My mother just put a cat above me and her grandchildren.

[StickersStickers]

Long story short (there’s a thread) my mother took in a car that won’t use a litter box and is pooing in the house. I call everyday to clean up before I go to pick up my youngest from school. It was just about bearable but now the cat is in the carpeted living room and pooing in there.

I told her today that I can no longer bring my children as it’s not safe and she just said fine - that the cat is all she has. My visits are just flying visits and I can take her to my house to see the girls.

I don’t know If I want advice or just a bit of a rant. I can’t talk to my mother - if I say the sky is blue she’ll say it’s white. She doesn’t listen to doctors or physios or anyone who tries to help. It’s her way or no way.

[nordica]

It sounds like there's quite a few different issues here but from a cat person perspective, I can definitely say it isn't normal for a cat to poo everywhere like this. They are generally clean animals and look for somewhere they can bury their poo (which is why they tend to be naturally attracted to litter trays - even strays off the street that are not used to trays will usually take to it immediately).

I would prioritise a vet visit to see if they can find any medical cause and/or suggest anything that could help. Have you/has your mother already tried a different type of litter, and putting the trays in different locations? Is it an older cat?

[StickersStickers]

bonheurdupasse exactly except she lives about 4 miles from the church so not even that central!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If you do her cleaning she will further expect and demand that you clean up after the cat too. That's your job in her eyes, its expected of you and your mother has no respect for you whatsoever.

If you were to look around very carefully you may well find that other women are not running around after their mother like you have been conditioned and otherwise coerced into doing by her. You have a family of your own; put them and you first for a change.

[BeMoreQueer]

Wow… looks like lots of folks here plan to die alone in a care home

Model the behaviour you want to see

[StickersStickers]

The cat was initially confined to a bedroom as it was a new house and mum has another 2 cats (who use a (separate) litter tray. So to make sure the car didn’t run off and to get them used to each other cat was kept in room.

Cat is now allowed out whenever it wants. The door was open one time the cat pood in the living room so could have gone outside but chose not to.

I guess with rural living and feral/stray cats everywhere I’m really not seeing the animal welfare issues - the cat has shelter, food and access to outdoors.

My mother is toxic, always has been. I’ve accepted it and know I can’t change her. I attempt to grey rock her but am not always successful!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Also it does reflect on me - if a neighbour visited and the house was disgusting then it would be seen to be partly my responsibility".

And not your mother's; after all she is the one who is living there all the time. I think you've been led a merry dance here by your mother.

And do the neighbours visit her; probably not. People like your mother have no friends and you are probably one of the last people who actually bothers with her. You only do so because she's conditioned you into doing what she wants of you.

Why is the above such a concern or is it really a concern that your mother put into your head?. I am certain too that these people have enough going on in their own lives and will not pay any sort of long term attention to the state of your mother's house.

[StickersStickers]

The neighbours do visit. There’s someone or other round daily. She can be nice and normal to other people.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Grey rock can be exhausting in its own right in the medium to long term.

You can change how you react to her and you really do need to up your game here with regards to boundaries. She basically trained you not to have any or if you do, they are far too low.

She has both you and your H running around after her; doing that will not make her think better of you and she will think of you both further as weak. You do not need her approval here; not that she would ever give this to you anyway. She is that bloody toxic to be around.

You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your mother rather than the one you actually got.

[HugeBowlofChips]

I would make this all about the cat - the cat isn't happy, we need to do what's best for the cat, if it's a stray it's not used to being inside, the cat needs to be rehomed as a farm cat etc.

And then replace it with a house trained cat form a shelter. On condition she does basic care.

[HugeBowlofChips]

Ah - sorry - just seen she already has cats.

Erm. I'd still be focusing on the needs of the cat.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"The neighbours do visit. There’s someone or other round daily. She can be nice and normal to other people".

Well let them crack on then. You do not have to do so particularly if she cannot and will not behave at all civilly around you. Abusive people are often all sweetness and light to and around those in the outside world; their self image is that important to them. It really does your kids no favours either to see you as their mother being so rounded on as you are by her.

Drop the rope she keeps on holding out to you.

[HandScreen]

Ah God, all the people saying to stop cleaning up the poo, are you absolute monsters or what?! She's her mother, of course she shouldn't leave her in a house full of cat poo. Jesus, have a heart! People don't have to behave in a way that is 100% rational or reasonable in order to receive love and care from their family. Jesus.

[MrsRobbieHart]

I guess with rural living and feral/stray cats everywhere I’m really not seeing the animal welfare issues - the cat has shelter, food and access to outdoors.

It’s the not cleaning of the poo that’s the issue. Cats shouldn’t have to live amongst their own faeces.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"People don't have to behave in a way that is 100% rational or reasonable in order to receive love and care from their family".

Really?. OP has herself not had much if any love and or care from her toxic mother. The cat lives in OPs mothers home so it is her sole responsibility, not the OP's. OP here has been railroaded and conditioned by wider society into becoming her mother's carer.

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

Sod that! I would not be cleaning up cat shit for someone. It's not all she has , she has a dd , grandchildren and 2 other cats. Stop enabling her, none of the cats will be happy living in that. I'm surprised the other 2 haven't started doing the same

[HandScreen]

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"People don't have to behave in a way that is 100% rational or reasonable in order to receive love and care from their family".

Really?. OP has herself not had much if any love and or care from her toxic mother. The cat lives in OPs mothers home so it is her sole responsibility, not the OP's. OP here has been railroaded and conditioned by wider society into becoming her mother's carer.

Jesus. Is this the way English people treat their families? Because it is certainly not how we do things in Ireland.

In Ireland we are far more tolerant of each other and accepting that people have flaws - families tolerate each other when someone is difficult, and in turn you yourself won't be written off in a similar scenario.

England must be a horrible, lonely place for old people, and you're going to get a taste of this when you get old - you reap what you sow.

[HandScreen]

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"People don't have to behave in a way that is 100% rational or reasonable in order to receive love and care from their family".

Really?. OP has herself not had much if any love and or care from her toxic mother. The cat lives in OPs mothers home so it is her sole responsibility, not the OP's. OP here has been railroaded and conditioned by wider society into becoming her mother's carer.

And "toxic mother"? Really? Or, put another way, a family member who is being unreasonable about something and who has a blind spot about hygiene.

[HandScreen]

People here seem to care more about the cat than the old woman. Says it all, really.

[Judystilldreamsofhorses]

From a cat owner’s perspective, it sounds like the cat might need to see a vet. Our cat tends to toilet outside (but does have two litter trays in the house) and has only ever “had an accident” when she has had an upset tummy and also been sick. Cats are naturally clean animals.

[MrsRobbieHart]

Jesus. Is this the way English people treat their families? Because it is certainly not how we do things in Ireland.

In Ireland we are far more tolerant of each other and accepting that people have flaws - families tolerate each other when someone is difficult, and in turn you yourself won't be written off in a similar scenario.

England must be a horrible, lonely place for old people, and you're going to get a taste of this when you get old - you reap what you sow.

I’m in Ireland too. There are plenty who wash their hands of each other. Stop being silly.

[HandScreen]

@MrsRobbieHart

Jesus. Is this the way English people treat their families? Because it is certainly not how we do things in Ireland.

In Ireland we are far more tolerant of each other and accepting that people have flaws - families tolerate each other when someone is difficult, and in turn you yourself won't be written off in a similar scenario.

England must be a horrible, lonely place for old people, and you're going to get a taste of this when you get old - you reap what you sow.

I’m in Ireland too. There are plenty who wash their hands of each other. Stop being silly.

I'm sad to hear that you know lots of people who wash their hands of each other. That's a sad state of affairs.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"In Ireland we are far more tolerant of each other and accepting that people have flaws - families tolerate each other when someone is difficult, and in turn you yourself won't be written off in a similar scenario."

You cannot speak for one nation as a whole.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

OPs mother is not merely a person who is "difficult" and or is one with "flaws"; she is abusive. She treats other people better than her own daughter and that is unacceptable wherever you are from. OPs mother won't accept outside help (from agencies) which to my mind is also a selfish act. Her mother has made a conscious choice to live like this with a cat that is pooing all over her house; that animal is not happy.

[MrsRobbieHart]

I'm sad to hear that you know lots of people who wash their hands of each other. That's a sad state of affairs.

😂

So now you know you’re talking nonsense about Ireland.

[StickersStickers]

Handscreen my mother is toxic and has been all my life. It’s not just about the cat. My mother had me to look after her when she got old (she has said this with no guilt at all). She wanted to keep me isolated and introverted my whole life. She was horrible when I started going out and had boyfriends. I am who I am in spite of her not because of her.

[TerribleCustomerCervix]

In Ireland we are far more tolerant of each other and accepting that people have flaws - families tolerate each other when someone is difficult, and in turn you yourself won't be written off in a similar scenario.

There’s nothing that makes me cringe more than the “Well aren’t we just deadly!” attitude from fellow Irish people like this.

I don’t think a culture which makes it nigh on impossible for people to draw reasonable boundaries to protect themselves and the people who depend on them is something to be proud of tbh.