and would walk away. Or would turn over and go to sleep. Sex was one thing but there was no other form of affection, cuddles etc. Not even a peck on the cheek. I couldn’t live like that.

@Paris100

That was really strange behaviour not to talk about what you were asking about.

I'd tell him: 'I need to book an appointment/to agree with you to discuss our non-existent sex life. When are you available for that? :)

If never, I'd divorce too to love and to be loved and to be sexually desired regularly finding a single passionate man with the same level of sex drive.

[quote CosmicUnicorn]@Pky45
Whereabouts in the country are you?[/quote]
Have PMed you

@NoSexLoveorGoop

Same as above. 10 times a year would be being generous.

My husband absolutely adores me and is very loving and caring in others way but when it comes to sex...?

It kills me. Outsiders think we're amazing and we've been described as couple goals. If only they knew..... 🙄

Did you ask him about his rare sex reasons?

If yes, what did he say?

[quote CosmicUnicorn]@Rainydayss I guess it was you who ended the marriage? Did he realise why or had he been happy to just coast along?
Glad you’ve met someone else who adores you![/quote]
Well we both decided to end it. However turns out he had being having an affair for many years!....So yes, many years wasted on a sexless (with me) and spineless liar. However happier now then he ever made me, so something good came out of it all.

@Pky45 I dread the thought of Christmas every year. There's always some event or birthday coming up, and I always put it off, so I never get round to saying anything. I really do not want to let another Christmas come and go, it just drags it out so much. I feel drained by the whole thing.

@19Bears - as you say, there is always some event coming up which prevents us from doing what we need to do and moving forward. At the moment for me it's Christmas; then we have a family wedding in April (and I'm bridesmaid, so I cant throw all that up in the air), then a family holiday in April and ducking out beforehand will mean we loose money and the DC are really looking forward to it and I cant take it away from them. Then its summer and to duck out before that could ruin the DC summer. Then I'm away with friends for a week and I need H to have the DC for that time. If I left then he wouldn't have the DC, I would lose money on the holiday as I would have to pay my share even if I didn't go. Its never ending

@Natlouc

Hi

First time posting, looking for advice/thoughts.

I've been with a lovely guy for 2.5 years. He's is amazing and attentive, we laugh so much together even now.

Sex in the beginning was off the charts (as it always is) but the last year due to his medical condition of MS and taking various medications the sex is non-existent, I have quite a high sex drive and I'm struggling.

I've tried speaking with him, as I know it's bothering him and have said look don't worry about it, I love you and sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship. He has said he fancies me more than ever and that he is even struggling to get aroused at any point, even the "morning glory" has gone.

I don't think he will discuss it with a GP etc so I'm at a loss, I love him and could see us being together forever, I'm just not ready to be not having sex anymore, I feel so selfish

@Natlouc if I've understood correctly, it sounds like he wants sex but has erectile dysfunction and won't seek help? If he does actually have desire but has lost sexual confidence or has a physical problem then that's the easiest sort of sexless relationship to fix. Viagra etc can be obtained from a pharmacist now without prescription, if it's appropriate for his health situation, or he could have an online consultation if that would be less embarrassing. If he genuinely wants to fix this then there are plenty of options out there. He needs to get over himself. My ex-H said going to get this stuff was the most embarrassing thing he'd ever done in his life, but he soon got over it and was very pleased with the results. Now he's apparently enjoying the results with much younger women, and good for him . The times when he wanted sex but was having problems are so much better in my memory than the long periods where he was just drinking alone at night, showing no interest, while I lay in bed alone feeling so unwanted. This stuff is important if it's important to you. It doesn't matter how lovely he seems to be in other ways, if he really cares about you he needs to discuss it frankly with you. He needs to be clear about the choices he is making. If he'd like a sex life with you but is too embarrassed to seek help, he's putting his own momentary embarrassment ahead of your relationship, his long term satisfaction and your happiness. That's his choice up make, but both of you need to be clear that he is making that choice.

I've posted about a couple who don't have sex but if it were to happen to me I would not be happy.

If I still desired sex I would get to the point where it would be discussed getting it elsewhere. I'd probably still not have sex because I won't be able to get it 😥 I'm older and more haggard now and 25 year olds think I'm a sad old man. This is if I wanted to stay with partner.

Sex isn't the be all and end all but if it's important to a person it is.

It is unfair to put a person through a sexless life. I feel sorry for my mate.

1 because he doesn't have it,
2 because he pretends it's fine
3 because he just doesn't do it for his wife, maybe he knows or doesn't know this, but I know.

His wife just likes the comfort snd security aspect, which I think when the kids leave home she will regret.

We have been together for 40 years (since teenagers) and I would say that throughout this time we have generally had good sex and fast forward to today where it is very good indeed. I appreciate that you may think I am posting on the wrong thread but bear with me.

My Dh, apart from a bout of depression due to the excessive work stress, has always been more than willing and very able, fortunately, and over the years he has been the initiator and the one who pushes to try things out. On the face of it, it would seem as if I am the reluctant partner, and I can hold my hands up and say that I have very rarely initiated sex.

A while back my Dh raised this and said that it had affected his sexual confidence as it seemed as if I did not want sex, due to non-initiation. This really hurt me as I felt so sad for him as it was never my intention and I truly enjoy sex. I took the time to try to understand why our situation had arisen. It was wonderful to find out that I have 'responsive desire'. This means that if approached by my Dh then I will more than willingly participate once the 'right buttons' have been pressed. I am sure my Dh would confirm that I am open minded and willing to try just about anything once the mood hits me.

If you were to talk to my Dh several years ago he may well have said that my Dw is not interested in sex and he has to do all the running. I can totally see his point-of-view and to make it worse he is the only one that can be rejected as he is the sole initiator. Nowadays I never ever refuse him as I know it will be great once I get going. This was a mindset change for me and also understanding that I am responsive.

So far we have lasted the course and both my Dh and myself are satisfied with where we are, and once my Dh understand that a person can be responsive it also helped him to understand our sexual relationship over the years.

I am not sure if this helps but I wanted to share my experience.

Good luck to everyone however things are resolved.

Can I join please? I'm a similar situation here. I was love bombed before marriage and thought I'd struck it lucky with my husband. Almost 7 years later and the sex life is abysmal. I've given up asking/seeking any kind of intimacy from him because of the recurrent excuses/rejections. Luckily I have two small children who I've either been pregnant with or BF so my libido has taken a natural dive but I don't want to live in a sexless marriage. Divorce is not an option atm because of finances (lack of) so I'll have to put up with him until I can leave.

Fwiw, we've tried individual therapy, couples counselling, etc. and he's still the same. Can go months without sex.

@19Bears
I’m not going to be doing anything this side of Xmas, just sitting tight at the moment, but there has been a very very slight change, we actually dtd this morning, at my initiation, it wasn’t very good sex, we did both orgasm, but she didn’t really ‘do’ much, just kinda lied there, afterwards I asked her why, she said that I had been complaining that we don’t have sex anymore ( which is true),
So good in one way, as I got some sex, but feels like a breadcrumb to keep me quiet and she wasn’t really wanting it at all.

@Morningsaregreat

We have been together for 40 years (since teenagers) and I would say that throughout this time we have generally had good sex and fast forward to today where it is very good indeed. I appreciate that you may think I am posting on the wrong thread but bear with me.

My Dh, apart from a bout of depression due to the excessive work stress, has always been more than willing and very able, fortunately, and over the years he has been the initiator and the one who pushes to try things out. On the face of it, it would seem as if I am the reluctant partner, and I can hold my hands up and say that I have very rarely initiated sex.

A while back my Dh raised this and said that it had affected his sexual confidence as it seemed as if I did not want sex, due to non-initiation. This really hurt me as I felt so sad for him as it was never my intention and I truly enjoy sex. I took the time to try to understand why our situation had arisen. It was wonderful to find out that I have 'responsive desire'. This means that if approached by my Dh then I will more than willingly participate once the 'right buttons' have been pressed. I am sure my Dh would confirm that I am open minded and willing to try just about anything once the mood hits me.

If you were to talk to my Dh several years ago he may well have said that my Dw is not interested in sex and he has to do all the running. I can totally see his point-of-view and to make it worse he is the only one that can be rejected as he is the sole initiator. Nowadays I never ever refuse him as I know it will be great once I get going. This was a mindset change for me and also understanding that I am responsive.

So far we have lasted the course and both my Dh and myself are satisfied with where we are, and once my Dh understand that a person can be responsive it also helped him to understand our sexual relationship over the years.

I am not sure if this helps but I wanted to share my experience.

Good luck to everyone however things are resolved.

I think it’s a bit sad actually that you don’t initiate, this means the pressure to keep your sex life active is 100% on your partner, and you are ducking out of being sexual rejected, personally I would have loved it my wife had taken some of responsibility and risk of being the person initiating sex and not just a passive partner

Sounds like a thread for me this one.

We have had sex twice in the last 3 years and probably ten times since our DD was born 11 years ago.

The last time was on a weekend away a few months ago when we were both pissed and it wasn’t very good. I had to finish myself off and he had to finish himself off! Just shows how out of tune we are with each other now. Depressing.

I don’t think he fancies me anymore and to be honest I’m getting to the stage where I don’t fancy him either and find myself fantasising about ex boyfriends and the like. I even dreamt about the window cleaner the other day FFS!

We have been together 20 years and other than the first couple it has never been great.

It’s not always easy to leave though. I’d be up for an open relationship but he won’t entertain the idea. He doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anyone else too either. I’m tempted to have an affair if the opportunity comes along. I think he may have had one w few years ago but I couldn’t be sure and he just denied it.

@Socrates71 Similar story here but it was more me that didn’t fancy him (big age gap) and I lived a celibate marriage for over a decade (even before that it wasn’t very often and he was crap at it tbh). Roll on many years and menopause hit. Suddenly. I ended up with the sex surge some women go through and my libido went through the roof. I am ashamed to say that I did have an affair (he is still in my life at times - as we have a strong connection) but was driven by the state I was in (menopause can make you crazy in some ways) and also that I’d lived so long in a marriage that constantly lacked sex, affection, connection etc. As a result, I had to re-evaluate my life and how the hell I’d ended up like this and I ended the marriage earlier this year.
It will make you snap eventually. Leave as soon as you can!

I’ve been in a sexless relationship for coming up to two years. I am so unbelievably frustrated. It’s not so much the physical act I’m missing. It’s someone desiring me and accepting me. No kids, no marriage. I’m scared of starting again. It’s slim pickings at my age.