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Original poster

Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

553 replies

whyamidoingthisamimad · 14/10/2021 15:55

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

OP posts:
CosmicUnicorn · 25/10/2021 18:15

@Pky45 @19Bears Marriage was definitely the same for me as what it is for you. He was oblivious to how I was feeling and was quite happy to live a life or pretend with no sex/intimacy. I’d put up with it for years. I don’t regret ending my marriage earlier this year. What is regret is not doing it sooner!! I am the higher earner so he will have had a shock at his sudden drop in income (we used to have a joint account where both salaries were pooled together). The marriage was non-existent and had been for years. He was totally blind to it and, of course, everything is my fault as I instigated the split!

CosmicUnicorn · 25/10/2021 18:18

What I’m wondering is…how do people move on from a sexless marriage and find happiness elsewhere (especially when children are involved - mine are 14 and 17)? I don’t want to end up like my mother (divorced at 48) who ended up never meeting another man!! I don’t get free time away from my youngest (I have her 100% of the time out of work) and worried about it and how people find someone else when they have kids! My eldest will be off to university next year, he hopes!

GoodnightGrandma · 25/10/2021 18:24

If I leave I won’t be looking for anyone else.
I wouldn’t want to get so involved again.

JustAnother0ldMan · 25/10/2021 18:45

@CosmicUnicorn
I think you would just date as divorced parent and try to forget about the sexless part for now, however if you do meet someone they might well be a single father and have the same issue as you,
And whoever you meet will almost certainly want to have sex with you at some point, so you may need to think about that as well.

Morethanthis71 · 25/10/2021 18:59

It's been 12 years for me OP and I'm just about getting brave enough to tackle it head on - he does have Covid at the moment though so I'll wait till he feels better.

JustAnother0ldMan · 25/10/2021 19:25

@Morethanthis71
12 years, how on earth did this happen

Morethanthis71 · 25/10/2021 19:44

[quote JustAnother0ldMan]@Morethanthis71
12 years, how on earth did this happen[/quote]
Believe me, not for want of trying on my part. The 10 years preceding weren't exactly smoking hot either.

Holothane · 25/10/2021 19:47

I’m at the stage I simply don’t care he can smoke himself to dearth for all I care, sex I’m don’t even want with him now.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 25/10/2021 20:14

@CosmicUnicorn

What I’m wondering is…how do people move on from a sexless marriage and find happiness elsewhere (especially when children are involved - mine are 14 and 17)? I don’t want to end up like my mother (divorced at 48) who ended up never meeting another man!! I don’t get free time away from my youngest (I have her 100% of the time out of work) and worried about it and how people find someone else when they have kids! My eldest will be off to university next year, he hopes!
@CosmicUnicorn There's a dating thread on the Mumsnet relationship board (I think they're up to dating thread 215 - it's usually quite high up the first page) and they seem good with advice and with supporting each other. I think @JustAnother0ldMan could tell you more about that thread too. Some of them are 40s with kids I think.
JustAnother0ldMan · 25/10/2021 20:31

@Morethanthis71
Crumbs, 20 years of crap sex, that’s just terrible

Sparrow789 · 25/10/2021 21:29

The thing is that there are no guarantees if you leave that you will find what you are looking for. There are so many things to weigh up, I think I would say that if you still like and respect your partner then it’s worth trying to compromise and to work through things with counselling. If you don’t even like them any more why on earth would you stay? As someone said earlier, start planning and getting your mind ready for the right moment. My DP always intended to stay and make the best life he could but a couple of major life events made him make the decision in the end. A couple of years on I am not sure he knows yet if it has been worth it for the anger he has had to endure from XW, the financial disruption and having to rebuild relationships with his children. We have no idea yet if or when the situation will settle enough for us to consider making a life together. I divorced years ago and my situation with ex and children is extremely amicable after a couple of difficult years so things can work out with effort from both. I think the most difficult thing is when the partner who doesn’t want sex is angry and dismissive of the other partner’s views and doesn’t want to let them go for other reasons such as financial security. In the end DP realised that after a couple of events that he no longer had to sacrifice his own happiness. So if any of you wonder what it is like ‘on the other side’ our relationship began as a FWB after we met through a hobby and developed very slowly into a relationship. We are late 50s and after a couple of years we still have a very loving and intimate relationship that has been very life enhancing for both of us.

TravelLost · 25/10/2021 21:41

There isn’t such a thing as not letting a partner go.

One can make their (ex) partner life a misery. Or can try to do that.
But you can’t stop someone from leaving a marriage. As (thankfully!!) many abusive men are realising when their victim walks away.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 25/10/2021 22:46

@CosmicUnicorn

What I’m wondering is…how do people move on from a sexless marriage and find happiness elsewhere (especially when children are involved - mine are 14 and 17)? I don’t want to end up like my mother (divorced at 48) who ended up never meeting another man!! I don’t get free time away from my youngest (I have her 100% of the time out of work) and worried about it and how people find someone else when they have kids! My eldest will be off to university next year, he hopes!
@CosmicUnicorn lots of people with kids at home still manage relationships. Your 14 yo doesn't need a babysitter at least. You'd be able to go out on dates or back to the chap's place. Your kids would presumably spend some nights with their dad, and the point of this is not just for him to spend time with them, but for you to get time off. That hasn't been an option for me as my kids rarely see their dad so there are always kids at home, and boyfriend and I aren't ready to tell our kids yet. We have gone to the Premier Inn when we both had teenagers at home; it was a top tip from Mumsnet and I think half their business is dates Wink
happylittletree · 26/10/2021 00:15

I don’t want to end up like my mother (divorced at 48) who ended up never meeting another man!!

This has led me to such a depressing realisation.

My (emotionally abusive) ex had no interest in sex with me for the last few years of our relationship. It's now been two years since I left and I have been totally celibate, while he is currently on holiday with our daughter and his new girlfriend. Sad

It all seems so unfair. Why is the sex withholder apparently thriving while I am completely alone, ugh.

Original poster
whyamidoingthisamimad · 26/10/2021 00:30

@happylittletree

I don’t want to end up like my mother (divorced at 48) who ended up never meeting another man!!

This has led me to such a depressing realisation.

My (emotionally abusive) ex had no interest in sex with me for the last few years of our relationship. It's now been two years since I left and I have been totally celibate, while he is currently on holiday with our daughter and his new girlfriend. Sad

It all seems so unfair. Why is the sex withholder apparently thriving while I am completely alone, ugh.

But be reassured you are not beholden to an abusive man not giving you the sex life you deserve! No sex/love is better than begrudged
OP posts:
happylittletree · 26/10/2021 00:36

@whyamidoingthisamimad it's true. It's better being alone than being alone with someone...

GoodnightGrandma · 26/10/2021 07:20

[quote happylittletree]@whyamidoingthisamimad it's true. It's better being alone than being alone with someone...[/quote]
Absolutely.
And I’m quite happy not having sex with DH, as it’s better than sex with him.
I come as often as I like now, yet I spent MANY nights lying in bed desperate to have him make love to me. He drank a bottle of wine instead.

JustAnother0ldMan · 26/10/2021 09:34

@CosmicUnicorn

What I’m wondering is…how do people move on from a sexless marriage and find happiness elsewhere (especially when children are involved - mine are 14 and 17)? I don’t want to end up like my mother (divorced at 48) who ended up never meeting another man!! I don’t get free time away from my youngest (I have her 100% of the time out of work) and worried about it and how people find someone else when they have kids! My eldest will be off to university next year, he hopes!
@CosmicUnicorn Just to add some context to this, I was matched and chatting to a divorced 49 year old with 2 children earlier this year, oldest was 18 and at Uni and her younger was 13 and lived with her 50% of the time, (I realise this is a bit different to your current arrangement), I chatted to this lady, and we had a couple of calls, unfortunately we didn’t ultimately meet as we lived too far apart really, but if had been a closer, we would have met and her children would just have been part and parcel of the arrangements and we would had to work with/ around.

Having kids shouldn’t stop you dating, most men who are dating ladies in their later 30s/ 40s or 50s really expect kids to be in the mix somewhere and it shouldn’t put you off really

Paris100 · 26/10/2021 15:44

In 2019, I ended my marriage of 15 years. We have 3 children, teens and younger and had not had sex since 2011. 8 years of feeling worthless, being ignored. Zero affection etc. ExH would not admit there was a problem, I encouraged him to talk, seek help etc, but he refused.
So I ended my marriage, difficult, but couldn’t face it anymore.
Shortly after, I met my now partner. He’s caring, attentive and desires my body. Ok, we have our ups and downs but he’s affectionate and a total contrast to my ExH.
What’s important though is the amount of people now who comment on how happy I look. I’ve proved that I can stand on my own two feet and if it doesn’t work out long term hey ho, but I did what was best for me.
So my advice would be not to accept a sexless relationship. Everyone needs a someone who is there for them and desires them.

1MillionDollars · 26/10/2021 18:53

@Paris100

Well done to you. I started to feel worthless and unimportant and the lowest of priorities. I'm quite an emotional person but think I'm strong. It affected me and I tried to carry on as if it didn't and that the stress I endured was normal and I was coping with it.

To new beginnings....

CosmicUnicorn · 26/10/2021 19:03

@JustAnother0ldMan
I don’t get much time to myself though, that’s the problem. The youngest won’t go with her dad at all. I had hoped we’d split the childcare 50/50. The older child is applying to universities for next year. I know they won’t be kids for much longer but in 4 years I will be 53 so the clock is ticking.

CosmicUnicorn · 26/10/2021 19:06

@Paris100 so glad it worked out for you. Your story gives the rest of us hope!

fucketyfuckwit · 26/10/2021 19:53

Can I join the thread please?

I'm in a sexless marriage too. Sex stopped shortly before we got married.

Both mine and his weight has fluctuated over the years. I have lost weight in the past hoping that it would make a difference and it hasn't.

I have spoken to him so many times about it and nothing changes. He won't take about it easily and in fact we only now talk about it via WhatsApp. That's how shit it is.

I can't afford to leave. Also, if I leave I know I wreck both his and our child's lives.

I'm not even sure that sex is what I am after anymore. I'm quite used to not having it. I just want him to want to have sex with me. That's what hurts.

I feel trapped.

He is a truly lovely man. He knows when I get frustrated and he tries his hardest to do more around the house and cooks for me.

I've paid a lot of money in the past for a couple of weekends away at a swish hotel. We've gone and we've had sex and it's been fine, but they were all planned and paid for by me. Never had he organised anything romantic.

He's kind, he's an amazing dad, he's a great husband in every other way other than this. This makes me feel like a sex crazed selfish bitch.

The resentment is growing.

I just need to find a way to live with it and be happy.

I've toyed with the idea of us sleeping in separate rooms. I think my own space would be good.

Does anyone here sleep in separate rooms?

Sorry, such a ramble!!!

GoodnightGrandma · 26/10/2021 20:43

Yes, we’re in separate rooms due to his snoring. But also as our relationship was disappearing I didn’t see why I should have to put up with it.
I shut the door when I’m getting changed now too.

CosmicUnicorn · 26/10/2021 20:56

We were in separate rooms for 2 years before he moved out. I used the menopausal hot flushes and restlessness at night as my excuse.