@Catshaveiteasy
Similar story to me although I hadn’t had the sexual experience (apart from a quick session in a car once that lasted five seconds) before I met my husband so I had no idea what I was missing out on. I was very shy back then and avoided the male species like the plague!
Like you, we struggled to conceive with the second conceived by IUI (artificially). I wasn’t really attracted to him and realised that I hadn’t been from day one. This is probably why I struggled to conceive even though both of us had had fertility tests which came back fine. I never enjoyed sex with him and never orgasmed! Ever! He was an on/off guy and did nothing to pleasure me. I was so naive though, I didn’t realise what I was missing! He was a decade older than me and similar situation as yours, as we got older, was that he irritated me and I found him boring. I started to realise the connection just wasn’t there. I grew up without a father and sometimes think my husband was a replacement father at times. I desperately wanted to be a mum and sacrificed my true happiness to pursue that. I knew my marriage wasn’t ideal and I hadn’t listened to the alarm bells ringing.
He never suffered ED but he was just so boring in bed and lacked passion. Tbh, I lacked passion with him but I now know it was because - deep down - I wasn’t attracted to him and was pretending that I could live with it. I am a very passionate person btw - I would often fantasise watching some gorgeous actor on tv and feeling sad I couldn’t experience that in real life. I did live with it tbh but I ended our sex life - what was left of it - after the birth of our second child (she’s now almost 14). So, lived in a sexless marriage for over a decade. He was never affectionate at all and could be quite critical of me (when, I’m actually quite a good looking woman - and still am at the age of 49). He wouldn’t and couldn’t kiss to save his life! I kept myself busy with other things - my career, raising the kids (I was part time for ten years but I’ve been full time since 2016 and now in management), and spending time with my mum (who I lost in 2015). I thought that was my life and I had to accept it.
Roll on to 2017 and the menopause hit me like a train! I’d lost my mum and the kids were more independent. I became obsessed with sex after a few months of my periods ending (which they did abruptly with no warning). Out of control tbh and it lasted a good 6 months. Horny as hell! I now know this is the sex surge of menopause which I had never heard of (it never settled completely btw). I still couldn’t go near my husband. I was also lonely as my mum was no longer around and he was unsupportive and just saw me as his domestic slave (like his mother was). I got involved with someone else. It went too far but I now know why. I won’t go into details but we became extremely close and my head was turned and I experienced passion, affection and connection for the first time in my life. Sadly, he is married too but also living in a sexless marriage - guilt got to him over and over and I knew I was getting hurt. It has gone on for a few years but he has cut contact again recently. I know I have to move on. It is wrong. I felt in turmoil for a long time. I knew my marriage was fake and took the tough decision to end it last year. I began to feel extremely anxious around my husband after being with someone else (and, it was more than once). I knew I had been living in a cold marriage for over 20 years and it was like someone had taken the rose tinted glasses off. I had been so sexually inexperienced before I married him I didn’t realise how incompatible we were (not just sexually). I also started to notice how other men were interested in me (I had buried my head in the sand before). I even have a 36 year old at work making it very clear ‘he would’ and it’s very clear he has a crush on me. I wouldn’t btw!! I don’t feel guilty about the other guy - I know that I should. I feel despair at what I have missed out on!!! Someone that I connected with and truly desired (and he desired me). What I’d had had been fake. Not real. I realised. I went through a really bad time when reality hit and my GP put me on the sick (for the first time ever) for 2 months in 2018 and I saw a counsellor a few times. Both of them agreed the marriage wasn’t a marriage. We were just living together for the sake of it. Menopause shook me up and woke me up!! I am still more sexual now (but no-one to play with as Im still waiting for the final divorce to come through) a few years on. I feel very bitter at what I ended up with - maybe I should’ve played the field a bit when I was younger? I had to make the tough decision to split up the family and I will have to sell the family home (that I am still in). He inherited another property and moved into that. Luckily, I earn a decent salary and can afford to buy somewhere else (a 3 bedroom house is sufficient) but I won’t lie - I am bricking it daily! However, I have to go through with this as there was no love in the marriage. I feel very, very different now about everything.
It will eat you up inside, as it did me. Nobody deserves to live like that. I’m guessing you’re a similar age to me (I’m 49) but the last 5 years have been a massive wake up call and one that I couldn’t ignore.