My mother just put a cat above me and her grandchildren.

[StickersStickers]

Long story short (there’s a thread) my mother took in a car that won’t use a litter box and is pooing in the house. I call everyday to clean up before I go to pick up my youngest from school. It was just about bearable but now the cat is in the carpeted living room and pooing in there.

I told her today that I can no longer bring my children as it’s not safe and she just said fine - that the cat is all she has. My visits are just flying visits and I can take her to my house to see the girls.

I don’t know If I want advice or just a bit of a rant. I can’t talk to my mother - if I say the sky is blue she’ll say it’s white. She doesn’t listen to doctors or physios or anyone who tries to help. It’s her way or no way.

@Mellowyellow222 Do you live in the 1950s?
I am sorry but I live in Ireland and they let women go to university and everything😂
I am in my forties and have never heard of the eldest daughter not marrying to look after the parents.
This didn’t even happen in my mothers generation - maybe my grandmother?"

Mellow, i am 50 and born and bread in London to Irish Parents who moved here in the 60's. My Irish family dates backs further than records exist. They are still there, we have lands that go back 100's of yrs

I can confirm that my nan ( who was born at the turn of the century) cared for her parents in Ireland until their deaths in the late 40's. My nan then married ( at 40) after her caring duties were done and had 5 children, my mum and her siblings. 2 of my mums brothers ( my uncles ) remained at home all their lives, never married, caring for my nan until her death at 98 yrs old in 1998 in Dublin. One of my uncles then sadly died in 2006, the other still remains alone in the family house, unmarried to this day.

My mum is 76 and has MH issues. I am involved day to day with caring for her and yes, i am educated and have a very successful career and children. I am from the1970's and that is a good 20 yrs after the 1950's. I look after mum as she cannot look after herself. I also look after 2 of my late Dad's sisters in the UK who are in their late 80's and widowed , with children in America. I look after them as they came here from Ireland in the late 1950's and 60's and all spent 40 plus yrs working in our NHS as nurses and MH nurses. It is just a decent thing to do.

Just because it is not 1950, they are my family, they helped raise me, and i will look after them.

I do not feel this is an outdated or old fashioned thing to do. I feel it is the right and proper thing for me to do.

Your family history may not have had caring responsibilities but other Irish families have. You do not speak for Ireland and it's daughters.

FlowerArranger I haven't read this is happiness. I follow a few local rescues on facebook, they all have more cats than they can deal with. About 2 weeks ago I found a tiny kitten on the side of the road, eyes still closed (or closed with infection, not sure which) I took it to the vet with a donation and they handed it off to the rescue. Our local vets offer a catch, neuter, release programme. If you bring in a feral cat, they will neuter it for free and then you release it.

This may fall under the new self-neglect teams under the Safeguarding umbrella. If you're happy to say what county you're in I'll try get you the details for a professional that might be able to give some advice as this is essentially self-neglect. Other than that your GP or PHN or vet are your best bets.

TrixIrl self neglect is a really good description. I’m in Kerry. She had a visit from the community nurse around the start of June (I have a feeling her GP asked for it) but nothing got flagged after. She did a cognitive test and must have passed.

I can picture your neighbour's type OP, someone with too much time on his hands and previously was listened to by Tom many people. He's now at a loose end and has extra time to interfere.

I'm not sure cats are as besotted on I'm rural Ireland as they are elsewhere. On most farms I know there's always a few litters running around keeping the mice and rats down. They're not pets, never see vets and often fed very little. Of course that's not true everywhere but it happens a lot.

All cat rescue places are over ran, personally I'd be almost afraid of approaching one about a cat I had any kind of ownership of. Our local one regularly puts up posts throwing shades at people who bring litters of kittens or strays in as they suspect the people aren't been genuine. I know they are overwhelmed but their attitude does scare people off getting involved when they see strays.

@HandScreen

Living in Ireland, here. I’m sorry but you’re talking out of your hole on that one. No one should be making anyone clean up cat shit every single day. It isn’t about “tolerating flaws”. It’s fucking disgusting.

A flaw someone could tolerate is someone who doesn’t put tea bags in the bin. Or forgets to flush the toilet sometimes. Or doesn’t wash the dishes for a few days.

This is fucking rank. OP has said numerous times her mother is toxic and manipulative, so why should she look after her? OP didn’t ask to be born and have a lifetime of this shit to deal with.

Secondly, it’s an animal abuse issue. No animals should have to live in their own filth with the smell of ammonia building up around them. The cat deserves to be treated well with someone who loves it. Not left in a fucking bedroom for weeks on end while shit and cat piss builds up and it has 4 walls for company.

OPs mum needs external help and all the cats removed. OP needs to live her life without her mother ruining more years of it.

It’s incredibly distasteful that on this thread you genuinely thought it was an acceptable point of view to say to OP that she should just deal with this because “in Ireland we tolerate flaws so when we’re old someone will tolerate ours”. It’s such a backwards, sexist mindset. I guarantee no men stay at home and do the caregiving, do they? No no. Leave it for the women to do.

And, also, stop expecting others to look after you when you’re old. Ive always said this but when I can no longer look after myself, send me to a care home. No child of mine will be wiping my arse I can tell you that now. I’d never subject any family member to that. Because it’s fucking wrong.

CinstonWhurchill

I am sorry I think you may have mis interpreted or misunderstood my post.

I live in Ireland (not going to trace the family tree for you - but probably goes back to the beginning of time😂).

I understand family links are stronger here and we care for our parents.

What I don’t get is OP saying in her are the lessers daughters don’t marry to care for parents.

You clearly had a life, I went to an all girls school in Ireland in the nineties: no one that I know out for 15O girls put of marriage or university or anything to live at home and care for their parents. There simply isn’t in my experience thousands of forty year old unwed ladies living at home solely to care for parents.

There are of course lots of carers and they are mainly female. But they haven’t sacrificed having children, a husband or a career in case their parents became frail in their later years.

Sorry for the typos ! Hope it makes some sense

Alieninmybody Spot on on both counts - on the neighbour and the cat rescue situation. As I said above I found a tiny kitten and I almost felt guilty about handing it off to the rescue even though I was in absolutely no position to take in a kitten.

PizzaCrust To be fair, isn't it common sense to keep a cat in one room so it can get used to the new house and the cats can get used to it? You can't just drop a new cat into a house with cats and let them get on with it, there would be skin and hair flying.
And the poo wasn't building up because i was cleaning it. The smell was building because it's impossible to clean carpet properly but the poo wasn't.

Also, for some reason, the cat will use the litter box for pee.

OP I think some of the advice on here is expecting an animal rescue and adult social care team to come in and fix this overnight , which just isnt going to happen as I bet your mum doesnt reach threshold for intervention.
A couple of questions: if you wrng on holiday for 6 weeks what would happen? Would you come back to 6 weeks of Cat poo or would your mum and the neighbour reach a point where they cleaned it up?
I'm asking cos sometimes we get sucked into jobs as we are scared of racking up a bigger job later

There is no chance of the cat being re-homed to a farm. Another neighbour doesn't like cats, the farm still have at least 6, depending on litters

You are aware that there is more than one farm in Ireland? This is why you give it to a shelter and they find an appropriate home. This animal was only coming in for shelter so an outdoor farm life suits it perfectly.

Either that or continue to scrape diseased cat shit off her carpet because she knows you're not going to say no. That's why she keeps it!

@Closetbeanmuncher

There is no chance of the cat being re-homed to a farm. Another neighbour doesn't like cats, the farm still have at least 6, depending on litters

You are aware that there is more than one farm in Ireland? This is why you give it to a shelter and they find an appropriate home. This animal was only coming in for shelter so an outdoor farm life suits it perfectly.

Either that or continue to scrape diseased cat shit off her carpet because she knows you're not going to say no. That's why she keeps it!

I think this is right factually but it's hard as the cat belongs to OPs mum and she is cognizant so OP cant just give her mothers cat away.

Jesus. Is this the way English people treat their families? Because it is certainly not how we do things in Ireland.

In Ireland we are far more tolerant of each other and accepting that people have flaws - families tolerate each other when someone is difficult, and in turn you yourself won't be written off in a similar scenario.

England must be a horrible, lonely place for old people, and you're going to get a taste of this when you get old - you reap what you sow.

God, Hands, we spend a lot of time trying to educate the Brits that we're not all still eating potatoes & living barefoot in ramshackle cottages (joke!) & then you post this sanctimonious drivel about how noble we are 🤦🏻‍♀️

Not a bit of it.

Caring for one's family doesn't extend to scooping up cat poo day after day.

I'm afraid I would rehome the car, even though it is DM's, if I was expected to continue care in the way OP has been doing.

closetbeamuncher I am completely aware that there is more than one farm in Ireland. I live surrounded by them. It’s the same situation on all of them - they are overrun by cats.

The cat is a red herring.
OP if you want to rant, ok fine but don't be a martyr and keep giving reasons why things can't change.
Try the Stately homes thread, better advice for toxic families and how to manage them.

@StickersStickers

closetbeamuncher I am completely aware that there is more than one farm in Ireland. I live surrounded by them. It’s the same situation on all of them - they are overrun by cats.

@StickersStickers - what to do with the cat is key to resolving this mess.

I am a life-long cat owner/servant, cat shelter volunteer and cat fosterer. I love cats. But there is no way I would allow this situation to continue.

This cat has zero quality of life, and the resulting mess is severely impacting your mother's quality of life.

Rehome the cat or have her euthanised. Please.

Yes I agree with Flower.

The cat can't continue living that unhappy life. If it can't be given a good quality of life inside the house then it needs rehoming or euthanising.

I imagine if it was your aunt's cat your mum has some sentimental attachment to it, but recognising it as a living, breathing creature in its own right is what it deserves and it deserves a good quality of life or it needs to be put to sleep before the situation escalates and your mum is living in squalor and faeces up to her eyeballs.

It's not your job to clean up after it.

Honestly from the way you've described her stickers I really think she's using it as another deeply unpleasant control tactic.

You do a lot for her in the way of shopping, laundry and appointment management but this is a step too far. She needs telling.

If she wants to live in squalor that's her affair. She moved around well enough to keep coming over to your tenants, so she can move round well enough to clean up a cat turd (or 5).

Do you think it would use an outdoor sleeping hut type thing? That way she gets to see it and it has an outdoor life it's used to.

I still think the best thing for everyone concerned is for it to go to a shelter. It's never used a litter tray and never will.

I remember you saying it used to crap allover the garage floor. It's just not suitable for an indoor home.

So in Kerry your part of CHO4 and the Safeguarding team can be reached on (021)4927550. Now some safeguarding teams have a specific social worker for self neglect issues so fingers crossed they do. If not you'll be put in touch with the general safeguarding team who deal with all manner of abuse allegations so often do not have the resources to proactively tackle self neglect in those deemed competent but should still be able to give you plenty of advice.

Some more info here www.gov.ie/en/publication/3f6bc5-safeguarding-vulnerable-adults/

And here
www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.hse.ie/eng/about/who/socialcare/safeguardingvulnerableadults/safeguarding%2520self%2520neglect%2520.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjS-aD48srzAhU9QUEAHeWeBIUQFnoECAMQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3LGPUx_t48TZC13CVYyH5X

about dealing with her tablets

Please get the her tablets dispensed in blister pack. The pharmacy will do it but I'm not sure if you can request it of if the GP needs to request it. Ask your pharmacy. An elderly relative of mine had this done after a few mix ups landed him in hospital.

I'm Irish and I can picture this scenario when you've got the right mix of people.
Me too.

Could your neighbour go back to taking your mum shopping or do you suspect him of something like stealing her money? The reason I think it might be good is that it would make him feel involved and it can be useful to have someone nearby. It would be good for her to get out of the house and might prompt her to take a little more care of herself if she's going into town. It would be one less job for your family.

Also, I know for my elder relative there was an old folks community centre thing that he used to go to once or twice a week and the bus came to collect him from the house (and he lived in a very very rural area).

@TrixIrl Thank you so much for that.

sillysmiles I asked the pharmAct about blister packs at the start of the pandemic but they said they didn't do them. But we've got a good routine going now with her tablets so that's ok (for now).

The neighbour isn't stealing her money - I think it's more he wants to be needed. Doing her shopping is easy enough with scan as you go and when she did it herself I'd be getting phone calls all week to pick her up something she had forgotten. It would be great for her to go and get bits and pieces, magazine, chocolate etc but not the big shop.

I have offered, even after a doc appointment on Monday I asked her if she wanted to go (as she was "dressed") but she had too much work to do raking leaves!

Stickers - rural Ireland here as well. Where I am there is no TNR charity that were willing to help me when a deceased relatives outdoor cats multiplied unbeknownst to us. The best I can get is a local vet who will do a discounted rate for them all. That's if I manage to catch them - they are very wild and won't come near us, but all I can do is try.

You have my sympathies on your difficult situation - but remember it's one bonkers neighbour who thinks you should clean up catshit for your mother. And probably herself. If she was my neighbour there's no way I'd judge you for her actions. It's an outdoor cat who learned to shit in long grass so never needed to cover it up - it's not going to suddely morph into an indoor cat that's trained to use a litter tray, not now when it's 8 years old.

Is it possible to talk to your local public health nurse, see if they could schedule a house call? Some of them are VERY good at talking sense into stubborn folk - and as well as that, many people tend to take their word as gospel - I know my own DM would - she's also only had primary school education so tends to venerate anyone with a university or healthcare qualification unquestioningly.

The cat is a minor issue and I see how it is indicative of future problems and potential abuse she could throw your way in a carer/charge dynamic - for example deliberately soiling so you have to clean her up when she would be capable of some toileting herself. So I'd tell you, in the nicest way possible, there are some people you do need to step away from. And anyone that judges you for that have not experienced what you have.