My mother just put a cat above me and her grandchildren.

[StickersStickers]

Long story short (there’s a thread) my mother took in a car that won’t use a litter box and is pooing in the house. I call everyday to clean up before I go to pick up my youngest from school. It was just about bearable but now the cat is in the carpeted living room and pooing in there.

I told her today that I can no longer bring my children as it’s not safe and she just said fine - that the cat is all she has. My visits are just flying visits and I can take her to my house to see the girls.

I don’t know If I want advice or just a bit of a rant. I can’t talk to my mother - if I say the sky is blue she’ll say it’s white. She doesn’t listen to doctors or physios or anyone who tries to help. It’s her way or no way.

[StickersStickers]

Couchbettato I don't think the RSPCA would do much as I'm in Ireland .

There is a HUGE amount of farm cats around, whoever regulates these things are not going to be bothered about 1 cat who has a home.

unfortunately Ireland is the puppy farm capital of Europe due to our lax animal protection and rural locations,

[ikeepseeingit]

This sounds really tricky OP. I agree with the idea of slowly cutting back on the cleaning so she doesn't notice. I can see you want to avoid conflict, so month by month reducing what you're doing for her would be the best way to go about it. With your link about oppositional defiance, it sounds as though your best bet would be to NOT mention the cat shit. Ever. Clean it if you want to, but don't talk about it. She will just push back and get angry so don't bother.

Buy a Feliway too, under the guise of making the sick cat calm. Don't ask for her opinion, just tell her you've heard they love the smell and it helps them to feel calm and settle, then plug it in. Hopefully, it might calm down the new cat and help him to realise he's in a safe home so he doesn't need to mark it anymore. Good luck OP, this sounds difficult.

[SinoohXaenaHide]

I would be moving 200 miles away and changing my name under these circumstances. Clean break.

[StickersStickers]

SinoohXaenaHide I've been tempted!! She hasn't even liked it when i went on holiday! Not that it stopped me!

[debwong]

I suspect it is a skittish cat?

No, it's an Irish cat

[sillysmiles]

I like the idea of using the neighbours to get to her, but you would know better if that would work.

[butterflyze]

Do what my ExH did to escape the ceaseless demands of his vile and abusive elderly father. Move 100 miles away.

[RockinHorseShit]

Cats don't do that for no reason, they are naturally clean animals, so the cat is either ill or very stressed. Feliway plug ins might help with the stress part, but a vet check would be the best idea


As for the rest of it, some tough love is in order. I've a similar situation with my DF, he doesn't need anyone else as "he has me" ... even though I'm ill myself not that he'd ever believe that, have my own family & live over 300 miles away😏. I've hit burn out point with I'm as the stress has been too much.


I thought after a huge scare where I had to get a police welfare check out to him & he was rushed to hospital, he'd finally see sense & get some help, medilink etc. It lasted all of 5 minutes 😏 ive snapped & told him he's on his own, I can't do this shit anymore & he either gets & accepts help or I'm done with him. No idea if that will get through or not, but I'm so burnt out I worry. I actually mean it 🥴

[CinstonWhurchill]

Op, i am from an Irish family, half rural, half city. This is not fair on the cat or yr mum . Half of my family are extremely house proud and the other half animal lovers/owners/farmers. I can see both sides.

I also know that all Irish elders will not be told or ask for help when they are struggling. Looks like mum is not fully understanding now or aware of the hygiene implications.

My mum was same. I have had to basically force externally, ( against her wishes) help on my mum, as the whole family grouped together and against me, to keep mums MH issues within the family. It has not been easy and ye will know what i have encountered.

I do not fully understand yr mum but i know Irish families and sometimes , you have to step in and sod what the community thinks and sod what God will think. Sometimes Mammys need the daughter to do what is right for the mammy or the auntie when the Da or Uncle has gone. It is never popular. xx

[Mellowyellow222]

Do you live in the 1950s?

I am sorry but I live in Ireland and they let women go to university and everything😂

I am in my forties and have never heard of the eldest daughter not marrying to look after the parents.

This didn’t even happen in my mothers generation - maybe my grandmother?

[Howshouldibehave]

Where we live a lot of elder daughters didn’t get married so would stay home to look after elderly parents.

Sorry, but where on earth do you live?!

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I remember your other thread, the sensible ones among us told you to take it to the animal shelter.

I would carry on doing her washing, shopping and appointments, but there is absolutely no way I would be scraping that off the carpet on a day to day basis.

If she's that desperate for an animal take the shit machine to a shelter and get her a litter trained one. I can tell you with pretty much 100% certainty that the cat shit is nothing but another stick to beat you with.

[Watchingyou2sleezes]

I like cats but in your shoes- that cat would disappear

[Flowersintheattic2021]

How old is the cat. What do you want her to do to it. Have it put down?

[Flowersintheattic2021]

@Mellowyellow222 this is culture in Irish travellers over near us. Tbh my elderly cat poos if I don't get her outside quick enough won't use tray. Thankfully we have wood downstairs

[FlowerArranger]

Please @StickersStickers...
Get cat checked by a vet and get her vaccinations up to date
Contact a cat rescue and get her rehomed on a farm
Get rid of carpets and get a cleaning company to do a deep clean
Replace carpets with lino, vinyl, laminate..... whatever
Provide practical help with medical appointment's and shopping
Disengage

[StickersStickers]

I’m not a traveller. Mom was older when she had me and Dad was 50 something. Mom left school at 12, Dad at 8. The little corner of Ireland that we live in didn’t change much and moms point of view never much changed after she left school.

[skybluee]

I feel sorry for the cat, it's probably really stressed and unhappy to be doing that.

I don't have any advice further to the good advice you've been given on this thread but I just wanted to say good luck with the situation. It sounds difficult.

[LemonSwan]

I think someone needs to rescue this cat for everyones sake. The cat living in shit is not healthy for it either.

Then get her a rehomed litter trained cat?

[Alieninmybody]

I'm Irish and I can picture this scenario when you've got the right mix of people.

What I really want to know now is the past of the story that involves the neighbour, that sounds like a good story to share.

As for your mother and her expectations, just because she demands doesn't mean you have to. She may have a couple of older more rural people in the same corner as her sharing opinions but most Irish people have long moved on from the ones nearest home dancing to their parents whim.
I'm in my 40s and did it for too long, it took time to break free but I look back now and realise I allowed myself to be sewn up in their demands and almost ownership of me as an independent adult for fear of what other people thought. Other people who are normal don't really care and probably feel sorry for you anyway.

[CottonSock]

Can the cat really not go back to the farm?

[Alieninmybody]

And yes I agree to a point Irish people tend to put up with more crap than what it would appear on here our English counterparts do.
But not to the point that we forsake our lives to dance to our elders tunes.

[StickersStickers]

cottonsock The cat was never on a farm - it was at my aunts house next door (a field away) and lived outside/in a garage.

There is no chance of the cat being re-homed to a farm. Another neighbour doesn't like cats, the farm still have at least 6, depending on litters. Cats doesn't get re-homed to farms here

[StickersStickers]

Alieninmybody The neighbour was a really good friend of my Dads. helped a bit to look after him when he had a brain tumor. Used to take mom shopping and to appointments etc.

But then he started to interfere and say she shouldn't take a certain tablet she'd been prescribed. He'd make "jokes" about how if a home help came into the house he'd never visit again stuff like that.

Then coronovirus hit and i took over everything, and his nose was severely out of joint that he wasn't as indispensable as he thought he was. Now that things are getting back to normal he's making comments about mum doing her own shopping again (Dh does it when he does ours, it's one of the easier things to do), about dealing with her tablets (I've set up a pill box, she's on 8 a day). He does provide company, he calls at least twice a day.

BUT he's as obsessed with the cat as mom. If she lets it out, he's out 2 minutes after calling it and looking for it to come home. When i was there recently he said to mom to put her out at night and leave her out (the cat, not my mother) but I saw myself how he was out calling the cat 2 minutes after she'd gone out. He went out with a torch Wednesday night at 10.30pm because she was still out.

[FlowerArranger]

@StickersStickers

cottonsock The cat was never on a farm - it was at my aunts house next door (a field away) and lived outside/in a garage.

There is no chance of the cat being re-homed to a farm. Another neighbour doesn't like cats, the farm still have at least 6, depending on litters. Cats doesn't get re-homed to farms here

Okay, I've never been to Ireland....... but I have read This is Happiness...

There must be cat rescues in Ireland, surely?!!

There will be a farm, somewhere in Ireland, that will have this cat!