My mother just put a cat above me and her grandchildren.

[StickersStickers]

Long story short (there’s a thread) my mother took in a car that won’t use a litter box and is pooing in the house. I call everyday to clean up before I go to pick up my youngest from school. It was just about bearable but now the cat is in the carpeted living room and pooing in there.

I told her today that I can no longer bring my children as it’s not safe and she just said fine - that the cat is all she has. My visits are just flying visits and I can take her to my house to see the girls.

I don’t know If I want advice or just a bit of a rant. I can’t talk to my mother - if I say the sky is blue she’ll say it’s white. She doesn’t listen to doctors or physios or anyone who tries to help. It’s her way or no way.

Oh Lord. This isn’t just about the cat anymore!!

@StickersStickers - this cannot go on. Please get the cat checked by a vet, but also get in touch with a cat rescue with a view to getting this poor animal rehomed at a farm where she can life outdoors and take shelter in a barn.

Then get rid of soiled carpets etc and engage a cleaning firm for a deep clean.

And I would also liaise with adult social care. Your mum may not want it, but by the looks of things she is rapidly getting to the point where she has to accept help.

As for your relationship with her.... that's tricky. Can you do what you can to help in a practical way, without putting yourself out unnecessarily, and otherwise disengage?

Stickers

Getting back to you, you really do need to drop the rope your mother keeps on holding out to you. She has made you feel obligated for too many years leaving you potentially blundering about in fear, obligation and guilt whilst wondering where your own self esteem and worth went.

You would not ever treat your children like your mother has done towards you. What your mother is doing here generally is completely unacceptable in anyone's language. You are an adult in your own right and with agency.

OP

If you can’t brave the neighbors’ disapproval, do it as a gradual process.
Does your mother expect you to clean / do you currently clean every day?
Do it 2 out of 3 and ignore her snipings.

Then after a month move to 3 out of 5.
Then every other day.
Etc

@StickersStickers

Also it does reflect on me - if a neighbour visited and the house was disgusting then it would be seen to be partly my responsibility.

why? are you your mother's keeper?

The cat sounds stressed, please take it to a vet.

Your mum, whether she accepts it or not, seems to be on the road to needing more help. Please engage with social services and see what they can do.

Whether she engages or not start stepping back a little and allow them in. If she refuses it is down to her. Don't step back in again.

The tipping point seems to be the cat's poo. Like others have said, cat's are very clean animals, there will be a reason it's not using a tray and burying it. Which is why it needs to be checked over and possibly rehomed somewhere more suitable for its needs and temperament.

I have no idea if this is a valid site but this is my mother www.additudemag.com/oppositional-defiant-disorder-in-adults/amp/

Jesus. Is this the way English people treat their families? Because it is certainly not how we do things in Ireland.

*In Ireland we are far more tolerant of each other and accepting that people have flaws - families tolerate each other when someone is difficult, and in turn you yourself won't be written off in a similar scenario.

England must be a horrible, lonely place for old people, and you're going to get a taste of this when you get old - you reap what you sow.*

What a load of sanctimonious twaddle. The last bit is right though in that you do indeed reap what you sow so if you're a toxic nightmare that treats your daughter like an unpaid drudge who must clean up cat shit for you you're likely to spend your old age on your own - and rightly so.

Bold fail but you get the drift.

Why on earth is your mother not cleaning up the cat's poo herself?
Where is the cat peeing?
If it is a feral, he or she needs to be in an outdoors environment, maybe with a dry sheltered barn or somewhere to sleep {If he or she is neutered, or there will be a kitten problem as well}

Some cats are 'Dirty' if they were taken from their mothers too young.
Is the cat routinely wormed?

No idea on cats backstory, it was a stray taken in by my aunt about 10 years ago. She was neutered.

My aunt passed away in may and mum inherited the cat.

Well thank Fuck I’m not Irish if it would have meant I had to look after my lying thieving scumbag of a Father when he was dying due to the fact that he refused to do anything to help his Diabetes or other health issues.
Unless you have had to deal with a toxic relative you have no right to judge the actions of people who do whatever country they are from.

She needs to get the liter trained.

I suspect it is a skittish cat? Or for some reason does not feel safe using the liter tray. Some cats don't like enclosed liter trays. Or it may be in a place where it doesn't feel safe using it.

If you can make the cat feel safe in the environment then that's half the battle. Neutering it may also help if it isn't already. Also, a vet check to look for underlying reasons that may mean it doesn't want to use the tray. And some of that plug in anxiety reducing stuff might help too.

This sounds like a nightmare, but I completely understand how hard it is and the constrains on you.
Is there a public heath nurse involved or anyone "professional" that is visiting?

When I was young Dad would walk through the house with cow shit on his wellies without thinking twice. Hygiene has ALWAYS been an issue.
Growing up on a farm in the 80's this was normal. Not now. Things have changed.
Maybe as a practical suggestion - all the carpets need to be taken up and replaced by lino? But as to what to do with your mum, no idea.

@StickersStickers

No idea on cats backstory, it was a stray taken in by my aunt about 10 years ago. She was neutered.

My aunt passed away in may and mum inherited the cat.

It sounds a nightmare for you. Not your job to clean up cat excrement. Maybe she {the cat} is crapping as your mother has more than one cat

There is a cat ''Therapist'' on you tube who says you need a litter tray per cat...and one extra!...It seems excessive, but that's what he says.

Cat poo really reeks.

I sympathise with you.

A ''Dirty'' adult cat won't stand a snowballs chance in hell of being re-homed in a house.

A friend just moved to Eire from UK and said there is a vast problem with unwanted kittens there...never mind adult cats.

No easy answers.

If you don't want to cut her off, I'd start playing the game...

If her neighbours and friends would judge you, use them to influence her. A few mentions of how your mum is struggling to cope with the incontinent cat and doesn't like to admit it's too much for her now she's a bit older. Mention how much happier it would be outside and how you don't like to see her living in such conditions even if she thinks she's doing her best for the cat.

Then find a rescue or a farmer to take the cat and re-home it. That's not going to solve your relationship problems but it'll deal with the cat poo.

Mind you, I'd be surprised if the neighbours and friends would judge you as much as she has you trained to think.

@StickersStickers

Also it does reflect on me - if a neighbour visited and the house was disgusting then it would be seen to be partly my responsibility.

Why?

Is your DM able-bodied?
If so, how is it your responsibility?

You didn't force a non-housetrained cat on your mother.
Why is she refusing to either train it, or clean up after it?

Are there enough litter trays, one each per cat and a spare? It could be there aren’t as she can’t be bothered to clean multiple trays. Or think ‘my existing cats use the existing facilities fine so I’m not getting a new tray they can share’.

This could be the problem. And simple to fix.

If she won’t take the cat to a vet to give it a check up, can you buy another litter tray and put it down where the cat usually toilets in the hope she will use it?

Presumably it didn’t behave like this in the aunties house?

The poor cat wouldn’t mess somewhere unless ill or stressed. Poor thing.

Jesus. Is this the way English people treat their families? Because it is certainly not how we do things in Ireland.

In Ireland we are far more tolerant of each other and accepting that people have flaws - families tolerate each other when someone is difficult, and in turn you yourself won't be written off in a similar scenario.

England must be a horrible, lonely place for old people, and you're going to get a taste of this when you get old - you reap what you sow.

Between that and op's comment about the elder daughter living at home unmarried to care for aging parents, I'm beginning to think the Irish are still living in the times of Peig

Where I live in rural Ireland, thankfully we have evolved and we avail of services such as home help, meals on wheels, paid cleaners (not for cat shit though) and even online shopping to help parents. Not a chance I'd be cleaning shit for anyone, nor would I lift a finger for a toxic relative. You see, you reap what you sow and that goes both ways @HandScreen

@StickersStickers rehome the poor cat.

I would remove the cat and re home. She is not taking care of it

Fuck what the neighbours think

@BeMoreQueer

Wow… looks like lots of folks here plan to die alone in a care home

Model the behaviour you want to see

I don't expect anyone else to cleanup cat shit in my house. Taking responsibilityfor one's own decisions is the behaviour I'm modelling.

The story of the cat and my mother - not to drip-feed but is relevant.

My father died 8 years ago. At that point my aunt moved in fully with my mother. My father left me a house that my aunt had the right to live in for life. It was a 30 second walk from my mothers (there was a field in between). The cat lived outside/in the garage of this house. It's "litter-tray" was a field or the garage floor.

My aunt passed away in May and my mom promised her she'd look after the cat.

I have a thread on here about how my mother thought she could keep the cat at "my aunts house" and visit it whenever she wanted even though I had rented it to my brother in law. It was a horrible mess with her pushing and pushing to get her own way - which she didn't. So she took the cat to her house.

Also last week her favourite cat lost the use of her back legs and she's spent the last week at the vets as she's incontinent and it's not looking hopeful for her That's why the new cat is in the living room to start with - she stayed away when the older cat was there.

So the new cat is caught up with a promise to her dead sister-in-law, she admits to being bored and lonely (but seems to want me around to sort that for her!) and grief for her favourite cat (although she hasn't even asked me about her in a few days - she's very out of sight, out of mind)

There's a neighbour who is stirring this whole situation but this is long enough!

When I was young Dad would walk through the house with cow shit on his wellies without thinking twice. Hygiene has ALWAYS been an issue.
Growing up on a farm in the 80's this was normal. Not now. Things have changed.

No, it wasn't normsl Dad knew very well to take off his boots at the door in my '70s & '80s farming childhood. We all did.

Reading this has made my eyes sting. I can practically smell the ammonia.

Your mum is not fit to look after a cat and that poor cat is going to have a shit quality of life living with your mum.

I'd contact the RSPCA for advice to be honest.