Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

@RiverSkater I could have written similar, mine though has ED due to weight, but just no interest in losing weight to help the issue, has had afew viagra pills over the last 7 years which didnt work, got a prescription for an alternative (at my request) and no luck, I asked if he found me attractive anymore, he ignored the question as he was offended I would ask! even though his actions and words don't show me he does. Menopause has made my sex drive intensify! I am living in a fantasy world in my head, keep hoping he will change, as he can be really lovely, soul destroying is the best way of describing it.

@Jaguarshoes

I wonder how many people are stuck in these types of situations due to finances/kids. Divorce rates are so high, imagine if it was easier to divorce. I wonder how many marriages would make it to the end if that was the case. We’ve started relationship counselling and at the moment it’s not improved anything but it’s early days.

When no fault divorce becomes law in the UK next year, divorce will. Be easier as you won’t need blame.

Personally I think there is a massive number of unhappy women going down the no fault divorce route next few years, followed by a smaller number of unhappy men.
I also (personally), think this is going to cause one of biggest set of social changes this country has seen for 100 years.

@whyamidoingthisamimad

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

Have you considered a FWB arrangement? There are lots of people in the same position.

Very very (and lots more verys!) tongue in cheek, but..
I've occasionally thought that those of us in this situation should book a hotel, and have a weekend where we could discuss our issues amongst like minded people, and maybe help each other out, iyswim...

@AverageGuy

Very very (and lots more verys!) tongue in cheek, but.. I've occasionally thought that those of us in this situation should book a hotel, and have a weekend where we could discuss our issues amongst like minded people, and maybe help each other out, iyswim...

I was in a long sexless marriage with my late husband who had ED and all sorts of issues around sex. It was never very good but just about passable in the early days but dwindled completely for many years. He told me either I was putting him under too much pressure hence the ED of that I wasn’t interested and therefore it was my fault we didn’t have sex. The honest answer was that it was so hard for him to stay hard or even get hard I didn’t want to try because of the rejection. He just wasn’t bothered at all about changing it and I think his issues were deep rooted. It had pretty much got to the point where I wasn’t sure our marriage would survive when he became terminally ill. In all other senses we got on brilliantly but he simply didn’t find me sexually attractive.

When he died I had an intensely sexual fling with a man several years older than me. I simply couldn’t believe that there were men out there with libidos like teenagers. It was utterly mind blowing and he totally taught me that I was still a sexual person with nerds

I’ve been with my partner now for a couple of years and was upfront with him from the start that sex was important to me. We have a brilliant sexual relationship. Regular, exciting and fulfilling. It’s a total gamechanger. I know it’s hard to leave and I don’t know if I ever would have but there are defintely people out there who do want it and see it as really important

I agree @CosmicUnicorn about people staying together for financial reasons (whether it’s because they are not financially independent or because they dint want to give up an asset).

I know I am. That’s the problem with having a chronic illness and being unable to work much.

Having done quite a bit of counselling for myself, I think there are other issues at play, along the lines of boundaries and being able to assert those boundaries, Incl saying ‘enough is enough’ and mean it.

Tbh I don’t think that what will make the biggest difference to divorce rates is the new law on divorce.

I think that what will make a huge difference is when all women have woken up to patriarchy and whats it’s doing to them. When they realise they are accepting a lot of stuff they shouldn’t. I doubt many women would stay married after waking up to how they are treated.

@AverageGuy You're only saying what we're all thinking!

@RiverSkater I totally relate to your post
*Ten years here. As soon as we had our second, I was carrying every responsibility and he just kept letting me down. That is not attractive. Then he seemed to want to be an old man and moany hypochondriac. Now he's put on weight, and won't look after his health.

If I did cartwheels naked he'd not notice and that is soul destroying. He loves family life but doesn't want a real woman in his life, just a cook and housekeeper. I've told him we are broken and to discuss it with somebody in his family but he's got his head in the sand.

My sex drive is through the roof after menopause. But how do you break up your family unit for sex?*

Exactly the same here. Nearly 11 years without sex here. He won't look after himself properly, despite having a pulmonary embolism a few years ago and being told to have a more healthy lifestyle. He lives on microwave meals and pot noodles, lies on the sofa every evening, and struggles to get up off it as if he's about to give birth. As well as leaving everything to me as far as the house and the kids go, I'm not exactly driven wild with passion either, no. And also exactly like you, I literally walk around in the tiniest towel after a bath, bend over in front of him in my running gear, dress nice for work every day while he sits at his desk in his dressing gown, and he doesn't give me a second glance. Around a year ago when he was realising I might just be serious about not being happy in this situation, he said to me, "I need you." Yeah, like a child needs their mother, not how a man needs a woman.... It's soul destroying not to feel like a woman for years and years and years. But as you say, the decision you have to make is whether to untie your family because you want sex, or stick with it and plod on. Well, it's not just sex is it. It's the connection you feel with someone who understands you and sees you. It's not even excitement you crave, it's comfort. This might sound weird, but one of my DCs was stroking my hair yesterday while we were watching Pointless, and I could have cried, feeling that I would LOVE this from a man. Just a touch from someone who loves you.
DH is away for a couple of days, and it has been such a relief. I'm dreading him coming back. I'll hear his key in the door early tomorrow morning and my heart will sink. Why am in not in a relationship where I can't wait to hear that key and for him to climb into bed with me, tell me how much he's missed me, and do what any normal couple would do? Why can't I have that???!!!

@19Bears - I totally relate to what you are saying. This is not just about being in a sexless marriage (which btw, is apparently PIV less than five times a year...), it's about intimacy (or the complete lack of).

Just holding hands with someone, or giving them a hug, or cuddles (god I love cuddles!), kissing, touching, stroking... sigh...

I have to say that, in my experience, having sex with someone that actually wants to have sex with you after years of not having that is an incredibly emotional experience.

I found it hard to believe that any woman was interested in me (despite the fact that I've kept myself trim & fit, I always felt my age was an issue), so that first time was probably the most exciting and nervous evening of my life...

@AverageGuy So I could have had 55 more goes than I have done, and still qualify as sexless?? Mind blown!!

Yes, all those lovely things should be in everyone's lives. I hate how resentful I've become, as if dh is imprisoning me in this unhappy life when I could have all of those things with someone else. And I could have, but I let him go.....

The thing is, I want dh to have all those things too. He is never going to get them from me, and he could very well find it with someone else. But he's determined that we are a family and should stay that way forever. It seems insane to me. But if I go ahead with what I want, I look like the bad guy, throwing it all away for a selfish shag, which is how he sees it.

I'm so glad you found someone!!! What's the situation now??!

@19Bears - I decided that I didn't want a "proper" realtionship. I'd spent so long in something that wasn't working, that I simply don't want to risk that again...

So, to be completely honest with everyone here, I decided I would only look for a casual relationship - ideally a FWB situation.

Before lockdown (Jan 2019), I met with a lady from a "normal" dating site, that had lost her long-term partner (he died in her arms), who, due to health issues, couldn't have piv. She was in a simlar situation, and didnt want a "proper" relationship.

Our first kiss was mind-blowing... It was supposed to be a peck on the cheek, but turned into a full blown passionate snog, as the chemistry between us exploded... If we hadn't been in a car park...

We were FWB for almost a year before circumstances meant we had to split.

Fast forward to today, and I'm still only looking for casual relationships. I'm on most on-line dating sites, as well as Fabswingers & Killing Kittens. I have a FWB, and am an occasional third for a couple.

I've (obviously! ) re-discovered my sex drive, and am keen to experiment and explore. I definitely focus on my partner much more than I did as a kid. I'm not worried about me - I wasn't allowed to do things like foreplay with my xw, so I'm taking advantage of the fact that I can now!

I reealise I probably shouldn't be on this thread, but I want to give you all hope that there is a world of intimacy and sex out there!

I'm really pleased that you are rediscovering yourself @AverageGuy !!! Why bloody not!!! And the third person.....woooo! Good for you, I say.
You are giving me hope :)

How are things with you @whyamidoingthisamimad ?

@19Bears I agree it’s so much more than just sex. It’s about intimacy and connection too. How well you get on in and out of the bedroom. You should leave him.

@AverageGuy
Behave yourself!

@CosmicUnicorn - why? I spent too much of my life behaving myself, and doing the right thing... I've got much less life ahead of me than I have in front.

Life is too short!

That should read "much more life behind me than in front... (doh!)

@AverageGuy
Just be careful, that’s all

It’s interesting how many women found that their sex drive increased with menopause. Glad I’m not alone in that one. I went through a good 6 months where my sex drive was intense! I’m still more sexual than I was pre-menopause and my last period was July 2017! I thought women were meant to go the other way and dry up and lock up the vaginal door!

Last had sex 2 months ago. Drunken and not very good. Time before that was 2 years ago! I would say it’s less than 10 times in the last 10 years. Awful. My wife is just not interested anymore and we don’t even sleep in the same bedroom any longer. It’s not easy to leave as we have a child with needs. I am climbing the walls now.

I have decided to try to have an affair/discreet fwb but don’t know where to start. I tried that fabswingers place but it’s just full of men so no good for me. A lady did reply once to say thanks for the message but in the short exchange we had, she said she has received 200 messages since joining 2 days earlier! Obviously easier for women on there.

What to do, where to find what I am looking for?

What has my life become….

@Starvinmarv How old is your wife? And, you?

@Starvinmarv you're unlikely to get what you want via an affair tbh. Few women want just sex without a relationship - I was one of them, for a while, but soon grew to need more. Surely it's better to rip the plaster off and build a real, full and loving relationship with someone new who appreciates you? You can concentrate on being a good father to your child while separate from his /her mother. I've yet to meet anybody who's said "I'm so glad my parents stayed in a dead relationship for my sake"
If you look for an affair, you're likely to end up leaving the marriage anyway. But in a much more messy and hurtful way.

I’m 50, she is 45. It’s been like this for 10 years or more though to be honest. At it’s very very best in the first two years it was never more than 2/3 times a month. I should have walked away then but when you love someone it’s hard. I would give me right arm for 2/3 times a month now. It’s been 2 times in the last 3 years.

@DivorcedAndDelighted

I know what you mean but it’s very difficult. I know she would move back to where her family are from and that’s 150 miles away. She has threatened this before when we have had discussions. I think she likes the lifestyle we have but doesn’t like or want (certainly not with me anyway) sex.

@Starvinmarv
I know exactly what you are saying, my missus is the same post menopause, we’ve had sex twice this year (both times were pretty crap, she was clearly just doing it to show willing ) but it’s the moods and grumpiness that is the worst, she was shouting at the poor dog this morning, and she hasn’t done anything wrong either.

I end up sleeping in the space room as lot as well as my wife snores now, so I’m not really sure I would want to sex with her.

It the finances really that keep me here not we can realistically afford to split, if she walked out tomorrow I really wouldn’t care ( as long as she left me the dog 🐩).
Last couple of years, I’ve built a hobby / lifestyle away from home with other people and that’s really helped, but sometimes I kinda dread coming home again just because of what mood she will be in.
It’s a shit way to live really isn’t it ?