Dating thread 215 we are over here!!!

[BelladiMamma]

Ok folks new thread, hopefully everyone will find is!!

@Alexandradream

Good move there. It’s not being nasty or punishing the guy but if he starts off like this (when we’re all trying to make a good first impression?) then the chances are that’s just who he is - unreliable!

even if he’s charming and great in person eventually, most of your dates will be you on tenterhooks and your own schedule ruined through booking out time for him!

@BelladiMamma thank you! Yes, it was the principal of not canceling that I didn’t like. I’m very clear when asked what I’m looking for and post separating I did the fwb/ons thing.. it’s far easier for me to do that.. no emotion involved. But now I’m very clear I’d like to meet someone with a view to a relationship. We had briefly spoken about what we were on bumble for and seemed to be on the same page. I just don’t get game playing and being disingenuous… when I was only looking for fwb I was clear..

@SpringlikeBunk .. your right, even if we were to meet it would color my perception of him, my mum didn’t come from any kind of fancy family but she used to say ‘good manners cost nothing’ basic manners/courtesy are fundamental for me.

Hello! Firstly, can I say I have been reading and not posting for ages...hopefully not too creepy 🤔 all the stories and experiences on the thread make me feel less adrift in the boundless Sea of Twats...
I'm 39, had a horrific break up and my controlling ex still a looming presence (and know many of you are unfortunately familiar with this type of nasty ex still causing you problems).
Recently I've put actual graft in, chatted loads and gone on dates with two guys, MrSalon and MrBody.
MrSalon and I are forging a kind of weird unexpected friendship as the chemistry was just off despite fancying each other initially. MrBody (sweet man with a well used gym membership) and I have had two dates now. By the end of date 2 we were snogging like teenagers outside his place as we waited for my uber. He seemed so keen, messaged to say how pretty I was and to set up date 3 the next day. This was last Monday and I have been away since then so date 3 is in the diary for Saturday.
However.
He was texting daily (he said he isn't a huge texter so it's always been pretty sporadic) til Saturday night. Since then I've not heard anything and he's now deleted his Bumble account. I've seen he's online on WhatsApp so don't think I'm blocked or anything. I'm so inexperienced at dating that I overthink every single detail and fear that he's somehow just lost interest 🙃 pathetic to be worried over someone so new but I really fancy him! Has anyone had someone cool off between dates/delete bumble and it's been fine?

And sorry to start with such a self-obsessed rambling post... gah. Blame OLD for scrambling my mind.
@Alexandradream I think you did the right thing to block. It's so rude to leave someone hanging especially if they've kept an evening free.

@MizK I get it.. I can also overthink things and not just men/dating!

It was so much simpler before, I met my exh at a party, he took my phone number, said he’d call, we set up a date and that was it! I’d no way of finding out what he was at, no mobile phone, no social media. It just never occurred to me that he wouldn’t turn up! We went out 5/6 times and then he was my boyfriend. I’d love if it was that easy now.

If you have a date set for Saturday I think it’s reasonable to send him a text by mid week to confirm and say you’re looking forward to it. If you can see he’s online (assuming WhatsApp?) then you’re not blocked. It’s hard when a 10 second text to just say hello would make all the difference and unscramble your mind. I hop he gets in touch with you!

@Isitreallyme177 thanks for taking my post the way it was meant 💗 realised I was asking you like you are one of my pals! “Sooo what did you say gurl?!!” Hope he gets back to you soon if he hasn’t already 💛

Well done for getting rid @Alexandradream. He’ll be the first of many I’m sure. NEXT!

@Shayelle2009 he's busy this week as its half term so he's spending time with his daughter (I didn't consider that even though my birthday has always been in half term) and he is also working. So looks like it will have to be next week.

Aaaargh

Quick work rant. I've poked the bear, as it were, I've had a year long contract with a very passive aggressive client who has just got worse and worse after my accident. I've sent her my latest invoice with my new day rate from October and she's just lost it. I was so fed up of giving my time and her pressurising me whilst I was ill, and cancelling some of her time with me at short notice. So I charged her for what I thought was a fair reflection of my time, including the times she cancelled at the last minute.

I feel this is either: me throwing the baby out with the bath water and about to face poverty; or giving myself back some time to find a decent project and focus on my full return to health. I've wanted to hand in my notice with her several times and I think I've just done it the most effective way possible 🤣 by charging her what I think is a fair reflection of my time and what she thinks is outrageous...

Help! The worm has turned! And I'd better find a new job by January ... or get my extension built and start renting it out ...

[quote Isitreallyme177]@Shayelle2009 he's busy this week as its half term so he's spending time with his daughter (I didn't consider that even though my birthday has always been in half term) and he is also working. So looks like it will have to be next week.[/quote]
It's so tricky to fit in time with children and keep your social life going. Sometimes I'll just see friends or only do coffee date zero's rather than an evening thing or long lunch etc

How old are his DC?

@MizK

Hello! Firstly, can I say I have been reading and not posting for ages...hopefully not too creepy 🤔 all the stories and experiences on the thread make me feel less adrift in the boundless Sea of Twats... I'm 39, had a horrific break up and my controlling ex still a looming presence (and know many of you are unfortunately familiar with this type of nasty ex still causing you problems). Recently I've put actual graft in, chatted loads and gone on dates with two guys, MrSalon and MrBody. MrSalon and I are forging a kind of weird unexpected friendship as the chemistry was just off despite fancying each other initially. MrBody (sweet man with a well used gym membership) and I have had two dates now. By the end of date 2 we were snogging like teenagers outside his place as we waited for my uber. He seemed so keen, messaged to say how pretty I was and to set up date 3 the next day. This was last Monday and I have been away since then so date 3 is in the diary for Saturday. However. He was texting daily (he said he isn't a huge texter so it's always been pretty sporadic) til Saturday night. Since then I've not heard anything and he's now deleted his Bumble account. I've seen he's online on WhatsApp so don't think I'm blocked or anything. I'm so inexperienced at dating that I overthink every single detail and fear that he's somehow just lost interest 🙃 pathetic to be worried over someone so new but I really fancy him! Has anyone had someone cool off between dates/delete bumble and it's been fine?

Welcome 🤗

I don't have any specific advice here however I've often deleted a dating profile after a couple of weeks if I think I've found enough people that I click with? I've done this 2-3 times and the contacts have been enough for 2-3 months of dates and meets. I've been in touch with one person since March this year from one of those on the app / delete profile cycles.

These days I think I would be more likely to stay on the app for longer and just snooze my profile as I know how hard it is to find a meaningful relationship.

I wouldn't worry too much about communication from Saturday's date; it's half term and also people don't always want to text a lot before dates (why?!! I'm not made like this either 🤣). Confirm with him midweek/ Thursday and then if you don't hear from him it's biii and time to move on.

@BelladiMamma thanks. She's 8 and I know it's been a tricky few weeks so I'm glad he is seeing her. He's working 3 days this week as well (even told me which 3 days so you know he is being open). So yeah I'm not really as important as those two things so I'll get off my feeling sorry for myself and thinking the worst pedestal and enjoy my week. I've decided to go shopping on Thursday and treat myself to something to wear on Friday night (and some new underwear just in case a certain pilot finds a free evening🤣 but must not think like that😬🙈).

@BelladiMamma

Aaaargh

Quick work rant. I've poked the bear, as it were, I've had a year long contract with a very passive aggressive client who has just got worse and worse after my accident. I've sent her my latest invoice with my new day rate from October and she's just lost it. I was so fed up of giving my time and her pressurising me whilst I was ill, and cancelling some of her time with me at short notice. So I charged her for what I thought was a fair reflection of my time, including the times she cancelled at the last minute.

I feel this is either: me throwing the baby out with the bath water and about to face poverty; or giving myself back some time to find a decent project and focus on my full return to health. I've wanted to hand in my notice with her several times and I think I've just done it the most effective way possible 🤣 by charging her what I think is a fair reflection of my time and what she thinks is outrageous...

Help! The worm has turned! And I'd better find a new job by January ... or get my extension built and start renting it out ...

Did she already know about the new rate or was that a surprise on the invoice?

Really, if you're self employed, you need to be pretty firm about what you do and how much time you give.

I'm terrible about invoicing my clients, I let loads go that I don't charge for and I have no method of capturing the hours so I just guess.

Sounds like it would be good to take some time out, certainly from her, and find a new contract.

@VanGoghsDog I had noted that I was going to set a new rate and also tabled it on an agenda. However I hadn't told her what the new rate was. So my mistake there. Which I've recognised to her. I think I've felt justified in being such a klutz as 1) I've been working for her at a discount and this is just a reversion to my old rate after a year of discounts (I get equity to make it up); 2) she's not a great listener or reader of notes; 3) I've cancelled holiday to come back to do work which she then cancelled on the day. It's fair to say I'm pissed off with her & she's under money pressures. The core business is doing well but she's not really got any growth prospects or an obvious exit. But for me the main thing is she was crap during the time after my accident; expected me to be available for check ins even though I wasn't working and now doesn't want to pay me for them. I could have saved myself a lot of stress if I'd realised she wasn't even going to pay me for that time; I'd have just carried on resting or doing physio etc. Now I'm stronger I'm able to feel even more selfish about my recovery and quite honestly ... I'll always have shares in the business, I'll always be a sounding board if she wants it but now that she's made it clear she expects free time from me ... I think I'm ready to move on!

@VanGoghsDog I always give away time, and it's always a shock to me to see what I've done for free, including travel etc, and what the client 'thinks' I've done. It brings the relationship between time / productivity / output / your value / what people are prepared to pay into fairly sharp contrast.

At the end of the day, I've got over 10 years experience in this field & I'm quite unique in the workforce for having done start ups and high value corporate projects ... and I'm bot expensive, by any measure. I deliberately keep my rates flexible so that I can work with all types of clients. She's just got too used to me over delivering every month ...

Anyway. Time to move on I think. How to deal with it now? I'm fairly relaxed so I'll just do the 'hey I'm chill, if you don't want to pay that rate no worries, I'll find another project'...

[quote Isitreallyme177]@BelladiMamma thanks. She's 8 and I know it's been a tricky few weeks so I'm glad he is seeing her. He's working 3 days this week as well (even told me which 3 days so you know he is being open). So yeah I'm not really as important as those two things so I'll get off my feeling sorry for myself and thinking the worst pedestal and enjoy my week. I've decided to go shopping on Thursday and treat myself to something to wear on Friday night (and some new underwear just in case a certain pilot finds a free evening🤣 but must not think like that😬🙈).[/quote]
I read something recently that said it is good to recognise when you're not or can't be someone's priority and not to take it personally. It doesn't mean they're a bad person - it just means you're not their priority at that time.

Which I totally recognise in myself as a parent. I mean, I could try and do loads in the next couple of weeks because I've got some time to myself but actually my DC will be here and I want to spend time with them.

[quote BelladiMamma]@VanGoghsDog I always give away time, and it's always a shock to me to see what I've done for free, including travel etc, and what the client 'thinks' I've done. It brings the relationship between time / productivity / output / your value / what people are prepared to pay into fairly sharp contrast.

At the end of the day, I've got over 10 years experience in this field & I'm quite unique in the workforce for having done start ups and high value corporate projects ... and I'm bot expensive, by any measure. I deliberately keep my rates flexible so that I can work with all types of clients. She's just got too used to me over delivering every month ...

Anyway. Time to move on I think. How to deal with it now? I'm fairly relaxed so I'll just do the 'hey I'm chill, if you don't want to pay that rate no worries, I'll find another project'...[/quote]
Yeah, I think it's a shock to all clients how much each thing costs.

They say "can you just do me a quick letter to send to x about y".
I need a full briefing, which often takes a couple of emails and a half hour phone call. Then I do some research and have some thinking time Then I check previous letters and history and sometimes do some tedious maths.
Then I do the letter, send it to them, they want revisions because they forgot to tell me xyz, and so it goes.
One letter 2-3 hours work.

I don't list individual hours now, too many questions. I just say "dealing with manager a on b issue" and do a list of those, and at the end say "that's six thousand pounds please".

£6k for 2-3 hours work clucking bells 🔔 I’m in the wrong line of work, take me 6 weeks to earn £6k, jeez..

@VanGoghsDog yes- the time vs output issue is just a pain!! I think part of my issue is that referrals often come through friendly networks and I am always prepared to give away free time, especially early on in projects. There must be a better way of balancing how much I should be charging vs establishing a good working relationship.

@JustAnother0ldMan I don't think that's @VanGoghsDog actual rate eg £6k for 3 hours but I'm happy to stand corrected 😁

@BelladiMamma exactly his priority first and foremost is his daughter, then work, then getting his divorce sorted. Doesn't make him bad and doesn't mean he doesn't want to see me. I'm also busy so it's not like I'm sat around doing nothing. Fitting it in this week would have been hard for me too (and probably would have stressed me out some what).

@JustAnother0ldMan

£6k for 2-3 hours work clucking bells 🔔 I’m in the wrong line of work, take me 6 weeks to earn £6k, jeez..

Lol!

If I actually recorded how much time I spend it'd be kore like £12k.

I really need something to log my hours and someone to do my invoicing.

[quote BelladiMamma]**@VanGoghsDog yes- the time vs output issue is just a pain!! I think part of my issue is that referrals often come through friendly networks and I am always prepared to give away free time, especially early on in projects. There must be a better way of balancing how much I should be charging vs establishing a good working relationship.

@JustAnother0ldMan I don't think that's @VanGoghsDog actual rate eg £6k for 3 hours but I'm happy to stand corrected 😁[/quote]
I assumed he was joking!

I charge £65ph. Generally. I often do a few hours free work for small local businesses and ask them to make a charity donation (to a local charity) if they insist on paying.

But people just don't understand the depth that is needed, there is never an answer that goes if this happens, always do that. They get confused if I ask them to refer to the employment contract, for example.
And my 20+ years of experience are valuable.

@VanGoghsDog yup, about the same as me but I've started invoicing in 2 hour chunks as a minimum. Otherwise it doesn't take account of the little scraps of Time to read and check emails, go back through old work or Google something eg what a competitor is doing. Plus all the networking intros I often provide. At least if I get shares too I feel that some of this is captured ...

Anyway. I'm looking forward to not dealing with this client anymore. She's been a real energy drain recently

[quote BelladiMamma]@VanGoghsDog yup, about the same as me but I've started invoicing in 2 hour chunks as a minimum. Otherwise it doesn't take account of the little scraps of Time to read and check emails, go back through old work or Google something eg what a competitor is doing. Plus all the networking intros I often provide. At least if I get shares too I feel that some of this is captured ...

Anyway. I'm looking forward to not dealing with this client anymore. She's been a real energy drain recently [/quote]
I tend to go back through my emails by name of the managers who contact me and just add half an hour per email. Some will have taken two minutes, some a couple of hours, but I reckon it evens out

Then I add on extra for big bits of work - policy reviews, templates, training, tribunal prep, redundancy consultations etc. But those I am more careful about my time. I store everything in Dropbox and sort by date so when I do invoices I can see how many new documents since the last invoice date!

I charge £65ph. Generally. I often do a few hours free work for small local businesses and ask them to make a charity donation (to a local charity) if they insist on paying.

Bloody hell fire, I earn just over £20 ph, but that’s as an employee, plus I get paid holidays 30 days, healthcare, pension (12&8%) etc, but saying that I get paid no matter how busy I’m an or not, never work for free and evenings, & weekends are all paid overtime rates.

So the question is where can I find one of these high earning women who can keep me in a manner I’d like to become accustomed to ?