My mother just put a cat above me and her grandchildren.

[StickersStickers]

Long story short (there’s a thread) my mother took in a car that won’t use a litter box and is pooing in the house. I call everyday to clean up before I go to pick up my youngest from school. It was just about bearable but now the cat is in the carpeted living room and pooing in there.

I told her today that I can no longer bring my children as it’s not safe and she just said fine - that the cat is all she has. My visits are just flying visits and I can take her to my house to see the girls.

I don’t know If I want advice or just a bit of a rant. I can’t talk to my mother - if I say the sky is blue she’ll say it’s white. She doesn’t listen to doctors or physios or anyone who tries to help. It’s her way or no way.

[ErinAoife]

Buy another litter box, I have two cats and one of them was pooing on the floor until I bought a second litter box.

[Wallywobbles]

I'm afraid I'd play at her own game. Say if you find one more shit that's it the cat gets put to sleep or you will never step foot in her house again. And really mean it. No discussion nothing. And have counseling to make sure you keep your word.

[TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat]

That cat needs a vet. It must be ill if it's shitting everywhere. Since your mother is so keen that you do everything for her, I would take it upon yourself to take the cat to the vet. If you're the one cleaning up it's shit then she really has no right to protest.

The cat may need to be PTS. Or, it may have an illness and need treatment that your mum cannot support - she may not be able to afford it, or she may not be able enough to give medication etc.

Basically I think you need to take charge of the situation and find out what's happening with the cat, and then make a judgement on whether or not your mum is really capable of caring for it.

I appreciate that this shouldn't be your responsibility, but you have said that you don't feel like you can stop going round and you are expected to help care for your mum. So my advice reflects this. Personally, I'd just stop going round altogether and tell her that you'll be back when it's safe for your child.

[Tilltheend99]

It’s not actually normal for a cat to poo everywhere. Either it’s sick or incredibly stressed. Either way, if you can afford to take it too the vets for some advice they should be able to help you manage the cat and hopefully improve the situation (if your mother is completely unwilling/able to deal with it but still wants to keep the cat this sounds like the only option)

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

England must be a horrible, lonely place for old people, and you're going to get a taste of this when you get old - you reap what you sow.

The irony of using this statement to say why the Irish OP SHOULD keep pandering to her toxic mother!

Her TOXIC mother will reap what SHE has sown by not being pandered to by the OP.

IF you treat others like shit, you can't be surprised that you get treated like shit when you're old and need those others' help.

If you're nice to your family then they're more likely to be nice back (NOT a given, I do know that!)

[LivingLaVidaBabyShower]

@Drinkingallthewine

Stickers - rural Ireland here as well. Where I am there is no TNR charity that were willing to help me when a deceased relatives outdoor cats multiplied unbeknownst to us. The best I can get is a local vet who will do a discounted rate for them all. That's if I manage to catch them - they are very wild and won't come near us, but all I can do is try.

You have my sympathies on your difficult situation - but remember it's one bonkers neighbour who thinks you should clean up catshit for your mother. And probably herself. If she was my neighbour there's no way I'd judge you for her actions. It's an outdoor cat who learned to shit in long grass so never needed to cover it up - it's not going to suddely morph into an indoor cat that's trained to use a litter tray, not now when it's 8 years old.

Is it possible to talk to your local public health nurse, see if they could schedule a house call? Some of them are VERY good at talking sense into stubborn folk - and as well as that, many people tend to take their word as gospel - I know my own DM would - she's also only had primary school education so tends to venerate anyone with a university or healthcare qualification unquestioningly.

The cat is a minor issue and I see how it is indicative of future problems and potential abuse she could throw your way in a carer/charge dynamic - for example deliberately soiling so you have to clean her up when she would be capable of some toileting herself. So I'd tell you, in the nicest way possible, there are some people you do need to step away from. And anyone that judges you for that have not experienced what you have.

this is a great post with grest ìnsight and advice.

Re the back story on the cats one thing that struck me (& i am not sure im right) is i wonder if part of this "defiance" is linked to the sisters house being left to you (not her)
I could be waaaay off the mark with that thought.

I do think you need to channel no nonsense mary poppins type approach as this cant continue.

I am living in uk but family are all irish so understand the dynamics.
I had a very difficult father and had a lot of judgement from his/our large family about not being a dutiful oldest daughter (when he and my mother finally divorced he expected me to be his replacdment skivvy to the point he called me by my mothers name when issuing his demands)
Your comment about being who you are in spite of resonated with me.
ultimately i backed away and gave what i could without sacrificing myself.
Not sure if it helps to hesr but he's dead 2 years now and i am not consumed by guilt and have no regrets. If anything its been a relief to final close that chapter of my life.

[IrishMel]

also try not to care what other's think as sure they know and understand what your mum is like and the situation. People gossip no matter what you do so feck them all. Could people stop making this an Irish or English thing also, different scenarios and situations in families no matter what bloodywell country you live in.

[IrishMel]

so sorry wrote an essay ooops

[IrishMel]

Am so sorry to hear what you have gone through with your mum and that she has been controlling towards you and not very nice. She is lucky that you call and help her out and do shopping, medical appoints etc. Old people can get very stubborn and I have read up on that oppositional defiant disorder, grew up with that too. The men were taken seriously but women not so much so. Anyway I know someone who needed care and anyone who the family got the elderly person just told them to fuck off out of my house. So difficult as you are so torn what to do. Take the advice of the kind woman who gave you information and hopefully someone can call to visit and maybe they can say we just check up on elderly so you are not mentioned. She needs some other help as you have your own family to care for and hard to be running and racing trying to look after everyone, different if she was kind to you but seems she is nice to everyone else. The neighbour sounds like he stirs things up also and does not make things easier but more difficult with the cat. Have read up about cats when they move to a new place it is soo stressful that this pooing thing happens as the cat not used to living inside in big rooms. We moved with our dog and took ages for her to settle but thank god she always lets me know when she needs to go out and she is spoiled but was very anxious as a bigger place here. Tough love is hard but you have to tell your mum again she cleans the poo or gets the neighbour to clean the poo. Why can't she just let the cat live in the garage and bring it food as used to that. If a female get it spayed, is that what is called. Tell her cat was happier there and now feels trapped and if not you are calling cat welfare. Leave it at that and see what she says. I told my son put me in a home when I am not capable or willing to look after myself as not fair to put that on him. Sorry you are having to deal with all this as sooo stressful as understand the duty you feel towards your mum in society. Take care.

[1forAll74]

If the cat never goes out and lives in it's own poo, that is very neglectful. The cat could become ill if it lives in dirty conditions.

[FlowerArranger]

The cat is a minor issue and I see how it is indicative of future problems and potential abuse she could throw your way in a carer/charge dynamic

I agree with the second part re. future problems - but I do not regard the cat as a minor issue. This poor animal is clearly deeply stressed and this needs to be addressed. The cat has to be rehomed in a place where she has outdoor access. This is an urgent animal welfare issue. If there really is no suitable place that can be found, euthanasia is the only alternative, kind option.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I see how it is indicative of future problems and potential abuse she could throw your way in a carer/charge dynamic - for example deliberately soiling so you have to clean her up when she would be capable of some toileting herself. So I'd tell you, in the nicest way possible, there are some people you do need to step away from

I agree with this 100%
Also if she is fit enough to rake up leaves, she is fit enough to clean up catshit!!

Shes playing you like a fiddle OP. Leaving it allover the house is just a passive aggressive dick move on her part because she knows you will step in and clean it up.

[Drinkingallthewine]

Stickers - rural Ireland here as well. Where I am there is no TNR charity that were willing to help me when a deceased relatives outdoor cats multiplied unbeknownst to us. The best I can get is a local vet who will do a discounted rate for them all. That's if I manage to catch them - they are very wild and won't come near us, but all I can do is try.

You have my sympathies on your difficult situation - but remember it's one bonkers neighbour who thinks you should clean up catshit for your mother. And probably herself. If she was my neighbour there's no way I'd judge you for her actions. It's an outdoor cat who learned to shit in long grass so never needed to cover it up - it's not going to suddely morph into an indoor cat that's trained to use a litter tray, not now when it's 8 years old.

Is it possible to talk to your local public health nurse, see if they could schedule a house call? Some of them are VERY good at talking sense into stubborn folk - and as well as that, many people tend to take their word as gospel - I know my own DM would - she's also only had primary school education so tends to venerate anyone with a university or healthcare qualification unquestioningly.

The cat is a minor issue and I see how it is indicative of future problems and potential abuse she could throw your way in a carer/charge dynamic - for example deliberately soiling so you have to clean her up when she would be capable of some toileting herself. So I'd tell you, in the nicest way possible, there are some people you do need to step away from. And anyone that judges you for that have not experienced what you have.

[StickersStickers]

sillysmiles I asked the pharmAct about blister packs at the start of the pandemic but they said they didn't do them. But we've got a good routine going now with her tablets so that's ok (for now).

The neighbour isn't stealing her money - I think it's more he wants to be needed. Doing her shopping is easy enough with scan as you go and when she did it herself I'd be getting phone calls all week to pick her up something she had forgotten. It would be great for her to go and get bits and pieces, magazine, chocolate etc but not the big shop.

I have offered, even after a doc appointment on Monday I asked her if she wanted to go (as she was "dressed") but she had too much work to do raking leaves!

[StickersStickers]

@TrixIrl Thank you so much for that.

[sillysmiles]

about dealing with her tablets

Please get the her tablets dispensed in blister pack. The pharmacy will do it but I'm not sure if you can request it of if the GP needs to request it. Ask your pharmacy. An elderly relative of mine had this done after a few mix ups landed him in hospital.

I'm Irish and I can picture this scenario when you've got the right mix of people.
Me too.

Could your neighbour go back to taking your mum shopping or do you suspect him of something like stealing her money? The reason I think it might be good is that it would make him feel involved and it can be useful to have someone nearby. It would be good for her to get out of the house and might prompt her to take a little more care of herself if she's going into town. It would be one less job for your family.

Also, I know for my elder relative there was an old folks community centre thing that he used to go to once or twice a week and the bus came to collect him from the house (and he lived in a very very rural area).

[TrixIrl]

So in Kerry your part of CHO4 and the Safeguarding team can be reached on (021)4927550. Now some safeguarding teams have a specific social worker for self neglect issues so fingers crossed they do. If not you'll be put in touch with the general safeguarding team who deal with all manner of abuse allegations so often do not have the resources to proactively tackle self neglect in those deemed competent but should still be able to give you plenty of advice.

Some more info here www.gov.ie/en/publication/3f6bc5-safeguarding-vulnerable-adults/

And here
www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.hse.ie/eng/about/who/socialcare/safeguardingvulnerableadults/safeguarding%2520self%2520neglect%2520.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjS-aD48srzAhU9QUEAHeWeBIUQFnoECAMQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3LGPUx_t48TZC13CVYyH5X

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I still think the best thing for everyone concerned is for it to go to a shelter. It's never used a litter tray and never will.

I remember you saying it used to crap allover the garage floor. It's just not suitable for an indoor home.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

Honestly from the way you've described her stickers I really think she's using it as another deeply unpleasant control tactic.

You do a lot for her in the way of shopping, laundry and appointment management but this is a step too far. She needs telling.

If she wants to live in squalor that's her affair. She moved around well enough to keep coming over to your tenants, so she can move round well enough to clean up a cat turd (or 5).

Do you think it would use an outdoor sleeping hut type thing? That way she gets to see it and it has an outdoor life it's used to.

[Couchbettato]

Yes I agree with Flower.

The cat can't continue living that unhappy life. If it can't be given a good quality of life inside the house then it needs rehoming or euthanising.

I imagine if it was your aunt's cat your mum has some sentimental attachment to it, but recognising it as a living, breathing creature in its own right is what it deserves and it deserves a good quality of life or it needs to be put to sleep before the situation escalates and your mum is living in squalor and faeces up to her eyeballs.

It's not your job to clean up after it.

[FlowerArranger]

@StickersStickers

closetbeamuncher I am completely aware that there is more than one farm in Ireland. I live surrounded by them. It’s the same situation on all of them - they are overrun by cats.

@StickersStickers - what to do with the cat is key to resolving this mess.

I am a life-long cat owner/servant, cat shelter volunteer and cat fosterer. I love cats. But there is no way I would allow this situation to continue.

This cat has zero quality of life, and the resulting mess is severely impacting your mother's quality of life.

Rehome the cat or have her euthanised. Please.

[Silenceisgolden20]

The cat is a red herring.
OP if you want to rant, ok fine but don't be a martyr and keep giving reasons why things can't change.
Try the Stately homes thread, better advice for toxic families and how to manage them.

[StickersStickers]

closetbeamuncher I am completely aware that there is more than one farm in Ireland. I live surrounded by them. It’s the same situation on all of them - they are overrun by cats.

[EarringsandLipstick]

Jesus. Is this the way English people treat their families? Because it is certainly not how we do things in Ireland.

In Ireland we are far more tolerant of each other and accepting that people have flaws - families tolerate each other when someone is difficult, and in turn you yourself won't be written off in a similar scenario.

England must be a horrible, lonely place for old people, and you're going to get a taste of this when you get old - you reap what you sow.

God, Hands, we spend a lot of time trying to educate the Brits that we're not all still eating potatoes & living barefoot in ramshackle cottages (joke!) & then you post this sanctimonious drivel about how noble we are 🤦🏻‍♀️

Not a bit of it.

Caring for one's family doesn't extend to scooping up cat poo day after day.

I'm afraid I would rehome the car, even though it is DM's, if I was expected to continue care in the way OP has been doing.

[crochetmonkey74]

@Closetbeanmuncher

There is no chance of the cat being re-homed to a farm. Another neighbour doesn't like cats, the farm still have at least 6, depending on litters

You are aware that there is more than one farm in Ireland? This is why you give it to a shelter and they find an appropriate home. This animal was only coming in for shelter so an outdoor farm life suits it perfectly.

Either that or continue to scrape diseased cat shit off her carpet because she knows you're not going to say no. That's why she keeps it!

I think this is right factually but it's hard as the cat belongs to OPs mum and she is cognizant so OP cant just give her mothers cat away.