I did a thing. Was it bad?

[turnabouttime]

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

I would have liked to know if my partner had been cheating on me but would hope the person letting me know had the decency to tell me face to face or at least sign the letter. (So that I could thank her.)

No not bad at all. I've done the same by letter as not to be the messenger who got shot.

@DrSbaitso, in reply to your "Yes, and they're all self serving.", i disagree.

Informing someone without anonymity could have consequences, for example, violence or retaliation.

I think sending an anon note just saying x is cheating would be bad but not if it had enough detail so that the receiver doesn't need more details.

It's the notes with not enough details that are shitty as one would not know if it was true or not. But details of person /time and date would be enough to work with.

As she is lit the other woman why should she provide her own details and get drawn into this anymore. Still right to tell the gf though.

We're offering opinions after they are invited by another anonymous person, who doesn't have to act on any of them. It's vastly different to popping up in someone's real life, dropping a irreversible bomb on them and never letting them know we did it, allowing others to take the blame for it and protecting only ourselves from the fallout.

This is a bad analogy. To drop a bomb suggests that the OP caused the damage to the relationship. In fact she did nothing of the sort. The damage was done by the boyfriend and his affair partner. The best you can really say is that the OP sent the girlfriend an anonymous tip-off that there may be a bomb in her bedroom.

Sorry, first para above should be in bold as it's a quote.

An anonymous letter arriving would make me feel very edgy and exposed. I feel very sorry for the woman who's husband is cheating.
I don't think it's very kind or sisterly and it is actually quite cowardly.

In this case I'd only have said something if the person being cheated on was a dear friend of mine. And I'd tell her to her face. It would be awful, but I'd give her that at least.

In the case of knowing the OW and only having her version of what's going on in their relationship, or merely just knowing any of the parties vaguely, I'd keep my beak out. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

I'm not a major friend of the OW no. The letter is because as I explained, I couldn't see how else to do it. The gf doesn't know me. I know who she is but don't know her. Standing by whilst some sly bastard is having unprotected sec with two women

You aren't that close to the OW and you only know the other woman by sight, yet you know that this man is having unprotected sex with both of them? And you know he holds himself up to be a very 'moral' person?

Are you the sort of person who has little of excitement going on in your own life so you set about trying to create havoc in someone else's?

Ok so this was done to me. My partner cheated and had been having a five month long affair. I got an anonymous mail from a throwaway account with photos and some messages between them. I wont go into the pain of betrayal andall the fallout from that. But to the OP, let me just tell you that youre a coward and to be actually enjoying this is vile. even now many years and much personal growth achieved at great personal cost, the fact of receiving that anonymous mail has changed me for ever. To this day I look at my friends, colleagues, family - everyone and wonder did you send it? I dont in my heart trust anyone anymore. I feel quite lonely at my core becaise that kind of distrust alienates you from everyone and changes all your relationships. You just dont know who to trust. Whos being fake and whos hiding something - not just your partner but EVERYONE. So have a laugh and enjoy yourself, what youve done is really unpleasant. Have the courage of your convictions next time and own up to it, that way the person will know whos behind it and be able to deal with it.

[quote KirstenBlest]@DrSbaitso, in reply to your "Yes, and they're all self serving.", i disagree.

Informing someone without anonymity could have consequences, for example, violence or retaliation.[/quote]
Then why would you risk the other people involved?? They will probably assume it's OW and attack her, or get angry when their partner is upset and attack her!

If you think it's so dangerous that you need protection, don't light the fire around everyone else!

@TopCatsTopHat

I find it weird people are focused on the anonymity and fascination and not on the fact that a betrayed woman now knows what she's dealing with and is therefore empowered to make all her next choices based on the truth. Op has already said that was her motive and was surprised to feel anything more, and yet there are so many people totally convinced if they did it they'd only feel stoic duty and not a flicker of anything else. Op would have said the same. It goes against the grain of human nature to not be a bit gripped by this sort of thing.

This. However painful, I would want to know so that I could make the best choices for myself.

To drop a bomb suggests that the OP caused the damage to the relationship. In fact she did nothing of the sort. The damage was done by the boyfriend and his affair partner. The best you can really say is that the OP sent the girlfriend an anonymous tip-off that there may be a bomb in her bedroom.

No, it's lighting the frigging thing! While making sure she's the only one in the shelter!

*I'm really surprised at the reaction here. I know this place isn't a hivemind, but this is generally a rather voyeuristic forum when it comes to people's personal lives. The relationships board and AIBU are full of people anonymously giving sweeping advice (LTB! Change the locks! Tell your boss to shove the job up her arse!) that would blow the OPs life apart, and then badgering the OP for updates so they can rubberneck at the fallout.

The OP is probably enjoying this for a similar reason. She's not close enough to any of the parties to feel the real emotion behind it or really understand the complexity of what they're going through, beyond seeing the cheating arsehole getting his comeuppance.*

Good points!

On another note, how is the OP so sure all of them are having unprotected sex? Sounds like pretty intimate knowledge of the two relationships she has right there.

The anonymous letter was purely to shit-stir while you sit back and enjoy the drama.

.. with knobs on !.

@DrSbaitso

Why are people more focusing on OP’s letter writing

Because we're answering the question she's asked us.

There’s lots of reason why someone may not want to put their name to that letter.

Yes, and they're all self serving.

I agree with your first point.

OP could be connected to the boyfriend via family or they work together. But, realtionship is not one where op can confront the boyfriend. Ie OP is working for a family run business and the boyfriend is the owner's son.

I feel quite lonely at my core because that kind of distrust alienates you from everyone and changes all your relationships.

This^

Is why I would never do it. I mean send an anonymous note. Not least, it's creepy. I would keep my beak out. How do I know about their circumstances ? In private.

I don't do anonymous. You will know it's me because I will have written my name on it.

(Unless I've made a charity donation and I'm choosing not to be identified.)

realtionship is not one where op can confront the boyfriend.

Which is why it's none of her business.

*The anonymous letter was purely to shit-stir while you sit back and enjoy the drama.

.. with knobs on !.*

This, again. The whole thing sounds like a t.v. drama set in the 1950's.

@thistimelastweek

Never ever say something you can't put your name to.

That is really good advice.

@turnabouttime OP I love you. You are my new hero, and if by any chance you are also a lesbian in the north west of England, please DM me!

Although what would be more heroic would be now to contact the gf and tell her it was you.

@Lobelia123 makes a really good point above, in that the anonymity actually breeds a lot of uncertainty and mistrust, in terms of not knowing who it was, who knows what.

I think your actions so far are understandable, including the satisfaction at him getting his comeuppance, and a fascination at the unfolding drama.

You have justified the anonymity, but now might be time to put her mind at rest by fessing up.

And tell us how it went!

Why on earth should the OP put her name to it? We all know the messenger gets ‘shot’, so unless people think she deserves to get into trouble for telling them, why would it be better for her to put her name to it?

you can try and make it clear in your message that you don't know the gf, just know of her, if that makes the paranoia easier for people.

one assumes its mostly unprotected sex as that is what happens in long term relationships. you protect from pregnancy and you generally trust the other person isn't shagging around. - probably tests at beginning and then condom free after.

I don't see why its better to let some woman potentially catch diseases and maybe marry/have kids and tie themself to this man. Is that not a worse thing than just giving her the tip off but being anon about it? if you are not anon, you also face attacks from the OW and the boyfriend surely and no one wants that. Do a good thing but don't risk yourself if you can avoid it.

(and if you are a good friend of the gf, you risk losing that friendship as she doesn't believe you/or does believe and sticks with bf and cuts you out anyway)

“@Lobelia123 makes a really good point above, in that the anonymity actually breeds a lot of uncertainty and mistrust, in terms of not knowing who it was, who knows what.”

I can understand this - but the OP has no idea who else knows what about what - she just took an action to reveal it - if she hadn’t there would be more and more people who knew about it.

Again in might be that the injured party is distracted focusing on the messenger rather than the cheater.

@leavesthataregreen no it isnt. So I shouldnt have reported suspected child abuse without telling the mother abusing her kids? If I had told her there could have been major repercussion for my family.

The gf has had a lucky escape ! your good deed done for the day!