Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

@Starvinmarv - I'm so sorry for your situation. I agree with @DivorcedAndDelighted, an affair (if you could find someone) isn't the way to go.

Could you possibly discuss an open marriage? It doesn't work for everyone, but that way, it wouldn't be an afffair, because everyone knows.

I've posted this privately to someone else on the thread who reached out to me, but...

To those that feel trapped in a relationship, ask yourselves how much it has cost you in anger, resentment, wasted time and opportunity?

How long do you have left to live? Do you really want to spend it in a relationship that doesn't work?

Children are remarkably flexible and versitile - they will adapt. Money can be replaced (not easily, I accept that), plus, you can't take it with you, and no-one knows how long they have.

Maybe it's time to move on, and start living again.

Or we could book that hotel, and have a sexless marriage support group meeting!

It is yes. Mine is similar now with moods but it’s not always been that way. She shouts at everything, including our dog! She was a pleasant person in the early days but still didn’t want sex much. Now she is just angry and bitter all the time. I’ve tried so hard to do things to make her happier and give her space/time to do her own things but it’s made zero difference. She even had an brief emotional affair herself about 9 years ago which rubbed salt in the already open wounds. I forgave that and for a month or two after, things looked brighter but it was short lived.

Yeah, mine was lovely when we got together, and the sex was really good, but the sex slowly dried up and now she is post menopause you never know which version of her is going to make an appearance.

And If dare say anything about her moods etc, just get my head bit off.

@Starvinmarv

Last had sex 2 months ago. Drunken and not very good. Time before that was 2 years ago! I would say it’s less than 10 times in the last 10 years. Awful. My wife is just not interested anymore and we don’t even sleep in the same bedroom any longer. It’s not easy to leave as we have a child with needs. I am climbing the walls now.

I have decided to try to have an affair/discreet fwb but don’t know where to start. I tried that fabswingers place but it’s just full of men so no good for me. A lady did reply once to say thanks for the message but in the short exchange we had, she said she has received 200 messages since joining 2 days earlier! Obviously easier for women on there.

What to do, where to find what I am looking for?

What has my life become….

You need to go on one of those websites for people who are attached but want a discrete affair. Use a different email because one of them got hacked and the email addresses publicised and lots of people were found out!

Really I think most of us want that mental and physical connection though. It's not just about sex.

@TravelLost
I agree with this too. So many women are finding that romantic relationships are not the key to happiness. Single women are happier. Life with men ends up with domestic drudgery for so many women and they aren't prepared to put up with it.

However, my children have brought me so much joy I've put up with so much in my relationship to ensure they are safe and loved as I didn't have that growing up.

Stil, none of this solves our issues!
I luckily kept my rampant rabbit from my single life (my DP would actually find it disgusting that I have it! )

@RiverSkater

Yes I want connection too. Someone who might actually care how my day has been. It’s not just sex. I realise it’s a minefield though and there is no guarantee of success anyway which might make me feel even worse! I accept that a clean break would probably be a better option but it’s really not doable at the moment. Maybe I will just have to suck it up.

Menopause changes women. Are any of these women on HRT? I’m not and admit I was moody with my husband before I told him it was over. I feel that menopause made my feelings, that we’re already there, magnified. I knew that I didn’t want to be intimate with him or have sex with him and we hadn’t done anything for over ten years. It was a bad fit! I was naive when I married him.
Menopause opened up my eyes!

Menopause has a lot to answer for. I'm amazed that we know as little about it's affects as we do!

I liken it to the rush of hormones that a adolescent has.. An almost complete body chemsitry change! It's no wonder a woman gets moody / confused / goes off sex (or her sex drive goes through the roof)

I honestly think we need to go on a course or something, so that we're not surprised by it when it hits...

@AverageGuy

Menopause has a lot to answer for. I'm amazed that we know as little about it's affects as we do!

I liken it to the rush of hormones that a adolescent has.. An almost complete body chemsitry change! It's no wonder a woman gets moody / confused / goes off sex (or her sex drive goes through the roof)

I honestly think we need to go on a course or something, so that we're not surprised by it when it hits...

Here you go - Menopause and relationships - A guide for partners. Lots of wonderful information for women and for health professionals too on Dr Louise Newson's Menopause charity site.

@DivorcedAndDelighted - excellent. Thanks. Shame it's not required reading!

@DivorcedAndDelighted
Wowser seriously, nothing to do with menopause, but was listening to the podcast about ED & didn’t realise it was such an early indicator or heart /coronary disease & diabetes in men.

I thought I understood the link between heart issues and erections and where viagra fitted in, but this makes it really clear,
Thanks again.

Absolutely @FabulousMrFifty and @AverageGuy, we all need to look out for each other, and I'm glad you think this might be helpful. Problems in the bedroom can be symptoms of bigger issues with health, or with the relationship. Such a tragedy when people won't even try to see if anything can be done to help.
I think it comes down to whether one's partner wants to try to improve things. If your partner knows you are unhappy about the lack of sex, but won't discuss it or try to improve things, then lack of sex is the least of your worries. If you're on the same team then you want each other to be as well and happy as possible.

For any man or woman, this is absolutely fascinating, the links between heart disease/ testosterone/ diabetes all potentially indicated years in advance by ED

www.balance-menopause.com/menopause-library/018-low-testosterone-in-men-professor-geoffrey-hackett-dr-louise-newson/

@FabulousMrFifty That link is interesting. I’d have never thought about heart issues being connected to ED. That’s quite scary!

@DivorcedAndDelighted
Thanks for the links. I find it no coincidence that my parents divorced when my mum was 48, the exact same age I was when I filed for divorce. I’d always swore I’d never do it but here I am! I’d always lived with a marriage that wasn’t ideal. We were nothing more than friends and I wasn’t attracted to him the way I should be (plus I think he has low testosterone or something as he was never what you’d call sexual or passionate) plus we didn’t really connect as I got older. My mum died when I was 43 so wasn’t around for me to ask.
Love your username btw!

@AverageGuy
Hormones are powerful things. When an embryo is conceived it takes exactly the same form of development for the first few weeks, regardless if it is male or female. It is hormones that change the embryo into a boy or a girl. Powerful stuff! Then there’s puberty, PMT/periods, pregnancy and childbirth! All controlled by hormones. Then the dreaded menopause! I think females definitely get the rough deal!

I sometimes think that hormones can also affect someone’s sexuality. Too much or too little of one of the sex hormones can cause a person to go one way or another. I also think hormones can be responsible for a lot of crimes - rapes, murders - although that’s my scientist head overthinking! Possible though.

@CosmicUnicorn
Indeed, ED in men often seems to be taken as a bit of joke, or something to be ashamed about, but you realise it’s a early warning for some really serious (potentially fatal) Heath issues, it’s makes you think twice.

@FabulousMrFifty
And like menopause, ED isn’t really discussed so most people wouldn’t realise it can be connected to a heart issue.

Well I think menopause can lead to women feeling like, for the first time in 20 years plus, I am going to out myself first, rather than everyone else.

I spent decades putting kids first, and pandering to arsehole ex, and then decided I am not doing another 25 years plus of that.

So there's that.

[quote FabulousMrFifty]For any man or woman, this is absolutely fascinating, the links between heart disease/ testosterone/ diabetes all potentially indicated years in advance by ED

www.balance-menopause.com/menopause-library/018-low-testosterone-in-men-professor-geoffrey-hackett-dr-louise-newson/[/quote]
Thank you for posting this, my hubby has actually listened to it with me, and seems to want to do something about it, , there may be hope yet!

@wewereliars
That sounds about right!

@friedpickles
Hopefully it will help you

@whyamidoingthisamimad

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

Myself and my partner have been together almost 10 years and have 2 children. If I'm honest we don't have a lot of sex and he mentions it, I don't try enough if I'm honest but for me sometimes I just want a kiss and a cuddle but I know that will lead to sex. So sometimes I avoid it, I need emotional intimacy while he needs physical so it's a hard balancing act because he says I don't try but likewise I think he doesn't really realise what I need. But we both want to work on it so I suppose that's maybe where we differ. But I 100% have a low sex drive, I'm unsure whether it's my meds or me in general. I don't have great confidence so that doesn't always help either.

I have asked for a separation.

He has not even said it's not what he wants or said we can work on it or he'll do anything differently. Just sulked about it and refuses to engage with any practicalities. He's behaving like I've dropped a big bombshell and he didn't see it coming.

It's not just the sex, it's the complete lack of emotional intimacy. I am dealing with a lot of very difficult things at the moment and would rather BE alone than FEEL alone and unsupported with it all.

Interestingly he mentioned renewing life insurance a few weeks ago because he was worried about the link between ED and heart issues and wanted to do it before seeing a doctor in case something was up.

I have mentioned (tiptoed around as it was not to be discussed) the many health concerns that could cause ED for 10 years but he would never ever see a doctor about it even though when we first got together he was only 30. He said it was psychological so I flattered and complimented him all the time to boost his confidence even though the performance was lacklustre and dull.

But I loved him and had been with people where the sex was amazing but they were horrible to me so it seemed like a good enough swap. It really really grinds you down after 10 years though. I'm only 37. I can't agree to never having sex again.

@guardianegg

Try and get him to listen to this, there is no tiptoeing around, the links between ED & Heart Disease & Diabetes are all spelled out.

www.balance-menopause.com/menopause-library/018-low-testosterone-in-men-professor-geoffrey-hackett-dr-louise-newson/