Dating thread 215 we are over here!!!

[BelladiMamma]

Ok folks new thread, hopefully everyone will find is!!

@Isitreallyme177 ok this is my tuppence worth. And I think you've got to know my sometimes cavalier, sometimes over invested, sometimes can't give a shit attitude to OLD. Feel free to ignore or to tell me I've got it wrong.

There's a lot telling me that you're very invested in your contact with him. Nothing wrong with this but that's the analysis I'm coming from.

Do you want to stay slightly in thrall to him or is it holding you back in other areas eg meeting someone else, pursuing hobbies or friendships? Are you holding back on doing ANYTHING AT ALL because of him?

Further to this, ask yourself how you'd feel if he was quite happily playing the field, having the odd fling here, a ONS there ... a FB in another town ... or even just the odd conversation and platonic dates with someone else, not just you? I'm not judging him or saying he's a bad person. It would actually be quite normal behaviour for someone who's just left the marital home and travels a lot for work.

Also, do you think that you've put him on a pedestal at all, eg 'I must respect his space and privacy because he's a hero pilot and loving father, I don't deserve his attention as I am a mere mortal'?

If you think you're holding your life back, might be upset or jealous if he was seeing someone else, or if you idealise who he is and what the relationship is ... then I would try to burst the bubble personally. Just come out with it, 'I actually fancy you loads and I'm finding myself kinda dreaming the days away. Am I kidding myself that there's something we have? No worries if not, I just need to move on if there's nothing there.'

You'll get your life back that way.

And just tell me to eff off if I've got this totally wrong!!!

@Isitreallyme177

Can i ask, oh wise ones on this thread.

I've got into the habit of not messaging Mr Cricket, as I don't want to bother him. In doing so am I sabotaging things? He has never told me I am and has never made me feel I am.

I asked him how he was and how work was going at the weekend and he seemed happy to tell me about the flights he flew last week and how his time away was. He then asked me how my work was going and how I was. It felt nice to 'chat'. But I didn't even attempt to make a conversation, instead of asking what he did whilst he was away I just left it. I could have asked where he flew to. I'm just acting like I'm not interested.

I miss the messages we used to send to each other. I think the past few weeks I've stepped back because I don't want to be a burden but I've also retreated into myself which isn't helping. I'm losing my confidence too.

@Isitreallyme177 what struck me about your post is you not wanting to be a burden.

He clearly likes spending time with you and by asking questions about you, he's indicating that he's interested in your life and like you. You may see yourself as a burden but I don't think he does. Imo men, and actially people in general don't arrange to meet up with and continue messaging you if they find you burdensome. They generally avoid, ghost or slow fade. He doesn't seem to be doing any of these things?

I would say be authentic. Message him if you feel like it and suggest meeting up if you want to. But don't take it too personally if he isn't always on the same page. Sounds like you have a busy and fulfilled life which you can carry on living if he's also busy. This also sounds like the approach he is taking?

@Alexandradream thank you. I had not thought of it like that and it's good to get the view from someone whose been there.

I know one week when he was away quite a bit, one of his comments to me when he got back was how glad he was to sleep in his own bed and not in a hotel bed and how much he missed playing cricket that weekend.

I'm going to try and get out of this not messaging when he is away habit. As you are right. To me he is in this fabulous place but its work to him. I know when we were messaging when I was away it made me really happy.

@JustAnother0ldMan they don't do films like that anyway 🤣🤣

@Isitreallyme177, I think bella has put it really well in her post to you. I think you seem to struggle a little at times with how best to come across to Mr Cricket and some of the things you do, like not checking your phone in case he’s read your WhatsApp but not replied, aren’t the actions of someone who looks upon the other as just a friend. None of us know exactly what is going through Mr C’s mind with regard to you but I’d hate to see you hurt if he is firmly in the ‘friends’ only mindset while you appear to be probably hoping for more. I think you are showing a lot of self restraint by not biting the bullet and asking where his head is at or maybe for the moment it suits you to have this ambiguous relationship with a lovely guy? I know I have been stung in the past by hoping for something with someone, never getting it and being swept aside when he found someone who he suddenly was able to see regularly and commit to. 💐

@Isitreallyme177 everyone else's comments are way more sensible. I do tend to kill or cure as I hate crushing on someone and questioning myself all the time. If MrActor and I meet up again this week I want to tell him how much I appreciate him and how totally chilled the contact and conversations have been. How respectful he's been and how he's always matched my energy. Cos even if we don't make a thing together, it's been such a bloody nice change.

Of course we may not manage to meet and I'll be back at square one. And crying my eyes out 😭

My contacts are having some natural wastage ... MrSardinia was back and forth trying to arrange a date and now that we have one he's said he's not sure anymore. 🙄

MrChef and I don't think the distance or our respective free time will match up.

Just goes to show how many contacts naturally fade away ... even if there's an initial spark ...

[quote Onesmallstep67]**@Isitreallyme177, I think bella has put it really well in her post to you. I think you seem to struggle a little at times with how best to come across to Mr Cricket and some of the things you do, like not checking your phone in case he’s read your WhatsApp but not replied, aren’t the actions of someone who looks upon the other as just a friend. None of us know exactly what is going through Mr C’s mind with regard to you but I’d hate to see you hurt if he is firmly in the ‘friends’ only mindset while you appear to be probably hoping for more. I think you are showing a lot of self restraint by not biting the bullet and asking where his head is at or maybe for the moment it suits you to have this ambiguous relationship with a lovely guy? I know I have been stung in the past by hoping for something with someone, never getting it and being swept aside when he found someone who he suddenly was able to see regularly and commit to. 💐[/quote]
Cross post!

But yeah @Isitreallyme177 don't do yourself out of a potential relationship or connection by being the one who never speaks up.

♥️♥️♥️

@Languidleopard I think after many years of being told I was a burden it has kind of made me feel like I am. I know I get on with my ex but I was never a priority, other people were always more important and I was made to realise that. Life is busy for both of us that is true (especially this week), think I need to start checking in occasionally get the chatting back on track before its too late.

@BelladiMamma maybe I have put him on a pedestal a little. It's just so bloody hard, I'm really impressed by his job(my geeky side is fascinated with aeroplanes) but then he has shown an interest in mine (which is slightly less glamorous but just as rewarding when a student thanks you for the help and support you have given them during their degree).

@Onesmallstep67 it is so hard. I don't understand why I get all silly with it all. It never used to bother me. I'm one for reading at traffic lights or at the gym or when I'm out for a walk and then not replying until I'm sat down in the evening.

I fancy the guy, maybe I actually need to say something before it's too late. I'll know either way then. I didn't when we agreed to be friends and that's changed over time.

Oh god I just texted BeardFlake

Wow. Feel like I've slipped down some black hole. What a strange thing to do ...

@Isitreallyme177 yes I don't think you should second guess what his feelings are, just let him know where you are. It doesn't mean you can't be friends at some point in the future, if he's not there at the moment ... at least you'll have a chance to get over your crush and then come back when you're ready

@Isitreallyme177

Can i ask, oh wise ones on this thread.

I've got into the habit of not messaging Mr Cricket, as I don't want to bother him. In doing so am I sabotaging things? He has never told me I am and has never made me feel I am.

I asked him how he was and how work was going at the weekend and he seemed happy to tell me about the flights he flew last week and how his time away was. He then asked me how my work was going and how I was. It felt nice to 'chat'. But I didn't even attempt to make a conversation, instead of asking what he did whilst he was away I just left it. I could have asked where he flew to. I'm just acting like I'm not interested.

I miss the messages we used to send to each other. I think the past few weeks I've stepped back because I don't want to be a burden but I've also retreated into myself which isn't helping. I'm losing my confidence too.

In this situation, with a friend, I'd say "fancy a chat on the phone?"

Chatting by text is trying.

I have the same with MrWG, I backed off the text chat because I felt I was always chasing. But if I do text he always responds.

He doesn't seem to mind either way and he won't respond if he's too busy, obviously.

If you're friends you need to be genuine.

@Isitreallyme177 do you think you perhaps enjoy the limbo stage here as its safe whereas you're a bit scared to push too hard in case he doesn't feel the same and you get disappointed? You should consider he might actually like you back.

Thank you @VanGoghsDog I think I just need to remember that he wont reply if he is busy and when I do text he always replies. May not be straight away, may not be until the next day but he always replies. Thinking about it, that isn't the actions of someone who finds me a burden.

@BelladiMamma why did you message Beardflake? Good point about getting it out there, I can't guess exactly how he is thinking, it's not fair on either of us.

Thinking about it, that isn't the actions of someone who finds me a burden.

Exactly!

Whereas if you look at me with MrStone, he's getting on my pip and I've not responded to his last 6 WhatsApp messages (albeit three were memes, I don't like to encourage these). Though I did see him Sunday, on the walk, and he messaged me later to ask me to ring him which I did.

I was supposed to get back to him, and here we are, Tuesday and I haven't. Because I don't want to!

@Eesha yes it is the fear of him not liking me back. But I also don't want to go through heartbreak again so it's easier and safer to be in limbo land and not let anyone in. Which is stupid as we are both divorcing and probably both feel like that.

@VanGoghsDog true,I messaged him Sunday night, he read it Monday morning and replied Monday afternoon (he probably had to check shifts and childcare). So it's not like he left me unread or unanswered for long.

Ohh boy. Date 3 within 5 days with my iron. Honestly. I just love jumping head first into things. But. Notable I've made it to a 3rd date. This is rare.

@Isitreallyme177… honestly it can be tedious.. I don’t know how old he is but my friends that are pilots in the 45+ age bracket are not interested in going out, drinking til all hours if on a multi day trip and a lot of the cabin crew are the same age as their kids.. yes there are those that still want that but honestly they’re in a minority.

Mr Cricket would prefer to be in his own bed, picking his child up from school, training with his team, taking you to the cinema.., it really is just work to most of us and a text from home, especially from a woman he may be building a connection with is really just fabulous! I’ve been there, and it’s definitely given me a little lift!!

I think his next trip, text him, ask how he’s doing.., what’s the worst that can happen?? But word of warning… make sure you’re aware of the time difference.. I always had my phone on in case something happened to my kids and nothing worse than eventually falling asleep at 0300 local time, diseased with jet lag for your phone to ping!!!

@Isitreallyme177, this may be months ago now (and therefore no longer exactly relevant) but how did the conversation go where you/he decided that it would be friendship rather than romance? And when he said he’d had another date ( I think I have remembered that correctly) how did he seem when telling you that?

@Isitreallyme177 I do understand, sometimes it's nice when things are kept light so you don't get hurt because you can always tell yourself that you weren't really into him anyway.

I guess my only worry would be that he's probably looking to meet people anyway whereas you have stopped looking completely and all your focus is on him. At some point he will get invested in others and you might feel sidelined. You deserve someone full time so if you like him, you should make it happen.

I may jump in and create another thread now before we run out of space

Dating thread 216 ... spooky fun in cuffing season www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4385663-dating-thread-216-spooky-fun-in-cuffing-season

Voila! New thread

Thanks everyone I've had some great and insightful advice tonight. It has been really useful.❤☺

@Alexandradream he is 44 next week and I don't think he is one for going out drinking all night. So yes I'm going to message him when he is away. No harm in showing him I'm thinking about him (
He liked the photo I sent him the other week from where we go for coffee). As you say as long as I remember to message during the day I should be okay with the time difference.

@Onesmallstep67 that was back in May we agreed to be friends, he said he went on a date in August and it was a disaster and she turned into a weird stalker. Things have changed since then, I don't know but things seem different. I could be imagining it but then I didn't expect him to still be around now either.

@Eesha I suppose I need to put my big girl pants on at some point and be brave.

@Isitreallyme177 ask your self the same about him?
Is he messaging you, asking about your day or are you doing all the leg work and the overthinking while he just reciprocates in his own time?

I send MrWG photos from my walks, only one each walk. He replies when he can and says it looks nice, asks where it is etc. It's a pretty low key way of keeping in touch.

I am the same re not wanting to ask if we are "more" in case he says no, as then I'll have to end it. But, in a way, that might be best I suppose. And there's always the chance they will realise what they're losing and come back.

I've had a stressy day because he's been in hospital. It sounded like a very minor procedure, but I was suspicious that he was under playing it. Anyway, he texted me this afternoon saying the risks were far higher than he expected (he told me what they'd told him, I won't say here, but pretty scary and unpleasant). I've been on edge all day waiting to hear from him. And he's refused all my offers to pick him up, stay etc.

Then he messed around the woman who was picking him up, I had a text exchange with her and she suggested to him that I go, but then we never heard from him so she went (she's further away than me), then he texted me (having assumed we had swapped) to tell me they are keeping him overnight (which I am glad about, on balance).

I've sent him a card, but given the potential complications the card I sent now looks pretty insensitive. I want to know if the complications came to pass or not because if they did I'm going to tell him not to open the card.

Anyway, he's alive, that's the important thing and he's got family coming from tomorrow.

@Catcrazy83 it's pretty equal some weeks he initiates more than me, others I do. Last couple of weeks I've pulled back for some weird reason.

@VanGoghsDog I think things like photos are a nice touch. I hope Mr WG is okay.

Dating thread 216 ... spooky fun in cuffing season www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4385663-dating-thread-216-spooky-fun-in-cuffing-season

@Isitreallyme177 I hope you didn't feel there was a pile on and that it was all useful thoughts ❤️

@BelladiMamma not at all, it was actually really useful. ❤