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Original poster

Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

553 replies

whyamidoingthisamimad · 14/10/2021 15:55

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

OP posts:
blameless · 16/11/2021 13:02

@FabulousMrFifty

My wife has a lot of issues over sex, some stemming from childhood, others influenced by abusive relationships, particularly with her father. She has always refused any form of therapy or counselling.
When we wanted to start a family, she was enthusiastic, but after a miscarriage she was very depressed and during her second pregnancy, I was terrified of touching her in case of a repeat.
She's a good mother, we both enjoy a very close relationship with our much loved child and I cherish the access that I have had and that continues.
The fact that we remain together is probably heavily influenced by the fact that both our fathers abandoned us as children and I want better for my child.

FabulousMrFifty · 16/11/2021 14:17

@blameless
Wow kudos, take my hat off to you 🍻

Lana07 · 16/11/2021 15:30

[quote CosmicUnicorn]@Lana07
Yes, but she is soooo happy! All the time! Like a spring chicken. Makes me sad that I was so unhappy and still had to work my ass off![/quote]
This fact proves that working too hard for some people (women) can be not that good for their happiness levels.

Lana07 · 16/11/2021 15:35

Be proud of yourself and your career achievements. Well done!

What is your ambitious star sign I wonder?

I would never want to rely 100% financially on my husband.

It's good if marriage/relations last but if they don't - most women who never worked have to find themselves a job (very often low paid) starting at the bottom in their 40s and 50s trying to survive financially.

Also, not all people live into their 80s and 90s and there is never a financial security guarantee for a housewife.

CosmicUnicorn · 16/11/2021 17:00

@Lana07
I’m an Aries.
My mother was one of those women and, when her marriage ended, she had to rely on social security to survive and bring me up. That is what made me so ambitious and able to support myself (my stbx is now struggling financially as he depended on me so much for money). It’s been hard though especially with lack of support etc.

EngTech · 16/11/2021 17:15

It is good to see that this thread is well balanced and I for one appreciate that I am not alone, and yes, I am male

My guess is that if this a snap shot of small sample of people, what are the real numbers in the whole of the UK?

A fair few of the comments sound very familiar to me as well

Keep your chin up all, take comfort that you are the only one in this situation

Lana07 · 16/11/2021 17:59

[quote CosmicUnicorn]@Lana07
I’m an Aries.
My mother was one of those women and, when her marriage ended, she had to rely on social security to survive and bring me up. That is what made me so ambitious and able to support myself (my stbx is now struggling financially as he depended on me so much for money). It’s been hard though especially with lack of support etc.[/quote]
Aries can be quite ambitious.

I am Leo. Leos can be ambitious too. I am.

EngTech · 16/11/2021 18:04

That should have been not the only one, mea culpa 😳

CosmicUnicorn · 16/11/2021 18:17

@EngTech
There are probably loads of couples living in sexless marriages. Some are content with other things in their marriage to continue, some aren’t and end it - then there are people who stay for financial reasons or for the children but live an unhappy, unfulfilled life.
I couldn’t talk to anyone about it in real life so I’m glad I found this place! It’s such a personal issue that most people won’t discuss it with anyone. That was me. I bottled my feelings up for years!

CosmicUnicorn · 16/11/2021 18:19

@Lana07
Good to be ambitious! Smile

CosmicUnicorn · 16/11/2021 18:24

I wonder how many women - in the days when women ‘stayed at home’ - wanted to run for the hills…

I was the first female in my family to go to university. My mother had a job before she had children (I’m the youngest of 3) and my grandmother didn’t work at all either once she was married. My mother actually looked horrified when I said I wanted to go to university and get a career and she’d constantly say I should be at home ‘with the children’ when I was working. I did work part time for ten years though! Both kids are bright (my eldest got 9’s in most of his GCSE’s) so it didn’t do them that much harm! Shame I refused to be tied to the kitchen sink Grin.

Ducksareruiningmypatio · 16/11/2021 18:59

Best thing that ever happened to me was my sexless relationship ending.
I will never stay in a sexless relationship again.
I went a bit wild rediscovering my sexiness but have settled down with someone that makes me feel incredible.
We are both early 40s and have sex 4-5 times a week.
My ex and I went 2 years before our final (extraordinarily shit) last time. We split within weeks.
He felt the need to tell me that his new relationship is pretty devoid of sex. I'm not surprised and really couldn't care less

Sillawithans · 16/11/2021 23:05

I've read the first few pages and can relate to at least one sentence in every reply.

CosmicUnicorn · 17/11/2021 05:17

@Sillawithans
It’s sad isn’t it?

whereismyhappyplace · 17/11/2021 08:10

Well I don't know how I managed to miss this thread till now as it's me all over, I feel like I've 'found my tribe'

In the beginning our sex life was amazing, we seemed so compatible, both reasonably adventurous / experienced / similar sex drive

Then slowly but surely it went off a cliff, he was no longer up for it as much, I then felt like a pest so pulled away.

Then ED. Depression. Weight gain.

And then came his general arsehole behaviour so I wouldn't want him coming near me even supposing he wanted to.

And voila, here we are, not far off 10 years since we last had sex.

In that time I had a long affair as I craved the physical closeness of sex and the man I was with couldn't keep his hands off me, it was absolutely intoxicating after the lack of anything from my H.

The affair ended long ago, although we are reconnecting nowadays but so many things have changed that it's tricky to manage.

There are days that I would 100% like to leave but I don't as I simply can't afford to, but things on the arseholery and depression front may force my hand one day, when you add that to the sexless marriage it all adds up to a pile of shit.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories, it does help to know there are others out there going through similar.

GentlemanJayFab · 17/11/2021 08:37

@whereismyhappyplace

Well I don't know how I managed to miss this thread till now as it's me all over, I feel like I've 'found my tribe'

In the beginning our sex life was amazing, we seemed so compatible, both reasonably adventurous / experienced / similar sex drive

Then slowly but surely it went off a cliff, he was no longer up for it as much, I then felt like a pest so pulled away.

Then ED. Depression. Weight gain.

And then came his general arsehole behaviour so I wouldn't want him coming near me even supposing he wanted to.

And voila, here we are, not far off 10 years since we last had sex.

In that time I had a long affair as I craved the physical closeness of sex and the man I was with couldn't keep his hands off me, it was absolutely intoxicating after the lack of anything from my H.

The affair ended long ago, although we are reconnecting nowadays but so many things have changed that it's tricky to manage.

There are days that I would 100% like to leave but I don't as I simply can't afford to, but things on the arseholery and depression front may force my hand one day, when you add that to the sexless marriage it all adds up to a pile of shit.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories, it does help to know there are others out there going through similar.

You are going to go one day. Don't put it off.
Sillawithans · 17/11/2021 18:57

@CosmicUnicorn it absolutely is. Soul destroying in fact. I've tried talking my partner, nothing changes. He's only just turned 38, I can't make sense of it. I'm not interested in fixing it anymore to be honest, can't fix it on my own anyway. I'm not ashamed of it one bit but I've had a crush on someone for 2 years. Recently he told me how he feels about me so I'm gonna go for it.

My partner doesn't sleep in our bed anymore, life is flying by and I'm not wasting it anymore.

I'd say we had sex 6 times ish this year.

When i walk he'll be wondering why, the mind boggles it really does.

CosmicUnicorn · 17/11/2021 19:46

@Sillawithans
You do right not wasting your life anymore. I regret not doing something sooner.
What’s the story? He’s only 38? Is it him that doesn’t want to or you?

Sillawithans · 17/11/2021 21:44

@CosmicUnicorn it's him. He can watch porn though so I know he wants it just not with me. I used to be so sad about it but not so much now.
I just can't work him out. I used to want the answer as to why but I've come to terms with the fact that I may never know the answer and that's ok.

CosmicUnicorn · 18/11/2021 01:49

@Sillawithans
Do you have children?

Pky45 · 18/11/2021 07:30

[quote Sillawithans]@CosmicUnicorn it absolutely is. Soul destroying in fact. I've tried talking my partner, nothing changes. He's only just turned 38, I can't make sense of it. I'm not interested in fixing it anymore to be honest, can't fix it on my own anyway. I'm not ashamed of it one bit but I've had a crush on someone for 2 years. Recently he told me how he feels about me so I'm gonna go for it.

My partner doesn't sleep in our bed anymore, life is flying by and I'm not wasting it anymore.

I'd say we had sex 6 times ish this year.

When i walk he'll be wondering why, the mind boggles it really does.[/quote]
Same boat here, but I think your doing well with 6 times, I’ve had it twice this year.

When I go she will be asking why, and yes the mind does boggle, but a divorce will sort that out.

AverageGuy · 18/11/2021 09:46

It's not impossible to change things, but it can be painful.

Sending virtual long-distance hugs to all those on this thread... HUGS!

CosmicUnicorn · 18/11/2021 09:51

@AverageGuy
Thanks x
I’m more concerned about the effect it’s having on others rather than myself but, if so hadn’t have done anything, what state would I have ended up in especially when the kids were both off to university and he was retired driving me mad!

19Bears · 18/11/2021 10:29

@Pky45 and @Sillawithans Two times and six times this year??!! Christ on a bike, that's a successful sex life to me lol Confused

I have just been looking at my medications record on the NHS app as I wondered exactly how long I had not been using or needing contraception - last time I had a prescription for the pill was 2006. Bloody 2006!!! So not only have we not had sex since our youngest was conceived in 2011, making it 10 years of a sexless marriage from that point, I came off the pill in 2006 to conceive our eldest in 2007, and there was nothing in between!!!!! Actually, I remember buying a pack of 12 condoms when I started dating dh, and never bought any more. Probably didn't even finish the packet. God, this is more tragic than I even realised!!! I wonder how many times exactly me and dh have had sex in 16 years........ Sad Angry

Pky45 · 18/11/2021 11:54

@19Bears
10 years, that’s mad, can I ask please, how old you & your partner are and what is you miss, the actual act of sex, or being wanted by someone, the desire part.

Both me & my wife are in our 50s, and sex used to be good for us, but now she is Post menopause, and doesn’t seem to want sex anymore.

Earlier this year we had quite a argument about sex, she claimed she would be happy never having sex again, which pissed me off, as that just leave me high and dry, so to speak, so I’m really unhappy and want to leave now, but also feel guilty about it.