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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

553 replies

whyamidoingthisamimad · 14/10/2021 15:55

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

OP posts:
IsItJustMeOrYou · 18/11/2021 11:59

This is the topic on Jeremy Vine today. Sexless marriage. Might be worth a listen

19Bears · 18/11/2021 12:12

@Pky45 So really it's two sexless periods of 10 years and 4 years.

He's 53, I'm 44. To be honest, we didn't even start off with much sex when we met, and it dwindled to nothing!

It's not even the actual sex that I miss (and I certainly don't miss it with him, it was never good) it's the feeling wanted and loved and appreciated as a woman, not just someone who keeps the house clean....

When we had a conversation about it around a year ago, he too said he wasn't bothered if we never had sex again, as long as the family stayed together. I broke down and said I couldnt live like that, but he's just brushed it under the carpet as if my feelings count for nothing. But yes, like you, I feel terribly guilty for wanting to leave (I want him to leave) 'for sex' - he has told me in no uncertain terms how selfish I would be to do this.

19Bears · 18/11/2021 12:13

@IsItJustMeOrYou Oh wow, I'll give that a listen, thanks!

IknowwhatIneed · 18/11/2021 12:48

But yes, like you, I feel terribly guilty for wanting to leave (I want him to leave) 'for sex' - he has told me in no uncertain terms how selfish I would be to do this.

But it’s not “for sex” is it? It’s for the lack of closeness and intimacy outside the bedroom, it’s for feeling deeply rejected every single day, it’s not being seen as a woman, not being seen as desired. It’s being held to a vow that you’ll be faithful, while he withholds intimacy. It’s about not being able to meet your perfectly normal, human wish for a sex life. It’s about his need (to not have sex) taking priority over your need.

It becomes about sex, but it’s shorthand for so much more.

Pky45 · 18/11/2021 13:11

@19Bears
Oh blimey that sounds awful, I think we are the reverse situation

Our sex life was good to start with, but has dwindled to virtually nothing now, as my wife went through menopause she just shut up shop in that department. During lockdown I’ve been WFH, I’ve had more time to get out and exercise, I’ve lost weight and got fitter, I think this has helped with my hormones as well maybe as my sex drive has come back as well, I suddenly feel like l could have sex daily again ( probably couldn’t in reality).
And she is not interested…

19Bears · 18/11/2021 13:50

You're right @IknowwhatIneed it's a normal human need. Not just the sex itself, the intimacy, the connection, all of what should be normal in a relationship. I don't know if anyone listened to the Jeremy Vine show just now, but I did, and could have cried at the lady who phoned in to say she and her husband live as brother and sister and she feels heartbroken not having something so important in her life. She also exactly described my dh's attitude when I asked him to go to counselling - he said he was humiliated to have to talk to a stranger about our personal life, and that it should be something we only talk to each other about. Well the therapist on the radio said you do need to talk to someone who isn't in the relationship to get some clarity, and that being with someone for years and years does not automatically mean you can work it out between the two of you. The therapist also pointed out that the word sex covers many things, which we all know on this thread is what we're missing out on.

@Pky45 I am definitely at the point where I have lost all feeling for my dh, and wouldn't want him near me again. If your wife wanted you again, would the problems all be fixed? Would she go to a sex therapist? When I very first went to counselling on my own, she was there to assess where I should go next, and straight away said sex therapy was not what I needed, as there was nothing to work on! But maybe it would be for you?

19Bears · 18/11/2021 13:52

Oh and yes @Pky45 I have started running, and have discovered all the endorphins which come with it, meaning I finish my run horny, but with nowhere to put my horn, so to speak!

CosmicUnicorn · 18/11/2021 14:02

@19Bears It was ten years for me too (my doing). My youngest is coming up 14 and she was 9 months when we last did it (which was crap btw).

Pky45 · 18/11/2021 14:13

@19Bears

Oh and yes *@Pky45* I have started running, and have discovered all the endorphins which come with it, meaning I finish my run horny, but with nowhere to put my horn, so to speak!
Yep, l hear you, and I also have no where to put my horn, quite literally…
Morningsaregreat · 18/11/2021 14:22

On the J Vine show I felt sad for the woman who married a guy and went on to have a sexless relationship, and the unfortunate punchline was that he had done the same in his first marriage.

CosmicUnicorn · 18/11/2021 16:45

@19Bears @Pky45
Maybe you should put your horns together Wink

CosmicUnicorn · 18/11/2021 16:53

@Morningsaregreat

On the J Vine show I felt sad for the woman who married a guy and went on to have a sexless relationship, and the unfortunate punchline was that he had done the same in his first marriage.
I guess some men are asexual, crap at it or are hiding something!
MackenCheese · 18/11/2021 16:56

God, I wonder if all these people just ended their marriages, plus the people with "cheaters" for partners, how many of us would be happily married left? This is all so depressing. Fwiw I'm separated. No sex for 11 years. Had enough!

CosmicUnicorn · 18/11/2021 16:56

Oh, I missed the JV show!!

EngTech · 18/11/2021 17:35

[quote 19Bears]@Pky45 So really it's two sexless periods of 10 years and 4 years.

He's 53, I'm 44. To be honest, we didn't even start off with much sex when we met, and it dwindled to nothing!

It's not even the actual sex that I miss (and I certainly don't miss it with him, it was never good) it's the feeling wanted and loved and appreciated as a woman, not just someone who keeps the house clean....

When we had a conversation about it around a year ago, he too said he wasn't bothered if we never had sex again, as long as the family stayed together. I broke down and said I couldnt live like that, but he's just brushed it under the carpet as if my feelings count for nothing. But yes, like you, I feel terribly guilty for wanting to leave (I want him to leave) 'for sex' - he has told me in no uncertain terms how selfish I would be to do this.[/quote]
@19Bears, I can relate to the not being wanted. Even a hug would be nice but not to be

After being “Pushed away” for several years, you just stop making the effort as you know you will be re-buffed 🙁

whatif1000 · 19/11/2021 20:19

May I join too please. I'm in a long distance relationship. Just about hanging in there and just about as sad as can be. Love him dearly, would so so love to be closer but am honestly inside bereft and his promises of closeness have become the opposite. It's a diet of promises and big ideas and over 4 years. I stay because? What if. I had a crush on him for years before we got together. I'm a good person but I'm cracking up, turned away a date and yet for what? I'm not young anymore 50. There's lots of mitigation I could give him and it revolves around ED. I feel so disloyal for even posting. Apologies for the sad me down-load. So sorry to all for the heartache and loss here.

FabulousMrFifty · 19/11/2021 20:57

@whatif1000

If you partner is in his 50’s and suffering from ED, he really needs full health & heart and hormonal check

www.balance-menopause.com/menopause-library/018-low-testosterone-in-men-professor-geoffrey-hackett-dr-louise-newson/

ED is not inevitable, I’m 52 and everything is in full working order still.

AverageGuy · 24/11/2021 08:30

Thread has been quiet for a few days, so I'm just reaching out to say "Hi" to everyone.

Virtual long-distance Hugs to you all.

EngTech · 26/11/2021 17:26

@AverageGuy Hi to you lol

If the thread has gone quite, may mean that all issues have been sorted?

But being serious, at least by posting here, people know that are not the only ones in their situation 👍

Handoverthechocollate · 26/11/2021 18:03

We're all still here. Doing nothing 😂

EngTech · 26/11/2021 18:09

@Handoverchocolate If you have the chocolate, I can provide the wine 😹😹

UsedYourName · 28/11/2021 17:44

Can I join too please?

My DH and I don't have sex, he knows it hurts me, but this is an area we gave struggled with, really through our whole relationship. He had a major health issue 5 years ago and blames that but the problem has been there out whole 14 year relationship.

This is the thing though, we don't have the same issues that I am reading about with some posters. He does everything else for me. He encourages me, supports me in every way. He works hard and saves money for my future in case he gets sick again and the worst happens.

If I take a a new interest, he encourages me. He is my cheerleader in everything I do. He wouldn't bat an eyelid if I drew money from our savings and treated my mates to a weekend abroad. Would say I deserve it.

He talks to me, listens. He wants to hang out with me. He is super protective when my family over rely on me and I get upset and tired.

He does housework, takes me out to dinner, is a hands on Dad to our DS...my friends all say how lucky I am.

But, we don't have sex. On the odd occasion we do, he struggles to ejaculate inside me.

We have built such a nice life together, and I love him. He makes me laugh, and I do feel genuinely cared about. But, like others, the resentment is there.

I often think about having casual sex, but wouldn't know where to start. I thought about paying for it too.

I want to stay, but need to learn how to accept not having sex or consistent intimacy.

AverageGuy · 29/11/2021 08:54

@UsedYourName - He sounds like a good person.

Why don't you have sex? Do you initiate it, does he? Is it something that has tailed off over a long period of time, or was it a sudden stop?

You don't say how old he is - he may be suffering from ED, and be very embarrassed by it.

Does he do anything else? oral? masturbation? Does he hug or kiss you at all, or is there a complete lack of intimacy?

It sounds like you need to have a long talk with him. Would he consider couples counselling? What about an open marriage?

UsedYourName · 29/11/2021 09:11

I have suggested couples counselling, and he has refused. When I talk to him about it, this is the one aspect he shuts down on.

He isn't overly affectionate, as a rule, but does hold hands/cuddle in bed/kiss hello and goodbye. If I am sad or hurting about anything unrelated to this, his arms are always open.

I did think about the low testosterone thing. But honestly, trying to get him to the Dr would be impossible.

AverageGuy · 29/11/2021 10:48

@UsedYourName - ah, that's not good.

It sounds like he is ashamed or embarrassed by his inability. At least he is sometimes affectionate.

It’s incredibly difficult if one partner simply won’t face up to the fact that there is an issue and isn’t prepared to discuss it. I feel for you.

Maybe you will have to push him into discussing it somehow. I booked a night at a hotel for me & my XW when I just had to talk to her. It gave us the time & space to at least start the discussions without fear of being disturbed. It was the hardest thing I had done, but it did kick start our discussions – although the end result was divorce…