My mother just put a cat above me and her grandchildren.

[StickersStickers]

Long story short (there’s a thread) my mother took in a car that won’t use a litter box and is pooing in the house. I call everyday to clean up before I go to pick up my youngest from school. It was just about bearable but now the cat is in the carpeted living room and pooing in there.

I told her today that I can no longer bring my children as it’s not safe and she just said fine - that the cat is all she has. My visits are just flying visits and I can take her to my house to see the girls.

I don’t know If I want advice or just a bit of a rant. I can’t talk to my mother - if I say the sky is blue she’ll say it’s white. She doesn’t listen to doctors or physios or anyone who tries to help. It’s her way or no way.

She took in a cat obviously, not a car. I’m just drained.

I think I can guess the answer, but what happens if you stop cleaning up after the cat?

Why were you cleaning up after the cat?

@SickAndTiredAgain

Why were you cleaning up after the cat?

I wonder that too. If you are cleaning then she won't experience the truly disgusting negative affects of cat shit in the house. Just stop going to her house. And if she decides in a week that she needs you to clean up a weeks worth of cat shit, tell her no chance.

She won’t clean up after the cat. When she first took in the cat she confined it to a bedroom. After a few days the smell would hit you as soon as the front door was opened. So my husband spent a Saturday pulling up the carpet and putting down a wooden floor. She said she didn’t care - the smell and pop all over the floor hadn’t bothered her. I believe her - her hygiene is very poor.

Also it does reflect on me - if a neighbour visited and the house was disgusting then it would be seen to be partly my responsibility.

I don't understand- why is the state of your DMs house your responsibility?

Stop clearing up the cat poo. It will soon attract flies. Stop visiting her. Take her to yours if you want to but she is neglecting the cats needs which is unfair as she says it's all she has got.

The council have a vulnerable adult team.. She sounds like she is struggling with her mh tbh...

Leave her to it.
Let her live in cat-shit.
Then call adult social services.

You can't take this on all alone.
I'm looking after my dad. He's getting a tiny bit forgetful but he tries to be clean and tidy. Your mother doesn't. You need big help.

@terrifa

I don't understand- why is the state of your DMs house your responsibility?

Because when they get old, the people around them take on some of the responsibility. It's the decent thing to do, if you can.

terrifa Small rural Irish community - it’s definitely seen as my responsibility to look after my mother (she’s 79). I do her shopping, some laundry, book and take her to doctor appointments, it’s just how it is.

Where we live a lot of elder daughters didn’t get married so would stay home to look after elderly parents. I’m an only child and got married and have my own family.

Leave her too it but frankly I'd take the cat to a shelter the poor thing

Is this the beginning of dementia? Social Services may need to know. Houses full of cat poo are more common than we'd like to think but its usually part of a mental health issue.

No it is not your responsibility. She is an adult. You are an entirely independent adult. You are not her carer. You need to step back from this. Your priority must be to keep your kids safe and it's not 100% certain that they will be safe with her if her judgement is so massively impaired.

Not when its a choice someone is making and the responsibility of that choice falls to someone else. You need to stop the free cleaning OP.

I’d call social services as that is the behaviour of a vulnerable elderly person to allow cat feces to pile up in their home. I understand she is probably lonely, but perhaps someone could rehome the cat to a farm to be a barn/outdoor cat and you get her a cat that is house trained.

Sorry but this is an animal welfare concern. She doesn’t have a choice about clearing up his poo, it’s an obligation of the job when you take on a pet. If she doesn’t clear it up the animal needs to be rehomed.

I would call Adult Social Services about her - is this the sort of thing she would have done when she was much younger?

Absolutely contact animal welfare and social services. your mum previously had MH issues, either diagnosed or signs of it?

OP
I’m in Ireland- familiar with a village with only one pub (basically pub, church and 6 houses).

Stop cleaning for her.

When I was young Dad would walk through the house with cow shit on his wellies without thinking twice. Hygiene has ALWAYS been an issue.

She has been assessed for dementia and got the all clear. She’s medicated for depression and anxiety.

She won’t accept outside help.

The cat sounds stressed. Why is the poor thing confined to a bedroom? Cats are clean animals and it's not normal for them just to poo everywhere without a reason. Encourage the cat to go out. A Feliway plug in should also help. Otherwise the kindest thing is to have the cat rehomed to someone who has experience of looking after them and loving them

I'm not sure what we can say to you about your mother really, as you feel you have to take responsibility for her. How long has she been like this? It's one thing being stubborn and not taking advice, but no one with all their faculties would live with a cat toileting all over the house, do nothing about it, and not be bothered about the smell.

I agree with those who say it's an animal welfare issue, the cat should not be kept in those conditions. Obviously it's also a human welfare issue, but your mother has made a choice to live like this, the cat does not have a choice. If it won't use a litterbox it should be allowed out so it can toilet outside. Or rehomed.

She won’t accept outside help.

Don’t give her the choice. Contact social services and animal welfare. It’s either make her angry by getting outside help or make her angry by not being able to clean up by yourself. No matter what you do, she will be angry. You need to do what is best for her health and that of the cat and not be afraid to rock the boat or risk her anger.

But she will take yours and further bleed you dry emotionally in the process. You are acting on the fear, obligation and guilt and she installed those buttons in you.

She's always been this bloody dreadful towards you hasn't she?.
I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. I daresay she is not so much depressed and anxious as infact abusive. Its not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her that way either.

Think a lot more about your boundaries here and how these can be raised higher. It also does your children no favours to see their nan outright disrespect you as their mother like this.