Dating thread 215 we are over here!!!

[BelladiMamma]

Ok folks new thread, hopefully everyone will find is!!

I agree id rather be single forever than back in the kind of relationship i walked from

@Eesha thank you and you are so right that he'll message at some point. I've been busy typing up minutes so that was a 'nice' (are minutes ever nice?) distraction.

@Shayelle2009 I got what you meant ☺. I asked him if he wanted to do something this week(it is my turn to ask too) but then I've just remembered it's half term so he might be seeing his daughter.

@Shayelle2009 sometimes its hard not to feel like one really. When all your friends are coupled up and pretty much all my cousins and most are younger than me have all had really beautiful weddings over the past few years. It seems success is measured on getting into/being in a relationship and i think most people 'feel sorry' or sort of expect that you're down because you aren't in one. It can be quite condescending at times and make you feel pretty rubbish. I'm lucky in that my best friend is single and happy, she's dating but not on OLD, she can't stand it. But we're really a great support for each other. But we both understand that finding someone isn't whats driving our lives at the moment. I also have two good friends who are going through divorces and it 'aint pretty' ... so like you said we've a lot of freedom being single and as much as i'd like to find someone who fits and whose company i really enjoy i'm just letting things happen as naturally as possible. I posted a while ago that i was trying to live in the future as soon as i'd met someone and was probably very clingy. I think it stemmed from not being content/happy so the thought of breaking up meant i'd be back in that place again. After a long time of working on accepting my life for how it is i realise i'm not scared for a relationship to end as the place i came from is a good one anyway. Hopefully that's made a bit of sense. haha! (sorry its a long post too)
Hope you're feeling better after your ordeal and can hit the gym again!

@Shayelle2009 I think @SpringlikeBunk has spoken about it before. It's basically that, living in a patriarchy, men assume that we are to provide something to them. Sex, food, career support, child rearing etc.

Take a busy and 'successful' person like my ex. He very quickly found a replacement female to do all the tasks he didn't have time for, as his 'success' means that he's always engaged in things which further his ambitions. Eg working, networking, travelling. So he needed someone to help him organise his new house eg be at home for furniture deliveries, organise housekeeping, laundry, shopping and cooking. Entertain his business associates. Book flights, taxis etc. Yes he has a PA at work but he doesn't have one at home. He also has some emotional and physical needs too, which are part of the package. In his world he's never had to 'do the work' that makes a fulfilling and rounded personal life. He's been through a couple of girlfriends but the current one seems to fulfil the role as she also provides a network through her parents and free holidays. A lot of his friends are the same, they seem to think that successful career and money gives them the right to view women as accessories to their life and that their aspirations and careers go on the back burner when they're with them ... which is why I'm now very cautious of conventionally successful guys with bags of entitlement...

@BelladiMamma

Exactly that - it’s that sense of “mental load” as payment for entering into a relationship.

And it makes even LESS sense for us on the thread as a lot of us are older and aren’t dating to have and raise children and financially teaming up or moving in together?

So the mental load is even more of a completely shit idea if we’re not doing joint households and finances.

I like spending my evenings vegging and doing fuck-all and writing shit on Mumsnet, even when I didn’t have an impressive job title I still needed my “me-time”.

not ensuring life runs smoothly for some guy I’m dating

or providing a “nice home environment” or “social life” for him to benefit from whilst he makes CEO or consultant or colonel and I’ve not progressed as I’ve spent all my time facilitating HIS life.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

Exactly that - it’s that sense of “mental load” as payment for entering into a relationship.

And it makes even LESS sense for us on the thread as a lot of us are older and aren’t dating to have and raise children and financially teaming up or moving in together?

So the mental load is even more of a completely shit idea if we’re not doing joint households and finances.

I like spending my evenings vegging and doing fuck-all and writing shit on Mumsnet, even when I didn’t have an impressive job title I still needed my “me-time”.

not ensuring life runs smoothly for some guy I’m dating

or providing a “nice home environment” or “social life” for him to benefit from whilst he makes CEO or consultant or colonel and I’ve not progressed as I’ve spent all my time facilitating HIS life.[/quote]
Yup. It's a harsh lesson to learn and I think our parents' generation were behind the curve with this. I mean, my Mum still had to get my Dad or her Dad to countersign any bank withdrawals til about 1978?! So even though she was also buying spare rib and reading Betty Friedan she wasn't really looking carefully enough at her own life and how she brought her DC up.

So I'm financially independent, thanks to our joint efforts at financial success, but our family took a massive financial hit when o had DC as I was the high earner. It took me and my ex ten years to get back to where I was at, on our joint income. But the default position was for me to stay at home. I remember the post DC conversation we had about my return to work was very short. He was so uncooperative I was (rightly) concerned that they would be neglected by him. However I didn't question the fundamentals enough and if I had, DD would never have been born, which is obviously unthinkable. It's a toxic nightmare as I enabled his entitlement and his career trajectory. It's ludicrous as I was on a Much faster track than him. Honestly I could shake my younger self!! But I had no role models or mentors or anyone who was understanding of my situation emotionally. Except for maybe my Dad but he didn't really articulate it beyond saying to me - 'are you sure?'

@Munginho

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Hi, I've reported your message as this isn't a dating site.

😭😭😭
4 minute gorgeous message from MrActor ... totally ignoring my suggestion to meet.
To get fair I could hear the production assistant calling him for his cue as he finished off the message.
Yes I'm busy but ... I hate love dating busy people 😭😭😭

@Languidleopard

@JustAnother0ldMan I am definitely in the more is more camp with male body hair but you should do what will make you feel most confident about your body. Good luck with Miss Wales!

Thanks, I’ve trimmed both my beards, certainly not going for the last turkey in the shop look.
Ms Wales has been in contact asking me to extend our hotel booking for another night, So am looking forward to a relaxing weekend away full of shagging, I mean good company.

[quote JustAnother0ldMan]@Languidleopard

@JustAnother0ldMan I am definitely in the more is more camp with male body hair but you should do what will make you feel most confident about your body. Good luck with Miss Wales!

Thanks, I’ve trimmed both my beards, certainly not going for the last turkey in the shop look.
Ms Wales has been in contact asking me to extend our hotel booking for another night, So am looking forward to a relaxing weekend away full of shagging, I mean good company.[/quote]
Ooh am quite jealous. An extra night. Lucky you!

MrActor has offered me his day off this weekend. Finally 🤣

@BelladiMamma
That all sounds rather good 👍🏼

This dating lark really is Feast or Famine

Had a really nice Date 1 with Ms Lithuanian. Feels very decadent dining out somewhere nice at lunchtime on a Monday.

Ms Vegan, who as per last Thursday was taking a break from dating, has got back in touch.

Also chat last night with Ms DropDeadGorgeous has progressed to WhatsApp. Strangely she shares the same, very unusual, first name with Ms Vegan and is in same line of work.

OH GOD HAVE REALISED THAT I NOW HAVE ALL WEEK TO STRESS ABOUT MRACTOR FLAKING

@TobyEsterhase

This dating lark really is Feast or Famine

Had a really nice Date 1 with Ms Lithuanian. Feels very decadent dining out somewhere nice at lunchtime on a Monday.

Ms Vegan, who as per last Thursday was taking a break from dating, has got back in touch.

Also chat last night with Ms DropDeadGorgeous has progressed to WhatsApp. Strangely she shares the same, very unusual, first name with Ms Vegan and is in same line of work.

Sounds great, if confusing 😁

Careful with posting in the wrong chat ...!!

@TobyEsterhase
Also chat last night with Ms DropDeadGorgeous has progressed to WhatsApp. Strangely she shares the same, very unusual, first name with Ms Vegan and is in same line of work.

Oh blimey, that sounds like a recipe for disaster

[quote JustAnother0ldMan]@TobyEsterhase
Also chat last night with Ms DropDeadGorgeous has progressed to WhatsApp. Strangely she shares the same, very unusual, first name with Ms Vegan and is in same line of work.

Oh blimey, that sounds like a recipe for disaster[/quote]
I'm really curious as to what the name might be!

@BelladiMamma yay! You held your cool and it paid off!

@Eesha let's see. I'm thinking of him as a high risk high return casual dating option. As in I really like him and I want to be authentic and keep time back for him. But I know that in the process I'm binning off or delaying other chats. Not that MrDrummer was much of a loss but there's a couple of others that I've let fizzle out ...

And then he'll be back home and hundreds of miles away from the end of November and then where will I be? WHERE I ASK YOU?! Just hopelessly in lurve snivelling in the corner ...

@BelladiMamma

Both are called Estelle. They are from different ethnic groups which should limit the scope for confusion.

[quote TobyEsterhase]@BelladiMamma

Both are called Estelle. They are from different ethnic groups which should limit the scope for confusion.[/quote]
I'd definitely give them a very clear WhatsApp name eg 'BE CAREFUL IS THIS THE RIGHT ESTELLE?' Just so that you don't mess up 🤣

@BelladiMamma it isn't that long really in the 'grand scheme' of things, but it'll feel it, given all the anticipation! And an impressive 4minute long voice message? My son's teachers rants aren't even that long even when he's misbehaved or from my best friend who literally never stops talking i'll get maybe max a 2minute voice note. I like the high-risk, high-return phrase guess he's worth gamble/wait as well.

[quote Naimee87]@BelladiMamma it isn't that long really in the 'grand scheme' of things, but it'll feel it, given all the anticipation! And an impressive 4minute long voice message? My son's teachers rants aren't even that long even when he's misbehaved or from my best friend who literally never stops talking i'll get maybe max a 2minute voice note. I like the high-risk, high-return phrase guess he's worth gamble/wait as well. [/quote]
The guy is a good talker and I have to remember that he does it for a living. The messages are very long voice notes or essays ... we definitely spark off each other but words is what we both do, so ... I guess I shouldn't read too much into it. BUT he reads my messages straightaway and answers them really quickly too. I've decided to admit that he fancies me but whether or not he's got the whole head spin going on that I have, it's too early to tell. Actually I think we will only know that once he's out of work and has more time on his hands!

@BelladiMamma

Yes I’m off the “bench bench” and on the “waiting it out for the guy I like” bench here too.

As I’m so busy (this next month is going to go by so quick) I’d rather save my energy and see if things progress with the hedgehog

if things don’t move forward I can give it a limit of a month, then get into “cuffing season” at its peak and bagsy myself a new Xmas romance!

I’m not putting him on a pedestal, and can see issues ahead potentially or things may drift as they often do.

But I’d prefer to just see what transpires there than give energy and drunken nights to other for now?

I think just give MrActor time @BelladiMamma and "what will be will be".

I dunno about you but part of me wants to wait it out for MrHedgehog and also it's quite nice thinking I don't have to now "juggle" new contacts whilst I'm letting that situation pan out.

It's a nice excuse for a break from active dating.

I'd like to continue things and get to know him more, if we don't meet again I can potter around in my free time (looking lovesick) rather than having to dive into the "creeps and degenerates/Sea of Twats"!